COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques

[Think About It...]

I think I'm begining to understand.  So, say that she's really mad about something she thinks I did: instead of saying I didn't do it - just say "I would be really mad too if someone did that"  

Am I getting the idea?  Unless she asks me specifically - I should just answer to her point of view - and not to what really happened.

Peace & Metta

[HeartOfaBuddha]

I think I'm begining to understand.  So, say that she's really mad about something she thinks I did: instead of saying I didn't do it - just say "I would be really mad too if someone did that"  

Am I getting the idea?  Unless she asks me specifically - I should just answer to her point of view - and not to what really happened.

Peace & Metta

[Steph]

Think of it this way...

Next time, HEAR what he is talking about. I get the sense he had some issues he was trying to tell you about, and when you countered them, you told him he was wrong.

It is SO important that someone with BPD feel heard. I suspect this will help..

TRY THIS:

You: I hear that you think I think you are ugly. Is that right?
Him: Yes, I do
You: Why do you feel that way? I think you are an attractive guy.
Him: Well, you dont hold my hand in public any more..

[walker]

Next time, try validation instead of arguing...HEAR what he is talking about. I get the sense he had some issues he was trying to tell you about, and when you countered them, you told him he was wrong. It is SO important that someone with BPD feel heard. I suspect this will help..

TRY THIS: I hear that you think I think you are ugly. Is that right?
 Yes, I do
You: Why do you feel that way? I think you are an attractive guy.
Him: Well, you dont hold my hand in public any more..

OK... not to really mess this discussion up. My wife sees right through validating statements (as you can tell... my BPDw has read a few of the books)... and is typically angered by them. Here is the response I typically get to the above type of validating statements

Her: "Nobody cares about me... everyone has left me."
Me: It must be very painful to feel that way... like nobody cares about you.
Her: "Stop it... you don't have to validate me... quite talking like a f'ing robot... what happened to my husband that cared about me?"

[Steph]

How about this?

Her: "Nobody cares about me... everyone has left me."
Me: I dont understand..what do you mean when you say that?

Thats a legit question...you havent left..what does she mean when she says everyone has left her?

You heard her, and you are interested in what shes talking about.

Steph

[Bon Dobbs]

Validation takes practice and truthful/honest reactions. It takes time to get used to it because it is counter-intuitive (at least it was for me). What I do is listen to what is said, listen to the emotion expressed and respond to the emotion expressed or to the emotion expressed in the situation. For example:

My wife: All the people at work hate me.
Me: Wow, it sucks to feel like people hate you. What makes you feel that way?
My Wife: They ignore me and don't talk to me?
Me: So, you're feeling ignored at work. I think anyone would be upset if they're feeling ignored...

I try and use a several step process which I call the I-AM-MAD communication skill:

1. Identify the emotions.

It’s best to do this with “feeling” words, like “look”, “see”, or “sound”, rather than “know” or “understand”.

Examples: “I see that you are frustrated.”
“You sound aggravated.”
 “You look really upset.”

2. Ask a validating question.

This encourages them to share their feelings about whatever triggered them.  Do not use “what’s wrong?”  If you use “what’s wrong?” they will hear “what’s wrong with YOU?”  Also, don’t assume you did anything wrong.  Remember, IAAHF (It’s All About His/Her Feelings).

Examples: “What happened?”  (most effective because it is open-ended, requires more than yes/no answer)
 “Did something go wrong at work [school] today?”
 “Want to talk about it?”

3. Make a validating statement about their emotion.  

Validate the feelings expressed in step 2.  This helps reinforce that it is natural and valid to feel what they are feeling in the situation.  Again, remember IAAHF.  Don’t defend against blaming or projecting.  And don’t apologize at this point, even if you are guilty.  (Apologies for things you are actually guilty of can come later… after they have returned to their emotional baseline.)

Examples: “Wow, it must have made you feel awful to have done poorly on that test.”
“Yes, it is frustrating when it seems that someone is taking advantage of you.”
“Yeah, that’s really disappointing.”

4. Make a normalizing statement about their emotion.

By relating the situation as common to all people or “normal” for them, this helps alleviate their stress about feeling judged or unaccepted.

Examples: “I think anyone would feel angry if they had to do that”
“I would feel the same way if that happened to me.”
“I can see why you feel that way.”

5. Analyze the consequences of their behavior.

By examining the consequences of both negative and positive behavior with the person, you help them to separate their emotional reaction from their behavior. The behavior may need to be changed, but the emotions are natural and should not be punished for.

