It's like clockwork. And I need help with a response.

[Think About It....]

Anytime there is any legal stuff going on, he starts with the e-mails.    Today I heard from my L that he is not willing to increase the support voluntarily, even though he was caught lying about having his hours cut after being warned by the judge.  So she is filing a motion to change the provional orders again, going back to the original amount.  So I should have expected him to do something. 

Check out this e-mail exchange.

From him (third identical e-mail in 1 hour...like I don't have anything to do but wait for him to send me things):

Nothing sent 1 minute ago in error. I will be forced to leave here at 1400, if no answer by then, have my kids call me on the cell.

Also kids stated earlier they do not go to bed until 0200 for S14 and midnight for S12, please make sure they get enough rest for school.

Did they get their report cards for the period?

My reply, which is a little longer than normal:

The earliest they will be available is 4:15 and S9 gets out of basketball practice at 4:30. S6 is in bed by 8, except for Thursdays when he is visiting you. S9 gets tucked in at 9.  S12 is usually in bed no later than 10, sometimes earlier if he's tired.  S14 heads to his room around 11.  The first week after Christmas break it was difficult to get them back on schedule after they returned home. Things are back to normal now.

 

No, they have not received the report cards yet.  It should be any day.  I will send copies.

His reply:

Great, S14 should be forced into an earlier routine. I will probably go to see S9’s practice when I get off and will get the other boys at 1630.

I assume you are picking the animals up in Axxxx tonight.

And my final reply:

I will make sure they are ready and I will pick them up tonight as planned.  And even after break, S14 and S12 weren't staying up that late.  How on Earth would they be able to get up for school the next day?  I will work on S14, but he has always had a hard time falling asleep.


The only reason I added more than the normal 3 sentences is that I know he will be using this somehow.  I just wanted to be specific and head off further questions.  And am I wrong thinking that 11 is a reasonable time for a high school student to be in bed?  Heck, a lot of his friends stay up way later than that. 

Ok, great...another one.  He is off his flipping rocker!    Here's the new one:

I know there were many nights I would wake up at 4619 and David was on the computer( very late 0200), so I can only believe what he stated. I ordered him to bed right them and there. He got up then.

I know how it was and can only assume it is worse. Also is there a battery in the smoke detector? I had a bad dream!

 

I am leaving now. 

OK...now how the heck do I respond?  Here is what I have written, but I need someone to make any necessary modifications before I send it.

I am not going to argue about this.  First, there is a battery in the smoke detector. Second, I am here with them and am aware of what is happening. During the summer, on weekends, and over breaks, they do sometimes stay up later, but not during the school week. Your assumption is unfair.  I have not made an issue of you taking them out of state every weekend and break, questioned the sleeping arrangements for them while they are there, or your parenting choices.  I will handle caring for them while they are with me and you can handle it while they are with you.

Help!

[2bad2stay]

Anytime there is any legal stuff going on, he starts with the e-mails.    Today I heard from my L that he is not willing to increase the support voluntarily, even though he was caught lying about having his hours cut after being warned by the judge.  So she is filing a motion to change the provional orders again, going back to the original amount.  So I should have expected him to do something. 

Check out this e-mail exchange.

From him (third identical e-mail in 1 hour...like I don't have anything to do but wait for him to send me things):

Nothing sent 1 minute ago in error. I will be forced to leave here at 1400, if no answer by then, have my kids call me on the cell.

Also kids stated earlier they do not go to bed until 0200 for S14 and midnight for S12, please make sure they get enough rest for school.

Did they get their report cards for the period?

My reply, which is a little longer than normal:

The earliest they will be available is 4:15 and S9 gets out of basketball practice at 4:30. S6 is in bed by 8, except for Thursdays when he is visiting you. S9 gets tucked in at 9.  S12 is usually in bed no later than 10, sometimes earlier if he's tired.  S14 heads to his room around 11.  The first week after Christmas break it was difficult to get them back on schedule after they returned home. Things are back to normal now.

 

No, they have not received the report cards yet.  It should be any day.  I will send copies.

His reply:

Great, S14 should be forced into an earlier routine. I will probably go to see S9’s practice when I get off and will get the other boys at 1630.

I assume you are picking the animals up in Axxxx tonight.

And my final reply:

I will make sure they are ready and I will pick them up tonight as planned.  And even after break, S14 and S12 weren't staying up that late.  How on Earth would they be able to get up for school the next day?  I will work on S14, but he has always had a hard time falling asleep.


