Should we move into uBPD exw neighborhood?

[Think About It...]

We have to wait until after the first of the year (probably Feb) no matter what, if the house isn't available then so be it. There are several others in area that would meet our needs. Our financial situation is also having an impact on what we can look at, and unfortunately, her neighborhood is one of only a few we can afford.

The community is small enough that the kids would not be able to ride the same bus to school if we DIDN'T live in her neighborhood, which means remembering different bus numbers and schedules The kids have to do so much of that already, I hate to add more if we don't have to. Ideally, I'd like the kids to be able to go back and forth on their own. Not sure how important it is for DH.

The main thing is that the kids have several good friends in the neighborhood . Their other friends live in a neighborhood we can't afford. We've pretty much decided that if we aren't staying in this neighborhood, it makes the most sense to be closer to the kids. The BioM community is such that going to the "city" where we are now, is like asking them to let their kids drive over to hell to hang out for a few hours. Despite being only about 20 minutes away, people just don't come here and see it as a major inconvenience to have to come all that way.

I believe I can help DH get to a place where we can keep our boundaries strong. He made great strides this weekend, and each time he sticks to a boundary he is stronger for the next time.

[problemfamily]

We have to wait until after the first of the year (probably Feb) no matter what, if the house isn't available then so be it. There are several others in area that would meet our needs. Our financial situation is also having an impact on what we can look at, and unfortunately, her neighborhood is one of only a few we can afford.

The community is small enough that the kids would not be able to ride the same bus to school if we DIDN'T live in her neighborhood, which means remembering different bus numbers and schedules The kids have to do so much of that already, I hate to add more if we don't have to. Ideally, I'd like the kids to be able to go back and forth on their own. Not sure how important it is for DH.

The main thing is that the kids have several good friends in the neighborhood . Their other friends live in a neighborhood we can't afford. We've pretty much decided that if we aren't staying in this neighborhood, it makes the most sense to be closer to the kids. The BioM community is such that going to the "city" where we are now, is like asking them to let their kids drive over to hell to hang out for a few hours. Despite being only about 20 minutes away, people just don't come here and see it as a major inconvenience to have to come all that way.

I believe I can help DH get to a place where we can keep our boundaries strong. He made great strides this weekend, and each time he sticks to a boundary he is stronger for the next time.

[problemfamily]

Just to give an idea - there are 7 elementary schools, 2 middle schools, a "freshman campus" and a high school in this community of about 7,000. Granted there is some busing from another zip code, but it's a pretty small area and the schools are excellent.


I made an appointment to look at a few houses in the area this week. I may completely change my mind on this if the homes in our price range really suck.

[MtnGirl]

Newwife, my DH and I live in a planned community about 1 to 1-1/2 miles from Vulture. Oddly enough, it turned out that the house I was already in the process of buying when DH and I met happened to be in the same community they lived in (she kept their marital home). Of course Vulture has commented a few times over the years that she is CERTAIN I bought my house SOLELY to bother her. Uh...crazy lady...you might want to consider that I didn't even know DH when I was buying the house. Oh, yeah - and that my world does NOT revolve around you, Vulture...yeesh. What a freak.

Anyway, the downside is that we have had 3 uninvited visits from her. The first including her opening our front door (DH forgot to lock it when he came in from getting something out of the car) at 7:30a with SSthen10 standing next to her, screaming at the top of her voice, "You had BETTER give me my check RIGHT NOW, exDH!", then stating to a dripping-wet-just-out-of-the-shower-and-only-in-a-towel DH, "I didn't open your door, Sthen10 did - this is HIS house too and he can do whatever he wants!" (we had been married only a few months at that time...and DH only has EOW and holidays visitation...).

The second visit (we had been married almost 1-1/2 years) consisted of her freaking out after seeing DH at the gym and terrorizing him there to the point that he left the gym, so she showed up on our doorstep, pounding on the door and ringing the doorbell while my Sthen13 was here, and DH's car was not even in the driveway - I was about to call the cops but DH showed up and dealt with her...which ended up with her SCREAMING obscenities at him in front of 3 of our neighbors.

