PERSPECTIVES: Relationship recycling [romantic partners]

[Matt]

I think what makes it so hard for me to stop "recycling" - if indeed that's what I've been doing - is the knowledge (reasonably sure - I'm more confident about it than many other things that I "know") that what drives the breakups or bad spells is mental disorder.

Because if something is driven by disorder, then there is always the possibility that upon, ah, re-ordering, that things will get better. That possibility is especially tantalizing when the person in question is your wife of many years, and the mother of your children.

So I don't think it's quite as simple as just hoping foolishly that a leopard will not have spots. I think it's more like hoping that a person who coughs on you all the time might eventually stop (or diminish) the coughing, with proper treatment.

I think your situation is pretty different from what Skip is describing as "recycling".  You are very conscious of the issues, very educated about them, and making very deliberate decisions as to how to do your best to make the relationship work.

I think what characterizes the dysfunctional dance of "relationship recycling" is the mystical belief that "this time it will be different" - keep trying to make something work that isn't working, with no big changes.

[myself]

I think that a good rule of thumb, is that if they cannot articulate WHY they left you in the first place, in a way that makes sense to someone else besides you (because you could be in denial), then you have to face the real possibility that they don't understand why they left you and they are only compelled to repeat (ie, recycle) their behavior.  People who are mentally ill might do the same things over and over again, each time expecting a different outcome. 

What about when it is a situation where the person with bpd blames the other for everything, making it up all as it were out of mental illness, believes their own story, and tells it to others as if it is the truth? They are articulating it, but... It's false.

[Auspicious]

I think that a good rule of thumb, is that if they cannot articulate WHY they left you in the first place, in a way that makes sense to someone else besides you (because you could be in denial), then you have to face the real possibility that they don't understand why they left you and they are only compelled to repeat (ie, recycle) their behavior.  People who are mentally ill might do the same things over and over again, each time expecting a different outcome. 

What about when it is a situation where the person with bpd blames the other for everything, making it up all as it were out of mental illness, believes their own story, and tells it to others as if it is the truth? They are articulating it, but... It's false.

I think that's just a variation of the same thing. It sounds disordered, but in a slightly different way.

[WonderingWhat]

I needed the validation that reconnecting gave me.  This need for validation is a life long need of mine.  Since finding out about BPD, and the end of my marriage to exbpdw, I have done a lot of inward looking at myself.  I now understand where this need for validation originated.  It goes way back to a time I didn't know nor could control what was going on in my life.  While I think knowing where this all started is important, it is not the most important thing.  Once we realize that we must learn to validate ourselves, then the true healing can begin.  I believe God made us to want, desire and need companionship and love from someone else.  But, in an ironic twist, it seems in order to be able to have that in a healthy way, we must be capable of living alone and being happy in that state.  In other words, when I am perfectly OK with living by myself and with myself, then I'm ready to be in a healthy relationship.  Self validation is the antedote to re-engagements, and to getting tangled up with another disordered person.  I admit this may be a over simplification.  I'm sure there is more to being able to have a healthy relationship.  But I'm pretty sure that until we do love ourselves as we should, we are not ready for a healthy relationship. 

Sure... but I was perfectly happy living by myself and with myself. For ten years. Sure there were times I missed intimacy and the benefits, and I missed a deep romantic relationship, but I WAS happy. And that's what I don't understand myself. I didn't exactly "run" from relationships as if I was afraid of them, rather felt quite fine, strong and didn't feel "needy." I wanted to groom that. I had no desire and wasn't looking for a relationship when I met my SO. This is what kills me. 

There were red flags, I put my "foot down" so to speak a month after we met. The reply I got was so adult like, a "I'm sorry, and I promise to work on my insecurities" after I told her, "No, I really like you, am very fond of you, but I just am not willing to fix someone else's insecurities. I don't have them and don't want to take them on."

Her reply seemed adult enough. She asked me for a second chance, I agreed - I was VERY fond of her. And two months later... more time is invested.. more emotional fondness, more growth... and they come out again... and it was so much harder to deal with because of the investment.

[twistedmarriage]

Recycling - what is it?

We often believe this is about the ex - to be contacted an ex with a personality disorder solely to bring the non back into the relationship. Characteristically, it is either a phone call, text, or meeting that leads to a reconciliation of the relationship.

