mirroring and projection please advise

[Think About It....]

    up until looney tune had her major episode 18 months ago,I cant recall mirroring ,projecting but it is something that has continued since. The stalker is charging me with stalking,on social services report is a mirror of why Im still here.I have a very good memory for things and I dont recall it before?I have custody hearing Monday,is it anew level of her BPD ?

[LEO]

    up until looney tune had her major episode 18 months ago,I cant recall mirroring ,projecting but it is something that has continued since. The stalker is charging me with stalking,on social services report is a mirror of why Im still here.I have a very good memory for things and I dont recall it before?I have custody hearing Monday,is it anew level of her BPD ?

[LostAngel99]

    up until looney tune had her major episode 18 months ago,I cant recall mirroring ,projecting but it is something that has continued since. The stalker is charging me with stalking,on social services report is a mirror of why Im still here.I have a very good memory for things and I dont recall it before?I have custody hearing Monday,is it anew level of her BPD ?

Could be!  Custody suits are certainly stressful enough to trigger even previously dormant behaviors.

In our initial custody petition, we listed several things she was doing that were, um, inappropriate, that affected where the child should live.   I was pretty shocked when BPDer prepared declarations in her Response that was nearly identical to ours...she basically just switched her name with ours and accused us of everything she was doing.   Bizarre! 

[LEO]

Lost angel 199 that would make sense "she wrote I will do anything to protect My son"He was always a good kid I never spanked Him ,he would listen..Hes the only reason Im here.I knew it was a matter of time her rageing at him would get to hitting as it did with Me,his counselor said when i was out of town he felt he was neglected.Her Internet post tells who she is i told her if she ever hit him in anger i would mail ten and she did and I did That Internet post takes off the mask and I will have three copy's come Monday.The stress woke me up at 2 am and its days away.It shows shes a Liar with no morals.Be cause I raised him she has always given him less time money everything hes all she has left to hurt me with.that and a report she took her fist to him.Ironic she did a fake merciless smear campaign on me from day one i held back on what i had on her for over a year.Last year she raged at him to where he couldn't make it a week with her.then a coat of thin white till he wouldn't go along with her wanting full custody,i shudder at the pressure he has been under.                       Back when her episode she thought I would just leave town,unimaginable leaving him with her,now no matter the outcome Im staying put,I know its a matter of time till she does again .What she has always wanted since her affairs is me out of town .    Odd they assume we have no more scruples than than they do ,she accused me of having an affair while she was having at least two at the same time,No was in love with Her.I guess i thought she had the same values as Me.

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[LostAngel99]

I can certainly understand and relate to your stress...more than once, I have laid in bed at 2 a.m. exhausted on the outside and tight as a drum on the inside over the BPDer in my life, and the safety/welfare of my little granddaughter. 

I'm the grandma in my case, but on the same side as you being that my son is the father and the "non" in his custody suit.  Both my son and my granddaughter live with me (he and the BPD mom are young, only 20, hense my strong involvement)...he currently has sole custody after a year long battle, but we still have proceedings next year before a Final Judgment is granted. 

Do you currently have custody of your son that your ex is challenging?  If you have "legal" physical custody granted to you in an actual Judgment, you are in very good shape.   She would have to prove you flat out unfit, or your home unsuitable for a Judge to consider a change.  Courts go with the status quo...they don't make changes unless there is substantial just cause. 

If you don't have legal custody through a Final Judgment, but have legal temp. custody or simply proof of "possession" (child has been living with you without a court order, and you have proof of his residency with you), you are in pretty good shape too...especially being that you are the father.   Fathers that have custody usually keep custody unless they really screw up or willingly hand the child over to the mom.  Generally speaking...never a guarantee with court.

Her using the "mirroring" techniques in court...there are advantages and disadvantages with this.  You will have an advantage if these stalking charges against her, as well as anything else she has mirrored, were on record before her allegations.   

If you have said nothing and she is presenting this stuff on you first...you could have a problem, and being the father, you should consult an atty if you haven't already done so.   You will have to evaluate very carefully on whether or not you should concentrate on proving yourself innocent vs. proving HER to be the one who is really doing this stuff. 

We had a mountain of evidence against the Mom.  All she had was "allegations" with no proof, and we did allege first.   In the end, she lost her case by her own mouth...we sat back and let her run that mouth.   Because, unfortunately, trying to present all of our evidence of our allegations against her theatrics would have made us all look like participants on the Jerry Springer show...and the court will  not put up with that at all.  The Mom blew so much smoke making it hard to see where the fire was really coming from.   

Also, false allegations of abuse/criminal activity run rampant in Family Court settings, which can cause true allegations of these things to not be taken seriously...especially with mother as the accuser.  On the other hand, courts have to err on the side of caution, and are more likely to believe a "female" as a victim without evidence of proof depending on how well the case is presented.   It can go either way. 

