TOOLS: Responding to domestic violence [men]

[Skip]

One fact to be remembered is that men can be victims of DV too.  In 38% of DV, the male is the victims of abuse by a female.  450 men being killed each year (compared to 1,200 women).

In addition to the risk of imjury, there is also the risk of false criminal arrest.  The well intended efforts to reduce 1,000-2,000 DV homicides and 500,000 DV hospital treated injuries by Attorneys General across the US has created a significant unintended outcome - a huge rise in false arrests.  

Why is this?

Incentives for false DV claims - a broad range of services and legal benefits:

    Sole use and possession of the residence
    Child custody
    Reimbursement for counseling, medical care, and even attorney’s fees
    Priority in receiving Title VIII low-cost housing and eligibility for other welfare services

Ease of having someone arrested - The Violence Against Women Act of 1994 explicitly endorsed a mandatory arrest policy—a watershed by traditional law enforcement standards that has increased arrest rates by 200%-400% in participating jurisdictions. As of 2007, the following 21 jurisdictions had established mandatory arrest policies - if the police come out, someone goes to jail.  Now, about one million persons are arrested annually under criminal law for intimate partner violence. Seventy-seven percent of these suspects are male.

----------------------- Alaska Arizona Colorado Connecticut District of Columbia Iowa Kansas

----------------------- Louisiana Maine Mississippi Nevada New Jersey New York Ohio

----------------------- Oregon Rhode Island South Carolina South Dakota Utah Virginia Washington

This workshop is to talk about:

For our safety (and the children) what is the best course of action to take if our parter is becoming physical?  What are things we want to be sure to avoid?

What types of scenarios are the highest risk for false DV claims? What types of things can we do to lower the risk that your partner will make a false claim of DV?  What types of things (that we do) will increase our risk?

When the police have been called out, what should we do?  What should we not do?

Note: This tread is not for discussions of fairness of the legal system or mens advocacy, how to defend a DV charges.  There are other threads for these topics.

[LAPDR]

To learn the BPDFamily DV protocol, click Emergency:

[StayingAfloat]

As a man, I find it extremely difficult to talk about physical abuse with anyone.  My wife included.  She doesn't see how it can be called "abuse" or thinks I'm overreacting when I lay down such firm boundaries around it.

It's also very easy to question myself "well, she didn't leave marks on me... or, ahem, the marks went away after only 2 days...  or, it wasn't on purpose... or, I'm twice as strong as she is and should be able to take it..." etc. etc. etc.  

And then there's the risk that, if it gets bad and I actually call the authorities, all the suspicion will fall on me.  I'd be the one in jail for the night.

[PDQuick]

I was arrested for DV once in our relationship, very bogus, and very made up. She tried to have me arrested several times throughout our relationship for DV. She had me arrested a second time for tresspassing and harrassing phone calls, which got dismissed, because of contrary evidence. She was actually guilty of that. The police officers got really familiar with her, very quickly.

There was a time when I wanted her arrested, after she took a 4 cell maglight, and hit me so hard in the face that the checked texture of the handle of the flashlight was still visible in my cheek an hour later. The police didnt do a thing. I had a swollen cheek, thinking at the time was fractured, and a visible imprint of the flashlight. Nothing, they did nothing.

After we split, she got married 3 months later. The first sherriff call on that relationship came on the night of the wedding. He was arrested 3 times in less than a year, causing him to lose his Coast Guard career of 19 years. Her first husband was arrested several times on domestic abuse, and there have been other men arrested that were in her path as well. I have never even had an argument with a woman before, or since her.

[notmyproblem]

Although abuse is abuse and everyone deserves to be treated equally, the fact is that if you are a man it is an uphill climb, the system is set up to protect women from abusive men and the courts are more likely to side with women (or men that know HOW to play the victim role).