Examples:  “When you don’t ask questions about something that confuses you, I don’t realize that you are struggling, so I can’t help you. When you do ask questions though, I can either give you the information you need to solve the problem yourself or we can work together to figure out the best solution to the problem.

“When you yell at me, I feel disrespected and become upset too.  However, when you speak calmly to me, I know you have respect for me, so I am able to listen to you better.”

“When you refuse to talk to me, I don’t know what else to do except give you space.  When something is bothering you, it’s best to be open and honest with me so I know what’s going on and don’t make the wrong assumptions about what you need."

6. Don’t solve the problem for them.

Solving one’s own problems helps to build self-confidence.  Empower the person by getting them to come up with a solution themselves.  When given the opportunity in a non-judgmental setting, most people will find that they can come up with solutions to their problems.  You can guide them through this process by asking helpful questions to ascertain what they need or want.

Examples:  “How would you like to handle this?”
“What would help you make a better choice next time?”
“Is there anything I can do to help?”

(Note:  Sometimes you have to go back and forth to help them find the most effective solution. They may say, “I don’t know” or “I don’t care.” This can be tough.  Go back to step one to deal with any additional emotions that become apparent.)

[united for now]

The steps bondobbs lays our are really good. I esp like #6, since it seems that many of us do too much rescuing for our BPD.

Print that stuff out and really think about how to implement them. Then, practice, practice, practice. It becomes easier the more you do them.

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[HeartOfaBuddha]

It Does Work.  I validate everything said to me and things are getting more peaceful around here.
Peace & Meta

[faigel]

ok, i am the mother of a bpd daughter, 31yo.

i dont like the feel of validating her. after she is so nasty, hateful, etc,

i really dont want to validate her at all.

i want to lock myself in my room or get her out of my house.

it might work but it seems like its just giving more power to someone who is already manipulating as much as she can.

faigel

[nonna12345]

ok, i am the mother of a bpd daughter, 31yo.
i dont like the feel of validating her. after she is so nasty, hateful, etc,

i really dont want to validate her at all.

i want to lock myself in my room or get her out of my house.

it might work but it seems like its just giving more power to someone who is already manipulating as much as she can.

faigel

I am the MIL of a ubpd DIL.  I understand every word you wrote.  Confusing illness BPD is.  

Validation sometimes feels like I am placating her so I can be around my son and the grandkids ... not very pleasant.  

But, I am learning about radical acceptance ... at least that will give me permission to not like the behavior of my DIL and reinforce that I cannot change one thing... just myself.

[Skip]

ok, i am the mother of a bpd daughter, 31yo... it might work but it seems like its just giving more power to someone who is already manipulating as much as she can.

I certainly get these feelings.  A cycle of conflict usually feels this way.  pwBPD are suffering and its hard to love someone that is suffering.

I think the hard question to ask ourselves is  which do we value more, peace in our family or our own sense of justice and secondarily do the relationship problems all fall to the other person or are we part in it or part of making it worse.

The first question is about personal values and I won't presume I can guide anyone on this.   For the second question, I thought a look at Bowen's "family systems" theory might be helpful.  I found it really humbling and it made me much more aware of myself in the family dynamics.



An individual’s overall life functioning is linked closely to his level of emotional maturity or differentiation. Emotional immaturity manifests in unrealistic needs and expectations. ~ Murray Bowen, M.D

Family members so profoundly affect each other's thoughts, feelings, and actions that it often seems as if people are living under the same "emotional skin." People solicit each other's attention, approval, and support and react to each other's needs, expectations, and distress. The connectedness and reactivity make the functioning of family members interdependent. A change in one person's functioning is predictably followed by reciprocal changes in the functioning of others.~ Murray Bowen, M.D

People select ... partners who have the same level of emotional maturity.  ~ Murray Bowen, M.D

The theory was developed by Murray Bowen, M.D. in the late 1940’s and early 1950’s, when he was a psychiatrist at the Menninger Clinic. After his time at Menninger’s, he moved to the National Institute of Mental Health, to Georgetown University Medical Center and finally established the Georgetown Family Center in Washington, D.C.

[united for now]

So the challenge is to develop validating skills, that we don't likely have as second nature, for when we are confronted with things like this:

Gettig back to examples... can someone chose a scenario and try to form a emotional validating response.

#1 - you don't love me

#2 - I saw you looking at her

#3 - You forgot to take the garbage out again. Why do I always have to do everything?

#4 - You make me so mad!

#5 - Why are you late?

