Dilemma

[Think About It...]

Quick update:  I found out last week that my wife ran away/disappeared about 2 1/2 weeks ago.  I had to do some serious detective work to figure this out.  She wasn't returning my calls.  Her work email/phone were disconnected.  Her co-worker told me that she quit suddenly citing "family emergency" (verbatim, the same excuse she used the last time she ran away/disappeared).  On Fri., she sent me a two-word text "I'm ok."  It was a relief to hear that...but I have NO IDEA where she is - I have a pretty good guess, but nothing for sure.

Did I see this coming?  Yes, since the day she wanted to separate.  She swore to me that she wouldn't do it.  Even now, I'm SURE her rationalization will be, "well, the last time we spoke, I told you I was considering about moving 2000 mi. cross-country to my home state.  I even told you running away is my M.O. any time things get too much for me."  This is true.  It was my own stupidity to not interpret "considering" as "I am leaving w/i the next few days." 

Given the current circumstances surrounding her "disappearance," the impulsive nature of the move, and the last time she did this she admitted she wasn't in "the right frame of mind," and the fact that she might be jobless and insurance-less (of course, given her luck, she might already have a job - even in this dire economy...), my psychiatrist has urged me to call her psychiatrist to give her the heads-up about all that's happened.  He said it's only responsible for me to make this call.

This is a call that I understand is probably necessary at this point.  However, it's one that I've been avoiding making for the past 4 months of our separation.  My reasoning was that, as much as I wanted her psychiatrist to know about all of my wife's increasingly bizarre behavior and statements, I didn't want my wife to find out I called.  I was afraid she'd stop seeing the psychiatrist, cut off all contact w/ me (even though I'm her only support system), and run away/disappear.  Well, I guess I can't make that argument anymore...

I guess I know what the responsible, right thing to do is...but I'm trying to see if there are any reasons NOT to call...could I make this horrendous situation even worse?...or am I just overcome w/ fear right now?       

[RSR]

Quick update:  I found out last week that my wife ran away/disappeared about 2 1/2 weeks ago.  I had to do some serious detective work to figure this out.  She wasn't returning my calls.  Her work email/phone were disconnected.  Her co-worker told me that she quit suddenly citing "family emergency" (verbatim, the same excuse she used the last time she ran away/disappeared).  On Fri., she sent me a two-word text "I'm ok."  It was a relief to hear that...but I have NO IDEA where she is - I have a pretty good guess, but nothing for sure.

Did I see this coming?  Yes, since the day she wanted to separate.  She swore to me that she wouldn't do it.  Even now, I'm SURE her rationalization will be, "well, the last time we spoke, I told you I was considering about moving 2000 mi. cross-country to my home state.  I even told you running away is my M.O. any time things get too much for me."  This is true.  It was my own stupidity to not interpret "considering" as "I am leaving w/i the next few days." 

Given the current circumstances surrounding her "disappearance," the impulsive nature of the move, and the last time she did this she admitted she wasn't in "the right frame of mind," and the fact that she might be jobless and insurance-less (of course, given her luck, she might already have a job - even in this dire economy...), my psychiatrist has urged me to call her psychiatrist to give her the heads-up about all that's happened.  He said it's only responsible for me to make this call.

This is a call that I understand is probably necessary at this point.  However, it's one that I've been avoiding making for the past 4 months of our separation.  My reasoning was that, as much as I wanted her psychiatrist to know about all of my wife's increasingly bizarre behavior and statements, I didn't want my wife to find out I called.  I was afraid she'd stop seeing the psychiatrist, cut off all contact w/ me (even though I'm her only support system), and run away/disappear.  Well, I guess I can't make that argument anymore...

I guess I know what the responsible, right thing to do is...but I'm trying to see if there are any reasons NOT to call...could I make this horrendous situation even worse?...or am I just overcome w/ fear right now?       

[rescue1]

Hi RSR,

I feel for you.  I'm sorry you have to expereince this.  I have a question.

Fear of...?  Can you elaboarte?
rescue1

[harmony1]

rsr,

First I am so sorry..your mind but be ina whirlwind with this..

It is in her best interest you make the call..she has to live with the consequences of her actions..she may end up hospitalized  her mental illness is not your fault

imagine she is a drug user out on a bend..you would have to call her sponser and let them handle it..not enable her by letter her stay out there and possibly get hurt

I may also file a missing persons if she cant be located today then the police can help too  you are not to blame x

[RSR]

See, my foremost fear since the day she announced separation was that she would run away/disappear.  Her reasons for separating made no sense whatsoever and they changed constantly (how our circus clown/marital counselor didn't see/question this still remains a mystery to me).  So I knew she wasn't in the right frame of mind.  I knew that if she was dysregulated enough, her escape valve is always to run away.

This situation has gotten so bad now that I just don't want my calling the psychiatrist now to make the situation worse or backfire...I'm not really sure how my calling could make things worse, but I realize that in this situation, it's very easy to lose objectivity.  I just don't want to say a week from now, "oh, what was I thinking.  Calling was the worst move I could've made..."

So I guess I'm looking for some outsider perspective.

[harmony1]

[
This situation has gotten so bad now that I just don't want my calling the psychiatrist now to make the situation worse or backfire...


[/quote]

I am looking at it from her safety..cant see it backfiring on you..just that you were concerned and got her the help she needed

if this were a child would you not call the psychiatrist? yes you would..if she blameshifts then at least you know for sure she is ok and in good hands..its her choice to run its your choice to call her psychiatrist and let him/her know..most people who run have to sign a contact with their doctors that they will contact the dr if they want to commit suicide or run..has she broken that? if so he needs to be notified in either case




how can you make things worse?

[RSR]

most people who run have to sign a contact with their doctors that they will contact the dr if they want to commit suicide or run..

