Your worst enemy

[Think About It...]

I guess I'm my own worst enemy at times.

I can really suffer from foot in the mouth disease, and then struggle with the regrets of "why did I do/say that?"

Then I wonder... if I struggle to say and do the right thing, I wonder how much harder it is for them?

[united for now]

I guess I'm my own worst enemy at times.

I can really suffer from foot in the mouth disease, and then struggle with the regrets of "why did I do/say that?"

Then I wonder... if I struggle to say and do the right thing, I wonder how much harder it is for them?

[Steph]

 From what H says, that struggle is a constant mental monologue..always, always second guessing, always how bad you messed it up, yet not even sure what you did wrong..or what those feelings really are.

 It aint pretty...

[RSR]

I understand exactly what you're saying in terms of questioning whether you have dones/said the right thing.  However, I guess it bears reminding ourselves that we can only be mindful of what we're doing/saying.  How it's then perceived/twisted/understood/misunderstood is entirely out of our hands.  

This is so much easier said than done though - especially when you want things to work out and be just right w/ your signficant other who suffers from BPD.  THAT is where the "walking on eggshells" enters into play...

[RSR]

Ah, talk about timely...

So my wife called me today to find out how my interview went today.  while she was talking to me, she was chewing on an apple.  So I asked her what she was chewing on, and whether it was yummy because at the time I was starving.  She answered, and we moved on to another topic.  But after I hung up, I started obsessing over whether I should've asked about what she was eating (she has/had bulimia, and she loved to blame me for it). 

Going back to what you were saying earlier about questioning whether you've done/said the right/wrong thing...

Argh!

[gertrude]

Hi UFN - You are one of my heroes - your dedication and purpose is inspiring.  But, you are, after all, only human.  The same way that you put all other positive behaviors into place to improve your relationship, you must also accept that perhaps there may be a time or two when you might just not have said the absolutely perfect thing.  If you start second guessing yourself, and worse, beating up on yourself, you are not accomplishing your purpose.  You should be as ready to forgive yourself as you are to forgive him.  In addition, I dare say that if you make it so comfortable for him you are not doing him a favor b/c there is still the real world to deal with which will absolutely not tip toe around his BPD needs.

So, be kind to yourself.  Chalk it up - it's always good to work hard for what we want - but we don't have to kill ourselves either.  You are doing just fine.  Carol

[mssalty]

I guess I'm my own worst enemy at times.

I can really suffer from foot in the mouth disease, and then struggle with the regrets of "why did I do/say that?"

Then I wonder... if I struggle to say and do the right thing, I wonder how much harder it is for them?

Are there days when you don't really care how much harder it is for them?   

[united for now]

Are there days when you don't really care how much harder it is for them?  

Honestly ? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ yes

There are times when I don't feel like validating. Where what he has said was just too painful or dumb, or when I am too burned out and stressed myself to even think about his needs or his wishes.
I can't just give and give and give.
There are plenty of times where I need to take care of ME first. To protect myself from listening to any more of his bull crap. Where I know he is totally dysregulated and that nothing I can say or do will make a difference. Then things become "save myself first"...

Yeah, I have my bad days...
The good thing ? they are getting fewer, shorter, not as intense, quicker to bounce out of, and farther between - for both of us 

[ifsogirl26]

About how much harder it is for them...
My H said today that it is really hard for him to change all the anger all at once, that he hopes to someday soon not even rage at people on the phone but that it is not happening instantly. He said look how hard it is for you to remember to close the toliet lid so the animals don't drink out of it and then think about how difficult it is for me to change responses that I have allowed myself to have for years and years. It made sense, it really did.
I did want him to be able to understand my reaction and validate me but that wasn't gonna happen BUT once I calmed down and validated him and meant it - I got what I needed from him. I think since we are the ones who have better skills we have to lead the way - they can learn to be more supportive of us as we learn to be validating of them.

[Wanda]

Unf
 I have my days to and get tired to don't we all, it takes a lot to live with a BPD
 I aways wish my husband was on the road that little time away would be really nice, but i am not so lucky he is home every night.
 Sometimes i find myself really not listening to him because of stupid stuff, or his obsession over something  and his going on and on about something
so when he asks me a question i just respond with yes, not really listening and there are times oops! the question wasn't a yes question then i have to ask him to repeat, and he gets angry. oh well.live and learn,
 sorry we aren't human.. and i think all of us on here can say we do alot for our BP"s in our lifes, and work real hard trying to cope daily.
 yep time to take care of you x

[supperone]

                        To me when you ask why the anger, the answer is because thats how they deal, thats what they learned, so to help make better choices they need help, and I believe we are only human, the nons they pick to be with is for a very good reason, which is because we are loving caring people, and it makes the BPD parnter`s perfect mate, until we learn they are ill, and  we can accept there is reason to their unhealthy ways. Some of us work hard to save our BPD, and some feel they must move on. Taking care of yourself does work. It`s hard work, but know we can have our limits somedays too. Does this make sense to you ?   NewLife

[Bella Jordan]

I hope I am not hijacking...

