The “Gnome Home” Exercise

[Think About It...]

damn man.. sounds like a lot of head games..

so.. your boundary looks like 'when my wife tears my books.. i act sad to make her feel guilty' ?

[dados76]

damn man.. sounds like a lot of head games..

so.. your boundary looks like 'when my wife tears my books.. i act sad to make her feel guilty' ?

[peter chu]

Hi dados76,

My wife is smart. Sometimes, she took my books in advance first before even I know it. Upon her rage & locking up the door, she torn it off. Put the torn pages in the basket & pretended nothing happened.

Peter 

[Steph]

 Peter,

  Would it make more sense to stop allowing her to ruin your things?

If this were a child, wouldnt you put those things out of reach?

So

1) How can you protect what is valuable to u?

2) consider calling 911 when she is destroying things in the house. She is out of control and she needs help during those times. This will also help her think about acting like this next time.

Steph

[Randi Kreger]

Hi,

For boundaries that I set up with my wife, she will break them all upon her rage. She will break it as a revenge & tear them all down so that she will not be limited by them.

I thinl there is age difference in observing boundaries. To those BPs who are kids, teenagers who are still under the financial support of the parents, they will obey more.

For a HF BPs & a high achievers like my wife, they tend to break them anyway.

Peter   

It is to be expected that BPs will break boundaries.

[Randi Kreger]

Thanks, Randi, for the gnome example.  I think this is a very good example; a very good way for people to think through the whole "boundary" things.

I believe that boundaries are for us..  They represent what we can or can't accept in our lives.   I believe that everybody has intinsic boundaries, and we have to look at ourselves outside the relationship with the difficult person and figure out what our boundaries are.  For instance, "I will not allow myself to be pushed, shoved, or hit." is an intrinsic boundary...  It has nothing to do with the BPD partner..  It is about what we will and won't accept in our lives... from anybody. 

So, onto gnomes:  Our intrinsic boundary might be: "I want to be financially stable; I want to live in an orderly home; I want to live in a home with the grass reasonably cut.  I don't want to be in a situation that precludes orderliness or financial stability." 

If we then find ourself in a position in which we are not financially stable due to out-of-control spending by a disordered partner, we have to insist on reasonable budgeting and take steps to make that a reality.  That might initially mean a discussion and a decision on how much discretionary spending each partner has.  That might eventually include establishing separate bank accounts, closing joint credit cards, etc.  If these methods don't work, then perhaps the relationship must end.

If we find ourselves in a mess due to the number of gnomes, then a discussion (communicated lovingly with a validating communication technique) about limits for the display of gnomes and alternatives (buying a shelf unit just for gnomes), recycling gnomes so only a certain number are on display at any one time, would be appropriate.  If the gnomes start escaping from their designated area, then you pack them up or move them.  If the gnomes on the lawn are a problem, you try discussion and compromise, then you move them when you are mowing or you mow around them.  Ultimately, if discussion and compromise don't work, you have the ability of ending the relationship.     

I really like your post here--the first paragraph is especially vital.


Non-BPs feel so helpless in the relationship that they tend to forget they are capable people with fine problem-solving abilities. They often give up on solutions before they’ve researched them or thought them through. Or, they’re too depressed and upset to think straight.
 
I read the book Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living when I was in high school because my mother bought it. He talks about this technique, which I like:

Step 1. Choose one problem and lock the other ones in a box, for now. Then, calmly gather the facts for one of your dilemmas. Carnegie believes that half of our worries are caused by trying to make decisions before we have all the facts.

Step 2. Calmly analyze the facts. For example, don’t just say you say you can’t afford something. Put together a budget. If you cancel cable and brown bag it for lunch, how much will you save? Likewise for time, the other resource generally in short supply. No one has enough time, but someone’s out there watching reality TV. Weigh what’s important to you.

Step 3. Arrive at a decision and act on it. Don’t give up too quickly, because there is no quick fix. On the other hand, don’t stick with a method that clearly isn’t working. (The difference between the two is often a matter of time. If waiting for your BP to change hasn’t worked for several years, it’s time to try something else.) Rethink or modify your plan as necessary.

[Randi Kreger]

I heartily agree with Joanna in that boundaries are effective for us when they are about us.

