Always something with her... even when she has supervised visits

[Think About It...]

Today, I receive a call at 1:15 PM from the visitation supervisor asking if I forgot that 1:00 PM was the scheduled time.  I told her that it is always 3:00 PM, not 1:00 PM.  She said that it was changed because the normal supervisor couldn't be there.    I told her that no one informed me of the change.   I told her I would be right there with my daughter.  WE get down there in 15 minutes.  I apologize and repeat that I wasn't told about this time change.  She said not to worry and that the ex can stay until the last minute so that it can make up some of the time.  They usually end the time 10 to 15 minutes early to get the exchanges without any conflict.  The lady was fine and said not to worry. 

I return at 2:50 PM for the exchange.  They are still gone and don't come back until 3:06 (I looked at the time on my phone when they came in).  So The time was essentially just like it normally would have been.  The ex said that she shouldn't be responsible to pay for the half hour she missed, disregarding the 15 minutes she had extra.   The supervisor said told the ex that no one knows if I was told but that she is responsible to pay the full amount of $40.00 for the 2 hours.  The ex said said she shouldnt' pay for that since I brought my daughter late.  I even conceded the 15 minutes and offered to pay for the 15 minutes ($5.00).  The supervisor said it was actually 1/2 hour, neglecting to recall that they were gone 15 minutes longer.  I said fine, I'll pay $10 just to put the ex at ease.  She still said that she was being shortchanged.  They didn't have change for a $20 so I said that I'll pay the $10 next time.  She still kept up.

When my daughter came back to me, she didn't have the jacket and both the supervisor and ex said that they must have left it at the park.  So I had to walk over and get it after the visit. 

Might be nitpicking but the woman can't even cooperate on a simple matter like this.  I even offer to pony up more than I felt I should to keep her calmed down but to no avail.  I then realize that is what I did before I divorced her...while I divorced her and after I divorced her.  Always going beyond halfway to appease her but it was never good enough.

It seems so minor but within an hour I felt like I was feeling like I was getting ill.   Damn I am glad I am not around that woman.

[95685dad]

Today, I receive a call at 1:15 PM from the visitation supervisor asking if I forgot that 1:00 PM was the scheduled time.  I told her that it is always 3:00 PM, not 1:00 PM.  She said that it was changed because the normal supervisor couldn't be there.    I told her that no one informed me of the change.   I told her I would be right there with my daughter.  WE get down there in 15 minutes.  I apologize and repeat that I wasn't told about this time change.  She said not to worry and that the ex can stay until the last minute so that it can make up some of the time.  They usually end the time 10 to 15 minutes early to get the exchanges without any conflict.  The lady was fine and said not to worry. 

I return at 2:50 PM for the exchange.  They are still gone and don't come back until 3:06 (I looked at the time on my phone when they came in).  So The time was essentially just like it normally would have been.  The ex said that she shouldn't be responsible to pay for the half hour she missed, disregarding the 15 minutes she had extra.   The supervisor said told the ex that no one knows if I was told but that she is responsible to pay the full amount of $40.00 for the 2 hours.  The ex said said she shouldnt' pay for that since I brought my daughter late.  I even conceded the 15 minutes and offered to pay for the 15 minutes ($5.00).  The supervisor said it was actually 1/2 hour, neglecting to recall that they were gone 15 minutes longer.  I said fine, I'll pay $10 just to put the ex at ease.  She still said that she was being shortchanged.  They didn't have change for a $20 so I said that I'll pay the $10 next time.  She still kept up.

When my daughter came back to me, she didn't have the jacket and both the supervisor and ex said that they must have left it at the park.  So I had to walk over and get it after the visit. 

Might be nitpicking but the woman can't even cooperate on a simple matter like this.  I even offer to pony up more than I felt I should to keep her calmed down but to no avail.  I then realize that is what I did before I divorced her...while I divorced her and after I divorced her.  Always going beyond halfway to appease her but it was never good enough.

It seems so minor but within an hour I felt like I was feeling like I was getting ill.   Damn I am glad I am not around that woman.

[Her Mama]

Nice.  What a wonderfully organized operation you're working with there.  Fail to notify of a schedule change and leave the child's coat at the park.  Kind of makes me wonder if she doesn't spend all her time reading or in the car while the momster screws with your daughter's head some more.  Not trying to make you paranoid or anything but that is what I'd suspect.