This is definitely something that I am struggling with at the moment.  We are going through a very rough patch as you can see from my previous posts.  I know that he's ill and that he's doing what he feels he needs to do to work through his anger and whatever emotions it is that he's experiencing.  He says he wants a "break", which I assume means he just needs space away from me for a while.  And yet I'm receiving communication (sometimes multiple communications) from him daily.  Case in point:  I woke this morning at 5 a.m. to find he'd messaged me at 3:12 to ask me where I was flying to (a response to my FB status of "scoping out airfare"), at 3:13 to let me know he was home from work, and at 3:24 to let me know that he hoped I was "sleeping with ease tonight."  So confusing.  And I wonder:  do I respond?  If I don't, will it hurt or anger him more?  But I have to focus on me and how his actions and my reactions affect me and MY sanity, too.  And then to log on and see his FB status is "I miss" and his MySpace mood is "lonely."  It's all so petty and juvenile (at least form my perspective).  But in the back of my head all I can think is, "You did this.  You chose this.  You need to respect my boundaries so that I can heal and so that you can understand that your actions have consequences."  I do love him, but I love me too.  I don't want to give in, but I don't want to be cold.  It's such a fine line, and I don't want to continue to walk on eggshells.   ?

[pk]

Bella

It is such a confusing situation and we have all been there or frequent there.  The texting in the middle of the night and jerking your chain is not healthy for you.  I would ignore it.  And like you said, if his facebook is "missing" and "lonely" asking why he is doing it because it doesn't seem to be having the results he desired if he even knows what they are. 
Are you sure he is just not trying to have his freedom while he is keeping tabs on you making sure you don't have ANY?
We do have to ask ourselves to what sacrifice of ourselves are we willing to endure (and why) for them.  And do you think they would really appreciate any sacrifice we do for them. 

at 3:12 to ask me where I was flying to (

I would never answer that.  It is really none of his business.  If fact in the mood I am currently in I would change my FB stat to something new every 15min. "talking with long lost friend", "making plans", "checking out eateries", "checking out cruises", "Looking for bathing suits",  "dreaming", "checking the weather".  Nothing here says you are going away but have some fun anyway.  Yep, as you can see I get tired of the BPD Yo-yo game.
I certainly hope he gets into some good therapy not only for your sake but for his own.  He deserves the healing T can provide

[pk]

I can really suffer from foot in the mouth disease, and then struggle with the regrets of "why did I do/say that?"

Like they said, we are not perfect but you know I think we non's try alot harder than anyone else.  That is where I am having trouble trying to work on my codependency issues.  To what point is our coddling to avoid arguments co-dependent. I know that SET and DEARMAN and validation really work - I have seen it now for myself.   It just seems my whole life I have been "protecting someone from something" or "speaking a certain way" or "behaving a certain way" as to not set off the mentally ill person(s) in my life. I just want to be able to breathe freely and talk without thinking of ramifications first. (sigh)
Someday maybe.

[Bella Jordan]

Are you sure he is just not trying to have his freedom while he is keeping tabs on you making sure you don't have ANY?
We do have to ask ourselves to what sacrifice of ourselves are we willing to endure (and why) for them.  And do you think they would really appreciate any sacrifice we do for them. 

at 3:12 to ask me where I was flying to (

I would never answer that.  It is really none of his business.  If fact in the mood I am currently in I would change my FB stat to something new every 15min. "talking with long lost friend", "making plans", "checking out eateries", "checking out cruises", "Looking for bathing suits",  "dreaming", "checking the weather".  Nothing here says you are going away but have some fun anyway.  Yep, as you can see I get tired of the BPD Yo-yo game.
I certainly hope he gets into some good therapy not only for your sake but for his own.  He deserves the healing T can provide

Oh, the yo-yo games are exhausting indeed!  As for whether or not he's trying to have his freedom while keeping tabs on me, I think there is some truth in that.  I know that my Facebook statuses and the fact that I'm not contacting him (i.e., staying busy, distracted, focusing on me, etc) make him curious.  As far as his freedom is concerned, we have mutual friends who have assured me that there is no one else, nor is he looking.  My closest friend is his neighbor and says that when he's not at work, he's ALWAYS home - she's run into him on multiple occasions, and there have been no other women to be found.  (It also helps that we have a joint cell account, which allows me to keep tabs on calls, text, etc) 

But you're right - it ISN'T any of his business.  I suppose I'm trying to be civil because I'm inherently a peacemaker and a mediator.  I grew up doing it, and it's the mode in which I feel most comfortable and constructive.  He definitely does need therapy, though.  I believe that this is in large part why his father and stepmother have been in contact with me, wanting to know how I'm doing.  I sense that they've witnessed this behavior on multiple/many occasions in the past and want to see how it's impacting me, as well as figure out how to help him.