 Examples may be

1) I will not be in a relationship with someone who is abusive

2) I will not stay present when rages occur

3) I will not allow myself to live in a home with excess mess or clutter

 And then, if these boundaries are pushed, it is up to us to stand up for ourselves and make sure we are maintaining our own boundaries.

Re the gnome example, my boundary may be "I will not allow myself to live in excessive clutter" and if my disordered partner has a gnome thing going on, I can have a conversation like this:

 " You know, I truly dislike the space that the gnomes are taking up in the yard, basement and patio. Since this is something that is bothering me and these are your gnomes, how can we resolve this issue together?"

This approach is helpful because it isnt about punishing the person with the gnome collection, it is about maintaining our own boundaries. If both of you shared the same passion, it wouldnt be an issue, right? So..in this way, its about solving the problem together.

if its about money, same thing..

" I am concerned about the money that is being invested in gnomes lately. We have several bills that are due and I noticed that more gnomes are showing up. How about figuring this out with me, as I am concerned that our lights are going to be shut off soon and money is very tight right now."

You may need to use DEARMAN and validation..perhaps even your boundaries of not being screamed at..yet its important to keep at this conversation until there is resolution.

These are great examples of being clear about what the boundaries are. One of the main reasons people aren't satisfied with the boundaries they set is that they are too vague. Even things like "Don't verbally abuse me" are very vague. Especially with someone with BPD--things need to be clear.

[Randi Kreger]

Hi eeyore,

One of my boundaries is not to tear off my books. I wrote a contract with my wife on this, too.

So, if my wife is into a severe rage, she will tear off my books as a release of her tension.

What I did was that as you read already is to put a book that I do not want & let her torn the hell out of it. But, I pretended that I felt sad after her action to make her feel guilty. So, living with a BP needs to learn how to act.

A few days ago, she was into her mild rage again. She thought of tearing my book again, the same book still at its place from last torn off. But, the moment she wanted to do it, her guilt feeling got into her & she stopped. It is called "undoing", a kind of defense mechanism. So, I got away with it & lots of psycho games with my wife.

Peter

Peter, in your contract, did it specify what was going to happen if she tore the book? I am not a specialist in contracts. But establishing consequences for actions during the planning process is crucial (not that you always need to share them, let alone write them down). If I were you, I would be careful about letting on the things that bothered me the most.


Randi Kreger
 
Author, "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder "
 

[Randi Kreger]

Gnome Home Exercise Debriefing

OK, so I’m doing the official follow up to the Gnomes exercise. Why did I suggest we do it? Because it illustrates a few principles about boundaries that I would like to share. These are important for you to know because you most often non-BPs get in the way of their own boundaries and talk themselves out of them--or let their BP talk them out of them.


LIMITS PROPERTY #1: YOUR LIMITS ARE UNIQUE TO YOU.

Obviously, different people reasoned in different ways, and came up with different answers. That’s because not only do you all have different incomes and homes, you have different values and beliefs. Your limits emerge from a variety of factors unique to you. You own them just like you own your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs.

While this may seem obvious, it’s not. Most people believe that there is one standard that should apply to everyone and most arguments are about divining what that standard is. People talk about this a lot in most forums: someone gives a situation and suggests a limit, then looks to other people to confirm if they’re “right.”

It is as if there is a goddess of the Temple of Truth, who has the special ability to divine who is “right” and who is “wrong.”  While some things at either end of the spectrum make no sense—eg you can’t buy any gnomes or you have to spend everything on them--there is no Temple of Truth, no anointed standard bearer.

THIS MEANS THAT if your family member says that your limits are wrong or unreasonable, he or she is speaking about what is right and true for him or her, not you. You are your own Temple of Truth. You live and deal with the difficulty every day, be it dirty gnomes or dirty dishes. Your limits are your own. And your very first limit is that you have the inalienable right to set limits.

LIMITS PROPERTY #2 LIMITS ARE UNSELFISH

Your limits are for you and about you, not against others. They are about respect: respect for yourself, respect for others, and respect for the relationship.

Think about the process you went through to come up your limits in the gnome home exercise.

•   Did you develop them based on what one person wanted, or did you try to balance everyone’s needs and desires?
•   Was your intention to hurt, punish, or control or to develop a plan that made the most sense based on all the competing factors?

Most non-BPs err on the side of trying to take care of everyone but themselves. It never occurs to them that they can say “no” or that their wants and needs are just as significant as those of everyone else.


