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Highly Recommended Book ... Every day there are people who have lost a romantic relationship and feel as if life has lost its purpose. Susan Anderson, MSW, tells us that abandonment is about loss of love and that crucial loss of connectedness. This loss often involves breakup, betrayal, aloneness. This is an important book for members going through the end of a relationship.
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Author Topic: How to drive a BPD Crazy  (Read 4990 times)
MR_DRG
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« on: March 04, 2009, 07:09:45 AM »

Realized something last night.  This ex partner also seems to have a very narcissistic and sadistic side.  He is going out of his way to "let infomartion get back to me" about how happy he is now, the new love, the trips they are going on etc.  Also is going to all my friends and colleagues and smearing me.  Finding out now that he is still controlling me through mutual contacts and business situations... and seems to be daring me to challeneg him in some way.

I am realizing that he sadistically "wants me" to be a pile of mush sitting at home weeping for him.   Have played with all kinds of ideas of how I could seek vengeance from this person for how much he has hurt me (unfortunately vengeance is not my best forte).  Realized that the thing that will bother him most is if I simply move and become happy.  I now understand that that will drive him crazy.
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evedavis
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« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2009, 07:21:42 AM »

Hi MR_DRG,

Sorry you are dealing with this kind of campaign...YUCK.

"Living well is the best revenge"---right?

I also want to add...through what channels is he letting info get back to you?  Friends/family?  Direct communication?  I have to say, I imagine my ex is out there "living large" (in his desperation to feel anything other than abject TERROR in life), but I have NO IDEA, because I have cut ALL ties.  I asked my friends/colleagues to create a "firewall" between us---no info either way.  And I blocked every form of communication I could think of---email, facebook, etc.

I highly recommend this.  If you have no kids or anything that must connect you, cut him out entirely.  There is no reason you have to hear ANYTHING about him and his life.  As for the smear operation, craft a very rational and calm statement to all these people about his mental illness, or the very different perceptions you have of events, and say it once, loud and clear, and then let it go.  His smears will ultimately reflect very badly on him, especially if he continues them once you have moved on.

Sending you big  Empathy  and deep breaths to get through the nastiness,

Eve
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"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning to sail my ship."

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Hannahbanana
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« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2009, 07:36:44 AM »

I agree with evedavis,

I have made no secret that i want my ex to contact me, i am NC with him , but through a mutual silence it seems and it is looking less and less likely that he will contact me because we have never let this kind of time pass without contact...ever!  I guess he no longer needs me and has someone else, hence the silence from his side too.  In all honestly, i hope not and have this ridiculous notion that he is indeed seeing the light and sorting his head out, free of a relationship...as he said to me repeatedly in the last few months that he needed to do this because he was now 31 and still using the same coping mechanisms he did when he was 12 and they were clearly not working for him!  Although i am also aware that i have just answered a question i have been asking myself for months now "am i insane and by thinking he is sorting his head and not with someone else, probably makes me more questionable than him smiley

Anyway, i ramble yet again (dating a borderline has turned me into a constant rambler:) My point was, i love him, i want to be with him, but, i have no interest in what he is doing at this present moment, whether it is going to be long term or short term and whether we end up back together or not...i do not want to know what goes on in his life while we are not an item.  The reason, it hurts me, it does not hurt him, it hurts me and me alone, and to save myself from any more pain, because i have had quite enough for the time being, i refuse point blank to look at his fb/myspace or to listen to stories about him or what he is up to...i have made that clear to everyone who knows him.  I am only interested in his life when he is in mine and not when he is out of it.  Remember that they seem to have no idea of how flaunting their new life/new date/new victim in your face will hurt you, so if you take away every possible medium which allows him/her to know about his life...he can't hurt you any more.  Simple indifference annoys the hell out of most people, don't get mad at him, don't show an interest in him and behave as they do...like nothing happened for you to be mad at and he will spend hours wondering why he has no effect on you any more. 
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Aussie John
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« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2009, 07:44:25 AM »

Indifference to their existance is the best revenge

Total Disengagment REALLy gets under there skin.

Am going through it at the moment.
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
gertrude
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« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2009, 08:02:29 AM »

The best place for you to be in is to just make your life the most satisfying you can for yourself.  It doesn't matter whether that hurts him or not.  If you are trying to get revenge, then he still has power and control over you.  It is best for you to just forgive him b/c he cannot help being what he is, and move on with your life without any consideration for his thoughts.  I wish that for you, for me, for all of us here who have disengaged from a borderline relationship.  That is the healthiest place for us to be.  Carol
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nomoredrama
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« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2009, 08:17:50 AM »

MR_DRG~

I'm currently going through the same thing. We work together and that's been pure hell. Anyway it seems that over the past 2 weeks i have been getting information about his new girlfriend of 4 months from co-workers. That must have started soon after I decided to go LC with him(only discussing work related isses). Well I had my share of conflict with him just at work. He tried to get me fired(whole other story). I know my co-workers mean well, and I hate to start any sort of drama...so I just let them talk about him and leave it at that. I have to admitt that i did ask some questions about the new girl. I couldn't help it.  So now i back to almost square one.
I really don't want people to know that it still bothers me!

I feel ya pain  x
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Dani0613
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« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2009, 09:06:18 AM »

Is this a rhetorical question? They're already crazy!  ;p
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Phoenix10
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« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2009, 09:35:08 AM »

I too was going to quote the "living well" saying.

I have learnt through my T, that most BPD's will have additional traits or more of other mental health disorders, such as Narcissism, Histrionic, Sadistic issues all enmeshed in their psyche.

One aspect that helps me to make some sense of their actions, is that they have NO VALUE for themselves. So in order to gain some value, they go about it in some very nasty, but presumably logical to them, ways.

Blackening your name, makes them feel better about themselves and that way they gain value in themselves. Obviously it's NEVER a TRUE  value, it's seemingly another attempt to fill in the huge void within themselves.

You know who you are, and your true friends will know who you are, try and keep that in mind. Rise above the smearing as best you can, and remember , BPD's are very very ill.

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everyday
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« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2009, 02:12:05 PM »

 Dani  :-*

Quote
Is this a rhetorical question? They're already crazy!

Too darn funny!

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Dani0613
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« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2009, 02:12:46 PM »

LOL But it's true! smiley

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