KABOOOOM

[Think About It....]

I should listen more carefuly to all I read here.I am sched to be out of my house this Sat.I have the kids tommorow(FRI)I do not have a solid place till next week,so I sent her an e-mail stating I have my place next week and this weekend will be hers with the kids as stated in our temp orders,I also say since it is Easter i want them to sleep in thier own beds so they can do our annual easter egg hunt in the morning and after a bit of time withB/?NPD mom I would come back and take them out.Very cordial,non threatening and putting the kids first!Right----WRONG.I get an e-mail back stating I better get all my stuff out of the house on sat or else.Also I can't have the kids because it just makes sense for her to have them on Easter?Also she has called the police and told them to swing by on my move out date?And if I dare make things sour all she has to do is make one call.
I never in a million years thought she would go so low and make the kids pawns.At first I was so pissed off that I could have screamed,but I want to choose not to be manipulated and tortured.She has said for so long that she nolonger loves me(of course then gives me an anniversary card 2 days later saying she doesn't want to lose me?)I have tried to mediate,discuss,meet in the middle and the bomb just goes off right in my face.The one time she called the police to our house the police were a little amazed to find her so calm and emotionless,the police officer basicaly told me I should leave because she could just lie and that I would get arrested.This is a darn nightmare,I love my kids and she is doing her best to alienate me from them already.I spoke to my lawyer and I am going for a G.A.L.=has anybody out ther gone this route and how did it turn out.
I believe I have enough proof as she has been to about 7-8 real counselors and a few psychic healers ,on and off meds,has admitted on record that she is/was depressed and I have enough e-mails saved that would make anybody sick.I want FULL custody but living in Ma its a tough road to go,but for my kids safety and wellbeing I travel it on my hands and knees if need be.Any feedback would be greatly appreciated
For a person who said all she wanted was to be away from me she sure as hell doesn't act like it-I should be the one who is acting pissed?

[izzo]

I should listen more carefuly to all I read here.I am sched to be out of my house this Sat.I have the kids tommorow(FRI)I do not have a solid place till next week,so I sent her an e-mail stating I have my place next week and this weekend will be hers with the kids as stated in our temp orders,I also say since it is Easter i want them to sleep in thier own beds so they can do our annual easter egg hunt in the morning and after a bit of time withB/?NPD mom I would come back and take them out.Very cordial,non threatening and putting the kids first!Right----WRONG.I get an e-mail back stating I better get all my stuff out of the house on sat or else.Also I can't have the kids because it just makes sense for her to have them on Easter?Also she has called the police and told them to swing by on my move out date?And if I dare make things sour all she has to do is make one call.
I never in a million years thought she would go so low and make the kids pawns.At first I was so pissed off that I could have screamed,but I want to choose not to be manipulated and tortured.She has said for so long that she nolonger loves me(of course then gives me an anniversary card 2 days later saying she doesn't want to lose me?)I have tried to mediate,discuss,meet in the middle and the bomb just goes off right in my face.The one time she called the police to our house the police were a little amazed to find her so calm and emotionless,the police officer basicaly told me I should leave because she could just lie and that I would get arrested.This is a darn nightmare,I love my kids and she is doing her best to alienate me from them already.I spoke to my lawyer and I am going for a G.A.L.=has anybody out ther gone this route and how did it turn out.
I believe I have enough proof as she has been to about 7-8 real counselors and a few psychic healers ,on and off meds,has admitted on record that she is/was depressed and I have enough e-mails saved that would make anybody sick.I want FULL custody but living in Ma its a tough road to go,but for my kids safety and wellbeing I travel it on my hands and knees if need be.Any feedback would be greatly appreciated
For a person who said all she wanted was to be away from me she sure as hell doesn't act like it-I should be the one who is acting pissed?

[LEO]

Welcome to the world of BPDx co parenting,expect every word to be a lie and all promises broken and the kids in spite of the damage to them to be used as a club to beat you with a painful experience you know.by now.I can say start documenting all.the first GAL was useless the second a sharp lady. I know youre pain as many here do some have more useful advice as Im still trying to figure out the best course of action in My case.good luck and hang tough.

[spent18]

Izzo,

GAL – I found mine to be very helpful (also very expensive).  But, must admit it took a while.  Initially she almost took the kids away from both of us. Why?  Well mom had abused them/me.  And I hadn’t done enough to stop it.  It took a few months for her to understand my position (kids went to my aunt’s house in NH while she investigated).

Pyhc exams came in,  deep investing,  meetings with old T’s,  reading my saved doc’s and listening to my recorded evidence of abuse ……. Gave the GAL little course but to recommend primary custody to me and very limited visitation to her.

Looking back she was as big an asset as my own lawyer, maybe bigger (and I think almost as expensive).

