My lover is picking fights- I can't do anything right.

[Think About It...]

So here's my story. I have been dating M since September. She told me straight up she was recovering from a nervous breakdown, and had been struggling with addiction and alcohol for 5 years, which cumulated in said breakdown. I became a stablizing person in her life, and she only used 2x since we have been together, and has promised/attempted to get help with her issues. Why am I with this person? I see her as who she could be, and has been in the past. I really thought the worst was over, and she was on an upswing. I wanted to be there as a supportive friend.

She was so generous and kind to me the first 3 months. In hindsight, some of this was a bit controlling and manipulative.. like when I did not appreciate a gift, she would freak out. And I realize now that most of the time we were together, we were drinking. As she committed to stop drinking and to finding a better job, things fell apart. When she was sober, she would find dozens of reasons to start a fight with me and was very irritable. I was hurt, but supported her efforts to "get better". I realize now that it's not only b/c she was drying out. She exhibits all traits of BPD, and has even said that in the past it was suggested to her that she is BPD. The alcohol has been self-medicating, and she's been BPD all along.

In the last month, she has been making an effort to drink less as she is looking for a better job with health insurance, as she realizes she needs help. Sadly, her BPD is now front and center. We haven't talked in a week, really. She "broke up" with me 3x, then apologized. She is starting all sorts of petty arguments with me. Happily, I've been able to disengage from most of the drama and take space for myself. But she is really trying to push me away.

I'm proud of her for not drinking/using as much as in the past. But she is super irritable b/c she's not self medicating, and is taking it out on me. I hope she gets a new job with health insurance and can stick with the idea of getting help. But I feel like I'm getting the fallout here. I'm also sad to realize that most of our relationship has been influenced by alcohol. The good parts seem like they were a dream now.

[emdily]

So here's my story. I have been dating M since September. She told me straight up she was recovering from a nervous breakdown, and had been struggling with addiction and alcohol for 5 years, which cumulated in said breakdown. I became a stablizing person in her life, and she only used 2x since we have been together, and has promised/attempted to get help with her issues. Why am I with this person? I see her as who she could be, and has been in the past. I really thought the worst was over, and she was on an upswing. I wanted to be there as a supportive friend.

She was so generous and kind to me the first 3 months. In hindsight, some of this was a bit controlling and manipulative.. like when I did not appreciate a gift, she would freak out. And I realize now that most of the time we were together, we were drinking. As she committed to stop drinking and to finding a better job, things fell apart. When she was sober, she would find dozens of reasons to start a fight with me and was very irritable. I was hurt, but supported her efforts to "get better". I realize now that it's not only b/c she was drying out. She exhibits all traits of BPD, and has even said that in the past it was suggested to her that she is BPD. The alcohol has been self-medicating, and she's been BPD all along.

In the last month, she has been making an effort to drink less as she is looking for a better job with health insurance, as she realizes she needs help. Sadly, her BPD is now front and center. We haven't talked in a week, really. She "broke up" with me 3x, then apologized. She is starting all sorts of petty arguments with me. Happily, I've been able to disengage from most of the drama and take space for myself. But she is really trying to push me away.

I'm proud of her for not drinking/using as much as in the past. But she is super irritable b/c she's not self medicating, and is taking it out on me. I hope she gets a new job with health insurance and can stick with the idea of getting help. But I feel like I'm getting the fallout here. I'm also sad to realize that most of our relationship has been influenced by alcohol. The good parts seem like they were a dream now.

[jessicapuppy]

Hi there Emdily

It really is hard when we're in the firing line all the time!  I know how hard it was when I was on the receiving end of my ex's rages and other BPD behaviours, but your gf seems to have several different things going on here (such as withdrawal) which is going to make things even tougher.

Self-medicating when suffering with BPD is quite common.  I am glad that she is trying to stop this.  She clearly has a level of awareness of how she is affecting others, which is a good start.

Over on the Staying Board, you will find resources to help manage your communication with your gf, to minimise the rages and help diffuse situations. 

It can be very helpful for us to have a therapist (T), as well as for the person with BPD to have one. 

I understand what you are saying about feeling as though the good parts of the relationship haven't been real.  It really takes some getting our head around things, when our loved-one has mental illness.

You might find this set of resources useful, in helping you make a decision about staying or going:

Choosing a Path - Lessons for members who are undecided about their relationships

JP
x

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[OnceConfused]

Emdily:

It is so typical of BPD that you came to be the rescuer (the stabilizing friend) so initially she was so generous with you (not because she is generous, but because that is the way to reel the fish in , so to speak).

Hang around and read many of the posts here to get a feel for yourself about how to deal with this BPD.

Her trying to push you away is a way to test "your loyaly and your attachment to her". As you get further away, BPD will try to PULL you back with gifts, nice text, apology and such.

I can only give you what my T told me once she heard of my stormy r.s w xBPDgf, and here are the words of wisdom:

1. This is a high risk relationship,
2. She is probably Ms. RIGHT, but not MRS. RIGHT NOW.

Good luck in finding your way out of OZ.

[emdily]

Thanks.. I am trying to figure out if and when to contact her. She has been not communicating very much, and last night cancelled a phone call we were going to have b/c she tried to pick a fight via txt message and called me "rude". I replied politely and did not take the bait. So she attacked me again and told me she wasn't going to call.

Today she sent me a link to a news story via email. I responded neutrally. I don't really feel like checking in with her today, or planning to meet or anything. I guess I'll let her do that b/c she seems to need space. I'm not going to beg or apologize for whatever it is that she is annoyed about, since she hasn't let me know what is bothering her.

[GreenMango]

emdily,

You've got two things going on in your relationship right now.  BPD and addiction.  Both of these can have severe implications for both the person suffering from them and their partner. 

If you are Choosing a Path (-----------> on the right side column there are links towards the top of the page) the first two things are to Stop the Bleeding and Take a Step Backwards.

It's great that you are not engaging with her fight picking.  The situation sound incredibly strenuous.  Have you checked out the SET or Dearman Strategies?  These go towards Step 1.

Have you given some thought to joining Al-anon?

-GM