School Advise

[Think About It....]

This kind of goes hand in hand with a thread started by Happygirl. I am a year into a bitter custody dispute in which 50/50 time share was temporarily ordered, with shared parenting. One of my main concerns is schooling. Our daughter will be starting kindergarten next year and my STBXW is an elementary school teacher. She was a Police Officer until her son(from 1st marrige) came of school age then she went back to school and became a school teacher. We lived together for nearly 4 years in which she had him enrolled in the school she worked which was all the way across town. In the almost 4 years we lived together he knew not one other kid in our neighborhood in part I think due to going to a school so far away. We have atleast 4 elementary schools within 2 miles of both of our homes, however not the one she works at. Our daughter has already made the comment Im going to mommies school when I get older.

A couple concerns of mine are that just like her son our daughter will not have a chance to grow up knowing all the kids in her own neighborhood, due to being driven all the way across town to the school she works at. Another is the further damage that may be done to our daughter thru this emeshed parenting style, her son has had alot of behavior problems in school which I know were never honestly address due to his teacer being a co worker of hers. Not to mention the problems Ive had with her not relaying information to me from her daycare, I can only imagine what Ill go through if our daughters teacher was one of her friends, Id never know what was going on at school.

I discussed this a little with the C/E and am still awaiting the results. Just wondering what everone else thinks. Thanks

[h2o50]

This kind of goes hand in hand with a thread started by Happygirl. I am a year into a bitter custody dispute in which 50/50 time share was temporarily ordered, with shared parenting. One of my main concerns is schooling. Our daughter will be starting kindergarten next year and my STBXW is an elementary school teacher. She was a Police Officer until her son(from 1st marrige) came of school age then she went back to school and became a school teacher. We lived together for nearly 4 years in which she had him enrolled in the school she worked which was all the way across town. In the almost 4 years we lived together he knew not one other kid in our neighborhood in part I think due to going to a school so far away. We have atleast 4 elementary schools within 2 miles of both of our homes, however not the one she works at. Our daughter has already made the comment Im going to mommies school when I get older.

A couple concerns of mine are that just like her son our daughter will not have a chance to grow up knowing all the kids in her own neighborhood, due to being driven all the way across town to the school she works at. Another is the further damage that may be done to our daughter thru this emeshed parenting style, her son has had alot of behavior problems in school which I know were never honestly address due to his teacer being a co worker of hers. Not to mention the problems Ive had with her not relaying information to me from her daycare, I can only imagine what Ill go through if our daughters teacher was one of her friends, Id never know what was going on at school.

I discussed this a little with the C/E and am still awaiting the results. Just wondering what everone else thinks. Thanks

[Rose]

Is the school where your BPD teaches in the same school district where they live?  Also, are you in either school district?

[Mr. M]

I had to go to court early in the process to get my sons to go to the school "in the neighborhood."  That may end up being your only avenue.  I won my case.

Argument 1:  You pay school taxes for you child(ren) to attend school in you district.  That's where they should go.

Argument 2:  (If it falls in your favor) - Do a background check on the school districts' rating and the ratings of the specific schools involved.  You may find yours is better.

Argument 3:  Due to living location, the child may not "legally" be allowed to attend another public school outside of one/both parents' district.

That's just a few thoughts.

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[Rose]

Yes, the reasons I ask about your physical residence and BPD's physical residence, is exactly for the arguments that Mr. M laid out. 

My DH and BPD almost went to court (my DH threatened, and BPD actually backed down) about what school the skids should attend.  BPD moved out of the school district and wanted the skids to attend in her new area.  My DH strategically got a 1-bedroom apartment in the skids current school district, and threatened to take BPD to court if she even thought about switching the skids schools.  My DH had the facts about it being a better school, but he also had on his side the fact that the skids had currently attended that school, and switching it would be detrimental to them. 

Upshot was: even though BPD moved out of the school district, the skids maintained their current school, as my DH lived in the current school district and threatened primary custody if she didn't abide.

[h2o50]

We only live about two miles away from each other, there are three elementary schools within two miles of both of our homes. The school she works at is 10 plus miles from both of our houses. All schools have A ratings, and all schools are in the same school district. Sorry for not including that.