The only reason I added more than the normal 3 sentences is that I know he will be using this somehow.  I just wanted to be specific and head off further questions.  And am I wrong thinking that 11 is a reasonable time for a high school student to be in bed?  Heck, a lot of his friends stay up way later than that. 

Ok, great...another one.  He is off his flipping rocker!    Here's the new one:

I know there were many nights I would wake up at 4619 and David was on the computer( very late 0200), so I can only believe what he stated. I ordered him to bed right them and there. He got up then.

I know how it was and can only assume it is worse. Also is there a battery in the smoke detector? I had a bad dream!

 

I am leaving now. 

OK...now how the heck do I respond?  Here is what I have written, but I need someone to make any necessary modifications before I send it.

I am not going to argue about this.  First, there is a battery in the smoke detector. Second, I am here with them and am aware of what is happening. During the summer, on weekends, and over breaks, they do sometimes stay up later, but not during the school week. Your assumption is unfair.  I have not made an issue of you taking them out of state every weekend and break, questioned the sleeping arrangements for them while they are there, or your parenting choices.  I will handle caring for them while they are with me and you can handle it while they are with you.

Help!

[Oy-vey!]

Response:

My home is safe.  The children have appropriate and reasonable bedtimes for their ages while at my home.

THAT IS IT.

[dutchie]

Yes go with Oy-Vey. To the point, factual, good!

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[laurena82]

Hi  2B2S,

I'm not familiar with your situation, but your profile lists "him" as "UBPDSTBxH"...so I"m assuming all of this communication with him is because you're still used to having to do this because married.

You dont have to anymore...You dont have to anymore...You dont have to anymore.

Examples:

Nothing sent 1 minute ago in error. I will be forced to leave here at 1400, if no answer by then, have my kids call me on the cell.
how weird: 
"have MY kids call me on THE cell".
...are they not YOUR kids also?  and is it not HIS cell they are calling?  Shouldnt this say, "have THE kids call me on MY cell"?  You shouldnt have to read this stuff...

Also kids stated earlier they do not go to bed until 0200 for S14 and midnight for S12, please make sure they get enough rest for school.
Ignore.  he makes the rules in his home...not yours

Did they get their report cards for the period?
call the school and have them send copies of all parental stuff like reportcards to him...tell him you've notified school to do so, and if he doesnt receive them, to contact the school

The earliest they will be available is 4:15 and S9 gets out of basketball practice at 4:30. S6 is in bed by 8, except for Thursdays when he is visiting you. S9 gets tucked in at 9.  S12 is usually in bed no later than 10, sometimes earlier if he's tired.  S14 heads to his room around 11.  The first week after Christmas break it was difficult to get them back on schedule after they returned home. Things are back to normal now.

Great, S14 should be forced into an earlier routine. I will probably go to see S9’s practice when I get off and will get the other boys at 1630.ignore.

I assume you are picking the animals up in Axxxx tonight.
I'm not sure what this is about?  Do you have visitation of animals as well? Is this any of his business?

I will make sure they are ready and I will pick them up tonight as planned.  And even after break, S14 and S12 weren't staying up that late.  How on Earth would they be able to get up for school the next day?  I will work on S14, but he has always had a hard time falling asleep.

I know there were many nights I would wake up at 4619 and David was on the computer( very late 0200), so I can only believe what he stated. I ordered him to bed right them and there. He got up then.

I know how it was and can only assume it is worse. Also is there a battery in the smoke detector? I had a bad dream!

ignore...at this point, I'd be ready to block emails!  ...geesh!...


Even this is more than necessary:
I am not going to argue about this.  First, there is a battery in the smoke detector. Second, I am here with them and am aware of what is happening. During the summer, on weekends, and over breaks, they do sometimes stay up later, but not during the school week. Your assumption is unfair.  I have not made an issue of you taking them out of state every weekend and break, questioned the sleeping arrangements for them while they are there, or your parenting choices.  I will handle caring for them while they are with me and you can handle it while they are with you.


He sounds incredibly obsessive and controlling.

I can see why it's gonna take you a while to "acclimate" to "normal" after having lived with this 24/7...geesh!

 x

[sonnyboy]

Oi vey's sample response is, as usual, spot on.  I have a point though -- why respond to his editorials about your parenting choices?  He has no jurisdiction in your home.   If you are parallel parenting, and you should be, why in the hell should you have to answer his ridiculous queries about batteries in smoke detectors?