I do have one suggestion.  Make sure that everything you present to GAL is done with the intention of showing the best interest of the children.  Even if she has slashed your throat five times over history.  Aiming at what she’d done to YOU isn’t the GAL’s concern.  Try to demonstrate her instability and how it would/has hurt the children, this is her concern.  While also trying to demonstrate your stability.  Be prepared to show how you’ll care for the kids while you work.  Woman don’t usually have to do this,  but we men are often asked about it (wild ha! – woman don’t work?).  Make sure you show sympathy for her,  do not show anger about soon to be x.  Find out which old therapists are willing to talk to GAL (but do make sure that you KNOW how they feel about her/you first).  Many T’s don’t want to go to court but are much more will to have a GAL come by the office for an hour,  especially if they know you are a better caregiver than she (all T’s care about the kids and will usually talk when it is to benefit the kids).

And if I dare make things sour all she has to do is make one call.

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS MAKE ONE CALL! Oh ya,  I think it was those words which made me reply.  My x was a frequent flier on flight 911 – I now know most of the officers in my small town on a first name basis (although I’ve always used Sir or Officer XYZ when the responded to her calls).  I too have had those – just leave for tonight statements – WHEN I HAD DONE NOTHING WRONG (oh well,  so many woman have been abused by husbands,  that I think the system has overreacted a bit – In CT we had a case about 15 years ago which changed things dramatically).

Best of luck with the GAL.  No matter what,  stay calm with him or her – remember YOU BOTH have the same goal “the best interest of the children” (and that’s not a bad thing to state subtly  to him/her during your conversations).

I will say,  You do already seem to have one nail in your coffin.  I read that you’re leaving the house this Sat and she’s keeping primary custody.  GAL’s don’t like switch this around much.

From Saturday on keep track of everything she does with them.  Make written records of anything wrong – Late for school,  missed doctors appointments,  kids up to late or brought to inappropriate locations,  skipped medications,……even things like I read in your post – her not allowing you to see them on a holiday like Easter (this is call parental alienation if you didn’t know and GAL”s hate it.  It’s a signal as to future behavior).  Also try to make sure x keeps you posted about all effecting children – school events, grades, doctor appointments,……  If she doesn’t or isn’t willing to share this information,  again = alienation (GAL’s want the children to be with the more cooperative parent)  All of those and many more items can persuade the GAL to stand in your corner during this boxing match. Don’t expect anyone to be knocked out early, often it comes down to a decision after that last bloody round (in my case SHE left the house and the GAL returned them to me after the 3 months at my Aunts. Right then is was basically over – just took another six months to work out the details – but I did have a strong cases and the money to present it – took my 100k +).

I should be the one who is acting pissed?

Correct – we here all know it – you know it.  But whatever you do don’t show it to anyone it else right now.  We men are already considered angry, aggressors.  If you show even the slightest tinge of anger it will only hurt you.  Yes even after the back stabbing.  Best emotion to show is confusion about actions, or sympathy for her.  Just pull the knife out and stand up, this will get bloody.
Good luck
Brent

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[spent18]

Oh ya one more added note.  if "YOU" are requesting the GAL, that's better. Have your lawyer hand pick him or her (don't just let the court appoint one). Make sure your lawyer already has worked with the one who you suggest (it's also good to know his/her past record as to recomending custody to males)

Brent

[funefarm4]

It's sad, but she will use the kids as pawns.

I'd cordially greet the police if she calls them--I've gotten plenty of visits over the years--one just a few weeks ago when ex called from out of state to tell them that they were in danger becuase he didn't like the length of the phone call he got.

Does the court order say anything about Easter?  Go by that.

The police man gave you an excellent piece of advice--my ex was always so calm, cool and collected too.  It is amazing how they can twist things around. Please be careful!  I'd communicate with her as little as possible.  Move out on Saturday as calmly as you possibly can.  Do NOT engage her at all even though she will try to engage you.

Good luck.

[spent18]

DAh……..If you didn’t already understand THIS, …… She’ll use them, … the neighbor
others,…..your friends.    , or hers…….anybody by  else she can USE!

The police are just one among  those toooooo use against you.   I’ll bet you  that your own family have even been tried,  Move out as specified and do all you can to fight her anger,  again in a functional way. NO ANGER FROM YOUR END (my guess is that she’ll show anger).

Good I hope she shows the upcoming gal this anger while you show the true facts.

[LEO]

first G.A L was useless second is like a blood hound on the trail.GOOD

[Dymphna]

Document, Document, Document.  Make a daily journal of what is happening.  Be prepared for a smear campaign and alienation.  It is important that you seek a therapist who understands BPD and can be an advocate for your child. 

Also, it would help if you do some advance moves by talking to people around you before she has access to them (principal, teachers, neighbors, physicians, etc).

I know it is chaotic and stressful.  I understand what you are going through right now.