People with BPD sometimes see other people’s limits as a personal affront, something designed to punish or control them. That’s because they feel punished and controlled, and for them, feelings equal facts. Naturally, you’ll have discussions and try to come up with solutions that benefit everyone. But compromise because you want to, not because your feelings are “wrong” or unimportant.

[sandpiper]

Wow. 
I know we're discussing boundaries but I had no idea how much I hated gnomes until I imagined what it would be like trying to live with someone who wanted to collect them.
I really, really, hate gnomes and it made me wonder how much other clutter a gnome collector would need to have in their lives.  On an emotional as well as an environmental level.

Thankfully DH and I share a loathing of clutter so we have a Zero Tolerance To Gnomes approach to domestic life.
Except...when we first bought our house, about 15 years ago, a friend of his whom I have since struck off the XMas card list decided to give us a very ugly 'football mascot' type gnome.  He did it knowing that we both hate gnomes and that I have no interest in football.  I don't mind DH being interested in football but he has his own TV room that he can slink off to watch it, so that I don't have to deal with the yelling and the thuggery. 
The friend was always very nasty about the fact that I wasn't interested in football and constantly badgered me that I should develop an interest in it.  Given that I didn't begrudge DH his interest in it, and I potter along contentedly with my own interests when he's at a game or is watching it on TV, I couldn't understand WTH he was on about.

Anyway...I've put up with this god awful gnome being out in the garden for the better part of 14 years, even though the 'friend' that gave us the gnome made himself unwelcome in our home many, many years ago.  He was someone that couldn't respect boundaries and his domineering ways grew worse over time until finally I told DH that I'd had enough and if he wanted to see this friend, he needed to do it outside of our house because he'd made himself most unwelcome within it.  DH accepted this but because the friend felt he could dominate DH, too, DH simply opted to let the friendship go. Didn't return the friend's phone calls, and didn't accept social invitations.  He just quietly chose to spend time with friends who didn't feel the need to try to set up games of conquer and divide between us. Obnoxious friend lives two blocks away but DH sees him only once a year when an old group of friends gather to watch the football grand final.
And yet for years now, I've put up with the stupid gnome, even though DH and I both hate it - because it was a gift.

Well, I just had a good think about the intentions that came with that gift, and I've just binned the stupid gnome. 
We're planning to move house in the next year or so and we both plan to do a huge cull.
The gnome is just the beginning.

I just realized that while I'm very good at setting boundaries with people, one of the areas where I fall down is Gifts.

Neither of us like clutter and our house is very simple and very zen.
And yet somehow, despite constantly telling our friends that we don't like clutter, when there's an occasion for gift giving, we are often awarded a Dust Collector.  Invariably we store the picture/urn/vase/knick knack in a closet for a while and then I have a dreadful time parting with it because X gave it to us with the best of intentions.

Or did they?
This post made me think anew about the nature of boundaries and I think its time to go through the cupboards and pitch every bit of unsolicited clutter that a friend has offered up with the saying 'I know you two don't like clutter but when I saw this vase/picture/keepsake I thought it would be just PERFECT for that corner near the TV.'

Suddenly I realized that every one of these gifts is a GNOME.
Which has circumvented our boundaries because it was wrapped in tissue paper and red ribbons.
Yeesh. I'm off to de-gnome the house.
Anyone read the Harry Potter story where the Weasley's 'de-gnome' their house?   

[dados76]

sandpiper.. i think your place sounds like a place my partner could be very happy.. when we moved in together he had 200 things.. counting a pair of shoes as 1 thing.. and a set of dishes.. ie. all plates.. as a thing.. maybe hes up to 250 now.. but i doubt it

[newworld]

Your post sandpiper is exactly why I do not give gifts that must be kept. they tend to make people very unhappy.

i am lucky to grow up in the age of the gift certificate, cut flowers and food basket. i also learned that the thing people want most, is something that reminds them they are loved...spending time, giving them data images of themselves and their children, pets whatever...

This is not a diatribe on gift giving, but it became a boundary for ME. I was not going to waste my time, money and thought on things people would likely not want to begin with. That isn't good for anyone. So, i instead put it this way :

i am going to make a concerted effort to spend my time with the people I care about and give them gifts that reflect my time and interest in them (a lunch to celebrate a new job for example).  I am no longer going to think about gift giving as an obligation, but as a message that i need to be present for a person.

