TOOLS: Radical Acceptance for family members

[Auspicious]

This is a good discussion

That is an interesting article, skip!  Years ago, something I heard on Dr. Laura (of all things) really stuck in my head (I'm paraphrasing from memory here): "Happiness is not the same thing as pleasure. Pleasure is what you feel when the chocolate hits your tongue, or your body parts touch another person's. Happiness is that good feeling of well being you can have about yourself when you are treating other people well and meeting your responsibilities. Mindless pursuit of pleasure ultimately works against happiness".

Regarding radical acceptance ... for me it means accepting that the brick wall really is made of brick, and it's always going to be harder than my head, no matter how good I get at beating my head against it. I will never break a hole in the brick wall that way. I can try to go over or around the wall, I can even have a picnic next to it, but all the wishing, hoping, and gnashing of teeth in the world will never let me break through it with my head.

[arjay]

It is interesting how our experiences with a BPD, have pushed us "outside our comfort zone", forced us to look introspectively and ask some very basic questions about ourselves.  These are things I would likely have never done, without going through several years of dealing with what was complete irrationality at times in my relationship/marriage. 

"Acceptance" was a word I heard over and over in my head, in recognizing two people in a relationship where one is BPD, do not see life or experience it the same way.  It was as though "she" was speaking one language and I was speaking another.  My initial "quest" was to make her understand and speak "my" language, because "I knew I was right".  I frustrated myself, tormented myself, became depressed at times, was unhappy, didn't smile, lost perspective and interest in the very things I once had treasured.

After all the reading, counseling, meditation, sharing with other "nons", I have come away realizing that all I had to do, and all I really needed to work on, was not trying to "change her view", but simply "accept" that we are not all the same.  It does not mean however that we cannot share life and love together, but means  I need to quit trying to be "right" in my views of life, and simply accept that not all relationships and people should act or be the same.  Looking back however, I also understand that it takes a certain level of emotional maturity, to be able to not only grasp the concept of radical acceptance, but to live life with it in mind.  My experiences with a BPD have pushed me to new levels of growth.  Isn't that the point of a relationship?

 

[Mousse]

I don't know how to put this properly, and I swear I'm not trying to make trouble.

I know we are talking about "relatively healthy" relationships with disordered people, but I wonder...I stayed in my marriage and put up with physical and verbal abuse to maintain a seemingly loving relationship between my son and his father.  When it was "just" slaps, and the occasional screamed nasty names, I put up with it, until I got too angry and envisioned greater happiness for myself.  Then it all escalated.

Could I have radically accepted a slap here and there that really wasn't so painful, and could that have actually lead to some kind of improvement, down the line, when I stopped letting it be a fight for control between the two of us?  Like maybe he would have gotten tired of that when he saw it didn't have an effect, and I accepted him for who he was? He still would have been sick, and occasionally abusive, but maybe he wouldn't hit me anymore.  I got the sense that he never really enjoyed doing it.  What if I had tried harder to turn the other cheek and accept that it might happen?  Would it have changed things?

Believe it or not, I'm actually asking this question, based on these articles, and the knowledge that 99% of the world's population is worse off then I was back then.  I think of the violence Gandhi and his followers, in the past and today, withstand in the name of loving their enemies, and I wonder if I could/should have tried harder to use peace and acceptance to stop the violence in my family.

[arjay]

Mousse brings up some really good points, but I think the confusion for those contemplating "radical acceptance", includes wondering if this means the "non" simply "caves in" to the BPDSO and their behavior.  "Caving-in" to me is wrong and suggests one without boundaries, something that do need to be in place as well.

My opinion is that "Radical acceptance", is only "one" of the tools we can use in trying to develop a meaningful relationship with a BPD, but those tools do include "healthy boundaries"  and us being emotionally strong too.  It means we "quit trying to change them", expect them to somehow "see the light", and for us to simply accept that they are "emotionall ill" and do not see life the way we do.  As with even healthy relationships however, we still do need boundaries and to articulate those boundaries as a way of protecting ourselves.  Without healthy boundaries we are simply "offering ourselves up" to be abused, mistreated and hurt by someone "emotionally ill".  Even in healthy relationships, we have boundaries such as not tolerating abuse, infidelity, drug use and so on.  Boundaries are even more essential in BPD relationships, because they are emotionally immature, and need to learn them too.