Mrs. Treasures

[izzo]

Shocker of all shockers and how can ANYBODY DO THIS.I call my lawyer to start the process of a G.A.L. I know how hard it will be and then...She speaks to me as lucid and calm as i have never seen?
She was just telling me I better be out and the police will be here,then today she says"I know you don't believe me but I am sorry I hurt you and I tried I am just not meant for marraige""She then says take my time getting my stuff out of the house?Then she says"I only cheated on you in the emotional way not the physical way"and also"see what your jelousy has done-if you weren't looking you never would have found (those mens)numbers"
My God talk about an emotional sucker punch!I am a strong person by all accounts but I had just spent the day with my kids then came home and packed up my stuff knowing I cannot never come back to the house I built and the reality of it all then WHAM she goes in this direction.Thankfuly I stayed strong and cool in front of her but as I left the house I cried like  a baby and started to wonder again is it me!
Thankfuly my best friend called me and kept me grounded but this constant barrage of psychological warfare is utterly confusing and exhausting.I want so badly to get out of OZ and want it done with now but I know I cannot rush thru the process or healing,and as soon as she was being nice to me for the first time inover 5 months some of the things she said were so mean but said with a smile?(the emotional cheating one especialy!)I could feel the FOG creeping in,that is why even though I don't have to be out of the house until tommorow I left tonight.This sucks but I think if I didn't have access to this site and the good people on it I would be falling right back into it.I am still very very emotional even as I write this and its definatley one of those tough nights but I have faith I
will make it out of this

[LEO]

Document, Document, Document.  Make a daily journal of what is happening.  Be prepared for a smear campaign and alienation.  It is important that you seek a therapist who understands BPD and can be an advocate for your child. 

Also, it would help if you do some advance moves by talking to people around you before she has access to them (principal, teachers, neighbors, physicians, etc).

I know it is chaotic and stressful.  I understand what you are going through right now.

Mrs. Treasures
I couldnt have said a three year struggle Better

[spent18]

Pull the knife out and stand up.  Oh ya, that’s easy to say/write.  I’ve been there and read things like that, and wanted to climb right through the computer to the author.

I do mean it,  right now you must be strong.  If not for those kids at least for yourself.  You know what you’ve been through.  That does not mean the court will ever understand a fraction of it.  But you know!  So don’t let her hurt you.  Stand up,  dust yourself off,…….

Best of luck
Brent

[izzo]

Kaboom part 2=I go back sat morning to get my stuff,I have been so emotional as I cannot believe I wont'be in my house with my kids anymore,cried all the way to the house but kept my composure in front of the soon to be ex and kids.As I am getting ready to go she gets in three arguments with 8son,as it escalates I intervene(as usual)she tells me"don't I'm not in the mood"I then talk to my son and tell him even though dad won't be living here he must still respect his mom.He goes to her and apologizes-He comes back to me upset and tells me he apologized 3 times and she said"I don't believe you""thats not a real apology""goaway until you can give me a real apology"He is 8 she is a grown woman!
I was able to quell any further escalation before I left.Now she has been nice too me for roughly almost 24 hrs-which for her is very difficult.So as I am getting ready to leave she asks me if I can stay that night to watch the kids so she can go out?This is the same woman who just the other daysent me a f#$%##%%&**&! e-mail telling me she would only have to make ONE phone call too the police if I made things sour on my way out of the house.This "game "she plays sucks as I never ever know what I will get.Usualy its silence and anger but sometimes its rock bottom saddness and then on the vary rare occsion she is somewhat nice.
Going thru this mess has taught me to look inward and to realize that I have been living my life for someone else and that is one hard realization for me.I wonder what it would have been like if I told her to stop her behavior(which I know she can"t)but at least not have given up all my likes and the time I lost with friends and family not to mention the debt!Saying no to wtching the kids last night was so hard but if I catered to that I know what would have happened-the same thing that always does she would have went out till 2am come home smelling like booze and looking for a fight,and now that we are getting divorced she would have used that card on me too.I know she was pissed because I called at 8:30 to say goodnight to the kids and she wouldn't answer the phone,nice,real nice.

[safetyfirst]

I don't remember if you said where you are moving out TO, but could you have said, 'I can't stay HERE with the kids, but I can TAKE THEM WITH ME tonight and return them in the morning.'?  Just a thought. 

[funefarm4]

I'd take the kids any and every time she asks so she can go out.  Hopefully, she'll hang herself.  Document ...document...document.  Ask if you can keep the kids at your place...and make it so in the court agreement that in the future when she goes out, you'll get the kids. Put in a clause that if you return them and she's visibly drunk, you'll return them when she's sober.



Don't worry so much about the "game" she's playing...that would be my one piece of advice.  Don't look at it like--how dare you kick me out and then ask me to watch the kids to boot--look at it like...I get another weekend with my kids because you are foolish enough to choose the booze over them.

 

[LEO]

xBPD has done more to help My case than I have,The grandiose above the law attitude is surfacing the false claims dragging me into court has back fired for her.Iwent to the store today to buy my son a birthday card.Who slithers past but her boyfriend while we were married?Iknow shes had atleast two affairs on him.I started to stop him and say You know you're going to have to share her,You already have.But just kept walking ,What justice? she will deal it out.This is the same guy who took My picture rode by giving Me mean looks?twice ive run into him and he goes the other way fast.