To go back to living without clutter...

I flip the above to apply to my home as well. I will not live in a place which reflects excess or materialism for the sake of it, for the sake of fobbing off a gift on someone because of ceremony. I will live in a place which reflects my relationships.

[suzann]

I am realizing at this point I am starting from the beginning in understanding boundaries.  In the past I made them when I was angry and let them go when the black period/nc period passed.  I thought my uBPDh had learned his lesson and they were not necessary any longer.  Now I am seeing the whole thing differently (finally understanding).  Boundaries need to stay in place forever to take care of me.  I now understand that boundaries need to be in place the same way they are for my kids, for they're protection also.  I have to treat my uBPDh as a child.  I think I get it now.  I also now see how I contributed to the escalation of many situations.  But I also see right now, that as I enforce the boundaries my uBPDh anger and hurtful behavior has increased.  now what?

Forget about the gnome exercise, I'm noy ready for that one yet.  Loved everyone's responses though--got alot of tools.

[Randi Kreger]

Wow.  Or did they?
This post made me think anew about the nature of boundaries and I think its time to go through the cupboards and pitch every bit of unsolicited clutter that a friend has offered up with the saying 'I know you two don't like clutter but when I saw this vase/picture/keepsake I thought it would be just PERFECT for that corner near the TV.'

Suddenly I realized that every one of these gifts is a GNOME.
Which has circumvented our boundaries because it was wrapped in tissue paper and red ribbons.
Yeesh. I'm off to de-gnome the house.
Anyone read the Harry Potter story where the Weasley's 'de-gnome' their house?   

I think that’s so funny—when I wrote this exercise I never knew it would inspire a discussion of real gnomes, or clutter. But sometimes it’s the little things in life that drive you crazy (well, a lot of times). I like the idea of “tolerating gnomes” as one of those almost subliminal things you put up with because you feel OBLIGATED to do so—notice here we’re now talking about FOG—fear, obligation and guilt. Interestingly, FOG is what we’re going to talk about next!

(BTW, not liking to throw away gifts is why they invented “regifting.” But you have to do it right away.)

I believe that at Ron’s house (Harry Potter) they de-gnomed the garden by throwing them far from the house. But the gnomes always came back! I am a big fan of the books.

Randi Kreger
 
Author, "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder "
 

[Randi Kreger]

i googled budget or something... but the point is that a family has to know thier budget and know what "fun money' means which changes with income levels...that was my point.

It is interesting how different people solve this problem in so many ways. As I said, that's the point: there are infinite ways to look at setting boundaries even given the same example.

Most people believe that there is one standard that should apply to everyone and most arguments are about divining what that standard is. This is the wrong way to look at things.

Take a look at your local newspaper. You probably have an advice column that goes something like this:

Dear Advice Columnist:
My son’s best friend, who is sixteen, eats over at our house all the time. But he’s big—he plays football—and it’s getting expensive. My husband says just “eat” the cost, so to speak. I think it’s too much to have us fill in where the high school cafeteria stops. Who is right? Me or my husband?

Signed,

Fed Up

Fed Up (FU) assumes that advice columnist sits atop the Temple of Truth, who has the special ability to divine who is “right” and who is “wrong.” If the anointed columnist says that FU is wrong, FU should back down and cook for four instead of three.

But will that fix the problem? Will FU immediately go out and buy steaks for the grill, bake fresh homemade biscuits, and make chocolate-covered strawberries for dessert? Will FU feel less resentful toward her husband and possibly her son and the son’s friend?

No!

Emily Post and the Ten Commandments aside, there is no Temple of Truth, no anointed standard bearer. This family dispute is, essentially, another garden gnome exercise. How much does the food cost? Does FU have enough space in the refrigerator for the extra food? And who is doing the dirty work—shopping, cooking, and dishes? (Most likely, the answer to question number 3 is FU, which, over time, could develop into bitterness).

Randi Kreger
www.BPDCentral.com

[Randi Kreger]

Your post sandpiper is exactly why I do not give gifts that must be kept. they tend to make people very unhappy.

i am lucky to grow up in the age of the gift certificate, cut flowers and food basket. i also learned that the thing people want most, is something that reminds them they are loved...spending time, giving them data images of themselves and their children, pets whatever...

