BPD BEHAVIORS: Lack of object consistency

[bpdlover]

There was so much reassurance given to the ex that's for sure. I have never spent so much time and energy "consistently" telling a person that I am here and not going to leave. I had no idea just how troubled she was. By the time I was in for the long haul, she was switching back and forth like a yoyo. About six weeks after she had the baby, I remember going to my Mothers for the evening collapsing with exhaustion because I could not get a straight answer and was fighting this illness I knew nothing about. I just thought she was a bit emotionally stunted, having no knowledge of BPD or NPD. What a learning curve this has been. It has really woken me up to just how much of an easy target I was. She treated me like dirt and I could not accept it. 

[diotima]

That is an excellent description of the object constancy issue. Part of the problem of early childhood (infancy) for a BPD is a failure to be able to develop emotional memory, which is necessary in order to form secure attachments. Repeated consistent parenting usually does this for us--enables us to know that there will be a reliable source of need fulfillment. For whatever reason, and some of this could be because a BPD is predisposed to have difficulties forming attachments, this doesn't happen. Hence it dogs relationships throughout life unless dealt with.
Diotima

[OTH]

When we were all infants the first people we learned how to interact with was with our parents, or more specifically our mothers (or whoever was the primary care giver during that stage of development).  That is the most basic interpersonal relationship.  And if you've had the experience of interacting with infants, you will realize that they are very very particularly attached to their mommies.  When mommy is not within sight, they will get anxious and maybe even start to cry because the fear is... that they will be abandoned?  But as soon as mommy comes back in sight, all is well.  This is the basic behavior.

As we develop, we *learn* that even when mommy is not within sight, mommy still loves us.  And mommy will not abandon us.  The notion is that when the appropriately secure environment is fostered, the we *internalize* the security provided by our mothers or our "object".  And we are able to maintain this security in a more or less "constant" way even though our immediate environment might change (i.e., mom goes on vacation, or we go off to college, etc...).  This ability to keep our "object" "constant" in what I think of as our emotional memory, allows us to have the wherewithal to explore beyond our cribs and to form other *stable* interpersonal relationships beyond our principle "object."  I guess the theory is that pwBPD either never made this behavioral development or for different reasons regressed.

According to Mahler, "object constancy is 'the capacity to recognize and tolerate loving and hostile feelings toward the same object..." which we see they cannot do as exhibited by their "splitting" behaviors.  They cannot accept our negative traits along with our positive traits.  They can only either idealize us, or else devalue us.  Nothing in between.

Finally, "[object constancy is] the capacity to value an object for attributes other than its function of satisfying needs."  And this one speaks volumes.  To me it says that pwBPD, who *lack* object constancy, are unable to value (or love) an object (us) when they find that we no longer function to satisfy their needs.  This is to say, they only love us so long as they need us.  And when they do not need us, they find that they are unable to love us.

I'll try to apply this to some of what other people have already written...

This is really relevant to my experience. I know my ex's mother left the family when she was a child. Several years later after going through school and remarrying her mother came back into her life.

I learned that I could not stay overnight at work or she would totally freak out. I couldn't leave her for a day. She left on a short trip once and for some reason that was OK and it didn't unsettle us but I couldn't go anywhere without her. When I finally did it caused our break up.

When she moved in with me she told me she had boxes of stuff from her numerous exbfs. Some of it hand made stuff... some art work even that was made for her. She said it didn't mean anything to her  |> and asked if I thought she should throw it out. I told her it was up to her. She threw it out. I know a few items she took from our relationship. I am under no belief that they mean anything to her anymore. I am sure it is in a box somewhere at best . I have been LC with her since last summer (about 8 months after our breakup). We have probably emailed and talked about 30 times or so. The first 20 were very  contentious with one of us going away hurt and angry at what was said. When I got angry I realized it was just that she couldn't see what I was feeling and accepted that I couldn't communicate with her like that. The last 10 times we talked she was extremely indifferent to me but we actually communicated better. Last October she was in a panic state wanting me to come see her. I didn't go to her rescue and that is when she became indifferent to me. Since then she told me about some of the people in her life and even some of the relationship problems she was having. We have discussed bpd numerous times but she gets angry if I bring it up so I just listen and try to add some positive reinforcement to what I think she is doing right. My emotions towards her have cooled enough that I almost think of her as another ex. . Obviously I still care about her and hope she can be healthier and happier, so she is still a part of my life but kept at a safe distance...about 2000 miles  

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[Finished]

Transitional Objects: For children, a ''transitional object'' can be a teddy bear, or a security blanket. For long the conventional wisdom has been that, as normal children mature, they outgrow such fixations. And the attachment to blankets and the like after 3 or so was, in the classic psychoanalytic framework, defined as disturbed or regressive behavior.