I have learned that since I am a woman, if I just act like I am stupid, keep my logical side hidden and just let everyone make assumptions, I have a chance, but the minute I try to play fair and be reasonable, I get totally screwed.. our system is set up to reward complainers, manipulators and professional victims, we reward passive aggressive behavior and punish people who dare to be assertive.  

Recognizing that there are problems unique to male abuse does not diminish what is experienced in traditional abuse and it needs to be dealt with.

[Matt]

For our safety (and the children) what is the best course of action to take if our partner is becoming physical?

I think the key is to nip it in the bud - deal with it when it's "becoming physical" - don't wait til there has already been violence.

If you have reasons to be concerned about violence or false accusations, be ready.  An overnight bag in the trunk of your car;  your wallet and keys or purse handy;  and a good idea where you can spend the night if needed.  The idea is to be ready to walk out the door quickly and go somewhere for a few hours or overnight.

(This is more complicated if there are kids involved of course!)

You don't need to "win" the argument, or defend your turf.  You need to separate yourself from the person who might get physical or who might claim that you did.

Once there has been some violence, it's very hard to avoid some unpleasant fallout, even if nobody got hurt badly.  Much better to see it coming and take action to keep it from getting bad, and then figure out where to go from there.

[Skip]

If there ever is a time to have a values/boundary chat, it's when there is escalating arguments in a relationship.

Wait for an up time in the relationship and have a sit down about what you both value in a relationship.  Be sure it is a dialog, not a lecture.  Guide the discussion to the value of feeling safe and secure in you relationship/home - get some agreement on this.  Don't be accusatory - make it a "we" conversation - be patient.

Maybe a few days later - again wait for an uptime and make it a "we" conversation - open a discussion about how to protect the "safe and secure" value.  Talk about how things escalate, how to recognize it early, and how to take a time out.  Agree on what both need to do when it happens - make a plan together as much as you can. 

Be patient, be willing to let the discussion take place over multiple days - try to get as much by  in as possible.

Your partner may not be able to hold up their end of the deal when things get tight, but when you hold up your end, your actions will hopefully be understood as protecting the relationship, not attacking or manipulating the partner.

This will help more than you expect. 

[Matt]

If there every is a time to have a values/boundary chat, it's when there is escalating arguments in a relationship.

Wait for an up time in the relationship and have a sit down about what you both value in a relationship.  Be sure it is a dialog, not a lecture.  Guide the discussion to the value of feeling safe and secure in you relationship/home - get some agreement on this.  Don't be accusatory - make it a "we" conversation - be patient.

Maybe a few days later - again wait for an uptime and make it a "we" conversation - open a discussion about how to protect the "safe and secure" value.  Talk about how things escalate, how to recognize it early, and how to take a time out.  Agree on what both need to do when it happens - make a plan together as much as you can. 

Be patient, be willing to let the discussion take place over multiple days - try to get as much by  in as possible.

Your partner may not be able to hold up their end of the deal when things get tight, but when you hold up your end, your actions will hopefully be understood as protecting the relationship, not attacking or manipulating the partner.

This will help more than you expect. 

Skip, are you thinking this works well just one-on-one, with a partner who may have BPDish issues?

Or best with a third party, like a couples counselor?

I noticed that bad things usually happened within the first 60 seconds of getting home from work (or my wife getting home).  If we got through those 60 seconds OK, things would be OK the rest of the evening.  Never understood the why of that pattern, but noticing patterns like that might help...

[Unreal]

I think a description of how police identify who to arrest in these situations would be very helpful.  My understanding is they are trained to identify a "primary aggressor". 

The primary aggressor is not the person that starts the fight, and is not the person that first uses physical violence.  Instead, they are trained to decide the primary aggressor is the person that used the strongest level of force.  So if your BPD partner gets physical, and you use force to stop them, usually when the guy is defending himself he uses more force than a female attacker.  It's the nature of things because the guy is bigger and stronger.  So the cops then identify him as the "primary aggressor" and arrest him.  Mostly, it's not the cops being anti-male.  It's just the way the law is written, so it's what they do. 

