"evil stepmom"

[Think About It....]

I always knew SD15 would eventually focus her anger at me and lash out at me. I am the easiest target, not to mention I am also the favored target of UBPD momster. Also DH is less than articulate about feelings wheras I am straight-on. I figure name it and it's all less scary, to me at least. UBPD rages about us, we have overheard a tiny bit. I am sure SD gets the hardline about us, but me especially. DH used to be her target when she thought she could make me her ally, but I have been for the past several years. So when it happens, I should be ready. Right? But instead I take it more personally than I wish I did. It hurts.

I *know* teens lash out in general. It's normal separation, expected. We are aware SD feels imprisoned by court order details that dictates her life. It does. UBPD classically befriends SD to be the "good mom" when really she is passive and clueless and more interested in how she looks and winning SD than any real parenting. We parent, for example grounding SD because she is failing every academic subject.

Anyway, any suggestions how to dodge teh hurt since I can't dodge the bullet?

[spinning]

I always knew SD15 would eventually focus her anger at me and lash out at me. I am the easiest target, not to mention I am also the favored target of UBPD momster. Also DH is less than articulate about feelings wheras I am straight-on. I figure name it and it's all less scary, to me at least. UBPD rages about us, we have overheard a tiny bit. I am sure SD gets the hardline about us, but me especially. DH used to be her target when she thought she could make me her ally, but I have been for the past several years. So when it happens, I should be ready. Right? But instead I take it more personally than I wish I did. It hurts.

I *know* teens lash out in general. It's normal separation, expected. We are aware SD feels imprisoned by court order details that dictates her life. It does. UBPD classically befriends SD to be the "good mom" when really she is passive and clueless and more interested in how she looks and winning SD than any real parenting. We parent, for example grounding SD because she is failing every academic subject.

Anyway, any suggestions how to dodge teh hurt since I can't dodge the bullet?

[Stepmom04]

I feel your pain, spinning.  I went through similar things with ss12, and may again someday.  Hang in there because there may be light at the end of the tunnel.  My ss12's counselor helped us through these though times and explained to me that I was the stable female in his life, therefore he was comfortable "lashing out" at me.  He knew I wouldn't leave, whereas he was walking on eggshells (to borrow the phrase from Randy) with his mom.  He had to please her at all times because he never knew how she would react.  It sounds kinda weird, and didn't excuse the behavior but at least he has stopped.  I just continued to love him and be a consistent presence in his life and it has worked out.  It took us about 2 years of relationship building, much of which has been chronicled on this board, but now we have a great relationship.  He is a delightful child.  I realize adolescence will bring new challenges but at least I have hope.

Sm04   

[nowwhat]

Spinning,

I don't know if this will help because my ss is younger than your sd, but this is what I told him:

I am not your mother, I am your step mother.  I am not here to replace your mother.  Also, I am not here to make you happy and you are not here to make me happy.  Only you can make yourself happy.  This is a hard lesson to learn, most people don't get it until they are much older.  

Your father and I believe that we are in a partnership to raise both you and dd (my d from previous marriage).  Our goals for you kids are that you grow up to be a responsible, independent, and self supporting.  What do I tell dd when she is mad at me (when I punish her or don't let her have her way)?  I say "Good, be mad, it means I am doing a good job".  Why should I treat you any different than I do dd?

If you want to be mad and misreable, that is your choice.  I am not going to change the way I do things just to make you temporarily happy.  I am looking out for your long term happiness in life.  I am not going away so it is up to you if want your time here to be pleasant or misreable.

Anyhow, that was the gist.  It seemed to be a pivitol moment for ss and I.  We also talked about his manipulating his parents.  He never said anything about the conversation to his Dad, but that night when he went to his momsters for the weekend he gave me the biggest hug ever.  

Up until that point I was very concerned that he will grow up to hate me.  I certainly don't worry that my dd will hate me when I do the right thing for her, why should I worry that ss will?  I can't control it one way or the other.  In the end it is thier choice...it is not like we beat the kids or verbally abuse them.  I have no guilt in how we are raising them.

I hope you find this helpful.    
 

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[belleliseuse]

Hi spinning,
I think it would be very hard not to take it personally! 
It may not help much in the moment when she is lashing out at you, but I think SM04 is right, your SD knows that you won't stop loving her if she lashes out, whereas her mom is unreliable. It's so unfair, isn't it, that the loving, stable parent gets the anger that should rightly be directed at the unstable parent. Hang in there!

