work interference

[Think About It...]

 Most of my problems at work are caused by my BPDw, indirectly by evil mind posession.(emotions, anxiety, worry, stress, etc.) One time before I transferred to current location, she caused a huge conflict between boss and I. I am a diesel tech. and boss sent me out on roadcall for mudflap on truck shut down by DOT in a thunderstorm with tornadoes. She called while was out and she cussed them out threatening to sue and own the place if anything happened to me. (can't you tell she loved me so much).

 Job I had before, she cussed boss out all the time. luckily we -were- friends. One day she was cussing about keeping me there all night. He told her she would get used to it. She told him I wouldn't be there long enough for her to get used to it. (needless to say I wasn't)

 It's peculiar to me now, how even when I was her "god" and, I guess because she made me feel this way, that I didn't recognize how destructive to me her behavior was.

[loveblind and bound]

 Most of my problems at work are caused by my BPDw, indirectly by evil mind posession.(emotions, anxiety, worry, stress, etc.) One time before I transferred to current location, she caused a huge conflict between boss and I. I am a diesel tech. and boss sent me out on roadcall for mudflap on truck shut down by DOT in a thunderstorm with tornadoes. She called while was out and she cussed them out threatening to sue and own the place if anything happened to me. (can't you tell she loved me so much).

 Job I had before, she cussed boss out all the time. luckily we -were- friends. One day she was cussing about keeping me there all night. He told her she would get used to it. She told him I wouldn't be there long enough for her to get used to it. (needless to say I wasn't)

 It's peculiar to me now, how even when I was her "god" and, I guess because she made me feel this way, that I didn't recognize how destructive to me her behavior was.

[TheCleverCowboy]

Before I started my own business and had to work as an employee somewhere, there was not an employer that I didn't get in trouble with for phone usage. Too many calls and too much time on the phone. They were all incoming from one person... you guessed it. She never realized that even though my work performance could be stellar, that this black spot on my reputation takes the forefront during performance reviews and put me under a cloud of suspicion whenever I was on the phone with a work-related client.

[John Z]

This is where their childishness really shines through.  Inability to see that _your ability to perform well at work actually benefits _them in the long run (by being able to hold onto and advance at your job).  (This plays out especially well when they selfishly overlook your need to wind down in the evening and get a good night's rest, etc... all the more galling when they are unemployed or underemployed themselves...)  Anxiety about you not "being there" for them during the day, hence the need for incessant phone calls to your office of an exceedingly minor nature. 

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries... that's all I can think of... draw 'em and stick to 'em, knowing that despite his/her protestations you're doing the right thing for you both.  (And for heaven's sake don't ever contemplate what I once thought of and thankfully never followed through on... I actually once considered working from home a day or two per week to help "care" for her... thinking it might allay some of her anxieties and help in her long-term healing... those times where I've worked from home for reasons beyond my control [e.g., illness, but a project has to be done] it's been brutal... he/she will milk it for all it's worth... moral of story:  an adult, i.e. your s.o., _has to learn to fend for themeslves...)

[stoic]

This past weekend - case in point :

She complains all the time that I "leave her alone" and we don't spend time together... we both had the weekend off, and we got to spend the weekend together, but we spent too much of the time fighting, and when we weren't fighting and she was okay, i was all keyed up waiting for the inevitiable time where i would do something that would "hurt her feelings" and it would start all over again...

and she has stated several times in the past few weeks that the reason she thinks we fight too much is that we spend too little time together, and that if i would spend more time with her then we wouldnt fight as much. but, what about this past weekend? we spent the time together and fought. once again, a no-win situation...   

(btw i really like this vomiting smiley... it conveys so much emotion i have within me that conventional smilies just could not do   )

[TheCleverCowboy]

stoic, I heard the "I am alone all the time" line so many times. "I go everywhere alone", and so on. Of course she is referring to when she goes off somewhere during my work day, but she doesn't let that trivial fact keep her from using that ammunition. Over the years I have made many concessions as far as my life goes, the scheduling of my work, never working weekends or evenings, no matter how pressing a deadline. Then I heard the line "____ goes to lunch with ____ all the time", referring to our married friends, so I started taking her to lunch once a week. But the grumbling never ceases. I should just plant that money tree in the backyard and I won't have to fool with this "work" stuff anymore, then I can be hers 24/7. 

[John Z]

Walrus... we may be married to the same person (or to close blood relatives)...

I've heard that "loneliness" spiel far too often to count.  She's in t right now but little seems like it's being accomplished on helping her get to the bottom of why she feels "lonely" on a _personal level.  Loneliness is never their responsibility is it; always your or someone else's fault... 