To some, recycling is a source of envy from those who have been abandoned, and have had no contact from their exes, to a bonding phenomenon to those who experience communication from their ex frequently. If you look at it from a detached viewpoint, it has one thing in common, a desire to be communicated with by the non. It serves as a validation to the wounded non. It tends to keep us in a victimization mode, instead of a proactive one.

We are all people, very capable of making our own decisions. We cannot be brought back into a relationship if it is our desire to be out of it. Recycling gets its strength is from the wounded, confused, and indecisive non. We all can identify with this thinking, because we were all there at one point or another. It is a thought process where we take the feelings and "reality" of our disordered former partners over our own feelings and "reality." Oftentimes, our intellectual minds are telling us not to go back into the relationship, but our emotional psyche is screaming for the pain to stop, and personal validation. Thus, we, as wounded, confused individuals, reconcile with our disordered partners, ignoring the history, but blindly hoping for a change, and a different outcome. We still reconcile, on our own power, despite our knowledge and history.

A person experiencing a re-engagement, has a fear that resides in them, that despite their knowledge and history, they are afraid that they will resume a relationship, beyond their control. It lends a victimized thought process, simply because they do not understand the dynamics at play. The are hurt, and confused, lacking a true sense of direction, and having more doubt than confidence in their decision. It is their desire of wanting a good relationship with the disordered person that overshadows the acceptance of the disordered person, the disorder, and the dynamics that flow out of the relationship. Usually, the disordered person is seen as two people existing in one body. There is the loving, euphoric, fun to be around person that everyone adores, and then there is the raging, manipulating, dark side that we tend to want to keep away from. It is because this split exists in our minds, that the doubt is allowed to linger and grow, giving us hope that the next time will be different. We try to chose one side of the person, rather than accepting that there is one person with vast ranges of emotional capacity, from the far left side of bad to the far right side of good.

Once the acceptance of the person as a whole, instead of parts, happens, we can then decide if it is worth it to us to continue to have them in our lives as romantic partners. Once we make up our minds about what it is we truly want, then we can see their behavior as what it is. It no longer is a recycle but a cry out because they, themselves are hurting. It can even be a simple communication that although the relationship has been lost, they, too, mourn this loss as we do. It can even be that they are having second thoughts, that wont matter now, because we have a clear definition of what it is that we want. It can be a number of understandable things, but because of the clarity that exists in our minds, it isn't a recycle any longer.

Relationships are hard, by nature, and when a disorder is in play, they tend to be very difficult to the point of confusing. The end of a relationship is hard as well, because it is usually one person, desiring something out of a relationship that doesn't exist in the current one. A disordered relationship is two fold for the non. Usually the non wants parts of it, and not other parts of it, and has the desire to keep the ones they like and discard the ones they don't. Look at your relationship. Does this dynamic exist?

Even in healthy relationships, there are many questions and feelings post relationship. It is quite natural, and everyone has the right to seek answers to questions, to have communication between the partners to evaluate their own roles in the failures of these relationships. Usually, the end of the relationship does not mean the end of the friendship that existed. After a time of detachment, the friendship can general be resumed. There are communications about what to do with items left over from the relationship, and also feelings left over. This is all completely natural. Due to the dynamics at play, these scenarios are viewed as re-engagements because of the confusion, hurt, and lack of insight by the non at the end of a disordered relationship.

If you fear a reconciliation, keep in mind that you have to decide to reconcile. It cant be done on both sides by one person. You do have a choice, and a voice. If you are conflicted about your choice to reconcile, you may need help to sort out your feelings.

I now feel empowered with these words of wisdom...look at the BPD as a whole person ..so accept that Hyde and Jekyll are on and the same...with ultimately the same motivations..

power lies within the non...the BPD just keeps looping..finally I think I get it.  So what causes a BPD to move forward? The lack of response and drama?  I could never understand why my uBPDh was not happy with his first wife...beautiful, funny, great mom/wife who never questioned his actions or demanded his attention..but I guess thats why when I appeared (his angel he lied to say...a halo of light around me -but now I'm a "2-bit whore") on the scene he thought I was his savior...that he could rely on me to protect him and support him...make him feel desired and important because I "validated" him or engaged with him...and of course since I was a succesful career woman then all the better...so he probably felt "safe" about jumping ship to sail with me...which was totally shocking to his first wife as she was used to his "recycling"...he had left a few times before..so she really did not believe that he was gone until he skipped out on his son's football game to hang out with me...(light bulb shining brighter)...and his immediate family did not believe it either and probably remained supportive of the first wife because they probably thought his affair with me would blow over...as all the other affairs had. MMMMMmmm

