Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
July 05, 2015, 07:56:25 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Today's Feature: Survey - the misdiagnosis and mistreatment of BPD Participate here
Moderators: DreamGirl, EaglesJuJu, lbjnltx, Kwamina, livednlearned, Mutt, Suzn, Turkish, Waverider   
Advisors: cosmonaut, maxen, Mike-X, once removed, Reforming
  Directory Guidelines Glossary   Boards   Help Login Register  
VIDEO: How To Reduce Conflict Do you have an emotionally difficult person in your life? Our natural response often make matters worse. Learn to better communicate using "S.E.T." (by Jerold Kreisman MD) and a DBT tool developed by Alan Fruzzetti, PhD. Break the cycle of conflict.
52
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Emotionally shut down  (Read 1804 times)
neverending
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 58


« on: December 15, 2008, 06:33:23 AM »

I feel like at some point in the past I shut down emotionally, and now no matter how I try I can't turn it back on. I find it hard to empathise with other people, and hard to trust my emotions in life. This has resulted in over-relying on logic and thinking, even with relationships with friends or lovers that is supposed to be emotional, in my case I calculate the cost to benefit ratio and can pretty much use logic to control my emotions. But I'm not happy, I feel trapped. And if you calculate things to the extreme there is no point to anything, no passion, no joy in life.
And of course intimate relationships suffer, because I've pretty much reduced love down to a list of factual criteria that increase the possibility of getting what I want while not being hurt. but while logical it's not a nice way to treat someone, it's very mercenary.

But I think I cling to this logical method as the only path I had out of madness, and now I'm terrified of abandoning it.

Maybe I need to be more balanced, but I don't know how! Anyone else have this problem? How do you cope with it?
Logged
Ami
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 251


« Reply #1 on: December 15, 2008, 06:43:55 AM »

I am getting back in touch with my  feelings.I understand how you feel. The book "Your Body Never Lies" by Alice Miller taught me that I need to respect all feelings. I had an Enlightened Witness,someone who would stand by me as I felt these scary feelings.
 Now, I have learned to honor all feelings, let them be and feel them. Then, I have insights and slowly  feel more centered and real.
   Ami
Logged
hopethereishope
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 205


« Reply #2 on: December 15, 2008, 07:09:29 AM »

Hi Neverending! I had a similar problem but wasn't aware of it… I couldn't feel any “negative“ emotions, I was probably used to pushing them away and continued to do so. There was only room for “positive” in my life, only bright and shiny feelings so I never saw anything hostile, bad or frightening till it hit me right in the face, though to be honest… it took some time to process it. I wasn’t able to properly label my feelings… I didn’t want to feel disappointment, anger, sadness… but in the end I was forced to feel everything, to cry a lot (at one point I couldn’t cry, conditioned: brave girls don’t cry).
When I found out that intellectualization/rationalization was also a defense mechanism I was lost. It’s not easy to feel if you had to repress your emotions since you were born. But once you let yourself experience all that’s within you it’s very liberating. It’s you… you show yourself respect, trust… and you see that there’s nothing to be afraid of… you go through the pain… it’s within you anyway, but now you face it… the same goes for anger, disappointment and every other feeling…
Love… you can’t buy love, love is not about logic… and if you think that you can save yourself from being hurt by being logical about it… let me tell you, this won’t save you from being hurt. On the contrary, it can strip your defenses and you might end up questioning your judgment and berating yourself for the choices you’ve made based on logic.
I’d also suggest you check Alice Miller’s website.
Logged
Cassy
******
Offline Offline

Posts: 1221



« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2008, 08:51:31 AM »

I'm the same way, no feelings, just Dr. Spock logic.
Logged
Nalyd
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 144


WWW
« Reply #4 on: December 15, 2008, 02:39:36 PM »

neverending, do you have a good therapist?  Someone to help you cope with all the pain you have suppressed throughout the years?

After enduring so much pain and madness, a person tends to shut down and become numb.  Post traumatic stress or shock comes to mind though this is an emotional shock.

I question myself when it comes to anger and pain.  If someone hurts me emotionally I put the situation under a microscope trying to decide if I should really feel hurt or if I am overreacting.  Because I don't want to be like my mother and think everyone and everything is out to hurt me or get me, I have let things slide which I feel any normal person would not.  I also constantly wonder if my anger is justified.  Bascily, I question my emotions at every turn.

Getting in touch with your feeling and realizing you are entitled to those feelilngs are your first step.  Yeap, easier said than done and something I have a hard time doing myself.  It won't happen over night, it may not happen over the period of years, but it is a step.



Logged
spinningdoc
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 425


« Reply #5 on: December 15, 2008, 04:14:07 PM »

Nalyd

I'm another one kind of in this boat - it's not that I don't have feelings. I just have to process them very slowly and carefully and get used to them, and build my trust that they're okay, like lowering myself into a hot bath. I'm intellectually bright, and creative, but I feel emotionally slow on the uptake sometimes, like I'm just not getting stuff that everyone else takes for granted. It must be like not having a sense a humour. I learnt as a kid to be very, very controlled and it takes a long time to relax that.

It's as though my calibration for emotions is off. I thought, until a few years ago, way after I knew my mother is completely hatstand, that BPD-esque extremes were okay, and just as you describe, I've had to slowly, logically figure out how to communicate, for instance, when I'm angry, and how angry I am. All I can say is that, like a toddler, I think I'm getting the hang of it and internalising the 'rules'. Most people learn this stuff as kids. We didn't get the opportunity.