[laurena82]

Anyway, any suggestions how to dodge teh hurt since I can't dodge the bullet?

I had to detach from being loving/caring about their best interests as if they were my own kids/involved "step parent" to being, eh, dad's SO who saw them when they visited...period.

It's not an optimal choice, IMO, but what I finally learned I had to do.

Yes, when push comes to shove, ...they will always "side" with BPDmom *against* you (because BPDmom frames it all into "sides" and forces the kids to take "sides"... )

Life is easier for me now, ...that's the upside...

(not a recommendation for you...just sharing my experience...sigh...)

hugs 

[spinning]

                                                                                                                     

I had to detach from being loving/caring about their best interests as if they were my own kids/involved "step parent" to being, eh, dad's SO who saw them when they visited...period

   

SD knows that you won't stop loving her if she lashes out

     

In the end it is thier choice...

I just continued to love him and be a consistent presence in his life and it has worked out.

Thanks, friends. Each of you make valid suggestions that all come into play. I know I need to detatch, and have tried some especially lately. I have asked DH to speak with SD more often. I have left them to themselves more often.

My concerns and worries, my love as someone who is helping raise this child, have not diminished and cause me pain as well. I wonder if leaving all tohether is my only option. It is not an option I want to pursue but have wondered if it is my only avenue for self preservation. But preserving what if I am alone and not with the family I love?

I think SD is a sinking teen in many ways. I think who she resents herself as to us is completely made up at this point. She is secretive and lies. Common for a teen, but I also believe our culture and technological advances foster this. She is dark and her ringback tone is about killing oneself and dying.

And of course, same song as so many here: Her UBPD momster just wants to look like MOTY without parenting in any manner. She is the cool mom who tells SD she can spend the weekend with her boyfriend and do whatever they want---but if DH finds out he will tell court she is bad mother and take SD away.

DH keeps his head in the sand and when he looks, it's too frightening to deal with. Also he feels very helpless. We have tried to reshift our focuis to what we can do in our home. Theoretically an excellent move. Practically, I think it is avoidance.   

Other parenst do nothing. School is afraid of UBPD and barely even responds to DH...

So, it's hard to be optimistic and I wonder what our future holds...

Thanks for the hugs...
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

[Over The Drama]

Spinning,
I'm so sorry you are being targeted right now.  You have been so consistent and loving towards your SD.  She'll need that if she chooses to change her attitude.

And of course, same song as so many here: Her UBPD momster just wants to look like MOTY without parenting in any manner. She is the cool mom who tells SD she can spend the weekend with her boyfriend and do whatever they want---but if DH finds out he will tell court she is bad mother and take SD away.

Jackal did the SAME thing.  It was so frustrating.  Luckily we found out about it and insisted on supervised visitation because of this.  The courts don't agree with this 'parenting' at all.  But it'll be hard to prove without your SD's cooperation.  Jackal chose to never visit, as she wouldn't 'be treated like a criminal' and cut out of D's life entirely.  Anyway, sometimes they shoot themselves in the foot with their 'cool parent' act.  I hope that happens with you guys too.

As for the pain you're feeling, I'm so sorry.  You will keep loving her and supporting her.  She'll need you as an example if she wants to change.  It gets better when/if the child decides to think for themselves.  I hope your SD decides that for herself and her future. 

We have always been rigid with our rules.  D needs that.  She needs the 'bumpers' up, or she veers into the gutter fairly quickly.  Ugh!  She can be impulsive and feel guilty for leaving her momster.  Sometimes her behavior is downright dangerous!  I think it's normal behavior for teens, but especially teens with such a unhealthy parent.  My D still struggles and acts just like momster sometimes.  For example, when cornered her knee-jerk reaction is to lie.  It's frustrating, but they have to re-learn how to be 'normal' plus deal with typical teen stuff.  Most of the time, though... with our bumpers (strict rules) are in place she's happy and healthy.  She's amazing.

Is your SD in therapy?  Are you?  Maybe family therapy can help?

Advice to not hurt so much?  therapy, a team effort with hubby and talking about your feelings with her.  Also, keep those bumpers in place and a smile on your face.      
 

[MtnGirl]

I don't know if this will help because my ss is younger than your sd, but this is what I told him:

I am not your mother, I am your step mother.  I am not here to replace your mother.  Also, I am not here to make you happy and you are not here to make me happy.  Only you can make yourself happy.  This is a hard lesson to learn, most people don't get it until they are much older. 

