Teenager "reconciling" with BPD mom - nightmare starts over again

[Think About It....]

It's been a long time since I've been here.  Things have been so peaceful... until now   15yo SD has been living with DH and I for a year and a half, barely seeing momster because of major issues back then.  Momster's contact has been very, very infrequent, sometimes months in between contacts.  For me, it's awesome.  For SD, it's heartbreaking.  She's been in therapy the whole time and getting stronger, until recently.  She's at momster's for the first weekend visit as I'm writing this.  She says things are fine.  So I'm anticipating the BPD rollercoaster ride will start anew... and I want to barf.

I see many of the borderline characteristics in my SD (momster's "bad child", of course) and now that she's choosing to see momster as good, I, of course will be turning "bad" in her eyes any second now.  Not fun.  And the intrusions will begin again.  What I call drive-bys.  The incessant phone calls.  The mood swings.  The whole enchilada...

If any of you have been there, please give me advice on how to handle the upcoming nightmare without losing my cool and without comprimising MY boundaries as far as the intrusions.  It's been so pleasant not having to be the one saying, "She cannot come by our house five times during our week.  You can't have 10 phone calls with her on our days.  No, you can't take all your stuff there and never bring it home.  Blah, blah, blah.)  I hate the pettiness of having to deal with the day-to-day conflicts and the day-to-day BS that comes with momster.  I absolutely HATE it!

Wish me luck...

[justanotherday]

It's been a long time since I've been here.  Things have been so peaceful... until now   15yo SD has been living with DH and I for a year and a half, barely seeing momster because of major issues back then.  Momster's contact has been very, very infrequent, sometimes months in between contacts.  For me, it's awesome.  For SD, it's heartbreaking.  She's been in therapy the whole time and getting stronger, until recently.  She's at momster's for the first weekend visit as I'm writing this.  She says things are fine.  So I'm anticipating the BPD rollercoaster ride will start anew... and I want to barf.

I see many of the borderline characteristics in my SD (momster's "bad child", of course) and now that she's choosing to see momster as good, I, of course will be turning "bad" in her eyes any second now.  Not fun.  And the intrusions will begin again.  What I call drive-bys.  The incessant phone calls.  The mood swings.  The whole enchilada...

If any of you have been there, please give me advice on how to handle the upcoming nightmare without losing my cool and without comprimising MY boundaries as far as the intrusions.  It's been so pleasant not having to be the one saying, "She cannot come by our house five times during our week.  You can't have 10 phone calls with her on our days.  No, you can't take all your stuff there and never bring it home.  Blah, blah, blah.)  I hate the pettiness of having to deal with the day-to-day conflicts and the day-to-day BS that comes with momster.  I absolutely HATE it!

Wish me luck...

[happygirl]

It just makes you sick, doesn't it.  I feel so sorry for the parents and step parents in this situation.

Rose has been dealing with many of the similiar issues, you may want to look up her posts and see some of the things that we have been talking about.  It may give you a heads up into how to deal with certain situations.

I do think that one thing is clear, is that she has learned that she needed to save herself and her husband before she let the child destroy the good that they had.  I don't know if that is an issue for you but Rose worked very hard to find limits for herself.

HG

[spent18]

Those day – to – day conflicts are one thing she relies upon.  They give her the ammo to use with young children.  Don’t underestimate the ability of a bp to manipulate anyone, children are much easier.  My ex (who now has no home and very little contact with our children) could easily convince abused woman shelters that SHE was abused.  When in reality it was the opposite.

I have to go out but see that you’re on-line.  I don’t visit BPDFamily much anymore (or it’s current name),  but since my children are with mom for their one night a week will follow this up on this after I get back.

Just want you to think about this – the games being played with the children are only word games and manipulations.  If you stand strong and don’t let them affect you,  then the kids can see the truth.  STAND ON RIGHT AND WRONG.  I’m a single father who is still having to fight these games twenty plus years after they started,  The trick is not getting sucked into them

Brent

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[spent18]

I’m not sure of your history,  but think it’s only been a short time (less than 5-10 years) that you have had to deal with a bp Iin your/your child’s’ life.

It’s too bad this individual comes and goes in her child’s life.  None of us/you can control that.  You seem to fear the twisting her mom will give during this contact.  Rightfully so!  It can and very possibly will happen.  You may have now become a target.  Why? You have replaced her as Mom.

I hope you have studied this illness,  if not, do so.  It is an illness and has very predictable systems.  Once you understand the thought process you can get ahead of the game.

The odds are very high that mom will try to determine what your SD doesn’t like about your parenting and then tell the child “I wouldn’t do that”,  “Oh how dare she do that to you”,  “Oh that’s mean”….  Basically mom will try to determine what the teenager does not like about your parenting and then ACT as if she wouldn’t do the same. It’s a game of manipulation.  You can’t change it.  If I went to my local school ground and found a child who was not allowed to have lollipops and then offered one to him,  what do you think would happen?  He would see me as nicer than his mother/father.  This is a basic explanation of what bp parents do.