So I see the goal here as "accepting the cards we have been dealt", and doing the best we can, to develop a lasting relationship with the person we love.  It recognizes "their" sickness/disorder (the radical acceptance part), yet still includes using tools like "boundaries", self-help, counseling for ourselves and so on, to develop the best relationship we can.  It does not mean we simply go "belly up".  It simply means we accept they "are" emotionally ill, and may never change.  It means the "non" becomes the mature, wise and understanding one in the relationship.  That does not include accepting abuse, but recognizes the "nons" boundaries may be constantly challenged too.

We all remember Christopher Reeve going from "Superman" to quadraplegic.  It took "radical acceptance" for his wife to realize he would never be the man he was, yet continue to find meaning in the relationship.  It also took tremendous radical acceptance for him to realize he would never be the man he was, but still find meaning in his life, something he absolutely did (He and his wife's foundation).

[Auspicious]

Could I have radically accepted a slap here and there that really wasn't so painful, and could that have actually lead to some kind of improvement, down the line, when I stopped letting it be a fight for control between the two of us?  Like maybe he would have gotten tired of that when he saw it didn't have an effect, and I accepted him for who he was? He still would have been sick, and occasionally abusive, but maybe he wouldn't hit me anymore.  I got the sense that he never really enjoyed doing it.  What if I had tried harder to turn the other cheek and accept that it might happen?  Would it have changed things?

I don't think so.  Everything I've read and heard about domestic violence indicates that it increases when unchecked.

Radical acceptance is for things you can't change.  But you can set boundaries against abuse.

[Auspicious]

My opinion is that "Radical acceptance", is only "one" of the tools we can use in trying to develop a meaningful relationship with a BPD, but those tools do include "healthy boundaries"  and us being emotionally strong too. 

[...]

So I see the goal here as "accepting the cards we have been dealt", and doing the best we can, to develop a lasting relationship with the person we love.  It recognizes "their" sickness/disorder (the radical acceptance part), yet still includes using tools like "boundaries", self-help, counseling for ourselves and so on, to develop the best relationship we can.  It does not mean we simply go "belly up".  It simply means we accept they "are" emotionally ill, and may never change. 

I agree.

I have to radically accept that "just speaking my mind" and "just trying to get it across to her" is never going to work, no matter how many times I try it.

I don't have to accept abuse of any kind.  I don't even have to stop trying to ask for what I want. I do have to accept that I can't change what I can't change.

If I really, really wish that I were six feet tall, but I'm only five feet tall, then radical acceptance is a great tool for that situation. I have to accept that I will never be six feet tall.

I don't have to accept that I can't reach things on the top shelf - I just need to learn a different way to do it.

[Skip]

I wonder if I could/should have tried harder to use peace and acceptance to stop the violence in my family.

Radical acceptance is not always obvious on the surface... it takes time to understand it.

The key sentence in your post, Mousse, is really the one highlighted above.

Opening Post: The prime dissatisfaction for many of us is the sense that we are unworthy according to Tara Brach, PhD. We aren’t enough, we don’t do enough, we don’t have enough.  We live in a trance of unworthiness. It’s a trance because the pain of KNOWING the unworthy feelings is rather deep. So we keep really busy, so there’s no time to sit and know. We embark on self-improvement projects to try to be good enough. We avoid risks to avoid more pain. We withdraw from knowing our current experience.  We become self-critics. And like most self critics, we also become critical of others.  The trance of unworthiness involves being in close touch with a self that’s fearful, wanting, feeling alone and separate.  The self caught in desire, aversion , delusion. It means losing sight of the self who’s connected, whole, in the ‘fullness of being.’