[Mr. M]

Well, to me it seems to then become a question of how burdensome it is on the child.  I'd like to think that option D would be the worst, but then you have to factor in "momism" and the fact that she works there and I'm sure that side could make a compelling argument for convenience and familiarity.

You'll just need to prepare a better argument for convenience and familiarity with the school she currently attends and make absolutely sure that a school switch isn't undertaken before then.

[the end]

if you continue 50-50 parenting time, alternating weeks perhaps, it is improtant that children are able to attend the same school form each parent home, to facilitate the child. In my case the judge was adamant that children ride the bus from each parent home all the time, in the express interest to facilitate transportation for the children. Child care factors in as well, after school care in the home or the sitter when children are in school.

The fact she is a teacher should have no bearing on where children attend school. 
Another thought is that if she will transport child to 'her' school that eliminates ease of 50-50 and unless you are willing to drive kids and incurr the additional burden of expense, time and inconvenience it favors her.

[funefarm4]

Where I live it is actually illegal for you to enroll your child in a school outside of your jurisdiction and they have police officers who actually check on this sort of thing.

This costs the district lots of money etc.  I know this because we've had 2 neighbors who've tried this sort of crap. One got caught...The other is in the process of getting caught...  today as a matter of fact--never made it "home" to pick up the kid from the house they rent just to keep the address so the kid can go to the ele school and so the kid camps out at my house until mom picks her up. This morning, mom stopped the bus with her car so the kid could get on the bus. Not a good move.

I'd check into the legality of it all.  I'm not quite sure where you live(you spelled advice--advise, so I'm thinking maybe Canada or somewhere other than the USA) Laws may be different where you are.

The one teacher last year I was friendly with actually wanted to do this with her child, and the district refused her.

I am bad >:D, but can you make an anonymous call to the district attendance people and just inquire about information?

When you go to court, don't let "momism" enter into it.  According to district attendance, it is illegal...etc.  Mom actually has other child illegally enrolled in District Y.  I am asking the court to allow me to enroll my child in the school he/she is legally entitled to be enrolled in, which is district Z.

Where she is a teacher should have no bearing upon the school district the child will attend.

[h2o50]

New happenings, need advise

Dropped daughter off at daycare the other day there was flyer in her folder about the daycare offering the states run voluntary pre kindergarten class's next year at the daycare. The flyer said if interested to go to the school board office fill out the application then return eligibility paper back into daycare. My first thought was to run to the school board office and fill out the application so as to have my address listed as her home address.

I once again I went against my better judgement and in the name of our court ordered shared parenting and instead got home and sent STBXW an email asking her what she thought about the program, knowing she would also get the flyer when she picked our daughter up this same day as I left a copy in her folder. She proceeded to send me a response this same evening saying she had also got the flyer and went to the school board office filled out the paperwork and was awaiting my response to turn the paper from the school board back into the daycare. So once again her address will be the one on file and any corespondence will be mailed to her house. I have had this same problem with everyone of our daughters doctors and her changing the address's on file with them as well after she moved out. I informed them that my address is the one that our daughter was born and raised at, and we have 50/50 custody, she just moved out. Being only the childs father, they pretty much just ignore you and leave the address mom gives on file.

 Should I ask my attorney to file a contept hearing on this, or just once again grin and bear it, its all about control! Thanks

[Her Mama]

Who is listed as residential parent?

[h2o50]

Thats the problem no one has the title of residential parent. All we have is temporary custody order in which our time share is exactly 50/50 we are awaiting the results of our custody eval, there is no determination of residential or primary parent in the order, it just defines time share hours and days. I just would have never went to the school board and filled out paper work on our daughters behalf without first discussing it with her first. I guess thats my problem I should be doing it like her first come, first served, its worked up until now. She has her address listed on everything except one doctor.

[Her Mama]

On all of my children's school paperwork there are separate places to list the father and the mother and their respective addresses and phone numbers.  I would go to the school board and ask that your childs records reflect as such.

[Rose]

Ditto.  You have to self-advocate here.  My DH would have to *remind* the skids school that there were 2 addresses, and that all correspondence would have to be mailed to both.

[nowwhat]

Really it is an issue of who has primary residence...if she does, she has done nothing wrong, if she doesn't that is another matter all together.  However, if you have a stipulation about consulting on matters involving education, then you have a reason to be upset.  Copy that portion of your aggreement/co and go down to the school and put it on file. 