Understanding that, I think, is crucial to avoiding being arrested. 

[mrbluesky]

As a man, I find it extremely difficult to talk about physical abuse with anyone.  My wife included.  She doesn't see how it can be called "abuse" or thinks I'm overreacting when I lay down such firm boundaries around it.

It's also very easy to question myself "well, she didn't leave marks on me... or, ahem, the marks went away after only 2 days...  or, it wasn't on purpose... or, I'm twice as strong as she is and should be able to take it..." etc. etc. etc. 

And then there's the risk that, if it gets bad and I actually call the authorities, all the suspicion will fall on me.  I'd be the one in jail for the night.

I must say amen and thanks for having the guts to post that.  I could have written it but it wouldn't have sounded as eloquent.  All the same stuff in my case.  Its quite a stigma so we never say anything to anyone.  

[robbanks123]

This is a really interesting thread. So many points have really helped me examine my own thinking  Thanks to everyone who participated, I found it helpful.  

[Matt]

I think a description of how police identify who to arrest in these situations would be very helpful.  My understanding is they are trained to identify a "primary aggressor".  The primary aggressor is not the person that starts the fight, and is not the person that first uses physical violence.  Instead, they are trained to decide the primary aggressor is the person that used the strongest level of force.  So if your BPD partner gets physical, and you use force to stop them, usually when the guy is defending himself he uses more force than a female attacker.  It's the nature of things because the guy is bigger and stronger.  So the cops then identify him as the "primary aggressor" and arrest him.  Mostly, it's not the cops being anti-male.  It's just the way the law is written, so it's what they do.  Understanding that, I think, is crucial to avoiding being arrested.  

In my state - or at least in the county where I was arrested - standard procedure is to arrest the man, because they assume that if he is removed, the risk of someone getting hurt will be low.  (I'm not saying that's correct or that I agree with it, but it's what I was told.)

I've heard that even when the man calls the police, he is arrested more than three-quarters of the time;  they only arrest the woman if there is some big reason, like if it's super-clear that she hurt the man or if she acts really bad when the police are there.

I don't think the police usually focus too much on figuring everything out and placing the blame.  Their main focus is to prevent someone from getting hurt.  So if their procedure says they should arrest the man, that's what they'll do.  And then it's up to a judge from there.

Waddams, to your point - "Understanding that is crucial to avoid being arrested." - I think you're exactly right.  A man who is involved with a DVish situation - real or a false accusation - is at high risk to be arrested, no matter what really happened.

To avoid being arrested, a man should avoid being in a DVish situation - which I think is why Skip wrote, "...if our partner is becoming physical" not "...if our partner has already become physical."

[JoannaK]

I would also add to men:  Don't deal with the stress of an escalating situation by drinking or using drugs.  This is true for all, of course, but if the man appears out of control, he is going to be the one who is arrested.  Also, if he is drinking, he might do something stupid, even if not directly violent.  This could cause him to get tossed out on a restraining order.

My exh's situation is a case in point:  After I filed for divorce, we were still in the home together.  I had no grounds for any kind of d.v. charge or a restraining order.  But he was obviously very upset and he started drinking more heavily than he had been.  (Actually, he hadn't been drinking for several months before I filed.)  He would start to be all night berating me.  I would leave the house and drive around, hoping he would fall asleep.  On several occasions I came home to find out that he had accessed my computer and deleted stuff.  One time he deleted the operating system.  He was also throwing stuff around and, though he wasn't threatening me directly, on a few occasions he stood over me at very close range when he was obviously very angry.  

Because of the threatening posture, the drinking, and the destruction to property, I was able to get a restraining order and get him out of the house.

[Mollyd]

there is also the risk of false criminal arrests.  The well intended efforts to reduce 1,000-2,000 DV homicides and 500,000 DV hospital treated injuries has created a significant unintended outcome - a huge rise in false arrests.

