Apology to former stepdaughter?

[Think About It...]

My divorce from BPDh was finalized Thursday.  We were married just less than 2 years.  He has three teenage daughters, and as I guess is typical, my relationship with them was good at first.  As the marriage progressed/deteriorated, he began driving a wedge between me and his family.  Because of his smears and my lack of understanding what was really happening early in our relationship, the girls now despise me.

One particular incident continues to haunt me, and I wonder if I should extend to his youngest an apology for not protecting her from her abusive father. 

A few months after the wedding, uBPDh learned that his first wife had been having an affair when she divorced him.  He completely lost control.  He began stalking her, threatening her and contacting the children to tell them the "whole ugly truth."  He also began trying to enforce his visitation although for the previous 3 years, he had tried to avoid extended visits with the children.

One weekend, he INSISTED that the youngest daughter (15) visit so that he could "discuss the affair situation" with her.  She begged and pleaded to stay home.  He would hear nothing of it.  At the time, I was firmly in his corner that she visit.  I did not agree that he discuss the problems he had with her Mom, but I didn't believe that was really my call.  He picked the daughter up on Friday evening, and she was apparently screaming and crying.  When I arrived at the our house, she was standing in the entryway begging my husband for her "Mommy."  She was cursing him and telling me that he had "abused" her on the drive up.  She said he had pulled her hair.  Her hysterics continued for hours.  She was more disrespectful toward her Father than I had ever heard a child be.  At one point, my husband asked me if he could wash her mouth out with soap.  Being completely frazzled from the chaos and aghast that a child would speak to her Father in such a way, I responded, "You could actually spank her butt."  To which, she began this wailing as if someone were gutting her.  (Neither the spanking or the soaping occurred; not that it matters.)

Let me say here that I am not a proponent of spanking.  The agreement with my own son (who suffers with Asperger's and is VERY difficult) is that if he is behaving in an unsafe or disrespectful manner and he does not respond to 1) a verbal warning 2) confinement to his bedroom 3) loss of privileges then he will be spanked with three strikes to his backside.  I've done this three times in 16 years. 

Back to the stepdaughter.  Once she calmed down a little, I gave her the phone to call her Mother.  Her Mother called our local Sheriff's dept and an officer came to the house to investigate her allegations of abuse.  I wish I could fully describe my husband's demeanor when the deputy arrived.  He was the model parent; polite, concerned, deferential.  His poor daughter was agitated, irrational, and in retrospect, terrified.  She received a stern lecture from the deputy telling her we could have her shipped off to detention for 3 days with no visits from her Mother or an attorney.  He told her that that was MY perogative as well as her Dad's!  Needless to say she was even more frightened when the deputy left.

After that incident, she refused to ever be in my presence again.  I certainly don't blame her.  I was an adult and should have realized that this child had been in an abusive relationship with her Father her entire life.  I took the abuser's side and further victimized this poor little girl.

In my defense, I truly did not understand.  I was newly married.  I thought the 2 or 3 rages I had seen were isolated to me...and my fault.  I had heard him talk incessantly for the 2 years I had known him how much he loved his children. How his ex-wife had turned the girls against him; allowing them to be rude, disrespectful and abusive to him.  I saw evidence of their disrespect toward him each time we were together.  I was told that his ex-wife had instilled this fear in his children which resulted in their limiting their visits with him.  It never occurred to me that their attitude toward their Dad was the result of his years of abusive behavior toward them and their Mother.

I have now experienced what the youngest did that night.  How he is the one who looks sane.  His victims are the crazy, emotional ones.  I now realize that abuse is not just the episode of negative, aggressive behavior, but the ENTIRE relationship of effusive affection, insidious manipulations and carefully orchestrated rages  all intended to exert control.

I feel horrible that this child had this experience in my home.  I am the Mom in this neighborhood where kids come to get away with stuff.  My Son's friends now call me from college when they drink away their water bill money or get a speeding ticket!  They tell me their secrets and help me with things around the house.  I am the neighborhood pushover...too much friend not enough parent.  Why wasn't I that for her that night?