But no one, including him, realized how determined I was to believe that the world was not filled with men like my NPD father...so I chose to view him through rosy glasses and treated him like he was a victim ...a victim of his parents and first wife...he convinced me that they never really cared about him...and pure ignorance had me up the ante even more when I
suggested that we all meet to discuss the issues at hand and to reassure his family and first wife that I had no interest in taking what was theirs.   So his BPD mind then had to quickly strangle any possibility of everyone getting along and so instead starts telling me that his family said horrific things about me.  (what I should of asked  myself back then was why would he encourage animosity between all of us if he was really serious about his "soulmate love for me?  Triangling. Andnow when I'm ready to divorce if it can be peaceful he needs to drum up some drama so that he does not need to take responsibility for the r/s ending...he never did file for divorce with his first wife..she filed...and a month later when I snooped into his wallet he still had her photo and love notes displayed (in his wallet).  Wow!

Very interesting and very insightful thread.  Thank you all for sharing your wisdom and to help me grow.   

[diotima]

I think that a good rule of thumb, is that if they cannot articulate WHY they left you in the first place, in a way that makes sense to someone else besides you (because you could be in denial), then you have to face the real possibility that they don't understand why they left you and they are only compelled to repeat (ie, recycle) their behavior.

Yes, a thread full of good insights. I think I overlooked this many times, i.e., my ex not being able to articulate. When he tried to re-engage and clearly said he wanted me back he would then say that he didn't know what he wanted--I think he said that every time he also said he wanted me back. He said it the last time when I finally said no, and I am still wondering whether if I knew what I now know (about BPD) when he asked whether we could get past our "impasses"  something could have changed. Probably not, since the impasse from my side was the other women he chased as soon as he dysregulated. I am not so sure that he could get past that particular impasse. I know I cannot, but there is this lingering doubt in my mind because I refused to even discuss it because I was so hurt. I feel like it was my last chance to say: there has to be T. I then went NC. I don't know.

Diotima

[knowing]

VERY helpful workshop!  Looking back on our recycling (until i found this board), i admit i was generally the one who initiated re-engagement.  this board has helped me so much in seeing what *i* need to do for myself on my own end in terms of validation, etc., rather than hoping that Dr. Jekyll can come through for me (in hopes that Mr. Hyde would not reappear).  i am so thankful to all the members on this board who helped me see that i was STUBBORNLY holding onto an illusion of what i wanted our marriage to be, holding up blinders to all that was dysfunctional, violent, draining and destructive.

[Changed4safety]

Wow...in the process of breaking up with my BPDbf.  There have been many breakups along the lines of "I hate you!  We're done!" and then three hours later we tacitly agree that Nothing Happened.  Except every single time, I believed and grieved.  I guess I sure didn't learn.

We tried and tried--he really did do a lot of work on himself, and so did I, but it's not going to be enough.  He's also bipolar and has PTSD, yippee.  And over the last few weeks as we deal with living together, still loving each other and wanting to stay friends...I am realizing a lot about what I want and don't want.  I do fear the breakup--not so much true recycling but as has been mentioned here, inappropriate contact (he still wants to hang out and watch movies and TV, he still anticipates us playing online games together, and worst of all, I know he still anticipates me paying for things.  It's very, very hard to put down boundaries on that, and I'm hurting to the tune of having maxed out my cards and lost about $60K over the last few years trying to placate insatiable needs.)

We are seeing a therapist, I will bring up what my boundaries are and state them in front of a witness as it were about what is and isn't acceptable.  He takes meds and is a type I diabetic, so he could play the "I need my insulin" card.  I really hope not. 

Man, I am not looking forward to this, but I would rather deal with this than the violence, fear, and well...there it is, FOG. 