He needs to worry about what he does on his watch.    If possible, send him the high conflict parenting article, and let him know that you are going to follow those guidelines for no or low contact.

SB

[Mousse]

Wow...what a nut.  I love the pretentious use of military time in a civilian operation  


Oy-vey and Laurena have given you good scripts, 2bad.  Use them like a broken record.

[treadingwater]

I love Oy-Vey's response.  And you can just copy and paste the same words {or ignore} if he chooses to repeatedly try to engage you.  I'm so sorry!

[2bad2stay]

Thanks, guys.  I am still trying to get the hang of this.  At least I had enough sense to not send anything more without asking here first.   

Oy- Thanks.  That's perfect. I think I will copy and paste that.

Laurena- The situation is that we are not divorced yet, but getting closer.  I currently have an Order of Protection which I am hoping will be made permanent and we are only allowed to communicate by e-mail regarding kid issues.  So blocking the e-mails would not be an option.  If he can't reach me by e-mail, he can then call.  That would be worse.

Wait...I just had an "ah-ha" moment!  He has violated the PO 29 times so far via e-mails about other stuff and a few calls (long story as to why this hasn't landed him in hot water...not my choice, but our local court system).  A couple of weeks ago, after another legal meeting, he sent another non-kid e-mail that I wouldn't respond to.  Then another one asking why.  I copied those to a friend in an e-mail and said "Hey, checck this out.  Why won't I respond?  He needs to read the PO again.  It's not about the kids.  This makes violation #28.  I'll be sending this one to the lawyer, too."  Well, I accidently sent it to him instead of the friend.    He responded by saying that he will only deal with kid stuff in the future, onsider that violation #29, and to send that e-amil to the L, too.     Oh, well. At least he knows why I don't respond.  Which leads to my realization.  Now he is going after the kid stuff so he's, in his mind, not violating the PO!

"The animals" he is referring to would be the kids.   

And, yes, he is exceptionally obsessive and controlling.  I think that in most areas, I have done an exceptional job of learning "normal" after being with him for over 15 years and only being out 6 months.  I am thnkful every single day that I am out of that.

Mousse- The milatary time thing.  Yes it is annoying.  That started when we used to work together because it was with the railroad and everything runs on military time.  Then he moved to another branch of transportation, which also uses it.  It's more habit than anything after years of having to use it.  That part doesn't even phase me.  I can easily work with military time.

Well, off to copy and paste the short response.  I have a feeling that will lead to forwarding several things to my L today.  When this isn't working anymore, I know he will be looking for the next thing to control.  Actually, I might just wait, talk to the L, and send a response after he picks up the kids for they weekend.  That way he won't take it out on them.

[belleliseuse]

"The animals" he is referring to would be the kids.   

!

[laurena82]

Now he is going after the kid stuff so he's, in his mind, not violating the PO!

Ok, so the guy has no life, and is now going to sit around bombarding you with trivial emails regarding "kid" issues such as what time they should sleep or whatever while on YOUR parenting time, how you maintain YOUR home, etc etc.

Just because he sends them to you, does NOT consititute a need for you to respond/reply.

Because the PO says he can ONLY contact you re: kid issues is NOT the same as saying YOU must RESPOND to EVERY "kid issue" he writes you about!

Unless your court order REQUIRES you to inform him of some specifically named thing regarding the kids...you dont need to tell him BOO about the kids?  ! ! 

(my nonSO's UPBDxW was calling him NUMEROUS TIMES A DAY with her tirades of what awful parenting he did with older SS...*meanwhile*...younger SS broke his arm, had it set, etc, in a cast...while on her watch...and she NEVER informed nonSODad of it at all!...)

Yup...pick the few things you NEED to converse about (time/location of drop off /pick ups) and send that as your only response.  D*E*L*E*T*E the rest!


It is SOOOOOOOOOOO typical for these BPD's to be able to "engage" the non by pushing the right buttons, so that you feel compelled to reply and "Explain" yourself...my non fell into this trap EVERY time!

But know what?  He can explain him self (with iron clad logic) til the cows come home...and the BPD does NOT  *hear* any of it...

THe BPD just twists it into the NEXT tirade...to which he now feels compelled to defend himself against...


...on and on...

ad nauseum...



delete, delete, delete...


sigh...


BEST WISHES! x