Handling re-entry? Really need some help preparing

[Think About It...]

So...if anyone remembers from my last few posts, my partner has been away all weekend with her "BFF".  Ditching me and the kids yet again for a romanticized (if not romantic?) weekend with this person.  The last weekend before our oldest daughter leaves for camp for 3 1/2 weeks for the first time.  The weekend where one daughter has a riding competition and the other has her last soccer game of the season.

This type of behavior has been going on for about 6 months.  Other woman is married with two kids - don't think it is a full blown sexual affair although very well could be at this point.  Certainly an emotional one as the contact is near constant  (24/7 as THEY describe it) and the intensity unbelievable.

She left with some seeming remorse on Friday a.m. - asking me if I was "ok" before she left and then saying..."it's no big deal, right, just a weekend away" as if to convince herself.  I didn't respond.  It has been exruciating this weekend as I ferried the kids around to varius activities and felt their sadness at her absence.  I have been all over the map emotinally - calm and thinking it was ok and that maybe I was over-reacting to crying my eyes out thinking about them together in one of our favorite places.

On a high note, my oldest daugher won three ribbons at her riding competition!  She asked me afterwards why "mom couldn't be here."  In the past, I would have tried to cover her.  Now I just said..."you'll have to ask her."

So now...she'll be home tonight - after stopping in NH to have dinner with "BFFs" parents - (that is starting to seem like couple behavior, isn't it?).  Anyway, she'll be home tonight around 8:00 or 9:00.  BFF has to spend some time with her husband to celebrate father's day, I guess.

So...do I...

a. just make sure me and the kids are in bed so that I don't have to face her and risk a confrontation.
b. confront her with how much I think this all sucked.  And ask her to help me understand how I should view this relationship.  Probably the most rational, "normal" response.  But this will very much potentially put me back in the vein of the "bad guy" who doesn't understand her and her needs and push her even closer to "BFF."  She will call BFF and tell her that I was mean when she came home, for example.  And they can commisserate together.  Probably plays right into hands of manipulative BFF.
b. be waiting up and "validate" her behavior by gushing while she regails me with stories about how much fun they had.  Thereby continuing my quest to get back into "ally" status and get her to open up to me more.  All the while churning inside b/c she is taking advantage so much and so clearly prioritizing this person over our family.
c. be up but act like she was never away.  Don't ask how it went.  Maintain full distance and detachment.  Hard to do w/out it coming across as stilted.  She may see it as punishing.
d. not be here - be out at a movie with the kids.  A little punishing but shouldn't she know that we are not going to sit around and wait for her all the time?  But don't want to ever use kids as weapon.
e. go through the house and throw away every momento from this person (they are ALL OVER THE HOUSE) and tell K. when she returns that I am taking back my house and she can leave if she doesn't like it.  In some ways, I like this option best because it feels like I am taking back some power and control over my own life.  Although with a cooler head, I am not sure I'd like the ultimate outcome.
f. call the husband and ask him what he thinks of all this?  I'm sure he'll tell his wife and then all hell will really break loose.  Maybe I should send him the playlists I found.  Maybe that would wake him up?

Or something else entirely?

Would really, really appreciate opinions.

[United]

So...if anyone remembers from my last few posts, my partner has been away all weekend with her "BFF".  Ditching me and the kids yet again for a romanticized (if not romantic?) weekend with this person.  The last weekend before our oldest daughter leaves for camp for 3 1/2 weeks for the first time.  The weekend where one daughter has a riding competition and the other has her last soccer game of the season.

This type of behavior has been going on for about 6 months.  Other woman is married with two kids - don't think it is a full blown sexual affair although very well could be at this point.  Certainly an emotional one as the contact is near constant  (24/7 as THEY describe it) and the intensity unbelievable.