No matter how false your ex's (or STBX) allegations are, it is imperative that you take this seriously.   Gather any and all evidence that you can.  Police reports, written declarations from witnesses (preferably unbias witnesses, like those from HER friends or family), personal logs (your own testimony), medical reports, school reports...things that would show her bad character are decent evidence, but mostly, you want to gather things that would show things that would affect the detriment of welfare, safety, and well being of your son if in her care.   Things that will show you are a good parent with a stable home as well. 

The internet postings?   They will have some weight...but little, I'm afraid.  Anyone can type out an internet post using her name...it can be considered, but it isn't substantial proof.  You need much more than that.

The state you are in can also play a part.   Some states still favor the mother, others lean toward the best parent, and others are flat out joint custody states -- meaning, they will rule to share joint legal/physical custody in situations where both parents appear to be fit and both want to actively raise their shared child(ren).  If you are in a joint custody state, your ex is not proven to be unfit and keeps taking you to court...court can rule to split your child in half. 

Not sure exactly where you are at as far as court proceedings from your post.   If this isn't helpful and you have more questions, feel free to ask. 

*Disclaimer*  I'm not an atty, but a paralegal with a speciality in Legal Research and Family Law (as well as a few other areas).   

Hang in there Leo, and fight hard for your boy.  I certainly know how you feel, and at a point myself where I would mortgage my home to the hilt to prevent my little granddaughter from EVER returning to her mother where she would be unsafe, abused, and neglected again.  I will back my son, and fight with the full extent of my being, to protect her.  Its been a real test to my household and to my sanity...but I've got no choice.       

Lost angel 199 that would make sense "she wrote I will do anything to protect My son"He was always a good kid I never spanked Him ,he would listen..Hes the only reason Im here.I knew it was a matter of time her rageing at him would get to hitting as it did with Me,his counselor said when i was out of town he felt he was neglected.Her Internet post tells who she is i told her if she ever hit him in anger i would mail ten and she did and I did That Internet post takes off the mask and I will have three copy's come Monday.The stress woke me up at 2 am and its days away.It shows shes a Liar with no morals.Be cause I raised him she has always given him less time money everything hes all she has left to hurt me with.that and a report she took her fist to him.Ironic she did a fake merciless smear campaign on me from day one i held back on what i had on her for over a year.Last year she raged at him to where he couldn't make it a week with her.then a coat of thin white till he wouldn't go along with her wanting full custody,i shudder at the pressure he has been under.                       Back when her episode she thought I would just leave town,unimaginable leaving him with her,now no matter the outcome Im staying put,I know its a matter of time till she does again .What she has always wanted since her affairs is me out of town .    Odd they assume we have no more scruples than than they do ,she accused me of having an affair while she was having at least two at the same time,No was in love with Her.I guess i thought she had the same values as Me.

[LEO]

 Call me a fool but no attorney the last one over 3000 and she was in contempt on our three victories within no time ,i went back to him more money.She handled all money including my paychecks left me with $3.84 one of her strategy's has been to "you will starve and freeze to death" Im gaining ground .She has threatened to sue to get the cabin on a lake it is shell and plumbing complete if I can put some time and monet in it this summer and sell it I will be in good shape. police records how do I obtain those they were my next call.she has none on me but i have eight or nine on her.School she threatened national attorneys suing all .the put in social services hand but seem afraid to speak up. His pediatrician of five years and counselor of over a year I implored his court appointed attorney speak with them as well as a neighbor who saw her going into my house she is 70 with a bad heart but also the neighborhood watch person.My last lawyer didnt get the BPD component,his attorney does.

[LostAngel99]

Okay...your son has a court appointed atty?   This is better than just fighting your ex's atty, but you still have to protect yourself, and keep in mind, strongly, that the court appointed atty is there to protect your son's best interests, not yours -- so while he should dig in deeper into your ex's allegations against you (since they are false, this is a good thing), you still need to gather/document evidence for yourself.  Cooperate, but don't trust this court appointed atty in a custody dispute that you want to win.  He's not on your side nor your ex's side.

Another thing you should keep in mind...as far as the courts are concerned, and as far as this court appointed atty is concerned...they aren't going to look at what is fair and what is just...they are going to look at "is the situation where the child is living bad enough to constitute change?"   This mindset should go well for you considering your circumstances.   

With the threats to sue you for the cabin...she cannot really "win" at doing this, She has to file a Motion, which opens your divorce case back up (if final decree has already been ordered), and declares an error in the original order -- perhaps that you hid the true value of the property.   If you make any improvements to the cabin, make sure you save the receipts to show that the value was upgraded after the divorce. 

Each time you call the police on her, there is either an "incident" report or a police report filed by the responding officer at the police station.  Incident reports are simply for documenting the call.  Police reports indicate some type of law was violated, tho they don't always result in prosecution.   The reporting party is entitled to a copy of an incident report free of charge from the local police station.  Police reports charge a few bucks.   If however, the police report involves the abuse/neglect of a minor child, they may "seal" it from release...if that is the case, you would have to supeana them.   

Reports from social services won't be obtained easily.  It takes a special type of supeana, generally obtained through a special hearing, and even then they will only abide by it if they determine it is the best interest of the child...on top of that, they will only release certain info.   The court appointed atty is the best person to get those records into Family Court.

