rewriting memories

[Think About It...]

I've heard of this happening, but never saw it happen first hand.

We were lying in bed, just talking and sharing, all good stuff, when he begins to tell a story about my stepbrother, and how he smashed his car into a cart return when they were driving together. He had all kinds of facts and feelings and opinions on this - except they weren't his memories - they were mine ! He took an event that I had told him about, that was meant to just highlight what an idiot my stepbrother is, and he made it his own. He put himself in that car, he felt what I felt. It was very very strange.


I left it alone. I didn't correct him. I didn't invalidate him. I was in too much shock to do more than listen with my mouth hanging open (lovely sight).

They really don't have a solid grasp on this memory stuff  :

[united for now]

I've heard of this happening, but never saw it happen first hand.

We were lying in bed, just talking and sharing, all good stuff, when he begins to tell a story about my stepbrother, and how he smashed his car into a cart return when they were driving together. He had all kinds of facts and feelings and opinions on this - except they weren't his memories - they were mine ! He took an event that I had told him about, that was meant to just highlight what an idiot my stepbrother is, and he made it his own. He put himself in that car, he felt what I felt. It was very very strange.


I left it alone. I didn't correct him. I didn't invalidate him. I was in too much shock to do more than listen with my mouth hanging open (lovely sight).

They really don't have a solid grasp on this memory stuff  :

[RefugeeFromOz]

I was with my uBPDxw for almost 23 years.  Her reality distortions - her rewriting of memories - was constant and bewildering.  We all go through those insignificant conversational episodes where one person speaks, a listener corrects them, the speaker says "that's what I said", the listener says "no you didn't", and so on.  So unfortunately we all have real-world experience that tells us that sometimes our memories and perceptions are just wrong.  So enter a BPD into our lives.  Now we're being told constantly that our perceptions are wrong, our memories are wrong, and if you're self-aware person, you can spend a lot of time believing it, because none of us are perfect.  But with me, as time went by, some of the reality distortions became glaringly obvious, but it was still a case of my memories vs. hers.  It wasn't until my kids got older and I noticed them reacting to her with the same disbelief that I always had.  Now I knew that three people were aware of her distortions.  Sometimes she would rewrite incidents that were 10 or more years in the past.  Sometimes the time span was only days, or hours.  But most shocking was to watch her do it in real time, where she would deny or change statements she made just seconds before, or deny events that had just occurred minutes before.  Obviously, it was impossible to ever discuss or solve any problem because you could never agree on a basis of reality.

This behavior was totally baffling to me, and I struggled with it for years and years, because I didn't learn of BPD until two years after we divorced.  Once learned of BPD, I realized that I had witnessed literally thousands of reality distortions.

[Wanda]

IT is good you didn't invalidate or correct how it went this happens to me every once in a while my BPDh will turn a story around, complety differnt from how it actually happened, and i will tell him how it really went, and boy do i pay for it  because he beleives it really went the way he is telling it, when i know it didnt'.  and it always causes problems so i just listen and later maybe will say something, but most the time i will just let it go unless i have to then i better have proof.. but it is a weird thing to happen...

[wendygirl]

this whole memory distortion thing is WEIRD, my bpbf actually will distort in the sence that he doesn't remember things. He'll look at pictures and it's almost disbelief b/c he doesn't remember that time period, he could be in the pic. and almost deny it b/c he doesn't remember it. I stopped trying to explain things to him, sometimes he would get angry and tell me i'm crazy, it jusi isn't worth it. The more I read on these boards the more freaked out i'm getting, and I don't really get freaked out, like ever ! It's like being in the twilight zone, being with a BP  ?  ?  ? !

