New to all this, not sure what to do now...

[Think About It...]

Hello...if u have read my first posting u will know that i am new to all of this.  Not only am I new to the fact of having a BPD partner, but I am also new to the lesbian lifestyle.  I love my SO...without a question in my mind.  This week has been a trying week for me...I have NO intentions of leaving, but I feel like everything I have done this week was to help her or do something to make her smile or make her happy and it just doesn't seem like enough, or some part of it was done wrong?  How do i deal with these type situations?  Any suggestions? ?

[LissaLou7117]

Hello...if u have read my first posting u will know that i am new to all of this.  Not only am I new to the fact of having a BPD partner, but I am also new to the lesbian lifestyle.  I love my SO...without a question in my mind.  This week has been a trying week for me...I have NO intentions of leaving, but I feel like everything I have done this week was to help her or do something to make her smile or make her happy and it just doesn't seem like enough, or some part of it was done wrong?  How do i deal with these type situations?  Any suggestions? ?

[Steph]

 Hi and welcome!

  Can you tell us more about your relationship? How long together? What sorts of things have you tried? How familiar are you with BPD and does she know she has it? Are either of you in therapy?

[united for now]

You're starting out two steps ahead of everyone else here, since you know right away she is BPD and she is in treatment for it...

There is so much for you to learn that can be helpful, but the one thing that will make the biggest difference is if you begin to focus on yourself as well as learning as much as you can about the illness and letting go of your unrealistic dreams and accepting what you have...

From this post, I would suggest you look into co-dependency, since you are displaying the thought patterns of taking on more than your share of emotional responsibility here.
Her feelings aren't your responsibility...
Her mental illness impacts the way she sees and understands things. Those who suffer from BPD are bottomless pits of needs, and no amount of love or giving will ever be enough to satisfy them. You can't make her happy and you will never do enough for her...

My suggestions? Read - post - and check out the co-dependency idea for yourself...

and   and the staying board...  x

[arjay]

I feel like everything I have done this week was to help her or do something to make her smile or make her happy and it just doesn't seem like enough, or some part of it was done wrong?  How do i deal with these type situations?  Any suggestions? ?

As the other posts suggest, what you experience is the nature of BPD.  They are emotionally very needy, generally lack "middle ground", see things in extreme and can be tough to deal with. 

Learning about co-dependency, means understanding that their behavior does not have to necessarily affect your "feelings" or your "behavior".  When we allow ourselves to fall into that "cycle", our emotions become an extension of their's, an unhealthy situation.

You will need to learn to be emotionally very strong, balanced, resilient and very understanding too.  Even then your relationship will have its' challenges and there is no guarantee of success.

Take advantage of all the information that is available here.  Visits all the boards and post questions too, so you get a balanced view of the challenge you face.

Peace

[Wanda]

 
 Glad you made it over here you have gotten good advice just wanted to say Hello and welcome to this side of the tracks

[LissaLou7117]

Hello Arjay!  We have been together for about 5 or 6 months and living together for about 2 months now.  Yes she knows she has BPD, she is the one that sent me to this site to help me understand her illness.  She is very open about it and will answer any questions I have on the subject.  She has been in therapy for some time now!

[arjay]

Hello Arjay!  We have been together for about 5 or 6 months and living together for about 2 months now.  Yes she knows she has BPD, she is the one that sent me to this site to help me understand her illness.  She is very open about it and will answer any questions I have on the subject.  She has been in therapy for some time now!

It is great she is in therapy.  Many here would recommend you spend this time working on you too; those areas of your life where you are not emotionally healthy.  Many of us here have had our issues, and they really surfaced during our relationship with our BPD.

It is great that your partner is trying to help herself.  That is often something the "non" needs to do as well.

Peace

[peacebaby]

Hey there and welcome to the Staying forum on behalf of the Queer Contingent! 

I am also new to the lesbian lifestyle

So you're saying you've never been involved with a woman before your BPDSO? Having been a lesbian for over 40 years now, I gotta say I don't really think it's a "lifestyle" but lesbians can easily be drawn into relationships with BPDs because we have all that extra codependant/nurturing/nesting crap going. Are you bi or figuring out you're gay, or do you just happen to be involved with a woman? Inquiring minds... 

It's great that she's in treatment! And that she sent you to this site! My SO is also impressively self-aware and in treatment, and it seems that these things help a huge deal when you're a person with BPD. And it's also true we need to work on our own issues, because even though theirs seem so HUGE ours are equally important to the relationship dynamics!

Peacebaby

[LissaLou7117]

Hey there peacebaby!  I believe I am just becoming aware that I am gay!  I have been with men my whole life, and was never completly satisfied or happy...I am both now!  I have NO desire of being with a man ever again honestly!

I agree with you, it is awesome that she is in therapy and is aware of her illness...she does not ever try to use it as an excuse, but we have had many discussions about it all!  I will remember to work on my own emotional well being as well Thanks! 


Catch ya later!   x

[peacebaby]

Congrats on figuring out the gay thing!  I don't have a messenger thing but you can send me messages through the board and I'm happy to answer.


Peacebaby