The connotation has been negative, but Horton believes the evidence is against that.  His work embodies a school of thought among those in psychiatry who hold that such attachments can continue normally: ''The relationship that I'm talking about is vital, humane and essential to development throughout one's life,'' he said.

Ok, my therapist who was also our couples therapist said that my ex viewed me as a transitional object. I think my understanding of the term was way way off as it doesn't mesh with what I'm seeing here.

What is one exactly?
How does this play a part in BPD?

[diotima]

Small children use transitional objects to literally make a transition as they develop a sense of self and other. It is part of the individuation phase. Transitional objects help the child learn to soothe himself and gradually become less reliant on the parent figure for this. BPDs do not know how to self-soothe because they did not negotiate this developmental stage, so they are stuck using other people as transitional objects, but they never internalize a coherent self-identity. They are always looking for it to come from the outside. Quite a few psychoanalysts have written about this. Good one to look at is Donald Winnicott--he coined the term.
Diotima

[Finished]

Small children use transitional objects to literally make a transition as they develop a sense of self and other. It is part of the individuation phase. Transitional objects help the child learn to soothe himself and gradually become less reliant on the parent figure for this. BPDs do not know how to self-soothe because they did not negotiate this developmental stage, so they are stuck using other people as transitional objects, but they never internalize a coherent self-identity. They are always looking for it to come from the outside. Quite a few psychoanalysts have written about this. Good one to look at is Donald Winnicott--he coined the term.
Diotima

Thank u ... I had it abOut 1/2 right. I never felt like I was real to my ex. This explains why perfectly. I was always hitting my head against the wall trying to get him to see me as a person. Now I understand why he didnt. I saw the " bright" side of this situation ... This is the dark side.

[Forgetmenot]

So is that why my bpd d17 has always "stolen" my things?  Shirts, jewelry, nothing of great value...but she would take my things without asking and didn't even always need them.  Is is just because I wasn't there at that moment and she needed a "piece" of me?

Also...bpd ex h...Predictably unpredictable...never heard anyone else use that term until I read this thread.

[rich5a]

From what I am reading on object constanct and seperation individuism it seems to be soley between the child and the mother. Is BPD developing at this stage...and does the father play any role in its development?
Thanks
Rich

[Forgetmenot]

It probably has more to do with who they are most emotionally dependent on.  In my case it is me, the mother.  She used to steal from her sister, but her sister moved out as soon as she was old enough and that isn't so much of a problem.
Now it is just me, not brothers, or step dad.  She is estranged from her father.

She likes to just have things that are mine, and personal to me.  Mostly makeup.  I gave up, I just don't wear it anymore.

This child has always had separation issues, even while I was in the same room as an infant.  Yet she didn't have a problem being dropped off at daycare or grammas house.  Upon return, it would take a while for her to act normal to me again.  I guess "splitting was evident" even as a small child.  Only can see it on hindsight since all children develop so differently.

[deep0xoblivion]

This has actually helped me understand what might have occurred with my ex during both breakups. Each time started the same way, met some new friends and spent the weekend hanging out. I, being the nice guy I am, back off and don't contact her so she has some space and doesn't feel I'm uptight or jealous (long distance thing), and she, having a one track mind doesn't attempt to reach out to me whatsoever. Both times she suddenly falls out of love afterwards, and gets involved with her new friends.

[Auspicious]

Not sure if it was mentioned earlier, but "object" here is more in the sense of grammar (like a sentence has a "subject" and an "object") than in the sense of a "thing".