#6 - I don't think I can go on anymore


Remember:
Don't defend
Don't deny
Don't justify

[Steph]

#1 - you don't love me
     Hmm...sucks you are feeling like that. Wanna talk more about that?

#2 - I saw you looking at her/him
          I did.

#3 - You forgot to take the garbage out again. Why do I always have to do everything?
       Ack, I did forget. Im sorry. Thanks for handling that for me! You saved my butt on that one

#4 - You make me so mad!
      Yea, I do make you mad sometimes. Need to blow off some steam? Want to take a walk with me?

#5 - Why are you late?
           Im sorry. I should have called.

#6 - I don't think I can go on anymore
        Hey, I am not sure what you mean. Need to talk awhile?

[ifsogirl26]

#1 - you don't love me
     Oh honey, why do you think that?

#2 - I saw you looking at her/him
          Yes, I did look over at him at dinner, what are you thinking?

#3 - You forgot to take the garbage out again. Why do I always have to do everything?
       Oops, I am sorry. I know that I forgot and I will try to remember next time.

#4 - You make me so mad!
       I do? What is it that you are upset about? Want to talk about it?

#5 - Why are you late?
         (question - why can't you answer why you are late?)
        Sorry baby, I will call next time.

#6 - I don't think I can go on anymore
       What do you mean?

[peacebaby]

Herewith, emotionally validating responses! Not necessarily what I'd say in my situation with my partner, but clear, solid, official plain emotional validation.

#1 - you don't love me
Wow, that must suck, to feel like I don't love you. You must be hurting.

#2 - I saw you looking at her
I get that it bothers you when you feel I'm noticing other women. Jealousy is a normal response.

#3 - You forgot to take the garbage out again. Why do I always have to do everything?
I hear you. I know how much it sucks to feel like you're always the one who has to do everything.

#4 - You make me so mad!
I totally get that you're mad. I'm hearing you, and I get that's where you're coming from.

#5 - Why are you late?
I don't blame you for being pissed off that I'm late.

#6 - I don't think I can go on anymore
Life is really hard sometimes--I totally hear what you're saying.


Peacebaby

[FireFighter]

Validating Responses...
#1- You don't love me
 - Wow, you must feel terrible to think that way...Hey, lets do something romantic tonight.  We'll order in and we can snuggle up in front of the fireplace.  Just you and me and no distractions.
#2 - I saw you looking at her.
 -  Aaaww, you seem a little jealous...You know I find you amazing.
#3- You forgot to take the garbage out again. Why do I always have to do everything?
 - You seem really busy.  What do you have left to do?  Maybe we can work on it together and then we both can relax.
#4 - You make me so mad!
 - Yeah, I can see that you are really angry.  Let's talk about it in a little while.
#5 - Why are you late?
 - I'm sorry for running late.  I can see that you are feeling a little upset with me.
#6 - I don't think I can go on anymore
 - Wow, you sound really down in the dumps.  What's wrong?  Something not go your way today?

Codependent Responses...
#1- You don't love me
 - That's not true.  I love you more than anything.  What can I do to prove my love to you?
#2 - I saw you looking at her.
 -  You know that I only have eyes for you.  No one is as pretty as you are.  I am so lucky that you are in my life.
#3- You forgot to take the garbage out again. Why do I always have to do everything?
 - I'm sorry I was just going to do it.  Is there anything else you need me to do?
#4 - You make me so mad!
 - I'm sorry.  What can I do to make it up to you.  Want me to put a DVD in and I can give you a foot massage to relax you?
#5 - Why are you late?
 - I'm sorry.  It won't happen again.  I was picking up a gift for you and it took longer than I thought.
#6 - I don't think I can go on anymore
 - No don't say that.  What would I do without you.  I can't live without you.


Invalidating Responses...
#1- You don't love me
 - Pfffth.  That's not true.  I am still married to you aren't I?  That must say something.
#2 - I saw you looking at her.
 -  No I wasn't.  I was just thinking about something and didn't notice her till you pointed her out.
#3- You forgot to take the garbage out again. Why do I always have to do everything?
 - What do you mean everything?  I worked all day.  Besides I took the garbage out yesterday.
#4 - You make me so mad!
 - How can I make you mad when I've been at work all day and just walked in the door?
#5 - Why are you late?
 - Bah, whaddaya mean late?  Five minutes is hardly late.
#6 - I don't think I can go on anymore
 - Go have a nap.  You will be fine when you wake up.