Your father and I believe that we are in a partnership to raise both you and dd (my d from previous marriage).  Our goals for you kids are that you grow up to be a responsible, independent, and self supporting.  What do I tell dd when she is mad at me (when I punish her or don't let her have her way)?  I say "Good, be mad, it means I am doing a good job".  Why should I treat you any different than I do dd?

If you want to be mad and misreable, that is your choice.  I am not going to change the way I do things just to make you temporarily happy.  I am looking out for your long term happiness in life.  I am not going away so it is up to you if want your time here to be pleasant or misreable.

Just as Nowwhat did above, I too have had the same basic discussion with my SS12 and SD10 a couple of times. I am one to stick to the rules, and SS12 has said to me (and not in a positive manner) NUMEROUS times over the past 3 years, "Things are different with Dad since he's been with you." Well, he can say that all he wants, because DH was materialistically spoiling them rotten AND was forking out EXTRA money left and right to Vulture before DH and I married, PLUS DH was being a less-than-attentive father until I became privy to the ins-and-outs of his relationship with his kids and taught him how to spend QUALITY time with them instead of only dragging them down to the pool and/or spending money on them buying them new toys (and clothes!) every weekend at Target to keep them occupied for all of a few hours (which is why they hurried to go home every weekend, WITH the stuff he bought, and they never came back with it so he would just buy more!). He had checked out and was pretty much just doing maintenance. His EOW visitations, which were supposed to go from Fri 6p-Sun 6p were more like SD10 being with him from Fri 6p-Sat 6p and SS12 staying until Sun MORNING. He was also mowing Vulture's lawn and taking care of her yard EVERY week (which she used as an opportunity to try to get him to get back together with her, no doubt telling the kids that such an act MUST mean he wanted to get the family back together, and was snooping in his cell phones, and heaven knows what else).

So, of course, because the kids now have a more stable relationship with their dad, who has become more mellow and doesn't yell or get agitated with or in front of them as often as he used to (a learned and automatic action after 13 years of dealing with their psycho mother - a 'flea' that I still have to verbally backhand him about every once in awhile!) - I HAVE BEEN MADE OUT TO BE THE 'BAD' GUY by Vulture. I can tell by their words and behaviors with me that the skids fight with that in their minds all the time. Vulture no doubt tells them that I am the ONLY reason their 'family' is not back together...yet, the skids KNOW in their hearts (and DH has no issue with reminding them) that he and their mother CANNOT be or live together, that he was a totally different (less patient, erratic, frustrated, angry) person when they all lived in the same household, and that they had to listen to MUCH more yelling and fighting when Vulture and DH were together.

I have also taken the route Laurena has taken. I have backed off. I am their bonus mom, period. They have been told and told that they are more than welcome to call me at ANY time, just to talk, or to get help on homework if they are confused and their mom doesn't have time or doesn't understand and they can't get hold of their dad, or if something ever happens with their mom and they are just plain scared. I have made it clear that I am there for them if they need me. I have, however, backed off in relation to being their caretaker and entertainment committee when they are with us. I am forcing DH to be the caretaker and to build a relationship with his kids. I will discipline them just as I would discipline my S14 in a similar situation if DH is not around or is not catching what is going on. If time permits I will point out the situation to DH and throw in my suggestion based on what I would do if S14 was involved.

Other than that, I am letting DH be the "bad cop" as much as possible. The skids, however, KNOW that I am the bigger hard*ss in our household. DH think in pretty much the same manner in relation to discipline, but I am more likely to stick to my guns, and ALL our kids know it.

I understand how you are feeling, Spinning. Stick to your guns. Be the stable parent, even if it doesn't make you very popular with your SD15 right now. I know I'm not too popular with my own S14 most days. I constantly get the eye-rolling and the huffing and puffing and the downright arguments from him. I also get the same from SS12, who lives with his nutjob 'mother'...and I have a feeling it is going to get MUCH worse with him if he chooses to let HER issues and HER actions/behavior affect him. DH and I regularly remind both skids when they bring up stuff that she is doing that frustrates them or makes them sad, that VULTURE creates HER own problems, and that those problems are NOT their problems. We have tried to help them understand that if she talks to them about things that make them uncomfortable, they have the right to ask her to stop, but if they are scared to do so or know that she will not listen, then they MUST learn to let her words "go in one ear and out the other", to not hold onto HER issues.