It doesn't mean that the person with BPD sees you as an inanimate object (however tempting it might be to think that they do)

[jp254958]

Reading this is my “ah ha!" moment. Now I understand why it was so easy for her to leave emotionally.  We only saw each other on weekends so I was easily forgotten. This hurts, but I understand why a little more now.  I've been so focused at looking at the other standard DSM criteria for my uexBPDgf and I largely ignored object constancy. She was very forgetful, and seemed to forget the good times we had so easily. It's almost like she couldn't even process them or remember her good feelings about me when we were arguing.

Truthfully, this is an awful, awful disorder. I can't imagine what it would be like to live a life with BPD. It's very, very sad.

Everything is starting to make sense now.  I'm very sad because I guess this means that I have been pretty much forgotten by her already...and that's especially hard considering that she meant the world to me.   

Very informative post.

So object constancy is a big  big factor if you really want to know why bpds are bpds- the fact is they dont grow up on an emotional level and this would explain  their impatience ,frustration ,  their impulsivity and their belief in safety'- sucha contradiction  , their need etc, the way they can jump very quickly to a new partner, their rages , their attacks , their prolonged silences , their sulks , their high maintenance lifestyles - always wantinga new toy   - just like a three year old acts . Think abouyt how a three year old is in a queue or sitiing at restaurant able and now think about your bpd - hopefully by now youre beginning to get the picture .

It might also be the reason why BPd is so hard to fix, why bpds are always in denial and why they will refuse to admit they are wrong - think of that screaming three year old again who no matter what you say to them they believe the mother has left them  .

 
I think once you get to grips with Object constancy you will really get  get to understand whay a bpd acts the way they do .

Kresisman deals with this matter indetail in " I hate you - dont leave me" - if theres any scholars out there and Schnitzel on other posts has discussed this in great detail as have other people on a post entitled emotional immaturity .

I hope this helps - I feel its fundamental to understanding bpd.        

[angel1]

The more I read and learn, the more I start to see and understand.   I now look back on some past conversations when his guard was low and realise that he "has" indeed told me alot about why he is.

My partner is a photographer.  Hundreds of thousands of photographs.  Camera always in his hand everywhere we go.  He is very good at it and sells quite alot of it.  Very artistic and creative.

One night, my two older girls and I were sitting going through a large box of old photographs that I had found.   We were laughing and talking about the events the photographic images reminded us of.  Our conversation was full of memories of people, feelings, and happy times gone by.   If we came across a funny picture then the three of us were immediately able to remember why it was funny then and we could laugh about it NOW the same as we laughed when the photograph was originally taken.   Our minds could link us to a prior emotion through the visual image.  Our sense of inter-relatedness was being strengthened by shared memories and feelings across large spans of time.   However,  as we handed the photos round the group, he would just glance at them and wasn't saying much of anything.   

After the kids left, I casually asked about how/what age his love for photography had started (we were talking about film vs digital images).    He then told me (and I will try to get this bit very right) that he took photographs to have memories.   That he didn't remember 'events' once they had passed.   He looked sad as he looked at a picture of he and I on a beach, arms around each other and smiling/happy.    Then he said that "it" didn't work.   He said that if he looked at the photgraph that he might be able to recall the event but that he never recalled the emotions related to the event.   He couldn't remember feeling happy, sad, or in love when looking at the image.   To him it was just a picture of two people on a beach - he knew who the people were - he knew where the beach was - he recognised that the two people 'looked' in love but that he felt no emotion what so ever.   He then said (and this was like a kick in the gut at the time) that he took photographs because they were pictures of real events...if he looked like he loved me in the photo then he could accept the reality of the image that he had indeed loved me at that point in time even if he couldn't feel that emotion in a current time.

This was an incomprehensible concept.  How can you 'forget' love.   It is integral to the concept of love.   Take the love of a parent to a child - even when upset with each other, apart, distanced - the knowledge still unequivocably exsists between my girls and I that we love each other.   Regardless of any other factor, if in need or distressed, their first phone call will be to me because of that fundamental understanding that I always love them no matter what.   Period.

It is not so for the man I love.   My balance of take the good with the bad and remember the good times can't be for him.   When we are in a bad place, he can't latch onto love as an anchor through time.   He can only look at a photograph to be told that at one time it was there and he should trust in the hard image before him.

It helps to read these posts and be able to link these things in my mind.   Finally, I might be getting at least one foot onto solid ground.