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Author Topic: Do pwBPD have sexual identity issues?  (Read 7232 times)
Kick Drum
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« Reply #10 on: June 11, 2013, 01:06:46 PM »

Wow.  Last I fell in love with a guy who has BPD.  He's pan sexual.  I'm gay.  Well, to make a long story short, just about everything I've read here sounds like something out of my experience.  Fortunately, I only fell in love.  But as he got stranger and stranger, my love settled into like and then like from a safe distance.  Fortunately I never slept with him.  And now view the experience as one of the sad but most educational.  I know, that's a strange combination of ideas.  Nevertheless, in the end, I thank the lord, or whoever, my love never ended up in sack! As I can see from my fellow members here, that would be been a real heart breaker.  Now, I feel sorry for my BPD friend.  But a little optimistic as I did convince him to seek help.  Which he did.  But looking at this a year plus later, I wonder if he's ever going to get any better.  As with most of the BPD people mentioned in this thread, my BPD friend continues to drink his face off and pick up whatever man or woman he can.  I'm just glad I'm not a part of any of this and can observe from a distance. 

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« Reply #11 on: June 17, 2013, 11:28:59 AM »

my friends confused as to her sexuality also, i think its part of BPD, when you dont know who you are, and question everything about yourself i assume that includes there sexual identity. for her i know she uses sex a void filler, has said it means nothing to her. she has also told me shes bisexual, but has never slept with another woman. she has told me countless times that she was in love with her female best friend in high school(never told her). When I first met her she made a comment in regards to checking me out, (I have other friends who aren’t straight, so I never paid much attention). any male relationship shes had that i've seen always end badly, or is just bad, more for self-harm, or rebelling, then emotional connection if you were to ask me. when i asked her one time if she were to have a 3sum who would it be with, she said both female(me and her high school crush)...  it’s all confusing if you ask me. you know i dont believe i seen her with a man that she even remotely likes huh yet she dreams about the prince who will one day save her from this hell...  huh

"you can't calm the storm.. so stop trying. what you can do is calm your-self. The storm will pass"
~Timber Hawkeye~
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« Reply #12 on: June 19, 2013, 12:37:08 AM »

wow, i can't believe this post is being commented on years later! smiley glad it helps?

i now, 3 years later, am 99% sure my bf is not gay.  i believe he was "acting out" due to his abuse early in his life. 

he has not been with anyone (man or woman) since he met me, and i think at least 6 months before we met. 

i am so grateful this has not been an issue and that i feel it was in the past, and that i have gotten clarity around it. 

sorry for you who still struggle with not knowing, or dealing with your SO acting out today!   Empathy


this too shall pass...


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Online Online

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« Reply #13 on: March 19, 2014, 06:32:57 PM »

I've read about this, and am curious how common it is for a pwBPD to have had periods in their life when they thought they were gay, or switched back and forth over the course of their life.  My GF went through a period where she was a lesbian, tafterwards she says she was basically bisexual just sleeping with all her friends.  That was during the time when she was also actively addicted to drugs, but she also says that she has been with women since then, but not "dating" only sex.  And now she says she is definitely "straight".  It also seems quite apparent that she has a different definition of a "relationship" than I do.  My feeling is if you have sex with a person, you have a "relationship" of some kind, no matter how short lived.  But to her, having sex with someone multiple times over a period of a few months doesn't constitute a "boyfriend". This leads me to think that a pwBPD may have a different way of attaching emotions to sex than a non does.

What has been your experience with your BPD partner?  I'm having a hard time understanding this, or being completely comfortable with this.  I think the uncomfortableness comes from me wondering if sex means the same thing to her as it does to me.

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« Reply #14 on: March 19, 2014, 08:47:32 PM »

this is pertinent to my situation. my w left for a woman.

otoh, she was gay-curious before and in the marriage. i never gave it too much mind as we had vows and that would keep us faithful rolleyes whatever her appetites were. so maybe she's unhappy in the marriage + she's coming out to herself, and the homewrecker who opened the door turned out to be a woman.

otoh there's the evidence of the bedroom. she loved her some boy sex. plus, we met twice after she ran, six weeks after and six weeks after that. these were perhaps the most painful encounters of my life. anyway at the second meeting i asked her directly "are you gay?" and she answered naturally and immediately, "oh no, i'm not gay." and she never brought up the topic of lesbianism when announcing the reasons she left (ancient, unforgotten, endlessly acknowledged and apologized-for slights; being left alone too much; me not spending enough money; my "logical argumentation"; a bunch of projections; basically, BPDism). and in our last communication, an email exchange, she finished with "i'm very confused." a classic line i know but i think it's true in this case (the unstable sense of identity which is a mark of BPD).