I agree, and am glad there's strategies in this thread to begin to address that.  My perspective is that police depts. in my metro area, are much more aware of the false allegation thing toward men by violating women than they used to be. But, that hasn't prevented one of the men I worked with from being arrested and detained (recently).  I think going to the police ahead of time, as in reporting abuse happening to you, before the false allegation comes your way is wise, but most don't seem to do that.  

There's reasons we get ourselves in these relationships, and even more reasons that we stay after one experience of abuse.  I'm certainly not trying to blame any victim, only stating the real power we each have is preventative.

A final note - regarding the drinking/using thing.  It is statistically true that of the domestic violence incidents that land in the legal system, most of them occured when people were using drugs/alcohol.  Therefore, one effective strategy is not to hang around as your partner gets wasted, if you know they have a tendency toward violence.

Molly

[Skip]

I'm certainly not trying to blame any victim, only stating the real power we each have is preventative.

Don't keep this in the closet.

Studies of DV show it as a progression of escalating events. Knowing this is powerful as we can start looking at ways to avoid getting it to that stage as Molly says.  Derail the progression.

Visibility is a great tool. Get it in the open.

While a man's inclination might be to keep these things quiet, it is better to make it increasingly visible.  We might start with a joint meeting with the T or a clergy member (confidential) or a DV counselor. If things continue we can involve a brother, then maybe parents... and if the progression continues, the courts or law enforcement.

Start early - increase visibility in a stepwise progression.

Before you call the police, do some basic homework, as Waddams and Matt imply.  Talk to the local DV people and/or a lawyer.  Remember, once the police make an arrest, they are not obligated to drop the case even if both parties say "forget it".  This is entirely the district attorney's call and they will often delay resolution (making it expensive) and/or seek a contingent (e.g., community service, fine, classwork) deferred adjudication - and sometimes they prosecute.

[Matt]

Before you call the police, do some basic homework, as Waddams and Matt imply.  Talk to the local DV people and/or a lawyer.  Remember, once the police make an arrest, they are not obligated to drop the case even if both parties say "forget it".  This is entirely the district attorney's call and they will often delay resolution (making it expensive) and/or seek a contingent (e.g., community service, fine, classwork) deferred adjudication - and sometimes they prosecute.

This is an important point, because there are some things we think we know - maybe because of TV! - that I found out the hard way just aren't true.

One is, "If I didn't break any laws then I have nothing to worry about."  Once the police are called, as has been discussed here, it's almost certain they will make an arrest, and that means criminal charges.  And once charges are filed, it can be hard to get them dropped, because the prosecutor (unlike on "Law And Order") is not paid to drop the charges, or even to find the truth - she's paid to get convictions, especially in DV cases.

So once you are arrested and charged with something, there will be a lot of pressure - maybe even from your own attorney - to take a plea agreement, which means admitting to something illegal.  It may take months and thousands of dollars to get the charges dropped, and if the prosecutor decides not to drop them, you'll go to trial.  And if the accuser takes the stand and says you did something wrong - and if she cries! - there is a high you could be convicted, even if the evidence isn't there.

And we might believe that the other party will "come to her senses" and tell the truth about what happened, or forgive us if we did something wrong.  But to the prosecutor, that's not relevant;  once you are charged with a crime, even if the "victim" says you didn't do it, the prosecutor will assume the accuser might be under pressure, so the charges probably won't be dropped anyway.  Remember, the charges are filed by the police, not the accuser, and moved forward by the prosecutor.  So the idea that the accuser might "drop the charges" isn't how things really work - only the prosecutor or the judge can do that, and it's not likely.

All of which makes it super-important to avoid being charged in the first place...which means you need to avoid the DVish situation in the first place...

[Skip]

I have learned that since I am a woman, if I just act like I am stupid, keep my logical side hidden and just let everyone make assumptions, I have a chance, but the minute I try to play fair and be reasonable, I get totally screwed.. our system is set up to reward complainers, manipulators and professional victims, we reward passive aggressive behavior and punish people who dare to be assertive.  