This is not a diatribe on gift giving, but it became a boundary for ME. I was not going to waste my time, money and thought on things people would likely not want to begin with. That isn't good for anyone. So, i instead put it this way :

i am going to make a concerted effort to spend my time with the people I care about and give them gifts that reflect my time and interest in them (a lunch to celebrate a new job for example).  I am no longer going to think about gift giving as an obligation, but as a message that i need to be present for a person.

To go back to living without clutter...

I flip the above to apply to my home as well. I will not live in a place which reflects excess or materialism for the sake of it, for the sake of fobbing off a gift on someone because of ceremony. I will live in a place which reflects my relationships.

Do you find you are good at setting other kinds of boundaries as well with your BP family member?

Randi Kreger
 
Author, "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder "
 

[Randi Kreger]

I am realizing at this point I am starting from the beginning in understanding boundaries.  In the past I made them when I was angry and let them go when the black period/nc period passed.  I thought my uBPDh had learned his lesson and they were not necessary any longer.  Now I am seeing the whole thing differently (finally understanding).  Boundaries need to stay in place forever to take care of me.  I now understand that boundaries need to be in place the same way they are for my kids, for they're protection also.  I have to treat my uBPDh as a child.  I think I get it now.  I also now see how I contributed to the escalation of many situations.  But I also see right now, that as I enforce the boundaries my uBPDh anger and hurtful behavior has increased.  now what?

Forget about the gnome exercise, I'm noy ready for that one yet.  Loved everyone's responses though--got alot of tools.

I don’t think it matters if you actually DO the gnome exercise—once you watch others do it, you get the point.

We haven’t started covering this yet, but you’ve touched on something crucial: “Boundaries need to stay in place forever to take care of me,” and “I also now see how I contributed to the escalation of many situations.” (Don’t get on your own case about that, though, because without proper education and planning, non-BPs generally don’t understand that part of limit setting:

**Once you set the limit, it no longer matters very much what you say: what you COMMUNICATE is how you act.***

That’s why the planning process includes the “C” CONSEQUENCES. Before you set the limit, you already KNOW what you will do when the limit is ignored—which it WILL BE. That is part of the “extinction process,” which I will explain in a minute (I’m going to jump ahead of myself and address your comments about this). 

That doesn’t mean the limit has failed, just that you’re not in the phase of teaching people what you will and will not accept in your life.

Randi

[newworld]

Boundaries need to stay in place forever to take care of me.  I now understand that boundaries need to be in place the same way they are for my kids, for they're protection also.  I have to treat my uBPDh as a child. 

I think boundaries are actually "permanent" things which describe what we will or will not do/accept in our lives, not a way to treat someone or view someone else, but how we view ourselves?  So, if you will not accept someone to hit you, that means a stranger on the street, the spouse and the children. It apply's to everyone because it is about us, "not them". 

What is the difference between this (boundaries) and certain things we relax for people more intimately connected to us?  Like sharing information or doing things, accepting quirks or a "bad day" from people we live with or love or are married to? 

[newworld]

Do you find you are good at setting other kinds of boundaries as well with your BP family member?

I am excellent, when I am alone in my head and living apart from my BPfoo/ SO , at setting boundaries 

Then Reality happens and I volunteer myself for the sacrifice, and help certain people (friends/ significant others) by mowing down my boundaries to show them "I will not hurt you like the others did. I am loyal. I will earn my keep here, you didn't make a mistake in picking me. i can be of value to you". In the case of my PDFOO, I find myself freezing in PTSD and allowing the troops to simply march over them while I stand there in agony, helpless and powerless.  The only comfort that I have now is not engaging with them, but isolating myself further from the abuse and feeling more vulnerable and alone in the world, so I control my behavior and gain marginal self esteem, but I fall further under the FOO thumb in helplessness.

Then I become severely confused about what the boundaries are, if I have a right to them, I start to feel helpless (not like a victim, I can see my part, but helplessly watch as i do it to myself and as others do it)... by which time the violations are so bad that my already unstable housing situation falls apart or something else that predicates my remaining in the life I am in and every single thing collapses and I learn a new lesson or a new part of the same lesson.

This time around, I am learning that I do have rights to my boundaries and the reason I do not enforce them when I would be able to successfully is that I do not want to confrontation, inevitable rejection and inevitable feeling that in order to have self respect, I must be alone, otherwise, I have to compromise my dignity to be in relationships.  Seeing things that way makes me feel helpless and violated.