If she is enrolling the child in any pre-k program with her district or the neighborhood district then you should have a say in it.  I would recommend requesting the information from her.  If she denies you, then you may have a violation.

Either way, don't expect much from the court on the violation...slap on the wrist with a "don't do that again" will be all she will get.

[Her Mama]

Our schools actually require that in the case where the parents live in separate residences, and if there is a custody order, that the school is provided with a copy of that order.

[spinning]

We've dealt with same school district since kindergarten. SD now half way through freshman year in HS. School still seems unable to send us the same info sent to UBPD momster (progress reports, newsletters, report cards). Despite being given copies of CO, self addressed envelopes, a gazillion meetings where everyone says "Sure, we can do that."

I understand your frustration. But stick with it. It takes a LOT of effort. You have every right to info.

[ForeverDad]

No good deed goes unpunished. :P

When BPD is involved, being nice is not an asset.  There is no law that says you have to be nice.  (Okay.  Moral laws, yes, SECULAR laws, no.)  The law spells out what you can't do, and sometimes even enforces it, but is largely silent on telling you to be a good or nice person.

So, what do you do on your parenting days, drive across town to drop off and pick up?  Is her day care near home or near her work or near your work?  That deserves more prominent attention than a comment to the custody evaluator.  Likely nothing will be done in the middle of a school year.  Could you add that as your requirement that both children attend local schools starting next school year?  (Follow up edit:  You really don't have any authority over her son unless you adopted him, but you can make a strong case for your daughter.  Do so.)

Here's a side point, if final orders state that you will pay for school expenses, or even just half of them, be sure it states PUBLIC school expenses.  If she gets a job at a private school, you surely don't want to be surprised with those huge tuitions.

I agree, go to the school and file those papers.  As far as we can tell from here, you have just as much authority now as she does.  Maybe they'll ignore your filing, maybe not, but at least you've tried.  Please don't abdicate anything in the name of "fair notice".  You know already that her disorder will never allow her to be fair in return.  Her concept of fairness is "I win or you lose, pick either one."

[h2o50]

Picked up daughter Monday morning, was immediatly handed the paperwork she had picked up on Friday when she filled out the school board paperwork. She said she needed an answer by noon. I informed her I would not have an answer by noon, as the school board office is closed and I have questions I want to ask of them when they re open. Her response was, "You had your chance" In other words I had my chance to say Yes we will do what you feel should be done, and my questions or opinion do not matter. Anyway she continued to rant and rave wanting a fight I told her I was not going to do this in front of the kids several times she just continued. Our daughter was seated in the back seat of her van and was asking me to look through the back window at one of the dogs, as I did the dog began to aggresivly bark at me, STBXW immediatly started to say there you go max, get him, believe me this was not said as a joke. Her son seated in the front seat looked at me and gave me the look of I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Anyway I went to school board yesterday and had my questions answered I am still just undecided about commiting to the voluntary Pre Kindergarten program next year as it will be the last year before our daughter would start kindergarten and the last year we would be able to spend the amount of quality time that we now enjoy together before her actual schooling begins. She get plenty of socialization with other kids her age now between family, friends, parks and the two days she has to go to daycare. And with mom being a Kindergarten teacher herself and the way she has pushed her since the day she was born I almost feel as if I owe it to her to allow her to be a kid as long as she can. I would love to hear everone else's opinion and their thoughts about what is the most benificial to a young child. The early years spent with mom and dad or getting them enrolled in school as soon as posible. Thanks

[the end]

The early years spent with mom and dad

Absolutely there is no other option. In light of circumstances it is crucial that you spend many hours bonding and playing with DD, now is where you invest into her developing self. I have 5 kids and truly believe it is very important that MOM and DAD (normal) create that for the child. Otherwise why have'em? How much more so if one parent is a PD disordered individual.

Currently my kids spend more time with the bus driver each school day than I do,(due to a rural area) D5 included. 

[happygirl]

Where she is a teacher should have no bearing upon the school district the child will attend.

 

Many school districts now have open enrollment so this may not be a factor.

Being a teacher, if is often a perk to have your children attend the school even if the child is not in the jurisdiction, so you need to check the district policy. 

HG