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Think About It.... Most high-conflict families have one or both parents who exhibit either narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive, histrionic, paranoid, or borderline traits. They may have parents who become rigid in their perception of the other and tend to deal with things in their extremes. The parents are polarized, viewing themselves as all good and the other as all bad. These parents focus on the traits within the other parent that reinforce this perception, and they approach each new conflict as verification of just how difficult the other parent is. These parents experience chronic externalization of blame, possessing little insight into their own role in the conflicts. They usually have little empathy for the impact of this conflict on their children. They routinely feel self-justified, believing that their actions are best for their children.. ~ Philip M. Stahl, Ph.D.
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Author Topic: Final Case Conference COURT IS DONE  (Read 696 times)
Peace4us
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« on: February 23, 2009, 11:05:30 AM »
I did it.

I am done going to court. I have an order. The Family Law Information Center staff were incredible and duty counsel today was fantastic. It took 10 mins as expected. The judge even used my original document at the attachement for the order to be written up from. (Thats huge, no notations, or changes or misinterpretations as its my own words and typed in perfect legal jargon. kudos to me for being so analytically anal and precise, thank you internet) Had I not had every i dotted and every t crossed it would have been postponed and the next available date was May 4th!  COuld you imagine what could happen from now to then with this crazy person?

Its done. I feel the 400 lbs of weight off my shoulders and broke down into tears in the middle of the court hallway, my dad was with me.  I was able to do in a month what takes on average 4 - 6 months. Less than 5% of cases end this way and many invest $10,000 - $30,000 to get here.

He can not pick the kids up from school without written notice by me, I maintain sole custody with no notations about that being readdressed at any later dater as per our first agreement, Its rock solid now.  He accepts the voice of the therapist and honours her decision for the kids NOT to go with him if she feels it is not in their best interests. He has already voluntarily changed his access to one night over night EOW and NO weeks this summer just possible long weekends where applicable and up to my discretion.  He must seek psychotherapy or the like and report any issues that would affect the kids to me or the T.  He did not even try to reduce his support payments but the chance of me ever seeing any money is so secondary, its just not the issue. He will maintain the sessions with the T and the kids on an as needed basis.  The kids continue to go to her as she deems neccessary or I do.

I can't believe its over. I know its not over over its just a step to better protect and empower them they have a voice and I have some control. If I ever have to refuse to send them or need to withhold them even a police officer can't take them from me with him. The T over rules all orders. Lots of power for her but she is pushing for them to see him as much as safe for the kids and I am ok with that.

AS for the support and advice and continued sharing I have gotten here I am eternally greatful to all of you. I feel as though its been a long hard haul but in reality it was very fast and very lucky I was able to do what I did. The results are worth al the angst and heartache.

Thank you. I just couldn't have done it without all of you.

Peace4us
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There are two ways of spreading light, be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. E. Warton
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« Reply #1 on: February 23, 2009, 11:18:09 AM »

I live vicariously thru your success. Perhaps this week I'll have good news as well.

I'm very relieve and happy for you and your children.
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Peace4us
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« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2009, 11:40:06 AM »
Thank you te

I too am on your side and wish you peace and resolution. It can happen.

Peace
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There are two ways of spreading light, be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. E. Warton
GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?

The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way.

If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)
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« Reply #3 on: February 23, 2009, 12:38:46 PM »
Peace,

What you have accomplished is astounding.

Kudos too to another player here: Oh, Canada! I don't think there are too many places in the world where a parent could be holding a court order like that one.
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Oy-vey!
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« Reply #4 on: February 23, 2009, 08:54:47 PM »
Such incredibly wonderful news!  Yea for you and your children!  Your hard work, research, and documentation have paid off in a way that you only imagined.  WONDERFUL!
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Her Mama
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« Reply #5 on: February 23, 2009, 09:19:18 PM »
Yeaaaa! for anality! lol   wink grin


I'm so happy for you Peace.  I am so impressed with your T.  Not many would put themselves out there like she has.  Just goes to show how many people believe in you girl!

KSM
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Learn from your experiences in the past but do not live there.  To do that steals from today. 
Live in the present with an eye to the future and leave the past where it belongs.
Peace4us
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« Reply #6 on: February 23, 2009, 09:34:26 PM »
Thank you all. So many of my blessings are hitting home.
There is so much more but I am overwhelmed and just can't now.

Peace4us
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« Reply #7 on: February 23, 2009, 11:55:43 PM »
Just read this.  I am so so happy for you.  cool cool cool  You must be so proud of your hard work and so happy for your children.  I was so happy to read this.
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Matt
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« Reply #8 on: February 24, 2009, 12:39:00 AM »
Wow - congratulations and thanks for setting such a great example for us!