Have you ever observed them (or had someone else do it) to see just how closely your ex is being supervised?  Supervision isn't just making sure the other parent doesn't take off with the kid, it's listening to the conversation to make sure promises are not made that cannot be kept or derogatory comments about the other parent are not made.

[95685dad]

The normal supervisors stay on top of everything but this lady has only been there for the second time.  She is a friendly lady but I am going to write a note to the normal supervisor.  I can actually make a point that it is not following the protocol of previous visits and as to what was agreed to.  I felt I might be overreacting but thinking about it, if I was on the other side, they would have been raising cain with me.

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[DreamGirl]

I volunteer for a supervised exchanges and parenting time program.   I do not think you are overreacting in your situation. I would be a little frustrated myself. I think it was a compounded situation with it being a change in schedule and a new supervisor...it just trickled down from there.

I think that in the future, if a similar situation arises where none of the fault is yours, the visit should just be rescheduled. We often do this when one of the parents was not aware of a reschedule.

I commend you for trying to bend a little to alleviate the stressful situation that had potential to escalate. Just stick to your mindset that you will only do so much. You are still who you are... a reasonable person and there isn't a single thing wrong with that!
 

[95685dad]

The statement that the supervisor is getting too chatty is spot on.  When the ex and the supervisor came up the stairs she was chatting with the ex almost like they were friends.  Also, after I went to get the jacket, I took my daughter to get an ice cream.  Low and behold, the supervisor is their with another mother...chit chatting away...that mother is also on supervised visits.  It was strange in that it was as if the supervisor and the mother were meeting somewhere to visit and the child was tagging along.  The supervisor and mother were facing each talking...talking about the husband and his "issues".  The mother was talking about she is taking care of her issues but the dad needs to do the same.  I bet this is exactly what went on when my daughter was with her mom.  I could hear in the ex's voice she was on "full court press" with this new supervisor...the giggle, the joking, the "I am the most stable person in the world and shouldn't be in this predicament" behavior. Then when I see the next client of this supervisor in that atmosphere, I was very disappointed.  The little girl was just licking her ice cream and the mom wasn't really paying attention to her.  That woman is on supervised visits and she spends the time with a complete stranger almost as if they are friends.

[DreamGirl]

The statement that the supervisor is getting too chatty is spot on.  When the ex and the supervisor came up the stairs she was chatting with the ex almost like they were friends.  Also, after I went to get the jacket, I took my daughter to get an ice cream.  Low and behold, the supervisor is their with another mother...chit chatting away...that mother is also on supervised visits.  It was strange in that it was as if the supervisor and the mother were meeting somewhere to visit and the child was tagging along.  The supervisor and mother were facing each talking...talking about the husband and his "issues".  The mother was talking about she is taking care of her issues but the dad needs to do the same.  I bet this is exactly what went on when my daughter was with her mom.  I could hear in the ex's voice she was on "full court press" with this new supervisor...the giggle, the joking, the "I am the most stable person in the world and shouldn't be in this predicament" behavior. Then when I see the next client of this supervisor in that atmosphere, I was very disappointed.  The little girl was just licking her ice cream and the mom wasn't really paying attention to her.  That woman is on supervised visits and she spends the time with a complete stranger almost as if they are friends.

Are these therapeutic visits?

[95685dad]

They are suppose to be but definitely the last two weren't in that manner.

[Gagrl]

...The supervisor and mother were facing each talking...talking about the husband and his "issues".  The mother was talking about she is taking care of her issues but the dad needs to do the same...

HUGE red flag here.  This is enough to report to the supervisor and request that further visits NOT be supervised by this person.  Conversation is NOT the function of the supervisor.  If the supervisor says no more than a dozen words during the visit, that's perfectly OK.  The visit is between parent and child.  The parent should be directing the visit with and to the child.

You are perfectly within appropriate bounds to make your expectations clear and hold the supervisory office to the terms of the court order.

[DreamGirl]

I only ask becasue the role of the supervisor changes when it is therapeutic. The supervisor is more than just an observer and will be expected to have a more interactive relationship with the visiting parent. However, the focus should still be on the relationship going on between the child and the parent.

So when you say this superviosr is "new", is that referring just to your case or is she new to the position in general? I only ask because I wonder if her inexpereince is coming into play here.  I would hate for you to be the beginning of the learning curve with your complex situation.

[kellaroo]

"always something"  ...that could totally be the name of a book about Borderline Personality Disorder.

 Damn I am glad I am not around that woman.

When "always somethings" happen , I remind myself of this too...at least we are no longer living or around them.