Radical acceptance in this case most likely is about accepting that it was an unfair situation, accepting that you have some doubt - the answer wasn't black and white and that is OK, accepting that you did some things right and some wrong and that is OK, accepting that it is in the past and done - accepting all these feelings but at the same time letting go of the fears and the paralyzing aspects of them.

I hope this example helps.  It is a difficult concept to grasp (I'm just learning it myself)...

 xoxox
Skippy

[DreamGirl]

This concept of "Radical Acceptance", I am intrigued. 

There's a quote by W.W. Bartley that I found solace in as I've traveled my journey...

"For every ailment under the sun...There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it."

In essence, it's much like the serenity prayer. Accept the things I can not change.

I've made necessary steps. I've accepted the chaos and have chosen to attempt to come from a place of understanding rather than embracing my resentment and discontent. Rather than knowing how things "should be" or even "could be", I've realized how things just "are".

My husband's ex wife is diagnosed bipolar/BPD. 

Right now, at this moment, my husband is driving halfway across town to appease a ridiculous request made by her but ultimately benefits the girls.  I'm not mad. I'm not jealous. I just accept it. I rearrange my thoughts just knowing that this scenario is so much better than an alternative.  He does it for his daughters, he sets the example to be followed while she sets the one not to be...and by golly, they are getting it.

She is so much more than her mental illness. I have begun humanizing this beast I have manifested in my mind. I could never see how my husband could ever love this woman who did such horrible things to him, until I better understood her mental illness and realized that most of her actions centered around her self doubt and ultimate pain and hurt. He did love her, just like so many of the posters on this board still love their significant others. I began seeing her in a different light even though she continued to act the same.

It's just hard sometimes, figuring out where the person "who deals with it" begins and the person who "stands up for herself" ends.  The lines are hazy most of the time.  I want to be proud of how I've reacted and sometimes I'm not.  So it's a learning process.

I'm not there yet.  Just give me time.

[oceanheart]

Almost exactly 3 years ago today, I wrote a post at BPDR about getting an unexpected phone call from the man over whom I had the breakdown that led to my eventual recovery. It was about  5 months since we had talked – and almost exactly a year since my breakdown – and I was surprised by his call, and it brought up some hard emotions, even though we talked like old friends and had a fun time. This is what I wrote 3 years ago, right after I hung up with him:

Quote from my BPDR post:
Every moment has its own beauty…

..even this intolerable moment right now, this moment of nothing but pain, tears filling up all of the space of this one forever moment. After this moment I can't get through is another one just as hard as the other. But then this moment I have now I am not crying so hard. And this moment here is bringing me a bittersweet longing that hurts, but that I can manage.

The best thing I have learned about [for my recovery] is the joy of being here, now. I think that's what I meant when I told you last time we talked about happiness being portable. Every moment has its own beauty. It has been very freeing to see that I am in control of how I react to life. It's a challenge to deal creatively with boring or unpleasant moments, and I don't always succeed, but because I have accepted the moment as all I truly have, I've been fortunate to experience more - as I think you called them - moments of clarity: like while riding in a car, being annoyed by the way the sun was flickering in and out of the trees and hurting my eyes, but then just accepting it and closing them and being treated to a delightful light show of reds and yellows, like a live squirming painting that only I could see.

I really wish he would not have called in this night's moments: not after my healing 5 months of having the last of his voice fading away from my mind so that I didn't recognize it tonight at first; not this week - this week that makes it a year since...; not during this time when I'm planning the ritual to free me of that year-heavy load of pain.

But he did call. And we talked very easily, like old friends. And it was good to hear the voice I had forgotten. Missing him felt like an ache in the very skin of me. But I was happy he was happy even though he's now very far away, I had no idea he was so far away now. And we laughed about how evil dolphins are and other silly things. And we made it okay between us again, and said goodbye again.

This moment is not intolerable even if I wish there was no pain in this one, because this moment is the only one I have and I choose - no matter what it contains - to make it precious and beautiful and all mine.