The third visit happened at 9:30PM on a Saturday night during DH's visitation time, just this past May - the kids had apparently not called her by then (but DH had just picked them up at 6:00p the night before), so she thought it was ok to just show up on our doorstep and bang on the front door and ring the doorbell. At 9:30 at night. Uninvited. I handed the phone to DH and said, "Here - call the cops." What did he do? Handed the phone to the kids and told them to call their mother - who was standing on our front porch - and tell her that they are fine. Then he actually let them go out and see her. RIDICULOUS. NO boundaries.

I told him that she gets NO more chances, and that if she shows up on our doorstep one more time, I will call the police WHILE I videotape my front door, her pounding, me opening the door, and her standing there while I tell her she is trespassing. I don't care if the skids are here or not. If their mother (and DH) doesn't want the children to see her getting in trouble with the police, then she needs to behave appropriately. I don't care if the police show up at my house and the neighbors talk - I have no problem telling them all that my husband's ex-wife (who some people in my particular neighborhood know personally from a single's group, which Vulture was kicked out of because of her idiotic behavior) has behaved like a stalker and trespassed one too many times.

So, Newwife...I guess what I'm saying here is that the sanctity of privacy in your household will depend on the boundaries you and/or your DH are willing to set. HE cannot waiver. If he does, YOU cannot waiver, and you might have to deal with him feeling like you are running over him and his kids. TOUGH. It is YOUR house and life too, right? He needs to understand and respect that.

Best of luck in your decision.   

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[problemfamily]

Thanks.

I am prepared to call the police on her if she comes over any time there is no pre-arranged pick up or drop off. I also have no problem calling the police on her if she causes a scene at a pick up/drop off. I think I would have a mad DH on my hands, but I won't mess around with her at MY house. I also have no problem reporting a suspicious vehicle driving back and forth in front my house.  >:D

I babysat for her one day when SS was sick last year. When she came to pick him up DH wasn't home yet, so I trained our camera with video capability on the front door. I thought I was recording, she thought I was recording. Turns out I didn't hit the button right, and it didn't record, but she was sweet as pie thinking she was on camera.

             

[ForeverDad]

I thought I was recording, she thought I was recording. Turns out I didn't hit the button right, and it didn't record, but she was sweet as pie thinking she was on camera.

I hate that, times I thought I'd recorded and it didn't start or it ran out and stopped too soon!

[problemfamily]

It worked out well for me - she didn't step one toe out of line because she thought I was taping her. The ironic part was that I only intended to record it so DH could decipher how she was acting towards me, but she got nervous and acted nicely.


I think that she hasn't focused on me much because of the taping incident - she knows that I am not afraid to record her, and probably figures I am not worth the trouble.

[NorthernGirl]

My BF lives two blocks from UBPD ex.  The pros -- the youngest (special needs) can walk back and forth so UBPD doesn't have drive him.  The cons -- the youngest comes and goes when he feels like it (UBPD doesn't call when she sends him over or when he just wants to get away from her.)  She shows up at my BF's house unannounced (especially when she thinks my BF isn't home but one of the kids is.)  We see her when we are walking or driving in the neighborhood.  She expects my BF drive their son most places (she doesn't like to drive.)  She used to call to have my BF do "odd jobs" for her because it wasn't "out of his way."

If my BF and I marry, we will have a big debate about whether to live close or far away from her.  I'd probably go for the second option (maybe VERY far away?) but for the sake of his son, I'm sure my BF would prefer to stay close.

[MtnGirl]

I think that she hasn't focused on me much because of the taping incident - she knows that I am not afraid to record her, and probably figures I am not worth the trouble.

AWESOME, Newwife...absolutely AWESOME. You've already prepped your DH, methinks. If he's anything like my DH, he might get mad at the prospect of the kids witnessing police trouble...or her being hauled off to jail for trespassing...but THAT is exactly what SHE is counting on. I've told my DH enough times that Vulture is sure she can bully him all she wants and he won't do a darn thing because of the kids...

...now ME, on the other hand - she has NO idea what I will do. She pushed me one too many times the last time she showed up here. We sent her an e-mail warning (assuming, that is, that DH actually sent it - I wrote it, e-mailed it to him, and he was SUPPOSED to send it) regarding trespassing and telling her that any future unannounced and uninvited visits will be treated as such and the police WILL be called.