It is much easier for me to set boundaries around the house because the results are material for everyone.  The only way I can confidently and successfully set boundaries so far is if I can point out the material gain to everyone else... (a clean kitchen means less food waste, more money for the other person's hobby). That's not setting boundaries, it is bribing people to live in a way adults should be living to begin with (no excess mess or dirt).

[DragoN]

It is as if there is a goddess of the Temple of Truth, who has the special ability to divine who is “right” and who is “wrong.”

Well..actually, there sort of is.

If my husband wants to spend money on gnomes that he doesn't have...he will be spending it by himself. I will not allow myself to be sucked down into bankruptcy because of his stupidity. It would be  foolish to do so.

I am the Goddess at My Temple of Truth...he doesn't have to like it and I don't have to tolerate his  gnomes.  There are more important considerations at stake.

If there is extra cash and other more important aspects of Life aren't suffering as a result...why would it bother me? It wouldn't.

If the gnomes are pissing off the neighbors...he's going to have to solve that problem on his own.

My husband loves his Tools...he's always buying more and more tools...then built a workshop for his toys. As long as I am not stepping on screws and drill bits around the house...no problem,. And when I do...I yell ...and he tidies up his mess. He's stepped on his toys too...and it hurt. Had no body but himself to blame for that one... Try as he might to pin it on me   

what you COMMUNICATE is how you act.

Actions speak louder than words.  When dealing with a BPD or uBPD in my case, words mean nothing. The follow through is where he was forced to make some changes.

Which brings up FOG and all other kinds of nefarious fun stuff.

I would be able to successfully is that I do not want to confrontation, inevitable rejection and inevitable feeling that in order to have self respect, I must be alone, otherwise, I have to compromise my dignity to be in relationships.

oy...now that's a terrible weight to bear on your shoulders... x

Not everybody is going to "like" you...or me for that matter  Who cares? You and I were not put on this earth to grovel and please others.  What is our purpose in existence? That's a more fruitful direction to focus on. Whatever that is for you...and it's different for each of us.

"In order to have self respect , I must be alone" *ouch*

Why? Hang with people that have a similar purpose and joy. They may be as kookie and wonderfully strange as you...what could be cooler in the grand scheme of things?
Self respect is YOURS,.,.you OWN that. You give it to yourself and demand it from the world. You may or may not get it from some, and that's beside the point...don't hang with that crowd. Nothing lost and nothing gained.

You know...reading through a lot here...like usual...and it's funny. Not in a hahaha kind of way..but seeing how it happened...the break down in boundaries.   Knowing that I fought him on it every step of the way...only I was fighting the wrong way. Live and learn...don't make the same mistake twice.

We don't have the gnome problem...that's real easy to solve from my perspective...it was the other sort of boundary violations. *meh*...that's solved.

Nobody can control you, unless you let them.
Nobody can break you, unless you let them.
And when they try...Exploding into a ball of burning anger ...is not the best solution.

Walk away...end of discussion.

[Randi Kreger]

<<I think boundaries are actually "permanent" things which describe what we will or will not do/accept in our lives, not a way to treat someone or view someone else, but how we view ourselves? So, if you will not accept someone to hit you, that means a stranger on the street, the spouse and the children. It apply's to everyone because it is about us, "not them".  >>

****Yes and no. Yes, it's ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, NOT THEM. However, you can always change your mind. And some things can be OK for one person and not another. Yes, you will let NO ONE abuse you, but your husband can call you Snooky but your children can't.

<<What is the difference between this (boundaries) and certain things we relax for people more intimately connected to us?  Like sharing information or doing things, accepting quirks or a "bad day" from people we live with or love or are married to?  >>

****It is normal and natural, as I said, to have different boundaries with different people. You might share info with some people and not others. It's OK to negotiate boundaries. It's not only OK, but essential to accept some people's quirks: during the Clarification step (step number 1) you decide what you will and won't accept, what's OK and what's not.

With some people, you need to be very strict and not let a boundary go, ever. Much depends on the boundary and the person and the boundary style. With people who are in general very accepting of your boundaries, you can sometimes let things slide. But with BPs you need to be consistent, and that goes for everything.

Randi