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Think About It.... It is very important to talk to children about anger, about what they see in the world, and to evaluate the effects of the behavior they observe. Otherwise, their observations become the lesson itself.~ Jane Middelton-Moz, Ph.D., LCSW, Ultimate Guide to Transforming Anger
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Author Topic: Just need some reurance  (Read 263 times)
david
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« on: March 18, 2008, 05:13:59 PM »
My T suggested NC about three and a half weeks ago. We have two boys ( 9 & 4) and wife has primary custody right now. I did what T said. Only contact is email and only if it pertains to boys. All my emails are short and to the point. First week more voicemails than before. I am school teacher and I get time off for Easter holiday. I emailed her and asked if I would be allowed to see HER children extra time during holiday. She ALLOWED me to have the boys Thurs and Friday. She also ALLOWED me to have the boys Easter sunday into monday. ( I was only supposed to see them easter sunday from 12-8 ). The T suggested saying HER children. She sent out easter cards to my family and her family. Her uncle in midwest called the other day and thinks she has a problem. My mother was invited to her apartment? My aunt ( who is a nun ) received a letter asking if my wife could come and visit to talk to her about us? My stepson's ( he went NC months ago on his own- yea it's her son- she has two other boys and they also went NC a while ago ) mother in law was invited to the new apartment. I'm sure more people will be calling soon to tell me. Is this a re-engagement or what is this ?
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safetyfirst
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« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2008, 06:45:37 PM »
I don't know, David, I'm paranoid from our experience.  If it were OUR UBPD I'd say she's rallying her troops to launch a smear campaign, to get 'her' version of the truth to as many people as she can. An effort to get more people on 'her side'.  Our UBPD is my son's ex.  She made it a point to contact every single one of his cousins that had a MySpace account and get on their 'friends list'.  I think she's out trolling for any little tidbit of family information.

It sounds like following your T's advice has been beneficial for you.  Take anything exta you can get but stick with as low contact with her as you can.
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funefarm4
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« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2008, 08:45:55 PM »
It's definitely a re-engagement.

I've noticed that with my BPD, he definitely did in the beginning pull others into the whole nasty mess.  Would show up un announced on people's door steps and ask if they'd seen me...etc...etc.

She sounds like she's trying to get some info as well. 

Stay strong...
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?

The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way.

If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)
spinning
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« Reply #3 on: March 19, 2008, 05:36:53 AM »
For the longest time, UBPD maintained contact with my DH's family. UBPD liked to tell me they were "her family." It was a way to one-up me and DH, to feel like she was in control and had "won." I didn't/don't get it either.
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It is only out of ignorance that people are cruel, because they really don't think it will come back.
~Maya Angelou~
There are two ways of spreading light, be the candle or the mirror that reflects it   ~E. Wharton
laurena82
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« Reply #4 on: March 19, 2008, 08:25:23 AM »
Hi David,

I'm assuming you are separated but not yet divorced?

Yes, it sounds to me as though she's started her campaign with your family, etc to be Mother of the Year...gotta lay the foundation for how she's a victim of the awful *you*...

As for calling them "her" children, and her "allowing" you to see them...I think you already know that this will come back to haunt you , but for now it's working...IMO, right now, she's feeling "in control"...they are "her" children, she is MOTY, and all is well...

ADVICE: (Im sure you already are planning on):
Get your custody/visitation, etc arrangements ROCK SOLID and SPECIFIC...because once things are no longer at her whim to "allow" or not, the S*** will hit the fan, and she wont be "allowing" a single thing at all anymore...

Also, I'd suggest pulling your family aside, without a big "he said/she said" , let them in on how she is trying to play them so they perhaps take it all with a bigger grain of salt...

You dont want to live the rest of your life being under her thumb, *hoping* she will "allow" you to see "her children"...so, just be sure to get it ALL ROCK SOLID and SPECIFIC, with sanctions spelled out if possible, so you can be as much NC as possible in future. 

ITs good youre reading posts here, as you can learn from (unfortunately!) others difficulties

BEST WISHES!

PS:
My nonSO's UBPDXW spent a few years calling his family ad nauseum whining about how pitiful her life was because of nonSO, etc etc

It seems to be from *their* manual ... grin
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david
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« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2008, 01:28:47 PM »
Yes we are separated but not divorced. My family is supporting me and the boys. Everyone that she contacted, that I know of , is solidly on my side. I've made no attempt at making anyone chose between me and her. It's obvious to everyone that she has a problem. Some people even told me that they think she is trying to play the victim card and they don't buy it. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one that doesn't see whats going on. My T is helping me with that. Two of my stepsons ( her dna children ) called last night and I was amazed at the support they are giving me. I'm paraphrasing -I've helped raise them for 15 years and I'm a great dad. The court ordered custody gives me only 120 days a year (32%). Since NC I got an additional 18 days in an email that calls the days a major change in the custody order. I also have documented an additional 4 days ( 39%) . All this in only three weeks. 19 more days and I get 45%. I'm going to talk to my atty and see if I can then go back to court and get 50/50 locked in.
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