That's my take on it as a person who had BPD. It would apply to loved ones of people with BPD mostly through accepting that the person with BPD is not who you want them to be - they are mentally ill. Yes, recovery may come. But it is not here NOW. Now they are mentally ill. To accept that is to accept reality, which is a form of grace [like Skip's article mentioned]. It's "radical" in the way a radical mastectomy is: brutal, but necessary. It is what it is, not what we wish it to be. Suffering - like someone already has said - comes when what want and how the world really is don't match. So choose which one to change. I'd go with the easier one...

[harmony1]

Radical acceptance for me=

I dont take abuse..he owns his feeling and thoughts..I have had to back off in my need to fix him

I accept he is limited..I accept what he can give to me..NOT what I think he should..this doesnt mean that i take any abuse though..He has subjected to to verbal and severe emotional abuse.  I realize he has an illness and it isnt personal

I accept that he will be this way forever unless and until he starts to get out of denial about his illness..(this seems to be occurring more and more)

I step back and do not enable him to effect my daily decisions as I used to .  I take care of me and make plans to be financially independent if he decides to leave. 

I have accepted that one day he may just up and leave..

I hope this adds to this thread and doesnt seem like I have gotten cold to him..in fact quite the opposite has occured..

One important step was me radically accepting MY PART in allowing the abuse to begin with

[Peaceful.]

For those looking for additional resources, there are a few hours of Tara Brach's  speeches available here on Dhamma Web as mp3 files.

[JoannaK]

Essential reading for almost everybody here. 

Some of us, those who were in a romantic relationship with someone with bpd that has ended and no shared children, don't have to radically accept that someone in our life has a mental illness..  We don't have to understand what that means and how that impacts us and those that we love.   

But everybody else here, people with bpd parents, people with bpd children, people sharing children with someone with bpd, people married to someone with bpd who wish to remain so, people who have a spouse or family member who shares children with someone with bpd, will find that they cannot "escape" the fact that their life is impacted by someone with bpd. 

As UFN wrote above:

When faced with a painful situation, you really have only 4 options:

* Solve the problem.

* Change how you feel about the problem.

* Accept it.

* Stay miserable; continue to be a victim.

Does this mean that you accept abuse?  No, of course not...   Abuse could be seen as a problem that must be solved.  If a child that you care about is being abused, you may attempt to solve that problem also.  But what if you attempt to intervene on behalf of a child that you think is being abused and the abuse is found to be "unfounded"?  What then?  That would be a situation in which "radical acceptance" might come into play.  You may have done all that you can do to get the child out of that situation.  You may not wish to change your feeling that the child is being abused and that is wrong.  But you can accept it (doesn't mean it's o.k.) and do whatever you can to provide a healthy environment for the child.  Or you can lose sleep for years, wake up every morning in a high degree of stress and anger, and generally start to hate life because the authorities don't see the abuse for what it is. 

You accept what you cannot change...   You try to live your life with peace and harmony.  It beats staying miserable and becoming a victim.  That's when bitterness starts to set in.  When bitterness starts to set in, life may stop being worthwhile. 

Radical acceptance does not mean accepting abuse.  Radical acceptance does not mean agreeing when you don't agree.  Radically acceptance means accepting that some things cannot or will not be changed.  It may mean you stop harping, stop trying to change something, stop trying to control what someone else is doing. 

[JoannaK]

Another thought about "radical acceptance":

The opposite of radical acceptance is something like:  "I'm in a lousy situation, bad things are happening here; therefore, I deserve to be resentful; I deserve to be angry.  I want my anger; I want to suffer."

Many people in bad situations may have some of this feeling when they first realize that they are in a difficult situation.  But if it continues... then it becomes a problem.  It's not that we don't "have a right" to be upset, annoyed, whatever, whenever something pertaining to the difficult situation ratchets up, but if we don't shake ourselves loose from the anger and the resentment fairly quickly, then we can really start to suffer and lose our lives and our spirit. 
 

[Auspicious]

It's not that we don't "have a right" to be upset, annoyed, whatever, whenever something pertaining to the difficult situation ratchets up, but if we don't shake ourselves loose from the anger and the resentment fairly quickly, then we can really start to suffer and lose our lives and our spirit. 