Matt
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Peace4us
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« Reply #9 on: February 24, 2009, 09:21:07 AM »
Thanks all

I have another lesson. Stay NC unless its via e-mail. I just got blasted last night as I got re-engaged to speak to him on the phone when he called the kids. My son passed me the phone and said "dad NEEDS to talk to you" UGH

I spoke to the therapist after and she agreed he and I only should talk via e-mail.

The man claims to still have very strong feelings for me that he has not resolved rolleyes Its been flipping 7 years and a second marriage later. He got his divorce papers yesterday.  Called his second wife to cry on her shoulder and dish me. He dishes me to the therapist, but has not gotten over me.  Good grief buddy.

Had to send me an e-mail this morning with a second video from you tube about his inspirational musings of overcoming his feelings of dispair and deep depression  barfy  If anyone has read the poem "Footprints", its basically that revised.


I am just even more grateful of what I have been able to do when I hear this man speak and observe his actions.  So sad but so glad!

Peace
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Matt
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« Reply #10 on: February 24, 2009, 09:38:17 AM »
Quote from: Peace4us on February 24, 2009, 09:21:07 AM
Thanks all

I have another lesson. Stay NC unless its via e-mail. I just got blasted last night as I got re-engaged to speak to him on the phone when he called the kids. My son passed me the phone and said "dad NEEDS to talk to you" UGH

I spoke to the therapist after and she agreed he and I only should talk via e-mail.

The man claims to still have very strong feelings for me that he has not resolved rolleyes Its been flipping 7 years and a second marriage later. He got his divorce papers yesterday.  Called his second wife to cry on her shoulder and dish me. He dishes me to the therapist, but has not gotten over me.  Good grief buddy.

Had to send me an e-mail this morning with a second video from you tube about his inspirational musings of overcoming his feelings of dispair and deep depression  barfy  If anyone has read the poem "Footprints", its basically that revised.


I am just even more grateful of what I have been able to do when I hear this man speak and observe his actions.  So sad but so glad!

Peace

I'm sure you're finding some way to archive all the crazy stuff he sends you, in case there is ever a need to show it to someone.

Best,

Matt
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Peace4us
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« Reply #11 on: February 24, 2009, 09:57:09 AM »
Yes Matt I do have it all documented and archived. The therapist too is maintaining reports. The file I took to court alone is almost 1 1/2 inches thick. But 3/4 of an inch of that is his affidavit which inlcudes his own admittance that he could arrange to have the kids kiss me in my coffin when I told him they could live with him over my dead body. It also has his psych eval that he obtained in order to register for disability payments based on his mental health issues.

People I can't make this stuff up!

That is why I had to complete the case conference. I need all of this documentation to be logged into record, as no one in their right mind would believe me.  I myself look back at issues and have to laugh at times. As my dad says just keep a sense of humour about all of this. I told him I either laugh or accept the keys to the nut house.

Peace4us
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KateCat
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« Reply #12 on: February 24, 2009, 11:31:52 AM »
I wonder if there's ever any chance of your ex actually getting classified as disabled (especially with the additional evidence of mental instability that is emerging through this particular court process) . . . and your kids eventually receiving some financial support based on having a disabled parent.
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JoannaK
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« Reply #13 on: February 24, 2009, 03:41:21 PM »
I'm glad to hear this, Peace.  Thank heavens you were organized and stood your ground, and thank heavens his issues were strong enough that he couldn't hide them ... not from the therapist, not from the courts. 

Your kids are immensely safer now.
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Mr. M
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« Reply #14 on: February 25, 2009, 09:45:35 AM »
I always cringe when someone says, "it's over."  There always seems to be something lurking right around the corner.  That said, KUDOS TO YOU!  A lot of hard work and heartache seems to have paid off with something rock-solid, documented, and supported by the court.  That's worth celebrating.
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Peace4us
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« Reply #15 on: February 25, 2009, 10:06:35 AM »
Mr. M

I hear you loud and clear about that "its over part"  I am so aware its not over. This piece of the puzzle is done for now, but its far from over. I have placed saftey blocks in place for the possible next, next and next issues.

I was able to create some change and as JK has said given them, the children, a voice and awareness a little at a time.

This process is one that occurs in stages and this stage may be completed but I am just on to the next stage and the scary part is not knowing what that next stage entails.
One day at a time.

Peace
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There are two ways of spreading light, be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. E. Warton
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