[sm15000]

I think that a good rule of thumb, is that if they cannot articulate WHY they left you in the first place, in a way that makes sense to someone else besides you (because you could be in denial), then you have to face the real possibility that they don't understand why they left you and they are only compelled to repeat (ie, recycle) their behavior.

I ended it but i could tell him why. . .he could never articulate why his behaviour towards me and hence our relationship changed so dramatically and was now filled with manipulation, lies, mistrust and doubt.  Just kept going around and around in circles, was involved with other women, but seemed to be thinking/hoping he could get away with it.

Probably not, since the impasse from my side was the other women he chased as soon as he dysregulated.

This is how i feel. . .i think i could have dealt with all of his other BPD behaviours, knowing what i do now. . .but not the constant doubt of if he dysregulates, he'll be cheating.  As i've recovered i hold no false hopes of any intimate relationship with him. . .but i still miss the person and i deeply regret that it feels like we have ended on bad terms because of the need of NC.

[diotima]

Hmmm, I notice that my last post on this thread was in November and it is now February. No way do I want that BP crap back in my life. I do miss the good parts but there is no way my ex could have ever learned how not to be a serial cheater. He was incapable of emotional learning of any kind. Good riddance.
Diotima

[argyle]

Interesting.

When there are more than 4, 5, 6 "break-up/make-up" cycles in a relationship there is something seriously wrong. And when this happens, the conventional relationship expectations are pretty much out the window.

...we're probably at 100+. Urgle.

Why do we get caught up in cycles? Trying to figure that one out.

Are we returning to this person because we are in love with them and the relationship has a chance, or are we returning to this person because they feel safe?
Because I'm in love with her and the R/S has a chance.  Probably not a great chance, but a chance.

Are we afraid to be alone?  
Deathly afraid.  But, also pretty sure that I'd find someone.

Do we have our own abandonment issues?  
Definitely.  Dead father, early age.  Tend to go to pieces.

Are we fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again?  
Nope. Nope. Nada. F* no. Except, maybe, for her smile and the way we laugh together. The next will be better, but less similar, I think.

Are we fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.)  
Of course, but not too much - everything is survivable - just a PITA.

Why do our "BPD" partners recycle?

From the above - fear she won't find someone better (because of her mental issues), fear of financial issues and dating, abandonment issues, and love. We're also both a bit lazy, and divorce is a lot of paperwork.

Inability to deal with acute loneliness. Not particularly.

Severe insecurity / needing validation (from someone that highly values them) Maybe.  But her friends do better than I.

Shame / wanting to prove they are a good person (to us or themselves) Not so much.

Immaturity/Manipulation/Control - the break-up was just a way to get their way. Oh definitely.

Abuse - the break-ups were mostly a way to hurt me.

Scripts - apparently her parents did this a lot.

If You Want to Stay in the Relationship: The ability to end break-up/make-up cycles and stay in a relationship takes a deep commitment by both partners.  This often means structured rehabilitation (counseling, workshops, classes, self-help programs, etc.).

If you are both open to restarting the relationship, remember the problem isn't going to go away without work. Hope is not enough (on both sides).

You may believe that your partner has changed, will change, is sincere this time, will get into treatment if only you come back. They may believe that the you changed.  But unless there is specific work on some serious level is going on - don't count on it.

So far, we've been sticking with DBT and MC. I tried therapy for a while - it was modestly helpful and am currently attending a support group. I'm semi-independently working on boundaries, assertion, and providing a low-stress environment for BPDw. Mindfulness has been helpful, validation very modestly so.

If You Want to Leave the Relationship: The power to end the relationship and end the toxic break-up/make-up cycles lies with you... not your partner.  Moreover, it doesn't help us to blame it on your partner - that tends to make us think that they have a power over us.  Besides, if you both repeatedly recycled you have condition this behavior as "normal" in the relationship - just look at these numbers of break-up/make-up cycles in a recent BPDFamily poll

Number of break-up/make-up cycles (L-3 Leavers)
--------------------------
None
1-2 (not unusual)
3-5 (unhealthy)    
6 - 10 (very unhealthy)    
10 or more (wow)    

100+ (Argyle)...urgle...