She left with some seeming remorse on Friday a.m. - asking me if I was "ok" before she left and then saying..."it's no big deal, right, just a weekend away" as if to convince herself.  I didn't respond.  It has been exruciating this weekend as I ferried the kids around to varius activities and felt their sadness at her absence.  I have been all over the map emotinally - calm and thinking it was ok and that maybe I was over-reacting to crying my eyes out thinking about them together in one of our favorite places.

On a high note, my oldest daugher won three ribbons at her riding competition!  She asked me afterwards why "mom couldn't be here."  In the past, I would have tried to cover her.  Now I just said..."you'll have to ask her."

So now...she'll be home tonight - after stopping in NH to have dinner with "BFFs" parents - (that is starting to seem like couple behavior, isn't it?).  Anyway, she'll be home tonight around 8:00 or 9:00.  BFF has to spend some time with her husband to celebrate father's day, I guess.

So...do I...

a. just make sure me and the kids are in bed so that I don't have to face her and risk a confrontation.
b. confront her with how much I think this all sucked.  And ask her to help me understand how I should view this relationship.  Probably the most rational, "normal" response.  But this will very much potentially put me back in the vein of the "bad guy" who doesn't understand her and her needs and push her even closer to "BFF."  She will call BFF and tell her that I was mean when she came home, for example.  And they can commisserate together.  Probably plays right into hands of manipulative BFF.
b. be waiting up and "validate" her behavior by gushing while she regails me with stories about how much fun they had.  Thereby continuing my quest to get back into "ally" status and get her to open up to me more.  All the while churning inside b/c she is taking advantage so much and so clearly prioritizing this person over our family.
c. be up but act like she was never away.  Don't ask how it went.  Maintain full distance and detachment.  Hard to do w/out it coming across as stilted.  She may see it as punishing.
d. not be here - be out at a movie with the kids.  A little punishing but shouldn't she know that we are not going to sit around and wait for her all the time?  But don't want to ever use kids as weapon.
e. go through the house and throw away every momento from this person (they are ALL OVER THE HOUSE) and tell K. when she returns that I am taking back my house and she can leave if she doesn't like it.  In some ways, I like this option best because it feels like I am taking back some power and control over my own life.  Although with a cooler head, I am not sure I'd like the ultimate outcome.
f. call the husband and ask him what he thinks of all this?  I'm sure he'll tell his wife and then all hell will really break loose.  Maybe I should send him the playlists I found.  Maybe that would wake him up?

Or something else entirely?

Would really, really appreciate opinions.

[pk]

Hi United!
So glad to hear from you and so glad you were able to be there with the girls this weekend. It sounds so exciting.  My stepdaughter is grown up and how I miss those times when she was performing or competing - growing up before my very eyes!  How lucky you are and they sound sooooo awesome.

On a high note, my oldest daugher won three ribbons at her riding competition!  She asked me afterwards why "mom couldn't be here."  In the past, I would have tried to cover her.  Now I just said..."you'll have to ask her."

That is good. It is not your job to make up excuses for her behavior.  That is a form of enabling or codependency or something.  She needs to face the music for her own behavior.  We can't cover for them forever and it drains too much of our precious energy.

just make sure me and the kids are in bed so that I don't have to face her and risk a confrontation.

If it were me, I would try to keep the routine as much "normal" for the kids as you can but only if there is time for the one going to camp to see her before she leaves. Important for D obviously.

b. confront her with how much I think this all sucked.  And ask her to help me understand how I should view this relationship.  Probably the most rational, "normal" response.

Yes this would probably be rational and normal and you may even want to write it down.  Maybe if you read it you could remember more calmly all the points you want to bring out.  My BPDh is always on a little high when he comes home and sometimes says stuff like "I came home just to hear you btch at me?"  so stay calm so she doesn't move to "defensive mode".
If she is unwilling to listen to you or hear you in any way then maybe you need to emotionally separate yourself from her until she lowers her walls and will be receptive.  This is not being "gamey" like their silent treatment is but if she is not willing to hear you and work on things you are probably, with right, going to be angry, passive/aggressive and any conversation you have might have little digs in there like "If you would have been here instead of running around you would know  . . . "   

be waiting up and "validate" her behavior by gushing while she regails me with stories about how much fun they had.  Thereby continuing my quest to get back into "ally" status and get her to open up to me more.