Deathwish Responses...
#1- You don't love me
 - You got that right.  You are lucky I haven't divorced you yet.
#2 - I saw you looking at her.
 -  Yeah did you see the cans on her.  How bout you get a job and buy yourself a boob job.
#3- You forgot to take the garbage out again. Why do I always have to do everything?
 - Who makes the money around here so you can buy your fancy clothes?  Bout time you did something around here.
#4 - You make me so mad!
 - On the rag again? Isn't that like for the 3rd time this month?
#5 - Why are you late?
 - I had to give a new secretary at work a ride home.  She showed me her new place and it took longer than I thought.
#6 - I don't think I can go on anymore
 - Since you are up can you grab me a beer?  The game just started.

[FireFighter]

Here is my attempt to translate the statements into the emotions behind the "facts"

BPD Translator...
#1 - You don't love me
 - I am feeling neglected and feel I am not getting enough attention from you.
#2 - I saw you looking at her.
 -  I am feeling insecure/fearful that you don't want to be with me any more but would rather be with that person across the room. Leaving me alone.
#3- You forgot to take the garbage out again. Why do I always have to do everything?
 - I am overwhelmed by my emotions with nothing in its proper place or anything done properly.  Everything is wrong and I can't handle it.
#4 - You make me so mad!
 - I am so angry and it must be your fault that I feel this way.
#5 - Why are you late?
 - I am feeling insecure that you were never going to come home and abandon me forever.  What would I do then?
#6 - I don't think I can go on anymore
 - I am so depressed and desperately need to change the way I feel.  Please change the way I feel about myself. I beg you.

When you validate properly...you are talking to the emotions behind the statements to soothe the emotions that manifest themselves in words.  Emotions are not right or wrong...they just are.

I suppose the difficulty comes in when the same words are sometimes used as an expression of emotions and sometimes used as an expression of logic. 

In dados case, sometimes his partner is talking in logic and becomes frsutrated when the response is addressing emotions rather than facts that he was looking for which then trigger an emotional response.  Complicated stuff do get right all the time. 

This brings to mind the adage: Less is more.

[momontherun]

Absolutely! I am trying to make it apart of me practicing it everywhere - It has made a very big difference and I know its helping dd15 & ds11 even ds4 is picking it up.

[vivekananda]

it was a paradigm shift for me to learn validation - now I know how those people I admire operated. They are so calm, gentle and caring...   so I have a lot of work to do 

luvsya,
viv 

[sunshineplease]

Just a note to say my husband and I just picked ud17 up from Second Nature/Blue Ridge wilderness program, and all the hard work we've ALL being doing these last 10 weeks paid off.

The Lundbergs's book on validation, I Don't Have to Make it Everything Better, referred to many times on this website, was my airplane reading. I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better

Worked like a CHARM! I could see my daughter open up and begin to trust me as I showed her I respected and accepted her feelings as valid and real. I stayed curious, asked questions, and spoke of my feelings and thoughts only when I felt we were simpatico/in connection. It was amazing! We had the best fireside/moonlight talk -- one of the best times of my life.

As we neared the RTC where we dropped her off yesterday, ud17 got more and more closed off and quiet. I validated like crazy, hugged her a ton, and let her have her feelings without trying to convince or fix her. Because we'd had such great connection the day before, she seemed to believe I was okay with her pain and didn't have to try to manage it. It was really hard, but I "stayed in my own space." At one point she was really back to old, unengaged behavior, sitting stoically and looking miserable. I simply said, "I really want to support you. Is there anything I can do?" She shook her head no, cried a little bit, but did seem -- as the Lundbergs and others' work promised she would -- to find a little strength in herself with which to move forward.

Gosh, it all felt SO good! I'm a soggy marshmallow of gratitude.

I do want to add that she was primed for this shift in me, because she'd been practicing identifying and (respectfully) conveying her feelings:

"I feel ______ because I believe ______. My snapshot [objective example] of this, or when I feel this is _______. Here's what I'm hoping for things inside my control____________. Here's what I'm hoping for things outside my control." For example, "I feel sad and scared because I believe it would be better for me to come home instead of go to an aftercare program. I felt this way when you said I would like my new school. My hope for myself is that I can speak respectfully to you about my worries. My hope for you is that you are able to listen patiently to what I say."

She was great at it, and we practiced reflecting back what she had to say. She'd correct us if we were wrong and remind us of things we'd forgotten. Then we gave our own feelings statements (and she reflected back). How much easier it was to discuss tough, emotionally charged issues!

[scallops]

oh what good news...   so happy for you...   it is good to hear the good stuff once in a while...   keep us posted...   so happy for you..