It's important to know when we are situationally at risk for false DV reporting by an SO - and the time of greatest risk is when our partner decides to end the relationship.  25% of all divorces include claims of domestic abuse.

Why?

Restraining orders are great tools for women to use as they have profound benefits and little risk. They:

• Require the man to immediately vacate the house.
• Prohibit the man from communicating with children.
• Bar the man who works in the military or law enforcement from carrying a weapon, may result in loss of a security clearance, thus harming the person’s career opportunities.
• Impose substantial legal defense costs.

I'm not suggesting that there are not many cases where a women is justified and needs the protection of a restraining order.  There are.  What I am saying is that this tool is abused.

An estimated 2-3 million restraining orders are issued each year and it is estimated that about 60% are unnecessary or false.  In most cases, a judge issues a temporary order to the “petitioner” (or “claimant”) on an emergency ex parte basis. As a result, the accused (the “respondent”), unaware that the charge has been made, is not afforded the opportunity to contest or refute the accusations. The effect on the unsuspecting partner has been described by the Rutgers Law Review this way: “In ten days, the hypothetical husband has gone from having a normal life with a wife, children and home to being a social pariah, homeless, poor, and alone, trapped in a nightmare.”  

Restraining orders are easy to obtain because state laws now define domestic violence broadly, judges seldom require proof of abuse, and statutes invoke a “preponderance of evidence” standard.

False allegations are seen in both criminal and civil law cases.

Under criminal law, about one million persons are arrested each year for intimate partner violence. But only 33% of arrests for domestic violence result in a conviction, revealing that many persons are being wrongfully accused and incarcerated.

Under civil law, false allegations are even more widespread. One analysis of restraining orders concluded 80% were unnecessary or false.  Indeed, physical violence was not even alleged in half of all petitions for restraining orders, according to a Massachusetts Trial Court study.

So be warned - if the relationship is coming to an end and there is property or kids involved, you need to be proactive and prepared for this.  And be sure not to set yourself up in teh waning days of the relationship.

Data Source: Stop Abusive and Violent Environment, Rockville, MD 20849

[PDQuick]

If you are in a physically violent situation with a woman, and she is abusing you (or you are abusing her), get out of it now, because nothing good will come of it, and you might just find yourself downtown for a 2 day hiatus, getting 3 hots and a cot.

The truth of the matter is this. Men have a vastly higher potential to inflict physical harm upon women without weapons. Bring weapons into the mix, men are actually more able and willing to use them than women. It is fact. Men are more violent than women because of a substance called testosterone. It is wired into us.

Yes, there are women out there that will harm a man. The percentages are small as compared to men. The hard truth is, if you were assaulted more than once by a woman, you gave up the right to btch about it because you went back. You aren't the victim anymore, but a willing participant in the situation. Men have this mental image that they can handle anything a woman throws at them regarding physical altercations. That maybe true, and in my case it was, but, if I have a woman that is violent, and I think I can handle it, do I really expect my opinions toward her actions to be validated because she blows up again?

The divide is two fold. Women aren't as aggressive as men, and when they are, men can usually handle the abuse handed out. I realize this isnt true in all cases, but in most they are. But, when a man decides to use physical violence towards a woman, he usually can overpower her, and harm her significantly. That is why the laws are so stringent towards men.

All of the information for battered women suggest that they leave the situation immediately, and never return. Change all the he's to she's and all the his's to hers's and read it guys.  

[hopethereishope]

We allow the violence and hurt if we do not recognise it for what it is...

[PDQuick]

One thing is sure, if you are in a violent situation, you dont have enough self respect to remove yourself after the first occurance. I mean really, are we that deprived in life that we actually settle for a person that abuses us? Is this really what we have to accept? The answer is a resounding no, but in our minds at the time, we dont want to let it go, for fear of never loving again. Looking back, I was the dumbest man on the planet at the time. Fear of the unknown and future is more powerful than the fear I currently sit in? Puhleeze.