So sincerity is not the issue.   The issue is whether the person with BPD (as well as you) can follow through with an emotional commitment.[/list]

Not sure.  I'm giving it about 6 more months - so is she. The marriage has actually improved a lot and, even though she talked about divorce in January, the discussion was a lot less heated.  (Admittedly, did pack her bags.)  It just feels like the oscillations are damping out, pretty rapidly.

--Argyle

[Marvin Martian]

I think what makes it so hard for me to stop "recycling" - if indeed that's what I've been doing - is the knowledge (reasonably sure - I'm more confident about it than many other things that I "know") that what drives the breakups or bad spells is mental disorder.

Because if something is driven by disorder, then there is always the possibility that upon, ah, re-ordering, that things will get better. That possibility is especially tantalizing when the person in question is your wife of many years, and the mother of your children.

So I don't think it's quite as simple as just hoping foolishly that a leopard will not have spots. I think it's more like hoping that a person who coughs on you all the time might eventually stop (or diminish) the coughing, with proper treatment.

Auspicious, your word were pretty helpful. I do accept that she isn't two persons, but one that can get a bit dys-regulated, and tipped over. But at times when she is working on things [like after she read high conflict couple] she is amazing. Yes she is really that amazing. But it is what it is today, and sometimes things are rough, but there is always hope for the future. And with hope and effort, skill, and understanding, she may be freed from the disorder, just in  the way people can recover from a physical ailment.

[tailspin]

We recycle to validate ourselves based upon the mistaken belief that external validation is the only truth.  Once we realize personal validation is the only truth...then the need to be validated from an external source is extinguished.

I wanted him to want me again because I didn't believe I was worthy of being loved in the first place.  I was seeking something from him that didn't exist outside of myself.  I was seeking validation from a person that wasn't even capable of giving validation to himself.

We cannot expect anyone to give us anything we aren't willing to give ourself and this is true regardless if the relationship is healthy or disfunctional.

[SWLSR]

Hello all, many of us here have lurked and posted on the leaving board.  In case you have not, there is a topic that is discussed most often is the subject of are they going to come back.  How one answers this question depends upon their view of where they are with there bpdex at that particular time.  Having studied the issue though digging through research, listening to others and observing my bpd ex, which since we share children nc is not an option, I have come to the following conclusion, the answer is they almost always make and effort to come back, but how, when and where varies from idividual, because not everyone with bpd is exactly alike.  When my exbpd wife first left me out of blue, I wanted her back so bad I could taste it, I did not know about bpd, but several friends of mine who have been through this told me she would come back sometime.  The interesting thing was it sounded more like a warning than a sign of hope. 

If your bpd ex has not yet began a recycle that you know of, they are two possibilties, one is they may already began one and you dont know it or two it is a lot closer to happening than you think.  Here are some of the rules of why I think most do, keep in mind a bpd does not operate under the same runles we nons do.

1. our breakup was so bad that he/she would never want me back. 

In a normal relationship this would be true but with a bpd they lack inpulse control.  Many time in the realtionship when they want something they will do anything to get it.  Well that is what happened when they wanted out of the relationship with us.  Most likley they met who they beleived to be the person of their dreams and we were now in the way.  All they could think about was getting away from us and with this person.  So they did whatever it took to get them, and to get us out of way, with no thought of the consequenses of there action.  But as we know these consequenes have a way of coming back on them.  And the person of there dreams almost always does not work out.  A bpd will justify what they have done.  I say this so do not think just becasue they dumped you in such a horrid way that they will not come try to come back. 

2.  They have moved on, they are even planning to marry this person, they have forgotten about me.  With a bpd there are no rules about coming back into someones life.  They may even marry this new person and still not in there mind rule out another run with you.  Planning to marry is even less meaning to them, just because they say they are planning to marry someone does not mean the other person has agreed to it, often when a bpd leaves you for another, they have been and are being conned.  The person they are with plan to bleed them dry, and at some point after they have they will look for a new host, do not be surprised if this happens they will come back to you.

3. It has been so long they have lost the feeling they had for me.  I am not sure they really ever had a true feeling for them to lose, but whatever they had it does not ever leave them, the way it may leave us.  Long after we loose feeling for them they appear to still have it for us.  It is almost that when a bpd break up happens the bpd starts out with a big advantage, but over time they lose that advantage and fall behind us.  This is when many like to make the attempt on us, for them it is like yesterday we were still togather. 