And I hear you loud and clear about the galling irony of feeling "lonely" when spouse is at work... I don't know about you but I'm often treated like my work must be fun time, like I'm out socializing or golfing all day... and by the time I drag my exhausted self home, 150% of my energy needs to be devoted to _her... 

I've tried to encourage her to find healthy outside activities (that heaven forbid involve other people) but it always falls on deaf ears.  Thankfully, I have my own outside activities to keep me sane, though of course all too often I never hear the end of gripes about _that...    (yes, stoic, this is my favorite icon too !)

I used to work much further away from home than I do now; travel costs were through the roof but the psychological distance was a blessing (as little as I appreciated that at the time)... my BP of course always wants to do lunch whenever she's within a mile of where I work, and at times I think it's OK, but it really should be the exception to the _rule of maintaining at least some semblance of a healthy personal space around you as you're slogging away at your (likely miserable) job...  I've drawn the line after many years of capitulating to such demands; she hates it, but it keeps my BP (blood pressure - no pun intended !) down at least until I have to go home... 

[Auspicious]

I don't know about you but I'm often treated like my work must be fun time, like I'm out socializing or golfing all day...

Oh yes ... do I ever get that! Now granted, I'm not working in a coal mine, but still ...

She's supposedly jealous of the social interaction I get at work - while simultaneously being so anxious about social interactions that she won't go anywhere or do anything (unless it something like shopping or eating out).

[TheCleverCowboy]

I don't know about you but I'm often treated like my work must be fun time, like I'm out socializing or golfing all day...

Ditto here as well. At least, when I used to work outside of the home. I didn't know about BP back then, but I knew that if I told her I was going out for lunch, the questions, oh the questions, that would follow. Who with? Where? What did you eat? That's sound nice.. I had to eat SLOP out of the HOG TROUGH. Arghhh!

Needless to say, I made the mistake of telling her that a female co-worker went with us. I only made that mistake once.

[John Z]

I know I should be working now myself... but it's close enough to lunchtime anyway... 

The whole thing about needing to know where you are, what you're doing, etc... that's such a completely abusive attitude towards your genuine need for (even occasional) personal time and space.  I do get torn from time to time re: how much I should tell since, you're right, anything that remotely smacks of me independently enjoying myself or having but one female co-worker in a party of many is received like a "zinger" at her end.

So... do you "tell all", fully in the knowledge that adults _should be able to "handle" non-threatening information like that... or do you keep it under wraps and enjoy yourself in a private "space" that BP can't invade or infiltrate to begin with... some might say either extreme (especially "tell all") is appropriate all the time but I think at times you have to balance it out one way or the other.  To "tell all" might in the long run help BP's growth but in the short run it can make your life utterly miserable...  Yet another one of the constant, confounding challenges we're so lucky to have to face... 

[TheCleverCowboy]

So... do you "tell all", fully in the knowledge that adults _should be able to "handle" non-threatening information like that... or do you keep it under wraps and enjoy yourself in a private "space" that BP can't invade or infiltrate to begin with... some might say either extreme (especially "tell all") is appropriate all the time but I think at times you have to balance it out one way or the other.  To "tell all" might in the long run help BP's growth but in the short run it can make your life utterly miserable... 

No, I live a double life. I have my own world where I can be myself. Then I live in Oz the rest of the time. Sometimes I feel guilty for not telling all to her, and then I smack myself for thinking about such rubbish. It's not like I am cheating on her or anything. I am at the point in my life where I cherish peace.

One poster had said he feels like a spy in his own home. That's it precisely.

[stoic]

I don't know about you but I'm often treated like my work must be fun time, like I'm out socializing or golfing all day...

YES... (although I do not golf   ) ... I get the same exact thing. Yes, I know she is on her feet all night at work, and rushing around getting things done... an RN in a busy hospital is just that... busy. But my work is difficult and stressful in its own way... but, of course, a BPD SO able to take someone else's perspective and acknowledege that there are no absolutes, just a bunch of gray is... well, paradoxical. If she could do that it really wouldnt be BPD now would it?

I live a double life. I have my own world where I can be myself.

Same here walrus... when I am away from her I feel like a totally different person. No, I AM a totally different person. I laugh freely, joke around freely, I get things done at my own pace without feeling "forced" or "obligated" to oblige her. I log on here, write some posts. I talk to some friends here and there. If I am not too exhausted, I try to go to the gym (but God forbid I want to go when she is at home... I would be "choosing the gym over her").

It takes its toll though... I sometimes feel guilty too, but like you walrus I cherish peace as well. I guess I shouldnt feel guilty - I am doing what I need to do to be mentally healthy in an unhealthy situation. I would love to be the self-sacrificing person that would bend over backwards to make her happy, but I have found that isnt EVER going to make her happy, so now I have to resort to self-preservation.