Very, very insightful!

[Christy2]

I finally got around to reading this in its entirety (after referring to it many times).  It really sounds so much like the last stage of the grief cycle - acceptance.  In grieving the death of someone we love, acceptance is the only healthy option.  You cannot bring them back, life must go on without them.  The challenge in radical acceptance in a relationship with a living being is that there are still options - you could leave, you could stay and work on it, you could accept without resentment or you can go for the gusto. On any given day, any one of those options may seem like the optimal one.  For some of us, does radical acceptance mean accepting the fact that we will likely never feel content in this life - we will always feel pulled in different directions by the options available to us - is THAT is what we have to accept?

[arjay]

For some of us, does radical acceptance mean accepting the fact that we will likely never feel content in this life - we will always feel pulled in different directions by the options available to us - is THAT is what we have to accept?

A level of "contentment" may actually be achieved through "acceptance", just as the serenity prayer suggests...

When we are no longer "attached to outcome", meaning expecting things a certain way, we can often find a level of contentment and peace...

[Christy2]

...we can often find a level of contentment and peace...

yes, a "level" of contentment, but not complete.  So in some cases, radical acceptance may mean becoming "content with our lack of contentment."

[Auspicious]

yes, a "level" of contentment, but not complete.  So in some cases, radical acceptance may mean becoming "content with our lack of contentment."

You might become more content if you leave - a better level of contentment.

But I don't think that complete contentment is on offer in this life, is it?

[Christy2]

But I don't think that complete contentment is on offer in this life, is it?

Sorry it took me so long to respond, Auspicious.  I have had alot going on and not been online as much.  Also wanted to give this some thought. 

No, total contentment is not an offer in life on this side.  I have to admit though, that when I think of accepting things as they are in my life right now indefinitely, I lose interest in life.  Stop excercising, stop eating well, etc.  There seems to be some fundamental change in my psyche for the negative.  On the other hand, if I think about moving toward having the option to leave, I care again.  For me its the "option to leave" that holds the key.  Some might say that if I'm still thinking about leaving, I haven't radically accepted.  But for me, its more knowing what I can handle short term versus long term.  i.e. - I very much want to unload my life of much of the material "stuff" that loads it down right now, but my husband seems to want to collect more and more material stuff.  This is one of those fundamental differences in attitude on life, perhaps seperate from BPD and all its issues.  Either we will reach a place of compromise where we both can feel content, or it will eventually drive us apart.  Ten years from now, I want to be spending the vast majority of my time DOING not collecting and cleaning.  I have to have that option in front of me, or I wither emotionally.   

[momofrage]

I've read this several times now over the last few months. Sometimes I am more successful at the radical acceptance than other times. I know it takes repeated practice.

But how do you apply this to a bpdDD17 who is self-harming and threatening suicide repeatedly? I can't just accept that she may be killing herself in her bedroom and just roll over and go to sleep. Someone needs to save her from herself. And yet the DBT therapist says that hiding in the hospital is not the solution, and I know she's right.

I have accepted already that she is very ill, that she may never finish college or be self-supporting or even able to live on her own, or have a healthy long-term relationship. I have accepted that I will probably outlive her. I have accepted that the stress of her BPD will probably kill my DH soon (OK, I lied - I still resent that one, I haven't accepted it yet). I have accepted that I may have to throw her out of the house or go NC someday to save myself, even though it would devastate her. I have accepted that for the indefinite future, my DD and I have a one-sided relationship, and I can't have any expectations of her caring about me or my feelings, even though she surprises me occasionally when she does seem to care.

If this were anyone else but my child, I would have walked away by now. But as a parent, I still feel an obligation to do something, to continue to seek help for her. Right now I am looking at age 18 as the magic age to wash my hands of the whole mess, but I don't know why. I don't expect that things will be much different when that happens, in just 5 months.

So how do I accept this problem while I'm still trying to fix it?