In the meantime, when I have to, I've learned to let myself pre-empt intellectually what my emotions will get to in their own good time, and conversely, to figure out what it is I'm unhappy or angry about - rather than what I think I'm unhappy or angry about. They're pretty often very different.
Logged

"Why did your mother say you were 'a beautiful genius'? Was she taunting you?" - Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock
1stof4
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 56


« Reply #6 on: December 15, 2008, 07:34:46 PM »

... it's not that I don't have feelings. I just have to process them very slowly and carefully ... I'm just not getting stuff that everyone else takes for granted... I've had to slowly, logically figure out how to communicate, for instance, when I'm angry, and how angry I am...

I bet this describes a lot of us who had BPD parents, because the BPD's feelings are the only ones that matter in such families. We learn to hide, squelch, stifle, mislabel, and misdirect our own emotions to avoid attack. We keep our guard up so much of the time that we forget how to let it down. That was my experience of depression: I had stuffed so many "unsafe" emotions that I couldn't feel or identify the "safe" ones either.
Logged
Nalyd
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 144


WWW
« Reply #7 on: December 15, 2008, 08:18:04 PM »

We keep our guard up so much of the time that we forget how to let it down.

Perfect description 1stof4.  Somedays it takes a sledge hammer to rip that wall down.

Spinningdoc it is a learning process, a very slow and painful one (or at least for me). 
Logged
2015 Financial Sponsors
Thank you. We are all appreciative of the thoughtful and responsible men and women who provide the support, education, and brotherhood to keep BPDFamily on the air and make a difference in the lives and families of many. To all, thank you for this wonderful resource.
1989
123Phoebe
4kidz
A maze
Achaya
Adelheid
adventurer
aeoma
alf
All4BVM
antifragile
arlers
Aurelius
Aurora7
Aussie JJ
Aussieman
Avi
babyducks
BatMasterson
beatup
Being Mindful
Bhodidharma
billypilgrim
BlackandBlue
blissful_camper
bluetooth
bobbyvp
Bookworm77
Boss302
bpdfamfan
bpdRelife
CalledaPerson
captain4464
Carebearx2m
careman
Cat Familiar
catclaw
catnap
caughtnreleased
cehlers55
Change2014
chooselove
Chosen
chump
claudiaduffy
cleotokos
clydegriffith
Cmjo
cobwebfaery
ColdEthyl
confusedwoman
Conundrum
CookieMom
corraline
coworkerfriend
Cumulus
DearBFF
Dibdob59
Dire Wolf
doubleAries
downwhim
draptemp
drummerboy
Dutched
DyingLove
easternmom
Elpis
Emelie Emelie
emoinferno
enlighten me
Ex_CB_Partner
F150
FannyB

findingmyselfagain
flowerpath
foggydew
ForeverDad
forget-me-not
Frankcostello
Free2Bee
freedom33
friskey
fromheeltoheal
Gagrl
GeekyGirl
gettin-unstuck
gfish
gloveman
Grey Kitty
gsm42
half-life
HappyChappy
HappyNihilist
harnettr
Harri
Heartandsole
heartandwhole
Heldfast
Heshie
hithere
Hope26
hope2727
howcanI?
imataloss
In Pain
inkling16
Inside
Intent_to_learn
Irish Pride
janpiet
Japeslee
jaynebrain
jellibeans
Jessica84
jjclark
Johnjm
joolz29
Josie C
joyjoyjoy
JRT
jthorpejr
JulesC
juner
kaer
kappa
kc sunshine
Keep
KeepOnGoing
kelti1972
kidsteele
kj1234
KQuestionsItAll
Kwamina
landj
landofoz
Learning Fast
Leelou
lemon flower
lever
Linda Maria
lipstick
llor
lm911
Lmls
Love Is Not Enough
Loveisfree
lovenature
Loveofhislife
Lucky One
madmom
maid
malibu4x
MammaMia
maric
mdg2101
Mel1968
mercurious
Mercury2Pluto
mggt
michel71
Mike76
mitatsu
Mom919
momtara
Mono No Aware:
Mr Hollande
Mutt
NeedHelpPls
newlifeBPDfree
NewWays
nochangeinsight
NorthernGirl
oblivian2013
oceaneyes
Olivia_D
outside9x
overcomer
P.F.Change
Panda39
paperlung
patientandclear
Patty
picturelady
Pingo
PinkieV
Pou
Progress Not Perfection
propunchingbag
qcarolr
qkslvrgirl
Rapt Reader
raytamtay3
really???
Recooperating
Reforming
ReluctantSurvivor
rickdeckard
Ridingthewaves
Rifka
rollercoaster24
Ross O
sanemom
Saro
Scarlet Phoenix
schwing
SCM
sdyakca
seahorse
SES
ShaSha
Sheed
simpleman
sirius
Skip
SlyQQ
Soulslider
Southern_Belle
SpringInMyStep
Sshilli
SSJ0603
stargazer3
StayOrLeave15
stupafly
Sunfl0wer
Surg_Bear
Surnia
suz124w
swampped
sweetheart
swiftkick
Take2
Tamara96
Tansy
Targeted
Theo41
thereishope
Tiepje3
toomanytears
trappedinlove
tryingtohelp
trytrytry
Turkish
tuum est61
twojaybirds
ugghh
Up In the Air
vbor
Vindi
vre
waverider
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
White_Lily
WindReader
winston72
Witchway
worn_out
Yaffle
yeeter
zaqsert
zenwexler

Pay it forward Here

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Top Spacer
images/mb/panel_coping_1.jpg
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2015, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!