Maybe not validate her behavior but maybe you want you to come in for a few moments, let her know you are glad she is home and tell her how much you missed her.  Ask her how her trip was and she how she responds.  She may have had a sucky time or need to talk which can then easily open up the walls so you can gently blend into your conversation of how much she did miss this weekend and how you are not happy with the amount of time she is not with you and the kids and how this other person seems to have taken you place.  My BPDh never seem to get that I
wanted to be the person he ran to, talked to, told secrets to, had wine by candlelight, etc.  But if you let her come in and know this is a place where she is loved and wanted she will not be as initially defensive.  My BPDh once told me it was like he was a puppy that had wandered away from home and he was so excited that he had found his way home but as he came in the door wanting reassurance and love . he got hit with the newspaper and called "bad dog".  So greet her in, let her unwind or self destruct or whatever she needs to do initially before talking to her.

All the while churning inside b/c she is taking advantage so much and so clearly prioritizing this person over our family.

There will be no churning.  Just kidding, I wouldn't go as far as wanting to know all the detail like this whole thing was OK with you but let her calm down and stop spinning a little before the discussion. She may be nervous/guilty about coming home anyway and the quickest way to relieve guilt is to pick a fight.  She may even bait you for an argument to ease her feelings of guilt- don't fall for it. Stay non combative.  If she wants a fight, let her battle it out on the inside.

c. be up but act like she was never away.  Don't ask how it went.  Maintain full distance and detachment.  Hard to do w/out it coming across as stilted.  She may see it as punishing

She would probably just call BFF to whine and complain.  And she was away and things DO need to be dealt with at some time.  I think you have probably been taking this approach some in the past and it hasn't worked.  Try something new.

d. not be here - be out at a movie with the kids.  A little punishing but shouldn't she know that we are not going to sit around and wait for her all the time?  But don't want to ever use kids as weapon.

Actually not a bad idea as long as it wouldn't be too difficult on the kids schedule/ routine.  But that way you are not building up a tornado inside thus creating an ulcer and you are having a great time with the kids!  Sounds like fun to me!  Then is she says something like "how could you do that I missed the kids and wanted to see them, you could then point out what she missed all weekend.  Ok, a little catty but not undeserved.

. go through the house and throw away every momento from this person (they are ALL OVER THE HOUSE) and tell K. when she returns that I am taking back my house and she can leave if she doesn't like it.  In some ways, I like this option best because it feels like I am taking back some power and control over my own life.  Although with a cooler head, I am not sure I'd like the ultimate outcome.

Ahhh, this one does feel good initially but I can just see me doing this and  at the last minute changing my mind and scrambling around trying to find what I did with those D**n rocks so I could put them back out.  I see the symbolism in taking back you life but you are right, probably too much direct confrontation. 
Maybe you could give the rocks to the girls and have them spell out "We love You" or "welcome home" in the yard or driveway or something.  She souldn't really yell at them and you could just do a "what, they are just rocks and they missed you" (tehe - I am so bad!) You probably shouldn't really do this.

call the husband and ask him what he thinks of all this?  I'm sure he'll tell his wife and then all hell will really break loose.  Maybe I should send him the playlists I found.  Maybe that would wake him up?

Sooo tempting.  Maybe you could fake something like being out of phone reception range and then call him and say  something like, "Have you heard from them because I haven't gotten a call from them in (blank) hrs and I was wondering if they were OK."  Then you could verbalize something like "I hope this is the last weekend away.  I have run out of excuses to tel the kids as to why Mom is not around and it is a real drain on the budget and family time."  (acting a little fed up)  He may clam up and  get off the phone asap or he may jump right in and say "me too, this is crap".  We don't know where his feeling are on this but unless he has "activities on the side" he is probably irritated too.  If you at least gave him an ear to bend, he may want to unload and then be an ally.  Remember some men like the idea of their woman with another woman so unless he is getting left out he may not be all that bummed about it.  I would think his male ego would be a little bent out of shape though.

