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Author Topic: What is SET?  (Read 282 times)
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« on: September 20, 2014, 02:38:19 AM »

Hi. Please help. What is 'SET'? How does it work in practice exactly? I think I understand that it is a communication technique that avoids outright invalidation but allows you to convey some truth of a situation. I think. But how? Much needed technique for me right now so any guidance greatly appreciated. (Jade pointers good too.).

Thank you.

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« Reply #1 on: October 02, 2014, 04:25:52 AM »

Basically it's not dissimilar to how you would pacify a distraught 6 year old. It's designed to avoid confrontation with a BPD. So we need to show them Sympathy and Empathy (as that's what they want to hear). Also the Truth bit - a BPD does not react well to uncovering a lie.

If you Google it, there's quite a bit of info out there. Also there's a section on this website (with a video) showing it in action (from memory).

Don't let them grind you down.
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« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2014, 11:34:08 AM »

The video and discussion is here: http://BPDfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

SET is a communication tool that works well with all adults.



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« Reply #3 on: October 02, 2014, 04:07:34 PM »

Thankyou both, much appreciated.
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« Reply #4 on: October 02, 2014, 11:15:52 PM »

Here are some good threads explaining JADE:


Learning SET is indeed a good communcation technique to use on anybody. When people are verbally fighting, it's likely that the JADEing is mutual. With a pwBPD, the "non" partner has the overall emotional stability to reduce conflict, though it's understandable that this can be difficult.

With practice, it becomes easier. I try SET on a lot of people now, though I never had communication problems or conflict with anyone but my uBPDx (not counting the teen years with my BPD mom). I'm consciously incorporating validation in raising my kids.

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