Father's Day

[Think About It....]

A sad day for S.O. today.  In previous weeks, BPDexw made plans to take ss12 back to their hometown, as she does every year when school ends.  Coincidentally, S.O. was traveling for business during that time, and since his folks live in the same small town, planned (with the beast's agreement) that he would see his son, along with his parents, for 2 days of that time.

This was last week, preceeding Father's Day, and S.O. would be celebrating the day 'back home' with his son and his own dad.  Lovely plan, right?

She randomly decided to NOT go back home (what a surprise) since she has a new boyfriend who I'm sure she fears letting out of her sights for a second.  So, no visit happened back home.  Grandparents disappointed, as well as S.O.

Today is Father's Day, and because S.O. had been planning the visit last week, he (and I) are away this weekend.  S.O. refused to changes these plans (good boundaries I think) and drive 2 hours roundtrip just to accomodate the beast.  In other words, he refuses to live at the end of her chain any longer, even if it means not seeing his son.  But it's hard, and he's in pain today.

Now, to the outside eye, this looks petty.  Father's Day and he's not with his son, when he could theoretically be with him.  I think S.O. has finally had enough, and wants to live his life as he chooses, not as SHE chooses.

I know there are many who would disagree with this.  But 'doing anything for the sake of the child' is no longer something that he's willing to do.  The collateral damage of that kind of living was taking it's toll on the rest of S.O.'s life and relationships.

Still, he's sad, he's distant today, and all in all...it pretty much sucks.  I hope others are having a better Father's Day despite the chaos of the situation.

[Love the man hate the BP]

A sad day for S.O. today.  In previous weeks, BPDexw made plans to take ss12 back to their hometown, as she does every year when school ends.  Coincidentally, S.O. was traveling for business during that time, and since his folks live in the same small town, planned (with the beast's agreement) that he would see his son, along with his parents, for 2 days of that time.

This was last week, preceeding Father's Day, and S.O. would be celebrating the day 'back home' with his son and his own dad.  Lovely plan, right?

She randomly decided to NOT go back home (what a surprise) since she has a new boyfriend who I'm sure she fears letting out of her sights for a second.  So, no visit happened back home.  Grandparents disappointed, as well as S.O.

Today is Father's Day, and because S.O. had been planning the visit last week, he (and I) are away this weekend.  S.O. refused to changes these plans (good boundaries I think) and drive 2 hours roundtrip just to accomodate the beast.  In other words, he refuses to live at the end of her chain any longer, even if it means not seeing his son.  But it's hard, and he's in pain today.

Now, to the outside eye, this looks petty.  Father's Day and he's not with his son, when he could theoretically be with him.  I think S.O. has finally had enough, and wants to live his life as he chooses, not as SHE chooses.

I know there are many who would disagree with this.  But 'doing anything for the sake of the child' is no longer something that he's willing to do.  The collateral damage of that kind of living was taking it's toll on the rest of S.O.'s life and relationships.

Still, he's sad, he's distant today, and all in all...it pretty much sucks.  I hope others are having a better Father's Day despite the chaos of the situation.

[spinning]

LTM,
We all know if BPDs can nonsensically change plans to wreak havoc on the lives of others, they will. I am sorry for the pain in your home that is surrounding Father's Day. I know how it spreads. We never have SD on any holidays, and have always celebrated other days. That does not make Father's Day any easier here--trust me when I say I hear you.

So, applause to your SO for putting an end to BPDX dictating his choices. Wow! Acknowledging that and acting on it despite the hurt he and his son will feel is really HUGE. Taking back the control of his own life must feel very, very good. Little compensation for not seeing his boy on Father's Day, but a big score in the scheme of things.

Hugs to you both.

[MtnGirl]

LTM - your SO courageously took the hit...AND SIMULTANEOUSLY TOOK AWAY ANY POWER HIS NUTJOB EX WAS FEELING ABOUT JACKING HIM AROUND.

I say make EVERY day that our kids ARE with us a 'holiday' to celebrate! All of us in these crazy situations MUST look outside the box of certain days being SOOOOO special that they cannot be celebrated at some other time!

If he shows no issue with the situation, the BPDex's vindictive ego-trip will be deflated! Your SO DID THE RIGHT THING!     to him and you and grandparents and kidling! 