Your SD15 has the additional problem of all the 'dark' stuff and the bad grades -- I truly worry about this with my skids, moreso SS12 as he can be VERY lazy about school (unless DH gets on him, which he does on a daily basis!) and is a child who OFTEN plays the "victim" - doing his best to manipulate whatever situation he is in into something that gives him a reason to pout and be "sad" and try to make everyone who is around him feel sorry for him...WITHOUT TRUE REASON. It is infuriating and I refuse to stand for it. I'll call him on it flat out, or will tell EVERYONE to ignore him when he starts up. I'm guessing that is the trick he uses on Vulture to get his way with her. SD10 uses crying and whining. I always shut her down - DH is getting better, but sometimes falls for it, which is when I have to play bad cop. Let her get mad at me - I truly don't care about what she thinks of my decisions right now.

You know why I don't 'care'? Because I am thinking of who they are going to become in the FUTURE if they are not called out on their manipulative actions NOW, EVERY time they do it in our presence. All you can do is think about the role you might be able to play in relation to their FUTURE -- AND YOUR DH NEEDS TO GET ON BOARD. HE is the one you have to work on, because HE is the one who really needs to be dealing with SD15. If his CO states he has equal parental rights and responsibilities, then HE needs to storm into that school with the appropriate CO page in hand, and (politely) DEMAND a meeting with the principal, the vice-principal, the guidance counselor, and all of her teachers to get to the bottom of what is going on.

Easier said than done - as, after 2 years of us and the school dealing with Vulture's BS while DH tried to be involved first hand with the skids and elementary school, my DH REFUSES to go up to the middle school where SS12 started this year, is staying out of the elementary school where SD10 still goes, and has met NONE of the kids' teachers this year. I had to say, "Whatever...they are either going to sink or swim, and they are either going to continue to choose to live with Vulture and live their lives HER way, they are going to continue to live with her and learn to be THEMSELVES in spite of her daily issues, or they are going to get sick of her and ask if they can live with us (and be willing to deal with living with rules instead of running the show...)."

Sorry for the ramble. I hope it helps you put your thoughts in order. 

[Oy-vey!]

MtnGirl said:

"Things are different with Dad since he's been with you."

I used that statement from M's kids toward me as an opportunity to say "and aren't you glad?"

It confused them the first few times until they figured out I was serious.  Then they went through the cognitive dissonance phase when what their mother was saying to them did not fit the facts as they experienced with their dad/me.  It was a difficult time (all the time was difficult with those 2 kids) but I like to think that I helped shine a little light on the darkness that was their momster in their lives.

[spinning]

Wow, such important sharing and words, so much to take in. I am lucky to have such a validating and supportive place and really appreciate it all. I feel hugged and understood. Thank you for that alone.

So much here as well...

We cannot control UBPD. We know that. But she teaches SD that lying and not following the CO is standard. Violations are small independently but add up. Lawyer has said judge doesn't want to hear it, so never really pursued. UBPD holds us to the letter of the law while picking and choosing what she will follow (none). This weekend she was out of state and left 15YO alone bopping around with friends. We live in the same town. But UBPD has taught SD that she does not want to come here when not usual schedule...What kid would choose real parenting and rules over freedom?

I think we need to address this with SD, DH does not. He is so good at avoiding conflict and so afraid of alienating his DD. I just don't get it the same way he does.

To go away, UBPD gave SD back her cell (taken for failing all four academic subjects). We will take it when she is here. She is still failing.

MtnGirl: DH has resigned himself to not being involved with school after fiasco earlier this school year. He has the same rights as any parent (info, meetings) but UBPD has legal I guess. UBPD can allow SD to quit (like she did, pregnant at 15 I think) if she wants and DH has no say.

I understand and agree some with DH's choice. We have fought the good fight with the school system (and day cares) over the years, since kindergarten. Unfortunately the system learned nothing and we had the same battles year after year, each time UBPD found a new audience. DH is weary and tired.

Madre: SD is not in counseling. Numerous fiascos created by UBPD to prevent this. SD had one during middle school and when she refused another, she said momster is the one who really used last counselor. Also, counselor told UBPD what SD said so SD has no trust for professionals. I wish like anything she was in therapy!

DH and I started  anew therapist in last few months. We'll see.

I do try to make DH "bad cop" as much as possible, as MtnGirl said. It's hard when DH rebels and teaches SD poor skills (ie--ignore anything upsetting). I want to focus on teaching SD TOOLS to help her in life and with her families.

Our values (nothing extreme IMP, just basic honesty, be a good human, love and give back) constantly bump up against SD and UBPD's values. It makes for stress most of teh time!

More thoughts soon, I'm sure...Go out and VOTE!