I can't imagine what it felt for her here.  Trapped.  Not believed.  Under the care of a stranger with a frightening ability to "send her away."  God.  That poor child, and I allowed her to be in that situation.

My question to you; Should I try to contact her and apologize?  Would it be helpful/meaningful for her or am I trying to alleviate my own guilt?  Thanks for any advice you can offer.

[aandersonco]

My divorce from BPDh was finalized Thursday.  We were married just less than 2 years.  He has three teenage daughters, and as I guess is typical, my relationship with them was good at first.  As the marriage progressed/deteriorated, he began driving a wedge between me and his family.  Because of his smears and my lack of understanding what was really happening early in our relationship, the girls now despise me.

One particular incident continues to haunt me, and I wonder if I should extend to his youngest an apology for not protecting her from her abusive father. 

A few months after the wedding, uBPDh learned that his first wife had been having an affair when she divorced him.  He completely lost control.  He began stalking her, threatening her and contacting the children to tell them the "whole ugly truth."  He also began trying to enforce his visitation although for the previous 3 years, he had tried to avoid extended visits with the children.

One weekend, he INSISTED that the youngest daughter (15) visit so that he could "discuss the affair situation" with her.  She begged and pleaded to stay home.  He would hear nothing of it.  At the time, I was firmly in his corner that she visit.  I did not agree that he discuss the problems he had with her Mom, but I didn't believe that was really my call.  He picked the daughter up on Friday evening, and she was apparently screaming and crying.  When I arrived at the our house, she was standing in the entryway begging my husband for her "Mommy."  She was cursing him and telling me that he had "abused" her on the drive up.  She said he had pulled her hair.  Her hysterics continued for hours.  She was more disrespectful toward her Father than I had ever heard a child be.  At one point, my husband asked me if he could wash her mouth out with soap.  Being completely frazzled from the chaos and aghast that a child would speak to her Father in such a way, I responded, "You could actually spank her butt."  To which, she began this wailing as if someone were gutting her.  (Neither the spanking or the soaping occurred; not that it matters.)

Let me say here that I am not a proponent of spanking.  The agreement with my own son (who suffers with Asperger's and is VERY difficult) is that if he is behaving in an unsafe or disrespectful manner and he does not respond to 1) a verbal warning 2) confinement to his bedroom 3) loss of privileges then he will be spanked with three strikes to his backside.  I've done this three times in 16 years. 

Back to the stepdaughter.  Once she calmed down a little, I gave her the phone to call her Mother.  Her Mother called our local Sheriff's dept and an officer came to the house to investigate her allegations of abuse.  I wish I could fully describe my husband's demeanor when the deputy arrived.  He was the model parent; polite, concerned, deferential.  His poor daughter was agitated, irrational, and in retrospect, terrified.  She received a stern lecture from the deputy telling her we could have her shipped off to detention for 3 days with no visits from her Mother or an attorney.  He told her that that was MY perogative as well as her Dad's!  Needless to say she was even more frightened when the deputy left.

After that incident, she refused to ever be in my presence again.  I certainly don't blame her.  I was an adult and should have realized that this child had been in an abusive relationship with her Father her entire life.  I took the abuser's side and further victimized this poor little girl.

In my defense, I truly did not understand.  I was newly married.  I thought the 2 or 3 rages I had seen were isolated to me...and my fault.  I had heard him talk incessantly for the 2 years I had known him how much he loved his children. How his ex-wife had turned the girls against him; allowing them to be rude, disrespectful and abusive to him.  I saw evidence of their disrespect toward him each time we were together.  I was told that his ex-wife had instilled this fear in his children which resulted in their limiting their visits with him.  It never occurred to me that their attitude toward their Dad was the result of his years of abusive behavior toward them and their Mother.

I have now experienced what the youngest did that night.  How he is the one who looks sane.  His victims are the crazy, emotional ones.  I now realize that abuse is not just the episode of negative, aggressive behavior, but the ENTIRE relationship of effusive affection, insidious manipulations and carefully orchestrated rages  all intended to exert control.