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[Rose]

I'm glad that your SO didn't take the bait, and switch up your plans to appease her.  And you know, you might not of had the weekend with SS anyway -- and you would of changed your plans for nothing.

We also had a jerk-around holiday. 

The skids promised to make DH brunch this year.  exBPD decides to take SS18 out for brunch instead.  Fortunately, SS16 clued in to the entire dynamic, and came over to our house, and made brunch with me for DH.  SS18 showed up over 2 hours late, and tried to blame it on exBPD (who, by the way, also scheduled a graduation party for SS18 today -- go figure.)  My DH didn't accept the excuse, and it ended up with SS18 not feeling good about what happened, and leaving the house after 5 minutes.  Fine by us!  We enjoyed a nice brunch, and I had a good conversation with SS16 about the entire dynamic --- he gets the manipulations that exBPD uses, and it's sad that SS18 doesn't see it yet.

It's sad, because my DH is opting not to live in the BPD world anymore.  But, it doesn't make it hurt any less when the skids are subjected to exBPD to literally "chose."  Although your DH might be hurting today, I just pray that your SS will be able to see through the manipulations when the time is right.

[Gen]

I know there are many who would disagree with this. 

well, if there are, they are probably not dealing with BPDxes. Kudos to your SO for holding his ground and, as MtnGirl said, taking away the BPD's power.  if only it didn't hurt so much!

SS18 showed up over 2 hours late, and tried to blame it on exBPD (who, by the way, also scheduled a graduation party for SS18 today -- go figure.)  My DH didn't accept the excuse, and it ended up with SS18 not feeling good about what happened, and leaving the house after 5 minutes.  Fine by us!

Rose, this situation is SO familiar with my SS13.  what is it with these kids who can't stand feeling bad about their own actions, yet keep perpetuating those actions that make themselves feel bad?  I think this is a large part of SS13's refusal to contact DH - the guilt he would have to feel b/c he knows DH is right about SS13's crappy behavior.  I guess I should have taken some psychology classes in college, because I just don't get it.

[Love the man hate the BP]

I guess I should have taken some psychology classes in college, because I just don't get it.

LOL, Gen.  It doesn't matter how much you know, or understand or study this crap.  It doesn't make sense to the 'normal' human being.

It's now 4:30 and no call from ss12 to his dad.  He's carrying the phone around with him, and it's so sad.  He and I got into an argument, but I quickly realized he's on the edge and looking for an outlet.  It's not going to be me, so I took the high road and let it go.  It's so sad for him.

But you know what?  I want to wring this kid's neck right about now.  He's old enough to MAKE A DAMN PHONE CALL.  But, just like his mother, I'll bet anything he puts the blame elsewhere.

[Gen]

But you know what?  I want to wring this kid's neck right about now.  He's old enough to MAKE A DAMN PHONE CALL.  But, just like his mother, I'll bet anything he puts the blame elsewhere.

amen, sister!  that is EXACTLY how I feel lately, too.  I am flat out tired of kids who are well old enough to know better refusing to take responsibility for their own actions.  just b/c they learned to do it at momma's knee doesn't mean they aren't able to figure out that it's wrong.  ESPECIALLY when their other parent models appropriate behavior for them!

[Love the man hate the BP]

Postscript to the day:

S.O. didn't get a call from his son until 10:35 last night, after son had texted him in the afternoon and told him he'd call him by 10:30.

Friends, this is one angry, passive-aggressive kid.  He said he spent the day with his mother, the new boyfriend, and the new b/f's 12y/o son and "didn't have time" to call.

I have a feeling we're entering a whole new phase of living here.  Glad the day is over for S.O.

[Violet]

Sorry to hear that LTM, but I am also envious that he stood up to her even though it meant missing time with his son. The was the first year my non had his son on father's day (He still hasn't had him on his birthday yet either). The lawyers took care of this fight. And it was great to see my non detach himself from the argument and let someone else worry about it for a change. The xBPD was given three options, all of which she would not agree to, so he ended up with altered version of what he wanted. Her excuse for keeping the baby is that she wanted him to spend father's day with her (drunken hepatitis ridden) father. The man we suspect of being the reason she is the way she is. 