4.  They have not only said nothing to make me feel they want me back they have pretty much said they will never come back.  This is one that amazes me still, how one day a bpd can from saying that to the next begging you to come back.  Of course as we know a BPD lies alot.  We just usually think they lied about all the good things they once told us and that the bad things are true.  But usually the bad things are lies also.  Now what they really think is anones guess.

So what might trigger a recycle attempt.  One is when we stop chasing them.  They want us to chase them even if they treat us they way they do.  Another is when a bpd finds out they have been replaced.  A bpd can jump right into another relationship maybe even started it before they left us and justify in there minds  But when the day comes they find out that we the non have someone new in our life, it triggers a great sense of unfairness in them.  They feel wronged.  This may trigger them to want us back.  Also at any given time there new love could dump them or they could dump the new love.  It is hard to make sense of this.

In conclusion there are signs to look for.  Returning belongings that are not important to you, having to tell you something about someone you know.  Unlisted phone calls that are hangups.  Even having a third party get involved.  These are signs they are sizing you up for a recycle.  Every once in while they are not able to try the recycle but it usually does happen eventulaly and if you do not respond the bpd may well get more desperate in there attempt.  I can not tell anyone what to do in accepting an attempt just be prepared for the day it come.




   

[Auspicious]

In conclusion there are signs to look for.  Returning belongings that are not important to you, having to tell you something about someone you know.  Unlisted phone calls that are hangups.  Even having a third party get involved.  These are signs they are sizing you up for a recycle.  Every once in while they are not able to try the recycle but it usually does happen eventulaly and if you do not respond the bpd may well get more desperate in there attempt.  I can not tell anyone what to do in accepting an attempt just be prepared for the day it come.

Just to be clear-

1. Relationship recycling isn't something that is done to you. It is a pattern that you choose to participate in.

2. It isn't a good thing, and it's not the same thing as healthy reconciliation. It's a dysfunctional pattern.

As Skip put it:

"Recycling is generally not a good quality.  It is about poor relationship/break-up boundaries.

The recycling is messy.  It's about insecurities or not knowing what you want. I'm not so sure it equates to love."

[SWLSR]

Aus,

I agree with you  the purpose of my statement was based around could a recycle happen not is it a good thing, which for the most part it is not.  I am saying that nothing seems to stop a bpd from trying it, and no matter what a bpd does or say or how long ago it was.  Always be on the lookout for a recycle attempt becasue if they have an opening they will take it.

[eyvindr]

This is a brilliant post. So clearly describes the challenges, and potential underlying issues, causes. Must-read for all of us.

This is more a description of drug use and i'm not suggesting real attachment and love dont have alot to do with a relationship with a BPD sufferer but this dynamic is certainly an element of it.

Yes., for some folks this may be true. I don't think everyone experiences that high. Some people experience a connection.  I suspect attachment and bonding is the reason nons try to figure out how to heal the relationship and understand the disorder. There is a component of compassion and care in our psyche to support our mate when they are struggling. The difficulty is to know when the relationship is a facade and toxic and when support becomes co-dependency and fixing. Understanding how healthy relationships evolve, look like and feel is difficult if these behaviors are not modeled to us as children.

I suspect that's where the deep seated anguish arises, the destruction of the illusion and the fear we did not meet the needs of our partner. Hence, the non is left believing they contributed to the demise of the relationship. Further contact and questioning to try to sort out "what happened" -- so that there is some sort of understanding or closure- is usually fruitless. The BPD creates further damage through their manipulation and lies. This is difficult to comprehend, I suspect some people believe their partner has had an emotional/mental breakdown when experiencing this without understanding what is occurring within their partner. Thus, more contact, more emotional pain or confusion until the realization hits-this is real and the relationship in the beginning was the illusion. The person we loved will not return to us, no matter how hard we try to reach them.

How did we contribute to the demise-through expression of genuine care and concern for our partner-driven by attachment. The overwhelming pain and confusion is due to not only the end of the relationship. There are unique components too, the idealization stage, the bonding, the abrupt end, the verbal abuse that may not have ever occurred prior, the confusing statements, and the unwinding of the relationship is very painful.

