COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique

[Mrs Borderline]

Thank you, I have been working on S.E.T. when responding to my uBPDH, for a couple days now.  I am seeing a real change in how I communicate with H especially when I can sense a change in his tone that he is "somewhere else".
Last night we had a very uplifting conversation and I could hear him smiling...two hours later he called and was "distant" and sounded depressed.  So, I asked if something had happened since we last spoke b/c he sounded upset, and he had been in such a good mood; I feel like you are upset with me?  have I done something in the past two hours to upset you?

Turned out H is horny, (feeling rejected) I very calmly said I understand, I love and miss you, it has been 10 days since our weekend together, I thank you for a memorable 3 days/2nights, I hope and pray that we can have that weekend for our lifetime together...I continued to say, I am still an emotional wreck, trying to heal from the pain from Sunday, I am dealing with it, however, I am not a light switch, you can't turn me on by a flick of the switch.  and I concluded with how I miss him with specific detail...  

Wow, I acknowledged his feelings, he listened to every word I said without interupting   and he said thank you, I love you and I am going to bed now.    

[somuchlove]

Thank you for this thread.  I have read and re read it.  It seems so logical and really is a great way to talk to anyone.  I teach middle schoolers and even think it will work on them.      

What happens to me is when I get "those calls" from my dd my mind just seems to turn to mush.  What do I do?  I feel I need to script out everything then just fill in the blanks.  I talk to kids everyday.  Why do I get so stressed that I am going to say the wrong thing with my dd.  I know that I feel I have more to loose.

She has a way of just drawing me into it.  I am getting the message loud and clear that I can't change things for her but boy, in "mommy school" we must have learned that we are here to protect and make all things ok.

I would appreciate specifics on how to deal with this type of phone call, If S.E.T is what I do? 

DD calls, (underlying issues) upset because car has broken down, can't be fixed. I know she feels guilty with the help we are giving her, and now will have to help with car. We have communicated with bf because he is helping with this.  She has told us to not talk to him and stay out of that relationship which I understand) but she he has ask our advice on car. 
Call begins with I am a piece of SH _ _!  so sorry,  you have to deal with me.  When this is done you won't ever have to talk to me again.  I am no longer your dd.  I will also not be her the 2 days you fly out to get the boys.  (she has no where to go so not sure just thinking she is not realizing what she is saying).  This is the short version of what was said.

Do I text her back?  if so how, is texting a good way to use SET then I have time to think of my reply, is this a situation where I don't even respond?

[an0ught]

Hi somuchlove,

Thank you for this thread.  I have read and re read it.  It seems so logical and really is a great way to talk to anyone.  I teach middle schoolers and even think it will work on them.   

Well, it works on emotionally not so mature people so this seems to be a good target to practice. It actually also works on normal adults quite well.

Do I text her back?  if so how, is texting a good way to use SET then I have time to think of my reply, is this a situation where I don't even respond?

An important part of using SET is being clear what you want to communicate. So you would need to know what factual truth is to be shared, a truth that if she knew may help her coping better or making better decisions.

The way your dd sounds she is pretty dysregulated. So step #1 is getting her cooled down. This can be done with validation (and once you got traction there switch to SET) or you just don't respond which is considering her abuse a quite reasonable strategy.

[somuchlove]

thanks for your response.  Not sure I quite understand what you mean in your last statement about it being abuse and not responding.  I understand i shouldn't respond when she is abusive.  Just don't know what to say when she says things like not going to be my dd, etc.  just say nothing?  or something like,  I understand you are upset. ?  boy this stuff is tough sometimes

[an0ught]

Just don't know what to say when she says things like not going to be my dd, etc.  just say nothing?  or something like,  I understand you are upset. ?

This is abandonment. Validating abandonment is very hard. In this case it would be: "You are mad at myself, feel embarrassed to be my daughter and would like me to be on the dark side of the moon.".

[vivekananda]

I have read this board at least once before and just again revisited it. Thank you for the posters, thank you leaving it here. I find it helpful to re read the workshop information again (and again).

cheers,
Vivek

[Forgetmenot]

Seems so simple in theory.