I survived (maybe not wholly intact) 20 years with a bp and have seen all the games they play with children.  I still remember the time the police were called when I insisted my 17 year old son clean his room (mind you – it was two/three feet deep in everything).  I had given days/weeks of chances and then said “do it or I’ll cancel the check for the Washington DC trip”.  He already though that he could disregard any of my decisions/expectations.  I did cancel that check – mom called the police.  His bedroom was literally a fire hazard.  He had years of learning Mom would support any of his actions.  He out and out refused to clean it.

Back to your situation.  If your SD stays in-contact with mom the odds are that mom will indeed try to undermine anything you say.  Be careful of your positions, but stand strong, use good rational to support your position.  And most definably do not get into an argument with the child when she tells you “my Mom wouldn’t do that” (stand on your position and reasoning without tiring to fight mom thought her).  I have spent 20 years with a bp and have seen her take oppositional positions against me that would surprise anyone.  The reason is that they want to use the children against you. While at the same time “gaining” the children (funny thing is, once the children get older they start to see it  - Just today my children’s mom said to the seventeen year old “It’s my time to see you” when the child wanted to do something else  - Think she might feel as if she a possession?)

Brent

[emminencefront]

jad,

Does you DH truly understand how much pain the chaos causes you?  Because if the girl's father doesn't see where you are coming from and understand your point of view, you can expect all your boundaries to go right down the tubes.

EF

[Over The Drama]

((j.a.d.))
Oh, I feel your pain.  I was in the exact same position November 2006 when "the Jackal" started re-engaging her daughter (14) back and she was workin' it hard.  SD moved in with us and Jackal was silent to us all for 6 months.  Then she got a new bf and started the re-engagement up.  Life was so good during that 6 months of silence and KABAM!  The B*tch was back!  SD fell for it hook, line and sinker.  SD was entertaining the dream of moving back to mommy's house and how life would be better.  Her mommy loved her again.  Oh, the thrill of being white again after being black for so long.  It was like she was high.  She visited her momster for 5 days during Thanksgiving break.  Guess what?  When she came back she was so cold to me.  It was so painful for me.  I was crushed.  I was hurt, angry and depressed.  Then I told her how I felt.  How I felt like she painted me black now that mommy was white again.  I told her it hurt me deeply.  She finally softened up and loved me again.  Then Christmas came, another 5 day visit with momster and she came back nicer to me this time.  She was still very enmeshed with Jackal though.  Finally, in February Jackal showed her true colors again and got mad at SD for telling us a secret.  She stopped talking to her daughter yet again.  Since then SD has tried to call periodically and be the "bigger person."  But, each time Jackal was horrible to her and said the meanest things.  In August of last year SD started calling me "mom" and this January she asked me to adopt her.  She is through trying to earn her "ex-mom's" love.  She's through getting hurt and abused by her.  She's ready for a loving, supportive caring mom.  It's okay now.  After nearly 2 years of having her live with us, I still worry that the re-engagement will start up.  It's a fear that's in the back of my mind.  I hate it too.  Our daughters are so vulnerable to these "evil" mothers.  It sucks.

So, sorry for the short novel above, but I want to let you know that I really feel your pain.  I can tell you that by being loving, honest and being there for her no matter what will be the very best thing for her.  If your daughter's momster is the type (like ours) that can go dark for periods of time and paint her black for periods of time, she likely will again.  Someday your SD will see that.  For now, you have to love her and tell her how you feel if she treats you badly.  Open up to her and show her that she is your daughter.  She'll need you more than anyone when she is rejected by the one who brought her into this world.  She'll need a REAL mom.

As far as the drive-by situations and the feeling that there is a "mini-spy" living with you, (that's how we felt at times) it's just something we have to wait out.  It sucks so badly, and I'm so sorry. 

I have a feeling your SD will see reality sooner than later.  You truly love her.     

[justanotherday]

Thank you, Smadrae. 

I have a feeling this newfound "connection" SD is feeling with her momster will be relatively short-lived, in that I don't think momster will "trust" SD to be faithful to her since SD chose DH and me for the past 18 months she's quite the traitor in momster's eyes).  So I have a feeling that the grass won't really be as green with momster as SD wants to think it might be... but I'm sure SD will again cover up for momster's shortcomings and try to justify momster's bad behavior for awhile.  So I'm dusting off my "black" hat and preparing for what comes along with being "forced" to wear it...

It's funny.  I have, like I said, stepped away from FTF/Nook for awhile because, for a change, I didn't need to be here all the time... but I am so grateful to have you people to come back to for support when things go wacko again.  I appreciate how much people here care about one another.  And although I wouldn't recognize any of you if I bumped into you someplace, I feel the friendship on this board, and it makes an awful situation of dealing with a BPD a lot easier knowing that I have "friends" who are going through similar situations and making it through alive 

This is a really good place.