Emotional pain is grieving, it hurts. However, the continual grieving without reprieve I think is the unresolved childhood issues. Abused and neglected children may have limited bonding and carry this image inside of being unworthy of love or being terrified it will leave. Not being adored, loved and protected by your parents the first three years of life influences how solid we feel within our core self. The challenge is in order to find this sense of solidness we must learn to love ourselves. I don't think all nons are seeking the high, I think we are struggling with our feelings of attachment to a person we love and care for, and facing the realization they are incapable of feeling the same way for us or themselves. When this happens we revisit our abandonment issues.

People who were unloved as children are not doomed to continuous victimization by emotional predators, nor are we doomed to be BPDs -- but I do believe we must always be aware of what motivates us and be mindful when those triggers are switched. Rather than choosing to jump into another relationship, or sabotage our healthy functioning with addiction/mind altering substances, we chose health in the form of friends, exercise, journaling, or therapy. This mindfulness is the difference - self awareness of our behaviors and it's influences/impact on another person, the ability to care, be genuine, to be in touch with our humanity.

I tried very hard to reach my partner -- not because I remembered the high of our meeting, but because I know he is missing out on something wonderful, the feeling of attachment and connection. However, the deeper pain that remains and I have to work on in therapy are my issues from childhood and figuring out why I didn't trust my instincts the .

Thanks for the posts.

C

Thank you, C, for taking the time to post.

[eyvindr]

So much hard-earned and seriously good insight in this workshop thread. My takeaways:

Relationships are hard, by nature, and when a disorder is in play, they tend to be very difficult to the point of confusing. The end of a relationship is hard as well, because it is usually one person, desiring something out of a relationship that doesn't exist in the current one. A disordered relationship is two fold for the non. Usually the non wants parts of it, and not other parts of it, and has the desire to keep the ones they like and discard the ones they don't. Look at your relationship. Does this dynamic exist?

Even in healthy relationships, there are many questions and feelings post relationship. It is quite natural, and everyone has the right to seek answers to questions, to have communication between the partners to evaluate their own roles in the failures of these relationships. Usually, the end of the relationship does not mean the end of the friendship that existed. After a time of detachment, the friendship can general be resumed. There are communications about what to do with items left over from the relationship, and also feelings left over. This is all completely natural.

So, true, 2010:

So the catch-22 of all of this is that the person who said they loved you actually doesn_

[careman]

But I don't think the struggles are due to these issues, the struggle is we (nons) loved our partners in a meaningful and real way. Not to rescue, or to be fulfilled only out of unmet childhood need. Rather, our ability to love is based on bonding and attachment-the healthy stuff of love, the care, the knowing you are there for another person through the challenges and joys of life. To have it change over night is absolute devastation. It is. And then we pick up the pieces of our shattered hearts and lives and try to figure out what happened.

THANK YOU !

/Careman

[careman]

I suspect thats where the deep seated anguish arises, the destruction of the illusion and the fear we did not meet the needs of our partner. Hence, the non is left believing they contributed to the demise of the relationship. Further contact and questioning to try to sort out "what happened" - so that there is some sort of understanding or closure- is usually fruitless. The BPD creates further damage through their manipulation and lies. This is difficult to comprehend, I suspect some people believe their partner has had an emotional/mental breakdown when experiencing this without understanding what is occuring within their partner. Thus, more contact, more emotional pain or confusion until the realization hits-this is real and the relationship in the beginning was the illusion. The person we loved will not return to us, no matter how hard we try to reach them.

This just hits home for me. THANKS ! 

For me it's like whatever I say or do, my uBPDxgf will just go on and on and on with her behavior. Sometimes my inborn 'relationship mechanics' will interpret her words and actions as a proper response coming out of her. But mostly her words and actions is out of bounds and my 'relationship mechanism' goes zzzzttt - system error...It doesn't matter if the situation at hand is a round of shopping, cooking dinner, recycling attempt, or anything - she'll function the way she functions - dysfunctional, ie her 'relationship mechanics' doesn't function properly, and perhaps even parts in it are missing.

The only exception is the short chapter one - 'Infatuation' - wherein she instead reeeaaallly makes my 'relationship mechanics' purr like a cat. But that too, is a show-off coming out of her manipulative skill.

In the r/s I felt a sense of belonging/we in episodes, not continuously. So maybe she attached for periods? any thoughts on that?

/Careman