Shocking suggestion from T

[Think About It...]

Thought I'd give y'all an update.  It's been a week since Kendyl called Jackal on her cell phone.  The wretched woman has not bothered to return her call.  Maybe after all of this anxiety I have nothing to worry about.  Still I don't like that she has Kendyl's cell now.  She can call at any moment and upset her.  But, so far she's ignored her. 

I have not heard from K's T at all.  It's strange because she's very good about emailing us back quickly.  I'm wondering if I've upset her, or if she wants us to work it out without her.

Kendyl and I are doing well together.  We went out on a mommy/daughter date last night.  Dinner and a movie.  It was great.  We have been talking easily and things are calm and loving.  It still seems like there is an elephant in the room regarding her former mother having her cell number, but until we talk to the T about it and because Jackal is silent we'll let it ride for a while.  We'd hate to change her number unless we have to. 

I'm a bit relieved, but still anxious about all of this.  I really think K is strong enough to handle a re-engagement or a rage.  The possibilities are scary, but maybe K is ready to face them. 

We'll see. 

Sending my gratitude to you,
Madre
                   

[Over The Drama]

Thought I'd give y'all an update.  It's been a week since Kendyl called Jackal on her cell phone.  The wretched woman has not bothered to return her call.  Maybe after all of this anxiety I have nothing to worry about.  Still I don't like that she has Kendyl's cell now.  She can call at any moment and upset her.  But, so far she's ignored her. 

I have not heard from K's T at all.  It's strange because she's very good about emailing us back quickly.  I'm wondering if I've upset her, or if she wants us to work it out without her.

Kendyl and I are doing well together.  We went out on a mommy/daughter date last night.  Dinner and a movie.  It was great.  We have been talking easily and things are calm and loving.  It still seems like there is an elephant in the room regarding her former mother having her cell number, but until we talk to the T about it and because Jackal is silent we'll let it ride for a while.  We'd hate to change her number unless we have to. 

I'm a bit relieved, but still anxious about all of this.  I really think K is strong enough to handle a re-engagement or a rage.  The possibilities are scary, but maybe K is ready to face them. 

We'll see. 

Sending my gratitude to you,
Madre
                   

[Rose]

This is a hard stage, and one that we're in right now with our SS16.  I completely empathize with the "not wanting to pick up the pieces" (again) sentiment -- we've been there too many times to count, and it's not fun.  It sounds like you all have learned a lot with this, and have a plan for moving forward.  One day at a time.     

[funefarm4]

I have been taking a break to re-collect myself after our drama.

Just read it all.

M, I am sorry.  It is hard...I believe Kendyl will have to find her own way through this all.  With your help and guidance, she will make it.  This means that she's going to continue to get burned before she "figures" it all out.

I think it's awesome that Kendyl is actually struggling with the "cell phone" thing.  It would have been easier for her to go behind your back and just give her the cell phone number.  You would never have even known.

For that reason, I wouldn't clamp down too hard...as difficult as it is, you NEED to know what is going on with the drama between her and biomom.

I could write pages on this subject because a dear friend of mine also adopted children and bio mom interferred--even though they(her DH and her) had been her foster children. In other words, bio mom and her and her DH were not related at all. I can connect you 2 if you want...let me know by PM.  I am sure she will have wisdom to share with you.

M--I have come to this conclusion with my own children.  I can not save them from their father. The system will encourage them to have a "relationship" with him...and its sad, but true. I can not make them(the professionals) "get it"--they didn't get it during the divorce and they won't get it now.  I am centering on my children now.  I can give them the tools they need to deal with him. I can make them strong so that one day, they can turn away without any regrets or guilt.  But the decision has to be their's. I can not do this for them...and you can't do this for Kendyl either sadly.

Until that day comes, I can love them as I always have.  I can abuse proof them as much as possible.  I can not make their father go away.  Even after they become adults and I no longer call the shots and they are out of my home, they will still have to deal with him. I need to equip them on how to do it.  I see this with my step mother and my step brother and her psycho ex.  My step bro is now almost 40 and is taking the steps to get his dad out of his life even though his parents divorced 20 plus years ago.  My step sis-in-law has been incredibly helpful through it all.

I think you are doing an awesome job.  I know how hard it is to watch your precious child open herself up to abuse again and again.  One day, K will get it.  There will be a lot of ups and downs until then, but you will make it.

Hugs to you.

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[Over The Drama]

Thanks Rose and Fune     

Last night our T finally emailed (she was on vacation, that explains her silence).  She wants to see the three of us together.  K is not happy about it, and just doesn't want to talk about it anymore.  But, we need to do this.

After T's email I thought of my fears and realized that most are irrational. 

Irrational fears:
That K will want to leave us and want to move back in with Jackal
That K will conspire to drive somewhere to meet up with Jackal
That K will start hating us and become alienated again
It will harm my mommy/daughter bond with K
That K will share Jackal's feelings that the adoption is "just a piece of paper."

