Met someone new but...

[Think About It...]

I'm not sure where to post this but I wanted some feedback. It's been 10 months since the beginning of my break up with my ex, 6 months since the last communication. I met someone new this weekend, who seems very interested in me. So of course I send up the flags already. But I don't have the same feelings. There isn't an instant connection. But she's nice and I like her, I'm just not 100% there yet. I feel anxious because she's been pretty open with the fact that she really likes me but she doesn't even know me. So I have my guard up. I don't get the same exact vibe as I did with the others, but something is holding me back and I don't know if it's that I'm scared because she's been so open or if I'm scared because of what I've gone through and everyone is a crazy to me now. What should I do? I want to try to get to know her but she needs to know where I'm coming from. I just feel like her being this into me so quickly is a red flag, but it's not the same vibe as my ex. It's more like, she's young.

[AMG]

I'm not sure where to post this but I wanted some feedback. It's been 10 months since the beginning of my break up with my ex, 6 months since the last communication. I met someone new this weekend, who seems very interested in me. So of course I send up the flags already. But I don't have the same feelings. There isn't an instant connection. But she's nice and I like her, I'm just not 100% there yet. I feel anxious because she's been pretty open with the fact that she really likes me but she doesn't even know me. So I have my guard up. I don't get the same exact vibe as I did with the others, but something is holding me back and I don't know if it's that I'm scared because she's been so open or if I'm scared because of what I've gone through and everyone is a crazy to me now. What should I do? I want to try to get to know her but she needs to know where I'm coming from. I just feel like her being this into me so quickly is a red flag, but it's not the same vibe as my ex. It's more like, she's young.

[theotherside]

Probably this is easier said than done, but can you just let her know that, exactly what you posted here -- that you like her, too, but want to move very slowly and get to know each other?
I understand your reservations...I think because of our experience, it's tougher for us to ever trust anything. It's not just that we were burned - that happens to everyone - but in such a deceptive, crazy way, from the get-go. Now that we have such extensive knowledge of Psychoville, we can never go back to Naive World. We're like rich people who will forever be on guard that people are interested only because of their $$. Only without those particular bennies. 
But at some point we have to sink or swim -- or we shouldn't be in the water. 

[AMG]

I had a great conversation with her tonight and it seems good. Told her I needed to move slow and she was like, look, it's not a problem. I get it and it's all good basically. Was very cool. Now if I could just work on her A.D.D! . She's a bit all over the place but seems like a very sweet person. I think it's going to be ok...Thank you for the words and I will be sure to update but hopefully only positive updates!

[Im.okay.now]

Good for you AMG. Just go out and have fun.

[mtn]

You know...having someone "really into you" quickly can be scary.  However, I also think of it as a little validating.

There are people I've met and quickly knew I liked them as a person.  and vice versa.

It just means we are "good people".  Just keep an eye on continuing to feed on this validation...get to know the person, be open as much as you feel comfortable and honest.  You don't need to share everything right away.

Its just a good thing to realize that you are a likeable person.  Im guessing that there are several people in your travels who feel the same way...that just didnt take the steps to let you know.  Or...you weren't paying attention.

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[AMG]

mtn, this is true. I just find it hard to believe that she could be so into me without knowing me. I am not like that. I don't fall for poeple simply because I find them physically attractive, but she's very smart. Almost too smart. So maybe she picked up on something she liked. I know I'm a good person and hopefully she is too. I will take it slow and see what happens. I have definitely been different with this situation and I think it's good. She also said that she feels the same way, dosen't want any drama as she's dealt with some this year as well. She just seems much less emotional or sensitive than me. She's much more, hey, let's just have fun and see what happens. Where as I'm like what does this mean what does that mean? Exhausting.

[AMG]

Just a brief update. Things are going pretty well wiht my new dating situation. I don't know where it will lead but I've been keeping a sharpe eye out for any red flags of the BPD kind and so far so good I think. She told me she's emotionally available, she said she knows she's a catch and I should  know that too (in a joking manner). None of the, things that the others gave me. I'm a tough person to deal with, you should be cautious with me, I can't give you all of my heart, etc, etc. I still don't know the sitch and she could be a nut, but so far the only thing she really seems to have issues with is being socially graceful in group settings. She has social anxiety to a degree. Now I keep thinking about how I want to finally write the ex my final say which I have been knocking around doing for months. Now at least if I do it I won't do it out of anger or spite. But I also wonder if it's just a bad idea to contact her at all...

[Hamlet]

But I also wonder if it's just a bad idea to contact her at all...

You are 6 mo NC, and you want to contact her?    Unless the bone is protruding from the skin and she is the only chopper pilot that can airlift you and your double broken legs to the hospital, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO YOU NEED TO CONTACT HER!

I would sacrifice 10 rams to the god Mars to be 6 mo NC...   

Breathe, and let that desire to write go by unheeded.

[AMG]

Yeah, I know you're probably right. Just makes me crazy knowing that she gets away with this time and time again. It's sick and very upsetting.

[Im.okay.now]

Yeah, I know you're probably right. Just makes me crazy knowing that she gets away with this time and time again. It's sick and very upsetting.

screw the ex ... you have something that looks pretty good happening ... focus on that !

[AMG]

Ha, ha. Well said.

[zeroday]

Write it, and post it here.  Then you get your say, and you don't break NC.

Or, if it's personal or confidential, write it...then burn it.

[AMG]

Maybe writing it and burning it is a good idea. Or maybe just focusing on the new person. She's great so far. I'm relaly enjoying getting to know her and it seems so much healthier than any other relationship I've been in. It's got it's potential concerns but the are "normal" so far. I'm excited and scared but ready to take things slowly and move on. She really cares about me and that's where I lose faith and trust because of what I've been through. But, I'm going to try it and hopefully it works out.

[JoannaK]

I agree, AMG, that writing to the ex can't give you closure...   It may just open the door to contact.  So keep that door shut and move on.

About the new woman...  I'm glad that things are going well and you are taking it one step at a time.  Remember, AMG, many people here had people that turned out to be BPDso's who were really great at the beginning...  we always have to be careful.

[Pugwash]

AMG,

I'm glad you're enjoying the early days of something new with someone new and I hope it gradually works out for both of you. I understand to some extent that you feel like contacting your ex would be somehow an act of revenge but it just isn't worth it. She's really not getting away with anything because if she is BPD she will eventually destroy each victim who becomes ensnared whereas you have the wherewithal and the self-knowledge to actually grow into a meaningful, balanced and healthy relationship with a partner. If not this one then another one.

As one who is nearly a year out and, despite my earlier misgivings that NC was the right approach, I would say don't blow it now. Discard the chaos and confusion of 2008 as the new year approaches and relish the prospects which 2009 offers.

Happy New Year to you from Pugwash.