[95685dad]

I have gotten so sick after this little fracas...could my mind be so locked into any negative action with her opens me up to getting sick.  It came on very quickly...I feel horrible.  Instead of H1N1...I have Ex1Ex2 Flu

[kellaroo]

I have gotten so sick after this little fracas...could my mind be so locked into any negative action with her opens me up to getting sick.  It came on very quickly...I feel horrible.  Instead of H1N1...I have Ex1Ex2 Flu

sooo funny but sooo not.
I used to get sick too with stress.  I completely believe that the two are related.
Do they have a vacine for Ex1Ex2 yet?

[95685dad]

It's called runasfastasucan vaccine

[kellaroo]

!

or de-fog-itis vacine

[LivingWell]

People don't change.  Especially BPD's don't change.  I paid over 80% of my children's college education and told them that had to be the end of my support.  I was already on a course to starve under a bridge after 65.

Daughter asked ex to pay for her wedding reception when she got married.  I told her before she asked him she would have to get him to sign something on the amount to every last penny.  She didn't.  ex agreed to pay for the reception.  D signed a contract.  Then Ex decided he would pay for the reception but he would not pay for the taxes, service gratuities, wine, or hors d'oeuvres.


Ex has pulled that kind of stuff on me for 20 years.  Now he's pulling it on his children. They don't change. 

9dad, You're going to have to get report her.  She will continue to look for openings.  In fact you should in the future make her go back and get the sweater she left behind.   It's very sad.  At least you and Dear Daughter don't have to live with her.

[95685dad]

I spoke to the director of the supervised visit agency.   I explained about the schedule conflict.  I also said that the jacket was left at the park and how it was a second thought by the supervisor/mom and that I felt the reason that it was forgotten was that they were so chatty.  I then stated that I witnessed the supervisor across the street at the ice cream shop and that it appeared to me that supervisor appear to be overstepping the bounds and acted like she was more inclined to chit-chat with the client with the child tagging along and that I heard the mother under supervision discussing the dad's issues that he needed to work on, just like she had issues to work on herself.  Totally inappropriate.  The director replied "Are you sure she was a client?"  I said that the person was the client because the supervisor had to stop her session with my ex because of her next client.  The director said she wasn't aware and that she had to check in on it.  I said that if that is the way the supervision takes place, I do not want that to occur for my child.

The visit went as scheduled yesterday.  I came back at 2:45 to pick up my daughter per the normal male supervisors request.  He came back at 2:55 PM.  He walked behind us downt the stairs and wached as we walked towards my car.  I looked up to the end of the street and seen the SMOTW sitting there watching.   I told the supervisor where he was...the brother was sitting in the front seat with him.   

Also, a friend of mine that my daughter has as a friend on her myspace showed my my 17 yr olds page.  It's funny how she hasn't deleted my friend but my daughter has the ex2 as a friend as well as SMOTW.  Then I could see the ex2's page and she said on her front page "I am going to see my daughter".  I wonder what else she might have said about her daughter or her daughter's dad.

[LivingWell]

What did the male supervisor say when you pointed out the SMOTW?  This must bring mixed feelings to you.  Really angry that they cant obey the rules and hoping they get more restrictions from the court.

[95685dad]

He came out and asked me the location and I pointed it it to him from a distance.  He just said "Ok...as long as they don't do anything to your car."  They always park in the back...smotw must have been bored or wanted to show his princess how unafraid he is. 

I took my daughter to a gymnastics class this morning...the daycare lady that testified against me was there.  She wasn't sure how to react but when she seen me inside there when she was picking up her daughter, she was in a hurry to get out of there.

[95685dad]

This morning I went to get a tea from Starbucks.  Sitting at a table were the Director of SS, an attorney (possibly DSS attorney) and the judge (my judge from the beginning).  They were discussing a situation and were very quiet.  The Director of SS, who was the former Director of CPS noticed me as I walked in.  They kept chatting and as I waited for my drink, they started to wrap up their discussion.  The judge got up and went out of her way to wave hello to me.  I always figured that these entities had some discussion previously concerning my situation and this almost guarantees it that they did.  I did hear the DSS director state "He thinks he can get away with anything."  They were definitely talking about someone in the court/ss system.

It was just nice to see a friendly smile from the judge.  The judge more than likely had also read my replies concerning the ex's appeals.  Anyway...it was a pleasant surprise.

[LivingWell]

This is absolultely Wonderful!  You are finally being recognized and given your due respect.  I'm so happy for you.

 x  x  x