Rational fears:
That K will suffer more guilt, then engage in self-harm again
That K will not have the courage to stand in her truth and act like nothing is wrong during conversations (speak dishonestly)
That Jackal will learn private things about my family that she has no business to know
That Jackal will be a sounding board when K has issues with us
That life will be like it used to be with us... and not Jackal-free anymore.

[Skip]

Wow - that was a great idea to do the list.

That life will be like it used to be with us... and not Jackal-free anymore.

The last part is true, no doubt, but is the first?  She is your adopted daughter now and you can live without the threat of her being taken away and used as a pawn.

Just a thought.

Skippy

PS: Thats good news about the T

[Matt]

Will you share the list with your daughter, your husband and the therapist?  Might be a good focus next time you all meet.

[Rose]

That life will be like it used to be with us... and not Jackal-free anymore.

This was, and will continue to be, my fear helping to raise skids of a exBPD.  The key to this, for us, is understanding that as your daughter gets older, her coping mechanisms will also grow.  With strong boundaries on your side, that means that your daughter has a role model to look up to. The downside: there is no guarantee with any of this, and that's a hard pill to swallow.

When my SS's would start to try and shift blame to exBPD, we had to gently pull them back into accountability.  When the kids are younger, it's hard to do that -- when they get older, you have the ability to squarely hold accountable your daughter in this mix.  If she gets upset by Jackal, she has the option not to talk with her.  In a simple way, it gets easier, as you don't have to deal with Jackal at all -- just helping your daughter cope with things that are difficult in her life.  And, if you perhaps look at it this way, you take the microscope off the Jackal, and just focus on your daughter.  For me, that was the key to letting go my fears in the situation, and just focus on the reality.   And, the way I see it, I'll be helping my kids the rest of their lives handle situations in their life -- and, I think you'll be there too.    

[funefarm4]

I think that your "irrational" list is pretty rational M.

To some extent, my BFF dealt with those "irrational" things as her children worked through the "loyalty" they felt to biomom...and realized that it was misplaced.  Her son also struggled with cutting as well.

We actually attended an "independence day" celebration for them one year.  BFF had organized it to remind the kiddos that they were free.  It was symbolic, but the reality was that it was a bumpy journey for them towards freedom, just as it has been for you.

Fear of the unknown is very rational. Basically this is what you are stating.  With Jackal in the picture, it is all unknown. And that is scary.

It is ok to fear the unknown, but no matter what, K is your daughter now.  Together, all of you will work this through, no matter what. 

 

[Coolmomof4]

Who are the "three" of you?  Certainly not Jackal?

[Over The Drama]

Insert Quote
Who are the "three" of you?  Certainly not Jackal?

Hubby, Kendyl and me.  No Jackal!  Noooooooooo!   :-X

Yep, Fune, with a BPD parent (or ex-parent) I suspect it will always be bumpy.  Especially when they have your cell phone number.
I look forward to the session with T.  Kendyl doesn't because she wants the freedom to decide if Jackal can have her cell number.  She knows we don't want the woman to have it, but she wants the power to decide that.  So far we've allowed that (easy when Jackal is being silent.)

I'll let you all know how it goes.  In the meantime K and I are doing great together.  I love that girl!     

[MtnGirl]

In the meantime K and I are doing great together.  I love that girl!

That, my dearest, is the most important thing of all. LOVE.     

Just keep on openly communicating with K, and it will all go down exactly as it is supposed to...whatever way that might be. EVERYTHING happens for a reason, and we just have to ride out each wave without falling off the board and breaking something. Even if we fall off, we want to be able to get back on and make it to the shore.   

[Matt]

At her age, you are rapidly losing "control" but you may be gaining "influence".  That's hard - I know from experience - but it's also a little liberating, because you can now concentrate on the positive stuff - developing your relationship with your daughter, based on communication and doing stuff together - and let go of the negative stuff - rules, punishments, etc.  Not all at once maybe, but K is right at the age where rules are enforceable only to the extent that she recognizes your authority, which means they are really not enforceable at all.  She will cooperate with you to the extent that she values you.

What I'm beating around the bush about is - whatever you do regarding the cell phone - you didn't get to be her all-the-time mom during the earlier phases, when you would have had complete control.  Now you are past that, like it or not, so you need to accept that, set what rules you think wise, but mostly guide and influence her more than control her.  As I say - from experience - it's a hard thing to accept and make work, but when you do things will go easier and easier.

Best wishes,

Matt

[happygirl]

Madre, I think that was a really great thing to do with the list.  In fact, I am going to remember that strategy next time we are dealing with an BPD-anxiety issue.

As secondary nons, we are so busy predicting and prognosticating, I think that sometimes we need to dial it back a notch.  Because we have been so terribly impacted and our loved ones so continually hurt, I know that I have a tendecy to get all mother bear on some things.  On other things, like the recent situations, I go into complete denial about.  Weird.

I think that a key thing here is that you get to model for Kendyl how to problem solve and that is a wonderful thing.

HG