Winter break should be interesting, as we have the kids for the full two weeks, and we have plans to 'allow' her to see them for 4 hours on Christmas Day, and maybe for lunch, dinner, or JUST a movie on one other day, just like she did to DH last year. She claimed that he didn't let her see them AT ALL except for Christmas Day the year before, though he had actually let them have dinner with her one night, spend the 4 hours on Christmas with her AND go home four DAYS early the year before.

She does know now for certain that we have a video camera, because she saw DH taping a play SD10 was in last week. (That's a whole other thread) Hopefully that will stick in her mind. Maybe I'm a just a big mean stepmonster, but I have no problem with the kids seeing the police show up here and hearing us tell the police she was trespassing while showing the police the video, and knowing that the police will be going to her house to give her a written warning (which means she goes to jail the next time she does it). I told DH I feel that, sadly, the kids need to know EXACTLY what their mom is - a troublemaking, lying, nasty person...and then maybe they will start understanding any confusion they are having about her behavior towards them (lovey-dovey and sweet one minute, screaming and fact-twisting banshee the next).

Newwife, it's truly no fun knowing you can run into the freakjob in the grocery store at any time, but it sounds to me like you have a handle on what needs to be done if you find yourselves moving to the area for the kids' sakes. I must say that my skids are never allowed to just come up here and visit us, even if my S14 wanted SS12 to hang out for a few hours in an afternoon - heaven forbid either of the skids should be with their evil stepmother when DH is not around! A blessing and a curse, I suppose...that much less I have to deal with the nutjob, but that much more she is allowed to poison their minds. SS12 has even said to me straight up, "Um, no offense MtnGirl, but Mom doesn't have any problem with S14...she, um...well...", so I said to him, "What you're trying to say is that she doesn't want you around ME, right? Please understand, SS12, that that is unreasonable and is based only on jealousy. I hope you will see past that and understand that S14 AND I would be more than happy to have you be able to come up and hang out when you can."

YOU are ready to handle living close to her, though at times you might feel the need to move away again...your DH WILL need to be strong and maintain ABSOLUTE boundaries. Not sure if your situation is like ours - in my opinion Vulture is a low-level stalker. She cannot move on because no other man has been willing to keep her around...and every time she has nothing else to keep her occupied (man, or a female party-buddy), she tries to get DH to come back to her and she cannot live without her kids around (because heaven forbid she should be alone with herself!). If you aren't dealing with that, your problems may not be the same as mine!

[problemfamily]

I think by the time the week is up, DH will "get" it.

There was an incident at transfer this morning. He did not engage her and at this moment is filing out a report to the FOC about her behavior. I think he's done. !

This gives me hope that he will be able to handle it after all.

[problemfamily]

We are getting closer to the time when we can make decisions about where we will look to buy. We stopped in the grocery store in BioM town for a few things before picking the skids up this evening. It felt very strange. My head and most of my heart is ok with living in BioM town, but I sure felt funny shopping in  "her" grocery store.

[Breakingfree9]

My experience so far (just a few months) of living within a 10 minute drive is OK. I love sharing my daughters activities and knowing all of her preschool friends' parents. I spent the first 8 months of our separation 1,100 miles away.

I don't need to repeat the boundary message. I'll just say that my experience is that when faced with a boundary that the uBPDxw doesn't like, she rages.

These people just don't understand boundaries at all.

Here's a weird thing. I dropped my 41/2DD off at uBPDxw house last night at 6 and uBPDxw answered the door in just a robe. I made sure to look down at my 31/2 foot tall daughter the whole time. I didn't look up once. Weird. A different kind of boundary violation, but one nonetheless.

[problemfamily]

Well, we have been preapproved and are planning to make an offer on the house. DH and I are both feeling good about the decision.  He has gained some really good perspective in the last month or so related to boundaries with BioM, which have had a positive impact on ME feeling better about things, including letting go of some of my feelings of responsibility with the kids and dealing with BioM. It was very freeing to decide that I would contact the police if she showed up at our home uninvited. Not sure why that made such a difference for me, but it did.

Thanks for all the advice and thoughts.