The pediatrician of five years, counselor, and the neighbor witness are good...as long as they don't have anything bad to say about you.   Your son's school may be a good resource for potential witness declarations for your side of the case, especially if your ex has threatened to sue -- it is a good possibility that school officials have seen your ex's bizarre behavior, and can also provide information backing you up as a good parent. 

[quote author=Leo link=topic=70880.msg688533#msg688533 date=1204898619]
 Call me a fool but no attorney the last one over 3000 and she was in contempt on our three victories within no time ,i went back to him more money.She handled all money including my paychecks left me with $3.84 one of her strategy's has been to "you will starve and freeze to death" Im gaining ground .She has threatened to sue to get the cabin on a lake it is shell and plumbing complete if I can put some time and monet in it this summer and sell it I will be in good shape. police records how do I obtain those they were my next call.she has none on me but i have eight or nine on her.School she threatened national attorneys suing all .the put in social services hand but seem afraid to speak up. His pediatrician of five years and counselor of over a year I implored his court appointed attorney speak with them as well as a neighbor who saw her going into my house she is 70 with a bad heart but also the neighborhood watch person.My last lawyer didnt get the BPD component,his attorney does.
[/quote]

[LEO]

 I will have the police reports today,My former neighbor is scared of her and reluctant i wont push it ,shes the first one who told Me watch youre back xBPD has been driving by her house daily?the cabin news is good.The sons attorney was told where to find the paper trail easily,given his schhol testing saying hes fine at school,her abuse claims are mirroring she controlled all funds.her internet post listing divorced,while married seeking any marital situation and the last paragraph is clearly swingers on turn offs she describes herself,another call now she also has to go through a mental evaluation :)she dodged the first one ,there detailed plan states any in violation will be charged with contempt of court :)She does not like being held accountable and if in contempt wont cost me a nickel.there will be long term follow ups so if I do loose she will shoot herself in the foot in short order.If she wins first of May im headed for ky to sell the cabin then double back.Only two months ago she stopped utilities on a cabin that wasn't hers?also a note from august 06 stressing I go to the cabin in Ky .this should prove her intent to get me out of town.Also last year every time I picked him up shattered from her rage his counselor and children's services were notified or I took him for a visit I also gave all entity's permission to communicate with each other,School,childrens center ,pediatrician and counselor.she never took him once but had her insurance stop paying the Court order that He continue seeing the same pediatrician and counselor his last appointment she delayed then instead of taking him called and according to son yeld at him for a hour?dozens of those visits to the entity's i stated she screams at him to the point he shuts down.My concerns with all have been consistent as they are now.

[LostAngel99]

It sounds like you are pretty well prepared and that the court app. atty is already leaning toward a recommendation for you :-).

You make a good point that even if you lose, she will shoot herself in the foot quickly.  That happened in our case...court ruled for a sole joint 50/50, the BPDMom screwed up and we got sole custody back after three months. 

Good luck! 

[LEO]

lost Angel youre advice is what i needed.If I loose going to lake Cumberland will be the first break for me since july 5th 2006 from this town at some level i think that will accelerate her loosing the mask .its a hate love assumption I base that on she has been consistent in her efforts to see me gone.Once I am it may not yield the results for her personally she thinks it will but id wager the opposite I coddled her and kept her wrapped and from doing herself in I think the stalking has to do with knowing what Im doing and here .take that out of the  equation.she would have full accountability and be responsible for my son.i wont be here to make a scapegoat.she never wanted the role to start with thats why she handed a two day old to me to raise.add the ten email post sent when she beat him police records show that came the weekend he wanted the police called saying she was holding him against his will she beat him.

[LostAngel99]

You probably will not lose...but, unfortunately, any time you enter a court of law there is no guarantee of the results, and you are dealing with an irrational person as your opponent. 

You probably know your ex better than anybody else and the best person to predict her next move accurately.  These people are SO unpredictable, but they do have fairly consistent patterns of reactions/behavior if you watch them long enough. 

We have a wonderful case too, what many would call a "slam dunk", but when it comes to my little granddaughter, I will assist my son and personally do what I can to ensure her protection (abuse/neglect in our case too), and that means leaving no stone uncovered. 

This is basically what I tried to offer you...possible stones that could need uncovering to ensure you are armed to the maximum you can be. 

I know how hard it is to not stress, the welfare of a child is at stake.  It can take over your life in a unhealthy way :-(. 

lost Angel youre advice is what i needed.If I loose going to lake Cumberland will be the first break for me since july 5th 2006 from this town at some level i think that will accelerate her loosing the mask .its a hate love assumption I base that on she has been consistent in her efforts to see me gone.Once I am it may not yield the results for her personally she thinks it will but id wager the opposite I coddled her and kept her wrapped and from doing herself in I think the stalking has to do with knowing what Im doing and here .take that out of the  equation.she would have full accountability and be responsible for my son.i wont be here to make a scapegoat.she never wanted the role to start with thats why she handed a two day old to me to raise.add the ten email post sent when she beat him police records show that came the weekend he wanted the police called saying she was holding him against his will she beat him.