Shared parenting started this month...

[Think About It....]

... and it's not going so well.  We are to share parenting of our kindergartner 50% each on a 2-2-5-5 schedule.  It started early this month.  Less than a month old.  I was monitoring the court's web site and saw when it became final.  She'd didn't even know the decree was issued until a week later when I told her we didn't have another court date.

Over a week ago she called wanting to trade a day and it took 30 minutes (30!) for us her to arrange it.  Well, she was all over the map, not able to make sense of swapped dates, mixed up on the month, repeating and starting over.  She wanted one trade, I wanted another date that the decree specified was to be a trade.  Yes, I know it's not good to trade time if it can be avoided, it opens us up to all sorts of misbehaviors and enmeshment in their illogic.  But at the time the quit claim hadn't been signed yet and it was already past the date specified in the final orders.

Well, then during the week, I had to find a day care closer to the school so I can get to work earlier.  She had our son at a day care that provided no transportation to school, so she was doing all the midday transporting, even on my time.  Naturally, I couldn't count on her to take him to the day care, she would keep him after school until I came from work.  So the new place is a win-win.  I can drop him off there before school (to fit my work schedule) and the facility transports him (no BP pick ups).  I informed her about it a few days ago.  As you can guess, she didn't receive it well, she blew up and hung up before I finished explaining the benefits.

So Friday night, I went to pick him up from day care, and he wasn't there.  I called her and asked where to pick him up, yes, again at her mercy.   Surprise, surprise, she said she was on vacation with him and they'd be back in five days or maybe a week.  I reminded her we agreed to this change only the week before per the orders, but she said she'd long since told me she was going to take a vacation.  Well, orders say vacation notices must be written and 30 days in advance.  That didn't happen and she never gave any dates anyway.

School reopens today after last week's Spring Break.  I sent the school an email of his absence this week, as I am now the residential parent.  I asked whether she had notified them.  Somehow I doubt it.

No, she'll be back, she hasn't gotten her money from the divorce settlement yet.  She's oblivious, rules don't apply to her, full sense of MOTY and entitlement, etc.

Now she wants me to say I'll repay her for some of his theme park fees.  No way.  I said I paid all costs on my vacations, so she can pay hers.  I did ask if she wants a small advance on the divorce settlement funds but she refused that.  Naturally, I'm the one not letting him have fun on her vacation. :

Not even a month old, and SP is in jeopardy.  Time to make an appointment with the mediator.  If it fails, then off we go to court again.  (She's already told me she has no lawyer and won't ever go back to court again.  She wishes.)  I called my lawyer and I could tell he had anticipated problems of some sort sooner rather than later.

[ForeverDad]

... and it's not going so well.  We are to share parenting of our kindergartner 50% each on a 2-2-5-5 schedule.  It started early this month.  Less than a month old.  I was monitoring the court's web site and saw when it became final.  She'd didn't even know the decree was issued until a week later when I told her we didn't have another court date.

Over a week ago she called wanting to trade a day and it took 30 minutes (30!) for us her to arrange it.  Well, she was all over the map, not able to make sense of swapped dates, mixed up on the month, repeating and starting over.  She wanted one trade, I wanted another date that the decree specified was to be a trade.  Yes, I know it's not good to trade time if it can be avoided, it opens us up to all sorts of misbehaviors and enmeshment in their illogic.  But at the time the quit claim hadn't been signed yet and it was already past the date specified in the final orders.

Well, then during the week, I had to find a day care closer to the school so I can get to work earlier.  She had our son at a day care that provided no transportation to school, so she was doing all the midday transporting, even on my time.  Naturally, I couldn't count on her to take him to the day care, she would keep him after school until I came from work.  So the new place is a win-win.  I can drop him off there before school (to fit my work schedule) and the facility transports him (no BP pick ups).  I informed her about it a few days ago.  As you can guess, she didn't receive it well, she blew up and hung up before I finished explaining the benefits.

So Friday night, I went to pick him up from day care, and he wasn't there.  I called her and asked where to pick him up, yes, again at her mercy.   Surprise, surprise, she said she was on vacation with him and they'd be back in five days or maybe a week.  I reminded her we agreed to this change only the week before per the orders, but she said she'd long since told me she was going to take a vacation.  Well, orders say vacation notices must be written and 30 days in advance.  That didn't happen and she never gave any dates anyway.

School reopens today after last week's Spring Break.  I sent the school an email of his absence this week, as I am now the residential parent.  I asked whether she had notified them.  Somehow I doubt it.

No, she'll be back, she hasn't gotten her money from the divorce settlement yet.  She's oblivious, rules don't apply to her, full sense of MOTY and entitlement, etc.

