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BOOK: Loving Somewone with Borderline Personality Disorder Shari Manning PhD, former CEO of Marsha Linehan's Behavioral Tech, LLC, helps overwhelmed loved ones understand why their spouse, adult child, or parent acts they way they do and she shows how to respond constructively. These simple strategies can radically transform any troubled relationship.
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Author Topic: COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques  (Read 49775 times)
qkslvrgirl
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« Reply #70 on: September 17, 2011, 11:57:24 AM »

 As Jhan just expressed, we are only human and we tire of carrying the burden of constant mental health caregiver. This is when we nons are both more likely to appear vulnerable to a BPD (and they move in for the kill) and, having been attacked (invalidated) ourselves, we dish it back.

I've noticed that "becoming aware of my thoughts" has proved to be a useful tool to become more immune to having my own buttons pressed. Here are a couple of examples:

1) When I am alone, do I think constantly in terms of "stories" about why this-or-that was said? Can I stop the mental chatter and just "be" - and release any negative thinking in relation to what has happened or was said?

2) Am I taking responsibility at all times for how I feel? Am I aware that my emotions are separate from the reality - they are a physical expression of the thoughts I am choosing to think?

Sometimes I have to remind myself that MY emotional reactions are under MY control - I choose to jump through the hoop - or not. The emotions I feel are the result of the mental story I make up to explain my situation. If I make up a different story line, then I can change the temporary surge of emotions that are only a flood of some biochemical that my thoughts have triggered within me.

I hope that by mastering my own thought processes, I can put down the burden that is not mine to carry - and demonstrate another possible set of behaviors to the BPD.
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serenity123


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« Reply #71 on: December 04, 2011, 09:25:48 AM »

I am currently "no validation" with my 30 yr old daughter because I don't know what the heck to say to her.  I can't pretend I'm not upset by the fact that she has been lying to me.  She continues to pull at my emotional strings and guilt barfy
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OneMore


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See? ha-ha! I can take it. ha-ha!


« Reply #72 on: December 04, 2011, 06:15:09 PM »

I could not validate our daughter when I was caught up in the drama PD traits PD traits .  My wife found it the same.  We had to take time to heal up before we could see clearly enough to know what to do.  Take time for yourself  Doing the right thing  and recognize that when each of you are hurting and feeling hurt you cannot listen well enough to validate.  It is ok to take care of yorself first. Doing the right thing
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serenity123


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« Reply #73 on: December 04, 2011, 07:54:08 PM »

That's exactly how I feel... I want to take care of me... I do need to heal.  I hate that she may be so lost, but I feel in my heart that perhaps "tough love" right now is all I can do.
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aur0ra
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« Reply #74 on: March 07, 2012, 04:08:52 PM »

Can someone give examples of "validating questions" (as opposed to validating answers)?

Thx...d
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lbjnltx
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« Reply #75 on: March 07, 2012, 04:34:49 PM »

From the book " I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better":

"what do you think might work?"
"are there other options?"
"what do you think caused the problem?"
"did that hurt your feeling?"


Some of mine:

"what could you do differently next time to have a different outcome?"
"what would you like to see happen?"
"how can you affect change now?"
"are you personalizing?"
"would you like to have self time, i think i need it?"
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Battle Weary
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« Reply #76 on: March 07, 2012, 06:06:36 PM »

Also like this one because it takes them out of themselves a bit:

"If you had a friend with this problem, what would you suggest to them?"
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lbjnltx
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« Reply #77 on: March 07, 2012, 08:43:21 PM »

i like that one too battleweary!  cheesy
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« Reply #78 on: March 08, 2012, 09:08:26 PM »

Good validating statements and ways to communicate.

thanks, LadyLinnet
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somuchlove
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« Reply #79 on: March 08, 2012, 10:05:13 PM »

Me too.  I wish I could think more clearly when i am talking to my dd.  I use to  have these written down.  I need to do it again.  Oh I wish was good at this.  Thanks for the help.
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