I feel horrible that this child had this experience in my home.  I am the Mom in this neighborhood where kids come to get away with stuff.  My Son's friends now call me from college when they drink away their water bill money or get a speeding ticket!  They tell me their secrets and help me with things around the house.  I am the neighborhood pushover...too much friend not enough parent.  Why wasn't I that for her that night?

I can't imagine what it felt for her here.  Trapped.  Not believed.  Under the care of a stranger with a frightening ability to "send her away."  God.  That poor child, and I allowed her to be in that situation.

My question to you; Should I try to contact her and apologize?  Would it be helpful/meaningful for her or am I trying to alleviate my own guilt?  Thanks for any advice you can offer.

[EbonyDIL]

Hi aandersonco,

This is a sad situation and one that you obviously understand much better now and have deep regrets about.  May I suggest you copy your post and also post it on the Coping With Parents, Relatives, or Inlaws with BPD board?

The people on the Coping board have been in your stepdaughter's shoes and may have better insight into what steps take, if any, and how to approach your SD.

Ebony

[koko]

Hi,
As a step mother who has had great confusion trying to decipher the reality of the presenting behaviors in my home, I truly empathize with your situation.  I also hear clearly the pain you are in over this incident.  I commend you for your willingness to explore your own culpability in this incident, rather than blaming it all on your ex.  I think that ebony's idea was a very good one--to post this over on the other board--it would really be good to get a sense from those with BPD parents what their reaction was to those who did not protect them.  I think that their advice would be better than mind.  But I will offer some thoughts here.  While this incident stands out in your mind, for his daughter it was all part of a life long abusive situation with the father.  Yes, it is too bad you were not able to handle this better, but unfortunately this was probably par for the course from the 15 year old's view.  I do think that any validation these children can get though might help them, and for that reason if you had the opportunity to say something to this child, I can see that it could be a good thing.  On the other hand, depending, these children have such chaotic lives and it is such a mess of feelings and emotions, that it could actually unleash the regulation that the child has developed.  You would have to be ready for it to possibly mean nothing--this was one incident in a life time's of incidents.  My SD relates that she cannot even remember a lot of her life, and she consciously tries to block out the memories.
Regardless of if you talk to her or not, you are going to need to forgive yourself.  When you are not BPD and you are thrust into this non-reality barrage of behaviors, it is uncanny how it absolutely brings out the worst in all of us.  A post on this board right now is something about "Do you ever have BPD behaviors?"  Sadly enough my friend, you too were a victim, and were used by him to further his game, and you were not aware of it, and you did his bidding.  It is sickening how these BPDs use anyone they can.  You sound like a very caring and loving person.  Honestly, i odn't think there is a lot you will be able to do about this situation.  But you can kindly make peace with yourself, learn, and give to others.
I hope you get some ideas from the other board.
Peace. Koko

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[laurena82]

Hi Andersonco,

I guess the answer to your question, IMO, would depend alot on the SD...

I'm inferring that she was 15 when it mostly happened, and is 17 now? 

If she's willing to talk with you, you could offer to take her out to lunch one day, because you wanted to talk with her, and do so then.

EIther she takes you up on the offer or doesnt...?

Maybe you offer the lunch more vaguely, so if she's not comfortable meeting with you now, it's not a "no" answer, and you can ask again in 6 months or a year...

I think it would most likely be a good validating thing for her to hear you apologize that you werent seeing everything clearly...?

BEST WISHES!

[aandersonco]

Thank you very much for your insight. I have posted to the other board and r'cvd very good advice, and decided to extend to her my apology.  I know my own heart and know my intentions to be good ones.  I can't control how she chooses to view my actions; hopefully one day she will at least consider them to be sincere and that will provide her some validation.  I can't see how apologizing would hurt her in any way.

My son, who is her age, says he would just send me back a "go to he**" e-mail but would probably think about it as a positive thing in the future.  He says I'll likely never know when that happens.  I can live with that.

Again, thank you for your kind and wise words.  Peace to you and Happy Holidays!