Now she wants me to say I'll repay her for some of his theme park fees.  No way.  I said I paid all costs on my vacations, so she can pay hers.  I did ask if she wants a small advance on the divorce settlement funds but she refused that.  Naturally, I'm the one not letting him have fun on her vacation. :

Not even a month old, and SP is in jeopardy.  Time to make an appointment with the mediator.  If it fails, then off we go to court again.  (She's already told me she has no lawyer and won't ever go back to court again.  She wishes.)  I called my lawyer and I could tell he had anticipated problems of some sort sooner rather than later.

[Mr. M]

Changes: All provisions of this agreement may be altered with prior WRITTEN agreement between both parties. If a deviation is agreed to by both parties, it may not be revoked or changed without subsequent written agreement by both parties. Written agreements may be accomplished via email, fax, or through other documented media.

It looks like you'll have to spend more time in court.  I wouldn't let her off the hook.  Make her accountable right out of the gate to the fullest extent of the "law" and pray it changes her... it'll probably take a few times.

[safetyfirst]

DEFINATELY put Mr. M's clause in there!  You know she will claim that she simply 'misunderstood' the plan.  By all means, drag her in as soon as you can.  Follow the procedures in place right now (i.e.mediator) but stay on top of it and keep your lawyer fully informed.  She's working on her rope already! At this rate, it should be done really soon, as long as the court will recognize the gallows, the end should come swiftly. And journal, journal, journal! Stop talking to her and go to email (unless I misunderstood how you were communicating with her) and cc the mediator on every one. BCC might even be a better way to do that.  It could help with her rope spinning!

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[nowwhat]

FD, here are my thoughts...

1) If you end up in court, ask that vacations, beside advanced notice, aren't scheduled on your weekends.

2) I, as a rule, don't swap days.  This always ended up to be a huge hassle for me and not my ex (semi-normal), he was constantly calling to change things.  Once I told him that if he didn't want d on that date, fine, but no compensatory time, he changed his tune.  The constant calls for switching stopped.  We custodials know to arrange our lives around the time when we have/don't have kids...why can't the non-cusodials?

3) If she isn't primary custodial parent, expect her to hide it to maintain the aire of MOTY.  You need to broadcast it.  Everyone expects that she is...I see this at appointments we take ss to.  They all assume she has custody.  Even though his school principal knew last year that he was custodial, the teacher did not.  When we went in for a p/t conference we encountered a lot of attitude.  Apparently momster we in the room all the time and accusing us of keeping information from her.  The teacher bought it hook, line and sinker.

This year is different.  The school knows, teachers know, school conselor knows, school nurse knows...  She tried, unsucessfully, to change his primary address to hers, that's when we brought in a copy of the custodial aggreement.  We had it noted on every document that we filled out that we were primary.

[Mr. M]

Though it may not be in FD's case... prohibitions regarding scheduling any activities - ANY - on the other's custodial time is usually part of a basic custody order.  If not, then in keeping with nowwhat's suggestion - it should be added.

I don't have my CO out, but mine boilerplate for that reads something like, At no time is one parent to schedule any activities that would conflict or otherwise take place on the other parent's custody period without the express written agreement of that parent.

That means extracurricular activites, routine doctor/dentist appointments, vacations... ANY means ANY.

[sonnyboy]

I am in shock!  Problems with shared parenting?  You mean she's being unreasonable, irrational, dishonest, duplicitous, and mean?

Sonnyboy is crabby today.

I'd go over the High Conflict Parenting model, and see where you can modify your status quo.

[russtifarian]

You are starting on a long journey.  How painful to get off on such a bad start.

Yes, you will need to hold her accountable to the agreements, not matter what.

However, counter-balancing this is the benefits of picking your battles.  If you take a strict interpretation of the rules and make no exceptions, then you will have an unending stream of conflict, frustration, and anxiety/hyper-alertness.

Don't fight for every objective at the same time.  Pick one or two that are the most important now and in the near future and focus on them.

What will really help both of you is if you can actually make progress toward resolving conflict and making things work.  If you don't, she will take the attitude of "he's impossible" and "nothing I do is working", which leads her to "I should just do what I want".

She sounds like she's low functioning.  That's not going to change anytime soon, so you'll be doing good for both of you if simplify the rules and schedule as much as possible.

I'm luckier than you.  My BPD-ex is fairly high functioning and has a rigid sense of rules, so keeping to the letter of a schedule has not been a problem.  Also, we have been successful in trading days, and that has gotten easier over the years (now 10 yrs into co-parenting).

The most important thing to your kid, in the looooooooong run, won't be the details of the visitation schedule.  It will be whether his emotional environment (at both parent's houses) is safe and secure or not.  If your BPD-X can somehow get her life together, get therapy, and get other support, and also keep the conflict with you down to a minimum, then the emotional environment will be as good as it can be, under the circumstances.

Another suggestion -- instead of going back to court for each violation, etc. you might consider getting a social worker or special master assigned.  It might be faster, cheaper, and more effective than the court processes.   

Best wishes!

R.