When do the child issues really begin to show themselves ?

[Think About It...]

High functioning uBPD wife is convinced that she has been a great parent since we split up, a year ago, baby is 18mths nowold. She is terrified that i don't think she is capable of being a good mum and to be honest i know it will be difficult but with court actions going on custody and finance she is hanging onto the baby more than ever...he has learnt the NO word now and i know that she will struggle with it as he gets more independent. I am offering him as much unconditional love as possible when i have him but it is not as much as i would like. What else can i look out for, he does seem a little tense some of the time and i am sure that she shouts at him - is the key time from now til he's 3 years old and can i do anymore than i am trying to do ?

[Colin]

High functioning uBPD wife is convinced that she has been a great parent since we split up, a year ago, baby is 18mths nowold. She is terrified that i don't think she is capable of being a good mum and to be honest i know it will be difficult but with court actions going on custody and finance she is hanging onto the baby more than ever...he has learnt the NO word now and i know that she will struggle with it as he gets more independent. I am offering him as much unconditional love as possible when i have him but it is not as much as i would like. What else can i look out for, he does seem a little tense some of the time and i am sure that she shouts at him - is the key time from now til he's 3 years old and can i do anymore than i am trying to do ?

[alf]

Colin:  This sounds hard, but I am glad you have contact.  My reaction is that what is called for is normal, calm, reliable, and loving parenting.  Children pick up rapidly on their parents' moods and you being loving and normal is about the best thing I can think of.  Enjoy your time... and keep us posted.

[wornout]

He will not only learn how to say "No."  He also needs to hear "no" from you from time to time at this age and beyond.  Please don't get stuck in the "Disneyland Dad" trap--trying to keep him happy and calm all of the time because you are worried about the horrors that may be going on at mom's house.  You still have to maintain boundaries, rules, and expectations.  That is very healthy for a child, especially if he/ she has a chaotic environment with mom.

BPD mom will struggle with the child's independence and she will try to inhibit it, every step of the way.  I'm glad that you are pursuing custody.  Hopefully, you can get the kid before she really invades him.  As the kids get older, the BPD's just get more manipulative and conniving with the kids. 

...Ours likes to project all of her childhood issues onto stepson.  She openly encourages him to assume a victim stance in every situation, feeds upon all the details of his stories of regular childhood drama, and then blows them out of proportion.  Then, she convinces herself and stepson that she is going to rush in and save him from this terrible pain (that all of us have experienced while growing up).  It's really stunting his emotional growth, and, of course, he likes it.  What kid wouldn't? 

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[Colin]

Oh i'm going to fight for him and he wil always know that - thats all us nons can do really - do all we can and let the kids know that.
Fathers day was good for us, hope it was for all you guys in difficult situations too - God bless.

[wornout]

God bless you, too, for recognizing the issues and fighting for your child early on.