[At_Bay]

I think they fear the comparison, and if your time with others is limted, not only are they the center of your world, but there is no chance you'll notice most others don't have a problem with this issue. That's why certain activities are safe like shopping and eating out. Insulated from outside influences like friends and family who may be sharing their experiences with you.

Unsettling to think your plans could have been sabotaged, and when I realized I'd cancelled some social activities over the years because I didn't feel like going and I realized the reason was that I'd been made to feel bad whenever I considered going--well, it was awful to think of things I'd missed out on and the degree of manipulation. I recall even asking him why I'd want to go ANYWHERE with him when we were invited to a swim party. Bingo. I may have already said this, but I fell for it again when my 45th high school reunion came around last year. He lied and said he planned on having back surgery that month. I didn't make reservations. In July, he resumed going to the gym.

Be very careful about how you look at the little things that come up here and there.
It is hard to admit the sinister motives behind some of these events, even when they are staring you in the face. A lot of it is no accident, isn't very nice and has a  negative affect on the quality of life. You could be missing a lot.

AB

[loveblind and bound]

 My GOD! I never thought about it being a BPD trait. I have heard the words 3-7 days a week since 1 year of marriage. "I am stuck here with the kids 24/7. At least you get a break from them every day." "and even when we go on vacation, I still have my work with me." God! I hate this argument so much I now just say," yes I know. I hear you. That would drive me crazy too." I would be glad for her to go to work and I could stay home and sit in recliner and watch TV until the kids got home from school and yell at them to do their homework and then get off my a** an hour before time for her to get home and start cooking and cleaning.

[John Z]

Most BPDs I know of actually have a hard time wresting themselves from the house and engaging in healthy outside activities that might actually take some strain off of you (by having something other than YOU as their constant focus).  I suspect her complaint about being "stuck" is a smokescreen for the likelihood that she actually _wants to be "stuck" and stay cooped up and thus have one more convenient excuse not to get the f*&$ of her duff and do something productive with herself. 

Consider yourself very lucky that she does any cooking/cleaning at all; I _rarely get that anymore from my own stay-at-home (completely by her choice) uBPDw...

[Auspicious]

I suspect her complaint about being "stuck" is a smokescreen for the likelihood that she actually _wants to be "stuck" and stay cooped up

I think you're dead on with this, though I don't think it's conscious.

and thus have one more convenient excuse not to get the f*&$ of her duff and do something productive with herself. 

I don't know if it's that, or just a desire to have a smaller and more controllable playing field. She thinks she knows all about me and how to manipulate me; even if the outcome isn't optimal for either of us it's probably less "scary" than having to try to control things in a variety of venues.

[John Z]

I suspect her complaint about being "stuck" is a smokescreen for the likelihood that she actually _wants to be "stuck" and stay cooped up

I think you're dead on with this, though I don't think it's conscious.

You're probably right; projection/deflection seems to stem more from primal fear than from a desire to consciously turn the tables and manipulate.

and thus have one more convenient excuse not to get the f*&$ of her duff and do something productive with herself. 

I don't know if it's that, or just a desire to have a smaller and more controllable playing field. She thinks she knows all about me and how to manipulate me; even if the outcome isn't optimal for either of us it's probably less "scary" than having to try to control things in a variety of venues.

I guess I'm more focused on the fact of her being so seemingly agorophobic, rather than the cause; the fact of it is frustrating/difficult enough to deal with as it is.  But I think you're right that a lot of it does come down to control... how to maintain the delusion that they're in completely control of their circumstances.  My BP even once admitted to me that she vastly prefers entertaining people in the home (if we associate w/ anyone at all!) vs going to someone else's "turf".  The potential lack of control indeed scares them out of their wits, so the "real world" must appear to them to be quite the scary place w/ all its sights, sounds, and multifarious random people all milling around w/ full control of _their own actions/lives (vs. being under the BP's thumb...)

[loveblind and bound]

 You are mostly right about her not wanting to get out and work. She didn't have much desire to work before about 6 months ago. She didn't express much desire to go out with friends and most of her friends were painted black very soon after meeting them. Then she turned all of the darkness around on me and projected me to be a total a**. I never "let" her work and go out with friends and get away from the house/ get a break. I had always been up her a** for seven years and smothered her. I tried to control everything she did. This is why people began to shun me and give me evil looks. I didn't realize all she was telling them or leading them to believe.

[John Z]

Then she turned all of the darkness around on me and projected me to be a total a**. I never "let" her work and go out with friends and get away from the house/ get a break.

Yes... their ever-mature way of taking full responsibility for their choices/actions... so much easier to insist that someone "makes" or "forces" them into a difficult situation w/o acknowledging that the power is their own - and only their own - to improve that situation.