she was mad to get married, professed overwhelming love for me very quickly, did the mirroring thing, that left me uncomfortable, she wound up bolting and adulterous and acting sadistically about doing so. i've met the other party, once, and she, er, comes on strong. i can only guess, but if my w is looking for someone to give direction to her personality she may have found that person. the fact that it's a woman is of little moment.

btw maxsterling there are other threads here on this topic. i'll link them if i find them.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2014, 09:08:15 AM by maxen » Logged

(Ps 69 Douay)
lemon flower
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« Reply #15 on: March 20, 2014, 04:30:52 AM »

my muBPDx apparently had some homosexual encounters in his past.
he seems to go from periods of total abstination to periods in which he goes totally lost switching from girls to boys and having sex with anyone who wants to.
usually he prefers girls, and he has a very strange attitude towards homosexuality: he says he doesn't believe it exists  huh
to him homosexuality is purely a choice you make, understandable from his point of view,
also what is interesting to know: he has an identical twin brother who is homosexual !
again, he doesn't believe his brother is "really" homo, he thinks his brother choose to be gay to avoid trouble with women  lol
i don't know if his twinbrother has BPD because I never met him, but according to what I hear from my ex I wouldn't be surprised if he were, I consider that his twinbrother is more introvert, and probably highfunctioning
his older brother for sure has the illness too, i truly believe in their case it really runs in the family.

returning to the original question: one of the reasons of their "gay"-side that my ex mentioned himself is that apparently the older brother has abused the twins sexually when they were children...  (when the older one was 14 and the little ones 9 years old)

You called me strong, you called me weak
You took for granted all the times I never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if not for me then you'd be dead
I picked you up and put you back on solid ground,
and watched the world float to the dark side of the moon...
- 3 Doors Down -

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« Reply #16 on: August 25, 2014, 03:19:05 PM »

This is what I'm dealing with, and my real concern (well, maybe not concern anymore... it's becoming academic) is this: we're married, have two young kids, and it is crystal clear to me that she is not heterosexual. Not heterosexual, maybe not any other orientation, but not heterosexual.  Some statements that have been made to me in the last five months (at the start of which I was ejected from the bed, and remain ejected): (1) "I might never be able to be affectionate," (2) "I'm so nervous that we might get to a point where we get along and love each other like brother and sister but we'll never be in love," (3) "I married you because you were there and you weren't scary," (4) "I felt worse and worse about sex because I never wanted it," (4) When the topic of her serial, all consuming relationships with women (her "project" relationships) is brought up by me, and I comment that we could have a great marriage if she put half as much energy into it as she puts into her all consuming relationships with women, she replied "Maybe I just never felt anything for you," (5) "Sex was [note past tense] the least favorite thing in our relationship (read: marriage), I hated it, and I never wanted it," (6) Asked if she trusts men, she replied "No." Asked to elaborate with "Are you saying that you're not attracted to men," I received silence. Asked the same question a second time after I called her out of what appeared to me to be a dissociative state, she replied "I don't know." We briefly moved to different subjects. SHE then returned to the orientation subject and said "So what if I am that way?" (7) "I should never have got married, I didn't know what I was doing [note that we will be married 19 years next month], (8) "I feel trapped."

So I ask you, does it not seem quite clear that she is not hetero?  I have been thinking about suggesting that she come out to herself, at least.  Perhaps our next marital session would be s good forum for that (her orientation) because I have no trust at all in her.  Her statements get more bananas all the time, and she never wants to talk about the substance of marital problems in marriage counseling.  Our MC does not know how to deal with a person like her. 

I deserve better.  I don't know why I waste any more time or money on this problem.  I am paying for her to go through the motions of fake therapy, in which I see again and again her dishonesty in therapy. I feel like a sucker.

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« Reply #17 on: October 01, 2014, 01:10:00 AM »

I think there is a large percentage of BPD's that question their sexuality.

Indeed a while into a our 9 year relationship she told me she had slept with someone days before meeting me, to check she still wanted to be with men. Even then I was kind of blind, and assumed that her alternative would to be alone. It wasnt till 6 years into our relationship that I found out she was bi-sexual, and it wasnt because she told me. Admittedly she has to this day, never slept with or had a relationship with another woman, and has to my knowledge only ever kissed a friend when she was in hospitable, but that it doesnt change the fact that she does find other women attractive both physically and emotionally, and it nearly drove us apart when I found out.

Even now because of the way I found out, Im still jealous and paranoid about what she might be doing, but maybe also Im looking for an excuse to leave...  cry


"question their sexuality"

You are so much more charitable than me.
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