Easter update

[Think About It....]

I've been holding back on posting most of our recent drama.  The last few phone calls son's ex has told GS that she and her parents are coming to see him and bring him an Easter basket full of toys and candy.  Son sent her an email today warning her not to mention it until it has been confirmed with the visitation facility and he has been notified.  Well, she mentioned the mediator by name and said that if it all works out she'd get to be with him all day Saturday.  Son took the phone, while apologising to his son that he needed to talk to mommy.  She was flipping out at him and talking over him.  She would not listen to him, just kept asking to speak to her son.  He told her if she wouldn't stop talking and listen to him that he would hang up.  He hung up.  His son asked why he couldn't talk to him mom.  Son explained that mommy had done something she wasn't supposed to do.  GS asked, 'She made a bad choice?'  Dad confirmed that to be true and GS accepted the explanation with no further complaints.  She called back and son tried again (outside so son couldn't hear) to explain why he terminated the call.  He said all three (she and both of her parents) were all talking at the same time and no one would listen to him.  They hung up on him!

He had placed a call to the evaluator earlier today (left a VM that he had some questions).  After the phone call fiasco he called and left another VM.  Evaluator called him back and son asked what was going on.  It seems she contacted the evaluator THREE WEEKS AGO to try to set this up.  He said he was very clear to her that she needed to contact son and give him 7 days notice.  She did not.  So he will not allow the visit to happen this weekend.  Son informed him of her legal shenanigans in the state she fled to.  So he is now aware of what she is doing.  He is going to call BOTH attorneys and inform them of what she is trying to do (claiming to have custody and get son to pay HER CS).

The scary part is he still thinks that if she comes to town and gives 7 days notice that she should be allowed to have GS for 10 hours with only pick up and drop supervised.  But...he hasn't spoken to the Daycare provider yet.  Hopefully, that will change his mind.

Thanks, I had to get that off my chest.  Gonna watch a movie now...Dave in Real Life.

[safetyfirst]

I've been holding back on posting most of our recent drama.  The last few phone calls son's ex has told GS that she and her parents are coming to see him and bring him an Easter basket full of toys and candy.  Son sent her an email today warning her not to mention it until it has been confirmed with the visitation facility and he has been notified.  Well, she mentioned the mediator by name and said that if it all works out she'd get to be with him all day Saturday.  Son took the phone, while apologising to his son that he needed to talk to mommy.  She was flipping out at him and talking over him.  She would not listen to him, just kept asking to speak to her son.  He told her if she wouldn't stop talking and listen to him that he would hang up.  He hung up.  His son asked why he couldn't talk to him mom.  Son explained that mommy had done something she wasn't supposed to do.  GS asked, 'She made a bad choice?'  Dad confirmed that to be true and GS accepted the explanation with no further complaints.  She called back and son tried again (outside so son couldn't hear) to explain why he terminated the call.  He said all three (she and both of her parents) were all talking at the same time and no one would listen to him.  They hung up on him!

He had placed a call to the evaluator earlier today (left a VM that he had some questions).  After the phone call fiasco he called and left another VM.  Evaluator called him back and son asked what was going on.  It seems she contacted the evaluator THREE WEEKS AGO to try to set this up.  He said he was very clear to her that she needed to contact son and give him 7 days notice.  She did not.  So he will not allow the visit to happen this weekend.  Son informed him of her legal shenanigans in the state she fled to.  So he is now aware of what she is doing.  He is going to call BOTH attorneys and inform them of what she is trying to do (claiming to have custody and get son to pay HER CS).

The scary part is he still thinks that if she comes to town and gives 7 days notice that she should be allowed to have GS for 10 hours with only pick up and drop supervised.  But...he hasn't spoken to the Daycare provider yet.  Hopefully, that will change his mind.

Thanks, I had to get that off my chest.  Gonna watch a movie now...Dave in Real Life.

[Her Mama]

And that is exactly why she should not have unsupervised visits with the child; Promises made to small children that cannot or will not be kept.  She is likely going to rely on the guilt your son would feel should your grandson say anything about not getting his gifts for Easter from his mother.  By continuing to mention the visit to your grandson, she's trying to do an end run around the evaluator and Dad.  She's hoping Dad will cave and let her have the visit.  Remember, rules are for everyone else, she's special. :

[safetyfirst]

Remember, rules are for everyone else, she's special And court orders, and schedules, etc.

If she's hoping Dad will cave she's even stupider (a real word?) than I thought.  Dad has so had it with her.  And yet he is very calm and somewhat apologetic when he has to explain disappointments to his son.  And it looks like, even at 4 1/2, he's catching on.  I grinned from ear to ear when he responded to his Dad, "Mommy made bad choices?".  It was especially heart warming to hear him say that because it is not something we commonly say to him.  It's only been used occasionally.  He will not suffer for lack of an Easter Basket.  He is honestly not really aware that Easter is this Sunday, or connected a 'gift basket' with that day.  He has an egg hunt at preschool on Fri and I think there are several community egg hunts around town.  They've been invited to attend a large church in our area and I think they will go. (side note:son has not attended on his own for several years.  Hubby & I made the decision several years ago to remove ourselves from the institutional church and fellowship in small home groups instead)  I've spoken to Hubby and suggested that it would be a good idea to go with them, to support them.  I'd love to see son get back into that particular social setting and GS would most definately benefit from Sunday School-spiritually, socially and emotionally.

