Child abuse and I need to vent

[Think About It...]

I went to drop the boys off this morning. I pick them up at school every monday and drop them off to her apart tuesday morning at 6.15 am. ( that was court ordered child abuse IMO ) The boys are 10 and 5. My 10 yr old gets on the bus at 8.30 and my 5 yr old gets the bus at 12.30. If the courts had the children go to the school my 10 yr old was going to I could drop them off at school and get to work on time. Last yr it worked fine but uBPDw had to drive children to school on her days and she lives in the next township. She doesn't have to get to work in the morning so it was no inconvienence except she had to drive them in the morning. I have to drive away from work ( about 20 minutes and then drive back another 20 minutes before I start going to work - then I have rush hour traffic to contend with so I actually need an additional 20 minutes which adds up to a total of one hour extra time so the boys have to be dropped off at 6.15 am )  Two weeks ago no one was at her apartment. Normally she has a sitter because she works monday night. I had to call her. That was the first time in months since emails worked fine. The sitter showed up in about 10 minutes. Last week no one is there again . I call again but this time I have to wait for 40 minutes. I was late for work. This week I call and like a fool I am waiting again. This time after about 10 minutes I call her back and tell her I am dropping the boys off at her work. ( a hospital in the area ) This way I can get to work. I realize this is a game to her and she is enjoying herself but what about the boys. I now have to wake the boys up at 5.45 am and drop them off to a hospital both tired and hungry. This is wrong. She sent an email about two weeks ago asking for suggestions  ? on how to help the boys because they are tired in school. Well DUH. Thats  why I went to court in Aug to keep the boys in the school they were last year. All we need to do is agree with what is best for the boys and do it. I guess I'm asking for too much. My 10 yr old was crying his eyes out last night because he wants to live with me. I don't have enough documentation yet to go back to court according to my atty. I talked to him for about 30 minutes last night. He can't talk  to mom because he is afraid to. When he tries talking to her she gets mad , walks away and punishes him by taking things away from him. He is walking on eggshells and it makes me feel like s*** because I can't help him. After our talk he felt better but when I dropped him off this morning I went to give him a hug and kiss like usual. He looked dejected and was hunched over. My 5 yr old has become extremely clingy but still defends his mom. I just listen. When they are with me things are fine and they are happy normal little boys. She is in such denial and everything is my fault that I don't think she will ever get it. I have been getting re-engagements for the last two months but I do not react or respond. She uses the same playbook over and over. The only thing she knows is that I love my boys and that is what she uses. She is just upping the ante. This is so sick.

[david]

I went to drop the boys off this morning. I pick them up at school every monday and drop them off to her apart tuesday morning at 6.15 am. ( that was court ordered child abuse IMO ) The boys are 10 and 5. My 10 yr old gets on the bus at 8.30 and my 5 yr old gets the bus at 12.30. If the courts had the children go to the school my 10 yr old was going to I could drop them off at school and get to work on time. Last yr it worked fine but uBPDw had to drive children to school on her days and she lives in the next township. She doesn't have to get to work in the morning so it was no inconvienence except she had to drive them in the morning. I have to drive away from work ( about 20 minutes and then drive back another 20 minutes before I start going to work - then I have rush hour traffic to contend with so I actually need an additional 20 minutes which adds up to a total of one hour extra time so the boys have to be dropped off at 6.15 am )  Two weeks ago no one was at her apartment. Normally she has a sitter because she works monday night. I had to call her. That was the first time in months since emails worked fine. The sitter showed up in about 10 minutes. Last week no one is there again . I call again but this time I have to wait for 40 minutes. I was late for work. This week I call and like a fool I am waiting again. This time after about 10 minutes I call her back and tell her I am dropping the boys off at her work. ( a hospital in the area ) This way I can get to work. I realize this is a game to her and she is enjoying herself but what about the boys. I now have to wake the boys up at 5.45 am and drop them off to a hospital both tired and hungry. This is wrong. She sent an email about two weeks ago asking for suggestions  ? on how to help the boys because they are tired in school. Well DUH. Thats  why I went to court in Aug to keep the boys in the school they were last year. All we need to do is agree with what is best for the boys and do it. I guess I'm asking for too much. My 10 yr old was crying his eyes out last night because he wants to live with me. I don't have enough documentation yet to go back to court according to my atty. I talked to him for about 30 minutes last night. He can't talk  to mom because he is afraid to. When he tries talking to her she gets mad , walks away and punishes him by taking things away from him. He is walking on eggshells and it makes me feel like s*** because I can't help him. After our talk he felt better but when I dropped him off this morning I went to give him a hug and kiss like usual. He looked dejected and was hunched over. My 5 yr old has become extremely clingy but still defends his mom. I just listen. When they are with me things are fine and they are happy normal little boys. She is in such denial and everything is my fault that I don't think she will ever get it. I have been getting re-engagements for the last two months but I do not react or respond. She uses the same playbook over and over. The only thing she knows is that I love my boys and that is what she uses. She is just upping the ante. This is so sick.

[MtnGirl]

David - I am SO sorry to hear what is going on. Typical behavior, sadly. They always put themselves above their children, and then try to make it look like they are working SOOOOOOOO hard to make things work right, and they feel SOOOOOO badly for 'their' babies when it doesn't.

The courts turning a deaf ear and a blind eye to what will work vs. what won't pisses me off to no end for all of you who have to deal with such bullsh*t. Argh. 

   to you. I hope you are able to find a more appropriately workable solution for your boys (and you!).

[laurena82]

David,
I'm sorry for not remembering details of your situation...

is your 10 yo seeing a counselor, or have you considered talking with a counselor at his school re: his situation?  I guess what I'm looking at is finding some sort of health care professional that can start to notice the things you're seeing (the dejectedness, the difficulty dealing with mom's instable behaviors) and be there to state this as part of your case for custody...I guess talking with your lawyer re: what would be some good people to start doing this with to build your case faster?  I'm just thinking that sometimes someone like a school teacher, etc, might not start noticing these things right away, but if mentioned about it to you, it triggers them to start noticing, and then you'd have someone that when the FOC evaluator talked with, they'd be seeing what you've been seeing and advocating for your son that way...?

Also, documenting these times you do drop off and mom/sitter not there would be important and I think usable to help get that part changed...

my biggest advice right now is talk with your lawyer on how you can be moving this stuff forward, getting enough documentation, etc...

BEST WISHES !

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[SuddenlySense]

A suggestion, keep documentation too of the exact hours they sleep and the dates, as well as any other unusual occurrences that you see.  See if you can get the teacher to keep records (brief...I teach and I have done this before...just a word or 2, like Sept. 2--fell asleep in Math or grumpy all day with other kids) of any unusual personality occurrences with your kids.  I have actually had DSS call for my behavior records to compare to the weekends that kids spent with one parent in order to support the effect of that parent on the child.

The other suggestions you got here are great too!