REALLY?  I was completely unaware of this! 

But what's the consequence going to be for my wife?  That her dr. might now prescribe a refill for her bipolar meds?   I mean, I'm not sure I understand...

But from the initial comments I'm reading, I'm leaning more and more towards calling.

[harmony1]

bipolar mania..remember margot kidder (lois lane) has bipolar she was found unkempt after days of living in the bushes..with like no teeth during a manic episode


http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20142326,00.html

if someone wacks her you will be the first one they question

you know she hasnt shown up for work..call her doctor and report her missing to cya

[RSR]

as I said, I did get a two-word text message from her saying "I'm ok."

Of course, that "ok" as she defines it...

[harmony1]

we dont know who is really at the other end of texts..could be anybody wanting you to think she is ok..even if it is her

[rescue1]

Hi RSR:

It is terrible to lose someone so dear to us if even for a few hours.  I recall my x left a restaurant one evening i the middle of diner and started walking.  The panic I felt.  We were miles from home. I set out on foot, stopping along the way.  I was sick with worry.  I thought the worse.

This wasn't the only time this happenned.  I can no longer live like this but that's a different thread. 

The reason I asked what do you fear because most of the times I fear what I feel and can't verbalize it or better yet can't identify it. My T will ask me this question and push me sometimes to get in touch with my feelings about the sitautaion and then I may decide what is appropiate. The end reult may be the same but I beter informed as to my mtives.  Not playing T here.  Just wanted to communicate this as it may help to your healing, my continued healing as a reminder to myself and maybe others on this threa. You don't need to respond to this.

Hnag in there.  I wish you a peaceful evening. 
R...1

[harmony1]

rsr,

what did yo decide to do?

[RSR]

I'm not calling the police or filing a missing person's report.  She DID send me a text saying she's ok.  From law enforcement's point of view, she's an adult, she's separated, she has no obligation to tell me anything, and she told me she's ok - so what's the problem?  For them, it's only a problem (a) after something bad happens, or (b) if my wife's a danger to herself or others.  At this point (a) hasn't happened, and (b) is not an issue - as far as I can tell.

However, I did call her psychiatrist and left a message.  It's easier to get a direct line w/ the Pope than it is to contact this woman (no wonder my wife picked her as her psychiatrist).  She did not call me back last night, so I'm hoping she'll return my call today...

[harmony1]

great  glad to hear you are covering your bases  x

how are you holding up with the disappearance? if she comes back have you decided how you are going to handle it..her disappearing is no reflection on you  it is her mental illness..the things we allow them to put us thru  ? huh

[Auspicious]

I'm glad you contacted her psychiatrist.

Really, at this point, what do you have to lose?

[Neal]

Don't be surprised if the PDOC doesn't return the call. As far as I know, it would be a violation of patient confidentiality in some areas to even verify that she has been a patient unless a release had been signed at some point.

Sometimes, from the doc's POV, the best way to protect patient confidentiality is simply to be "unavailable" at the time and never call the party back.


In any event, you have done the best you can with it.  x

[RSR]

Covering bases, yes...

How am I holding up?  Well, I've got a million things on my mind.  

I'm robotically working and taking care of all my business, etc.  But I do everything w/ half a mind.  The other half is shocked, worried, sad, confused, half hoping she'll come back (as she's done twice before in the past), and half afraid that this time she's never coming back because the madness is at an intensity that it's never been in the past - this "episode" of BPD and/or bipolar has now officially been going on for a year and has gotten progressively worse to where we are now.

I've also got legitmate, adult worries for her.  Unless she's found a job in the last 3 weeks (which is entirely possible given her ridiculously good luck), she has limited cash, no health insurance, and bipolar meds that she ABSOLUTELY needs...lucky for her, she's got some EXPENSIVE jewelry that she can pawn/sell (another one of her habits when she's on the run).  Even if she's back in her home state (which I suspect), her sisters there are of no real help to her.  They idolize her and NEVER question her actions - no matter how insane.  

I'm still amazed how she can be as reckless as she's been and still have no conseqences to pay.

[Auspicious]

I'm still amazed how she can be as reckless as she's been and still have no conseqences to pay.

It sounds like everyone else pays them for her.

[RSR]

Don't be surprised if the PDOC doesn't return the call. As far as I know, it would be a violation of patient confidentiality in some areas to even verify that she has been a patient unless a release had been signed at some point.

The dr. called me back the last time my wife ran away, so I'm hoping she'll do the same this time.  Although if she knows my wife and I are separated, perhaps she WON'T call back.  I have very little faith in this woman to begin with because my wife has said this about her:  "Oh, I just go in her office and tell her what meds I want, and she writes the prescription."

I take what my wife says w/ a grain of salt, but there's a lot of evidence here that suggests that my wife was right on the money in her characterization.

[Auspicious]

I take what my wife says w/ a grain of salt, but there's a lot of evidence here that suggests that my wife was right on the money in her characterization.

That's pretty much what my wife's psychiatrist does.  Or to be more fair, her psychiatrist prescribes and monitors the meds, and is versus receptive to my wife's complaints about side effects, requests to try things, etc. Doesn't do therapy at all.

Also never seems to take things seriously enough, in my opinion.  And didn't see last years crapstorm coming at all.

[RSR]

It sounds like everyone else pays them for her.

You're looking at me, aren't you?

You're half right.  I guess when we were together, I did "take care" of everything.  However, over the past 4+ months of our separation, I have not.  And right now, I am not - I can't!

As for JustCrazy1's question about if I've decided how I'm going to handle it if she calls back...I think it's somewhat arrogant and presumptuous of me to think she might call...I have a feeling that her illness has gone unchecked for so long and to such an extent now that unless something really catastrophic happens, she's not going to wake up.  The way things are going, I don't know that she will.