The only ones who will 'truely suffer' from not having a visit this weekend is her and her family. >:D
The rules don't apply to them either.  They are the captain and co-pilot of the mother ship They can just stay up there in orbit and wait for a meteor shower!

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[funefarm4]

I laughed at the rules are for everyone else...because we have this on our side too...

Son needs to stand firm just like I do--I wasn't given the 7 day notice either.  So sorry about it all.

[sonnyboy]

It sounds like your son has a very good board of directors, so to speak.  It sounds like the evaluator is on to her (the bio borderline).    I am happy for you that this is the case.  The fog has cleared, and the borderline mom's shenanigans are exposed.  Hip, hip, hooray!

It's hard being the non, isn't it?  You feel like you are screaming and screaming and no one hears you.

Is it me, or is the stench of the female borderline worse than the male stench?

My husband's exwife is particularly odorous.

[safetyfirst]

I think the only reason the female BPD stinks more is because of the 'mother bias' that still prevails in many venues.

[LostAngel99]

I laughed at the rules are for everyone else...because we have this on our side too...

Us too!   This very mindset is how our BPDer lost custody.   She thought the CO didn't apply to her and she got caught.   

Safety, do you think son's ex will be bold enough to actually try and show up on the doorstep?   I know ours would be, she's done it before. 

[safetyfirst]

He has said that he wouldn't be surprised if they did (her parents are supposed to be part of this particular visit-according to her and them).  He has actually talked about maybe getting a security camera and hooking it up to tape it if they do.  He doesn't really have the time or $$ to do it for this weekend.  Instead, he is planning to be very busy with his son this weekend, just in case they 'blow into town', as he puts it.  They know where we live, so if they can't find him at home, they might be bold enough to come here, then again, I don't think they want to tangle with my hubby.  He can be intimidating if he needs to be.  The balls in that family belong to her mother so her dad would just sit back and watch the fireworks, if they happen.

[funefarm4]

Here's hoping to an uneventful Easter with no out of town visitors.

Good plan for your son to stay busy.

She is doing very well for someone with cancer, isn't she? :

[EbonyDIL]

Hi Safety,

Do you and your son have "No Trespassing" signs posted?  The way it was explained to me by a police officer was that if the signs are posted it is easier to get the police to come and make it a criminal action since the trespasser cannot claim they did not know they were not allowed to enter the property.

Ebony

[spent18]

How about a pit bull or rock wilder.  Also with a sign – beware of dogs!

[safetyfirst]

No signs.  He said if they show up, he'll crack the door open and tell them they have 30 seconds to leave or he'll call the police.  So, I believe, if he verbally, face to face, tells them to leave and they refuse, he is within his rights to call the police to remove them.

'No Trespassing' signs are for 'everyone else' but not them  8) , remember?

Son got an email from the evaluator last night stating that she had sent HIM (eval) her 7 day notice. He said it seems she wants to use him (eval)for communication to 'avoid conflict'.  Translation 'Even though you told me to give him (my son) 7 day notice, I don't want to follow that rule-because rules don't apply to me-so I'm claiming that I need to communicate thru you instead to 'avoid conflict' (that arises because I refuse to listen to him (my son)'

We now have to deal with the fact that both the evaluator and son's lawyer said when the eval/recommdation was submitted to the court in Jan that we were back to the exparte that was (100%) supervised only for her.  But now the evaluator is setting up a 10 hr block of time with only pick up and drop off suprevised! This was part of his interim visitation plan in the recommendation-not what the exparte order states.  So, we have relative peace for this weekend, but we are anticipating a whole new ball game in a week.  Stress levels are maxed as she is bringing her parents with her and we don't want GS to have ANY contact with them right now, but our hands are tied.  Especially if she gets this 10 hour block of unsupervised contact!

[funefarm4]

I'm so sorry to hear of all of this, and I'm angry at the evaluator.  It seems like they just don't get it--why not hold her accountable?  It is so irritating.

Why the sudden unsupervised?  It's so angering.

Keep us up to date...

[safetyfirst]

Apparently he doesn't see it as 'sudden' ?  the last time she had him (Jan 3) was unsupervised and that's what she was having in late nov and all of dec.  What we're trying to figure out is why he said one thing when he turned in the eval and now he seems to be cowtowing to her wishes.  Because he owes his lawyer and can't pay him, he is reluctant to talk to him (as he is charged in 20 minute increments) and increase his debt.  We'll keep trying to convince him that he needs to take a stand and have his lawyer back him up, or have his lawyer lay down the rules (even better) for him.  The last discussion with his lawyer seemed to indicate that he felt full supervision was also what should be happening right now.

[funefarm4]

I've seen this happen with a few evaluators that worked on our case as well.

