Having second thoughts about leaving... What to do?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My udBPD-gf and I got into a fight a couple days ago regarding IMing with female coworkers. She thinks i cheated.  I didn't (thought i did enjoy talking to these other girls).  Anyway, she said that she needed me to leave and did not want to be with a cheater.  I unsuccessfully tried to reassure her that nothing ever happened.  I also told her that I too wanted to separate bc I was not happy in the relationship.  Somehow for her, the idea of me wanting to separate took precedence over the whole IMing ordeal and became the focus of the separation.  She tells me that she doesnt want to be abandoned, has a crying episode (which is understandable), tells me the next day that shes ok with me leaving etc - not sure if this is the truth or not or if shes just saying it to see how committed I really am.

However, now that we are in the midst of separating or what ever you want to call it (limbo maybe) i find myself second guessing myself in terms of whether I want to break up or not.  She just phoned me asking if I was sure this is what I wanted (ie breaking up).  I told her yes this is what I wanted..  Afterwards I wasnt sure if I really wanted to this.  In fact, right now im really sad.  Maybe im just scared of what else is out there, who ill end up with, will it be as good and as comfortable as what i have now?  Regardless, I'm not happy when im in the relationship because of how needy and dependent my gf is.  Im basically her personal assistant except I have to pay for everything.  Shes a student so i cant really expect her to help out financially.  But are these negative things just petty issues that can be worked out without having to separate?  But again its been 13yrs. But also I havent been the greatest at communicating this to her.  But should this take take take attitude require me telling her?  Shouldn't someone feel guilty if they are blatantly taking advantage of someone. We've been thru so much a lot of good and also a lot of bad (which to this day I can believe I went thru - abusive behavior on both a physical and verbal level).  The bad coupled with family complications (ie my family and her dont really interact that much which also prevents me from spending as much time with them as I'd like)  and also the fact that I have this ingrained fear of her that has developed over 13yrs.  I find myself living 2 lives because I dont want to either deal with how I think she'll react (which is sometimes false) or her real reaction.  More times than not, i avoid because of how i think she'll react.  Which brings me to the point of whether many of the problems we have are because of me and my inability to stand up for myself and what I want.  Will my issues just carry over to the next relationship?  (Sigh.. I dont know).. Sometimes I feel like a fresh start is what is needed because there is just too much damage that has occurred.  Other times, I ask if its that bad... But then again its 13yrs.. How much can things change after having learned each other and having certain expectations for so long?

Its also hard because.. I know shes a good girl deep down but she just has this dysfunctional way of dealing with her emotions which is a result of her upbringing.  Its not her fault but they do adversely affect her life and mine.

I really need help sorting this out.  Thanks everyone for your feedback.

[aggie99]

My udBPD-gf and I got into a fight a couple days ago regarding IMing with female coworkers. She thinks i cheated.  I didn't (thought i did enjoy talking to these other girls).  Anyway, she said that she needed me to leave and did not want to be with a cheater.  I unsuccessfully tried to reassure her that nothing ever happened.  I also told her that I too wanted to separate bc I was not happy in the relationship.  Somehow for her, the idea of me wanting to separate took precedence over the whole IMing ordeal and became the focus of the separation.  She tells me that she doesnt want to be abandoned, has a crying episode (which is understandable), tells me the next day that shes ok with me leaving etc - not sure if this is the truth or not or if shes just saying it to see how committed I really am.

However, now that we are in the midst of separating or what ever you want to call it (limbo maybe) i find myself second guessing myself in terms of whether I want to break up or not.  She just phoned me asking if I was sure this is what I wanted (ie breaking up).  I told her yes this is what I wanted..  Afterwards I wasnt sure if I really wanted to this.  In fact, right now im really sad.  Maybe im just scared of what else is out there, who ill end up with, will it be as good and as comfortable as what i have now?  Regardless, I'm not happy when im in the relationship because of how needy and dependent my gf is.  Im basically her personal assistant except I have to pay for everything.  Shes a student so i cant really expect her to help out financially.  But are these negative things just petty issues that can be worked out without having to separate?  But again its been 13yrs. But also I havent been the greatest at communicating this to her.  But should this take take take attitude require me telling her?  Shouldn't someone feel guilty if they are blatantly taking advantage of someone. We've been thru so much a lot of good and also a lot of bad (which to this day I can believe I went thru - abusive behavior on both a physical and verbal level).  The bad coupled with family complications (ie my family and her dont really interact that much which also prevents me from spending as much time with them as I'd like)  and also the fact that I have this ingrained fear of her that has developed over 13yrs.  I find myself living 2 lives because I dont want to either deal with how I think she'll react (which is sometimes false) or her real reaction.  More times than not, i avoid because of how i think she'll react.  Which brings me to the point of whether many of the problems we have are because of me and my inability to stand up for myself and what I want.  Will my issues just carry over to the next relationship?  (Sigh.. I dont know).. Sometimes I feel like a fresh start is what is needed because there is just too much damage that has occurred.  Other times, I ask if its that bad... But then again its 13yrs.. How much can things change after having learned each other and having certain expectations for so long?

Its also hard because.. I know shes a good girl deep down but she just has this dysfunctional way of dealing with her emotions which is a result of her upbringing.  Its not her fault but they do adversely affect her life and mine.

I really need help sorting this out.  Thanks everyone for your feedback.

[Long Distance]

AG ... YOU said you were waiting for an opportunity to GET OUT .. Here it is and NOW your fannying around ... I'm sure it was you who posted that she would not let you eat at a restaurant while she stuffed her mouth right ?because that was your punishment ... Give me a f###ing break ... That S__T is so WAY OUT of LINE ... When I read that I was gobsmacked ... Get the hell away from her and start talking to a few other sane individuals .. Either female or male ... Just ENJOY your one and only life ... Peace Long Distance

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[LivingWell]

Didn't you write that she asked you to go to the car to get a book.  There was no book.  You went back to the door and she had locked it and put a note on it.
"Luckily" you had things in your car because she had done this before.  The she call you the next day at work over and over and over.  Then she tells you she is going to come up to your work and embarass you! 

Now you ask if perhaps it is your fault that you haven't explained to her what bothers you.  Does the above need to be explained to someone as bad behavior?  If you had explained what you thought she was doing wrong, what would she do?  You would have been punished.

I know it is very hard to leave.  But it is also hard to stay.  She hasn't been ready to deal with her problems, so nothing is going to change.

No, you don't know what the next relationship will be.  We all worry about that.
But we can learn what in us attracts us to BPDs.  And we can learn what the red flags are.

Go Aggie! Go!


P.S. My greatgrandfather from Navasota was an Aggie, graduated around 1870.

[Chili]

Aggie,

We have all waivered at some point between our decision to leave and actually doing so. If we didn't, we really wouldn't need this place. No one decides, "This isn't for me." then walks immediately out the door without looking back, then shows up here needing support.

These people we love(d) are master manipulators. The older they are, the better they are at it. They know exactly what buttons to push to get us to respond. We are like Pavlov's dogs. The only way to really walk out and stay out is to take control of your life, realize you are worth more than how she treats you, and to go. We cannot make that decision. But don't be fooled, we will be here reminding you of why you came to FTF and the behaviors which made you reach out to us in the firt place.

We care about the members here. Many of us have left the FOG behind and Oz is just a bad memory. But each of us have walked in your shoes for at least a moment. You have to tap into that inner strength buried deep inside you.

Chili