Very hard to do. I always get caught off guard.

Sometimes her face is like a two sided sign...one side happy face, randomly flip it over and sad face with black cloud.

Changes on a whim.  Back and forth.

By the time I think of what to say, her mood changes again!

But when she got out of work the other day I think I did ok.

Picked her up from work...black cloud...she gets into the car.

d17- Ugh...work was awful and I hate my boss.  She yells at me for everything.  All I did was what the other girl told me and my boss yelled at me because she thinks I rolled my eyes (she does roll her eyes)

me:  wow...sounds like you had a hard time at work

d17: yeah...and it's only me that gets in trouble.  everyone else is friends with the boss and they even go to her house for parties. (Not that I would even like to go to a party at her house, so I don't really care) but she is so rude!

me:  so does that make you feel kinda singled out?

d17: no..because she yells at everyone (opposite of what she said earlier)

me:  well..sorry you had such a tough day, work can be like that sometimes

d17:  did you make dinner?  I haven't had a warm meal in a month (grumpily)

me: (secretly inside thinking I can't STAND it, she just never will join us for dinner)  no I didn't cook today but I grocery shopped and there is lots of good stuff to eat...even spagettios (joke)  she isn't fond of those.  She giggled a little.

d17: total topic change to something random she saw while driving.  escalation averted.

I'm not sure if I am doing it right but it sure is tiring.

[vivekananda]

sounds pretty darned good to me 

[Forgetmenot]

Thanks Viv,

It feels so awkward to me when I do that.  But she doesn't seem to notice. 

[Esperança_Hope]

 Hi!

This workshop is so helpful .  Please, dont take it away

I cope by reading as much as I can and understanding more about how s.e.t. grounds validation.

My DS31 is tough and i´m not  empowered to cope with him. So, i´ve been posting, receiving a lot of coaching and help. This site is a kind of college.  So, step by step i´m  going trough validation. What i found out  is that is too hard to validate when we  - DS and I - are with others. For ex: We are having dinner at a restaurant. He starts talk out loud, nobody can interrupt him, a start to be ashamed, i see him becoming much more anxious as time goes bye...people in the other tables starts looking..people at our table begin to disguise and not pay attention , not looking at him...and  when i try to say something he cuts my first word : Let me finish!  So embarrassing.
These moments a get stuck!

It's also very confusing especially because we are a big family, we have many meetings to go, we´re invited to meals , barbecues and he is invited too. And he loves to go and engross everybody attention. And what happens is the opposite. We talked about it but is stronger than his will.

He is in T. I´m, many members of the family are in t.

But we not know what to do when this happens.

Thanks for your attention. I wish that others will have more to say.

This behavior - one of them-  makes it very difficult to be supportive when this stuff happens.

Thanks

Esperança

[vivekananda]

Can you talk with him beforehand, when there is no-one else around, and ask him if he wants a 'timeout' signal, so if he gets a bit loud, you can say something, or do something that he can see and know he should say, 'excuse me, I do need to go to the toilet' or something, so he can escape. I had a cousin who used to put his table napkin on his head when he wanted to say that sometone at the table was exaggerating too much... that was a very obvious signal... maybe you could be more subtle...

But if he doesn't think there is a problem really, then let it go... you probably can't do anything.

good luck Esperanza,
vivek  xoxo

[Esperança_Hope]

 Vivek, he asked me to do it but when i do he doesn´t agree. I loved your cousin´s tip! Wow!
Thanks a lot.
 xoxo
Esperança

[UpwardAndOnward]

I just read this technique and think this is a great approach to deal with my BPD mother. One question...   in the example of how to use this it mentions not sleeping. Is this characteristic of a pwBPD? My mother often sleeps throughout the day at odd times and then is awake until odd hours of the morning...   which only adds to her instability and moodiness.

[vivekananda]

Hi UpwardandOnward,

I don't know where you saw the not sleeping thing - but nevermind.

dysfunctional sleeping patterns are common with people who have disordered thoughts. And I know from personal experience with depression that taking to bed is a safe way to avoid the world - I have spent a lot of time in bed, it's nice and safe there. So, your mum is no different to many.

cheers,
Vivek