Can you call the evaluator and ask these questions of him?  Why the change?  The order says...

[safetyfirst]

Son got a response email from him (eval) last night.  He hasn't made contact with son's attorney yet.  Eval will be out of town 26-30 and if she doesn't respond to his (eval) email requesting itinerary information, there will be no visit that weekend (as she believes there will be simply because she has given the eval 7 days notice). Supposedly her attorney is forwarding the eval contact information for her 'T' in the other state.  So, I just keep hoping that she continues to ignore the rules and boundaries that eval has put into place because he is holding firm to them.  However, we still need to deal with the discrpancy of 100% supervised and 10 hours of unsupervised with only pick up and drop off supervised.  Hopefully son's attorney will handle that before next weekend.

[LostAngel99]

oh boy...is it a possibility that your son's ex, and her mother, have been attempting to weasel this Eval. to their side?   Have to wonder how much contact she has been having with this guy. 

I wouldn't think the eval. has that much power...he cannot change a court order, he can only make recommendations.  Something doesn't wash here.  Wasn't the CO you currently have supposed to stay the same until Oct? 

At worst, at least with the pick up and drop off supervised, she would be real stupid to attempt any type of abduction. 

However, if she gets out of supervised visits this soon, and manages to behave herself just long enough to get the order officially changed, your son's case is taking a step backwards...you'll have to wait until she screws up again...which of course, she probably will.

 

[safetyfirst]

Evaluator has her #.  He has warned her that IF she tries to take him and run back to her state (crossing 2 state lines as there is a state between us) he will see to it that she never has contact with him again.  My only fear is that she has had almost 3 months to devise some kind of plan in that state and it is a 10 hour drive from here to where she has relocated.  So with a 10 hour block of visitation time she could be (almost) home before anyone here was aware she had left with him.  Even quicker if she flew. 

[LostAngel99]

I would not take comfort in thinking that Eval. has this ex's number.   He is attempting to violate a current CO in place and attempting to set up unsupervised visitation, even willing to put his own arse on the line.   This smells pretty foul...son's ex HAS to been working this guy to the best of her ability. 

The good thing, or bad thing depending on how you look at it, is, the eval. is right.  If she attempts to abduct the child on the 10 hour unsupervised visitation, she'll get caught.  It may cost your family some heartache, but you will get your GS back. 

Problem is, is not with an abduction, it is if she "behaves".  Abduction is actually the BEST thing son's ex can do for your case (our lawyer told us the same thing...abduction at this point would clinch sole custody for us)..it will clinch your son's case against her, as the eval. says, and chances are, your son's ex is too smart for that.    Good behavior on her part, will set her up for future unsupervised visits...and you don't want that, it is a backward step!  IMO, your son's goal should be to, at minimum, keep supervised visitation in place until trial.   It will make the current CO the "status quo"...courts don't like to sway from the current status quo...ANY extra visitation she gets on court record will be considered in the final CO. 

I suspect, which may be paranoia based on my own circumstances and not completely correct, is that this eval. is attempting to preserve the "status quo" in your case...which back in 2007, was a 50/50 set up.  His JOB is best protected if he proves that the "status quo"  is the best interests of the child. 

One thing I learned in paralegal school, that was reenforced in observing many,  many family law cases out there, is that Court Appointed Evaluators DO NOT work to serve the best interests of the child...they work for the FAMILY COURT, and DO NOT like to recommend something "out of the ordinary" unless they absolutely have to. 

Why?  Because they want to keep their jobs.  The best way to keep their jobs, and to continue to get paid, is to avoid "contraversy".

Is your son's ex a threat in possibly creating "contraversy"?  My guess, considering her as a BPDer, and with parents that have money...is YES.

By all means, tell your son to NOT RELEASE your gs to and unsupervised visit until he gets the advice of his atty...even if that means going into debt.   His son is more important than debt. 

IMO, you guys need the proper interpretation of your current CO, and whether or not this Eval. has the authority to change the judge's orders...and my educated guess is that this eval. does NOT have this authority. 

A current CO signed by a JUDICIAL OFFICER is what is legally binding.   The CO with the most recent date is the enforceable order.  Is this Eval. a judicial officer?  If not, he has NO power but to submit a recommendation, that the judge CAN, but is not bound to, consider. 

You told me in a recent thread that I started to not sway from our CO...and you were right.  Now, I am telling you the same...don't do it! 



 

Evaluator has her #.  He has warned her that IF she tries to take him and run back to her state (crossing 2 state lines as there is a state between us) he will see to it that she never has contact with him again.  My only fear is that she has had almost 3 months to devise some kind of plan in that state and it is a 10 hour drive from here to where she has relocated.  So with a 10 hour block of visitation time she could be (almost) home before anyone here was aware she had left with him.  Even quicker if she flew. 

[safetyfirst]

This guy is not specifically 'court appointed', but rather court approved.  He was originally suggeste by HER attorney.  Son's attorney was familiar with him and had used him for some of his other clients.  Son's attorney was confident he would work for GS's best interests.