WG

[harmony1]

All I will say is WOW..I can't tell you how many times I have been thru this..my words and thoughts change to his original thought and words

one thing that stands out regards how he had rejected his brother inthe past for being gay (and I mean he felt strong)

when he heard my views..well they are now his (from birth it seems  )

just thought he was gaslighting me at the time..now I see that AGAIN  I aint alone

[pk]

My BPD and I recently went thru this and I was not sure if I believed him at first until his T told us that what he was saying could be true (in his reality).
My BPDh was having a brief online emotional affair of sorts and says he has no recollection of it to the point of denying it and swearing it didn't happen.  He remembered none of it until I started reading the emails I had copied that had been sent between them.  He then remembered some of it vaguely but more like a movie that he watched and only remembers pieces parts of.  He even said it felt like he was being condemned for something he did not do and wasn't even there for.  I was sure this was just a strange cop-out but T said it was his way of handling a situation that was emotionally painful for him and he probably learned to do this in childhood. 

[Steph]

Yea, this happens alot.

Even now, my H has memory confusions and issues with when, who, how..He knows I did something with him, and I didnt, it was his ex, etc..Fortunately, he is now aware of this as part of what he just deals with and can ask for clarification around it. It used to be cause for a fight before DBT..

As we see here, its a common issue which really, to me, speaks to BPD being truly a brain disorder.

Steph

[macman]

My wife does that on some stuff.  Unfortunately it makes it hard to know when she is telling the truth.  Most of the time I let is pass, but if it deals specifically with me, and especially in an argument, it can be very hard to handle.

[harmony1]

I think what drove me the most nuts about this topic was years ago when we tried marriage counseling..he would do this in front of the therapist (my ideas) the T would agree and of course I would be fuming and cam off loookin nuts

very bad form of gaslighting, I think deep down they know the truth sometimes (not all but sometimes)

[Charles6722]

Ditto! UFN only she like's to tell these kind of stories to other people, usually about doing something productive, only it was me OR my idea, IF I try to correct her, I look like a jerk for stealing her thunder, I deal with this crap at work and now with my uBPDw, isn't it wonderful! :


Charles-

[macman]

Bingo.  I stormed out of MC a few months ago and have not been back since.  She turned things around so bad that I looked like an idiot and blew my stack.

[Auspicious]

Yes, it's really startling because it suddenly drives home that they really are no kidding mentally ill 

I know that I personally keep "forgetting" this - I morph into feeling that I am just dealing with somebody being frustrating.  Then these things happen, and I get that cold shock again that my loved one actually doesn't have the grip on reality that she should.

[Steph]

 Aus,
   Absolutely! i hear ya! Sends a chill up your spine doesnt it?

Some people with BPD truly become psychotic for a short time. My H used to switch personalities. He would be a little kid, looked different, sounded different..quiet, sweet, same name, but a whole new little kid person..The little kid was terrified of me and other people and my H actually could connect with him. He also had a teenage kid in there who was mean and very scary, cold eyes, aggressive stance, seriously mean..I saw him once, and he was vicious to me. Different person again. These episodes always came out when he was profoundly flooded with emotion. Its happened, thankfully, with his DBT therapist, and the last year or so, they have integrated. When I saw that stuff, tho, I KNEW he was very mentally ill.

Steph

[Charles6722]

T.O!
   That's what I SEE! I posted here once about "multiples" because, it seems, I'm dealing with different personalities, she can regress to a childlike state, she sometimes ACTS like my 9yro D, She's throws tantrums like a teen, none of which the "outside" ever sees, I recall the conversation with my FIL, he thought I was WAY OFF! now of course, she has been able to solidify IL's loyalties I:E: I'm the problem.
    I've read that people with MP's can "forget/miss" events that happen while the one Personality is "out", does anyone have stats on BPD's that have MP's?


Charles-

[bigbaldy33]

I've always wondered about the relationship between short term memory loss and BPD.  My UBPDW can say one thing one minute and the very next fight you to the death that she didn't say it at all.  Every story from our past now has 20 different versions depending on what angle she is confortable in dealing with.  It is funny how she can forget where she put her keys (we're missing a very expensive set of keys that she hid so we wouldn't take them from her when she was over-medicating to keep her from driving) but she can quote word for word what I "supposedly" said negative about her 20 years ago.

BigBaldy