My non's lawyer's answer to this request was that her father isn't his f*@#ing client and therefore doesn't give a s#@* what about what he wants.  >:D Imagine she's got her lawyer advocating for her drunken father's rights!

Anyhoo, this resulted in my non getting his son for an extra sleepover on from Saturday till Sunday afternoon. But xBPD still refused to allow him to have his son for the whole day on father's day. Still a victory though.

[Love the man hate the BP]

he stood up to her even though it meant missing time with his son.

I completely agree, Violet.  The only thing is, too many of these 'standing up to her' episodes at the expense of losing time with his son are going to take their toll, and I worry about how that will affect his boundaries with her. 

I can tell you this:  at 11pm last night, he was not AT ALL certain that he'd done the right thing, mostly because he was hurting, and it didn't feel right at that point. 

Glad to hear your non got to spend some time with his son, if not the whole day.  Those negative advocates can be so empowering to their bad behavior.

[Violet]

LTM, it's tough stuff to sit there and watch someone you love go through this. It's like watching someone get into a car accident everyday and being helpless to do anything about it. I don't have any children so I can't imagine how it feels. It must be like having the bogey man come after your kids.

[salt]

LTM, as we have often said, it is a no win situation.  The best he can hope for is relative peace, and reassure himself that it is also best for SS in the long run.  I can't say enough about the importance of fathers showing their children how NOT to bow to the Queen. 

Hugs to you both.

[Matt]

LTM,

You know what my take on this is?  (As a separated dad - my kids were with me Sunday and my skids both called...)

My take on it is that I don't know if your SO did the right thing or not - he took some power away from his ex, which is good, but he felt bad all day, which is unfortunate.

But one thing I know is that he is lucky to have someone like you - supporting him through it and understanding what he went through - and that if you and he continue to support each other you'll have a good chance to make things work.

I hope he appreciates your support!

Best wishes,

Matt

[rps67]

LTM,

I understand where you're coming from. I'm sorry your SO's Father's Day wasn't what it should be.

We had a similar situation. His uBPDx just HAD to take the kids to her hometown for the baptism of her nephew (that lives in another state and the kids have never seen). She didn't tell SO about this until Tuesday and expected him ONCE AGAIN to make concessions to HER schedule. We didn't. She took the kids anyway.

There was no phone call from their kids to say Happy Father's Day. There won't be a card or present. I know this hurts SO as it has for the past handful of years when Father's Day has been completely ignored.

We still had a good day, though. Our young son got his Daddy all to himself and we visited SO's parents, which is always really nice. I feel bad for SO, but frankly, it was nice to have a drama-free day.



RPS

[srndpt0507]

My take on it is that I don't know if your SO did the right thing or not - he took some power away from his ex, which is good, but he felt bad all day, which is unfortunate.

LTM, I think Matt brings up a good point here.  While SO did an incredible job sticking to his guns, I hate that the price tag on that was a day full of heartache.  I hope that his confidence in his decision of how to handle it offers him some solace.  Hopefully, the sting has eased up a bit now that the day has passed. 
Forgive me if I've missed this in your update post but does SO get to speak to SS on a regular basis?  I know uBPDex has been generous w/ offering up extra time since she has a new victim I wasn't sure about the amount of communication that SO & SS have though.

[Love the man hate the BP]

But one thing I know is that he is lucky to have someone like you - supporting him through it and understanding what he went through - and that if you and he continue to support each other you'll have a good chance to make things work.

Many thanks to you, Matt, for saying that.  It's so nice to hear something like that from a non, as I'm sure my secondary non friends will agree.

I hope that his confidence in his decision of how to handle it offers him some solace.

It absolutely did and does offer him solace, srdnpt.  In fact, that is the very key to his progress and growth.  He will never have the relationship with his son that he wants or deserves while his son is still under the thumb of his sick, twisted mother.  But what S.O. CAN have is the strength of his conviction, his dignity and the personal knowledge that he lives his own life and makes his own decisions freely, and no longer lives as a hostage.  He misses his son during times like these, but he no longer misses himself, and that's alot.

And he does see his son every Thursday, with the alternating Thursday beginning a 5 day stretch to Monday.  Quite a bit of uninterrupted time.  I think that's partly why he feels some freedom and ability to hold the ground on the incessant jerking around that she attempts to do.