I am not sure I'd like the ultimate outcome.

 
This is probably not the time for ultimatums because as you said you may not like the outcome and when they feel trapped BPD's fight like wild animals.  I gave an ultimatum to my first husband, "Give up drugs or give me up cause I can't live that way!"  He thought for a moment and said "I am sure gonna miss you". Not the response I expected.

Hang in there.  Have a beautiful day with the girls. Make those wonderful memories.  These special times with you are the rocks they will stand on to reach their dreams.  Again. (sigh) missing those times with stepdaughter.  Sometime she would get soo quiet and so we would go shopping and then, right in the middle of trying something on she would just blurt out whatever was bothering her and get it off her chest.  I wish I had these validation and communication skills then- what a help it would have been in those teen years

[truefriend]

8 or 9? She stops off at BFF parent's house for dinner first? WTH! Today is Father's Day. So...she will waltz in when the day is over? Seriously everyone is getting more of her than you. Today should be about you. Honoring all you do for the family. How appreciative the family is for the great living you contribute for their well being. I wouldn't cut her any slack. I would not be there when she got home. I would be out with the kids. I would plan a late dinner out with them and then something afterwards. This would throw you really late. Is the mean? Who cares? Some times you just have to fight fire with fire. This is your day. I also would not engage in a conversation with her about what a great time she had. BS! She should have been sending you away for a nice relaxing weekend to come home for a special day today awaiting you. I wouldn't care if she got mad at me or not I wouldn't talk to her about it, and I darn sure wouldn't validate any feelings with her. I also wouldn't tell her anything that went on with the kids or me, she should have stayed her a$$ home if she was interested. Then tomorrow night I would call home after work and tell her I'm going out with the guys and I would go. That you needed ME time. No excuses, no feeling guilty, just do it. That prolongs a talk one more night. Besides...she can always talk to her BFF

[truefriend]

Well United I did it again...forget all the Father's Day stuff...since you are in a Lesbian relationship...But the idea remains the same! Or worse yet...I would assume there is probably something sexual going on there...

so sorry I assumed wrong!

[Steph]

 This time is about taking care of you and the kids...You are doing an awesome job with your kids, of course..( and awesome news, BTW)

  My question to you is this..What do YOU want to do?

My personal opinion is to do that...Certainly, taking the stance of how SHE will take it is leaning to codependancy. She didnt seem to mind your feelings or spending the money you make..family money..for her excursion.

 If you dont want this to happen again, then something needs to change. It might blow up in your face..yet it isnt likely that the BFF is going to leave her H at this point. She prob isnt going to haul off and leave you with the kids, either..She wants her cake, she wants it all, she wants what she wants when she wants it.

  I wouldnt want this to happen again..and I would be prepared to make that known to her, strongly. Set boundaries. Do it calmly..firmly..and mean them. If you dont put it out there, another weekend, week, etc, will be right around the corner because you saying nothing, to her, implies your consent and willingness to let her go exploring.

 All of this is my opinion, tho...its important that you be comfortable with how you handle it.

Her disregard for you, your kids and your feelings is irresponsible to the relationship, its rude, its unloving, its mean, it is unfair, it is NOT appropriate in your case. Believing that, on your part, makes sense.  She is in the wrong here, not you. She is going to be ok with doing it again unless things change.

Steph

[United]

No truefriend, you are exactly right.  We usually celebrate "maddy's day" today.  The girls call me "maddy" - my oldest made it up when she was first beginning to talk.  We celebrate k. on mother's day and me on maddy's day.  My oldes (11) made me breakfast this morning and then said that she was a little sad that we weren't all together.  I could see that she was thinking hard about it.  I sighed and said that I was a little sad, too.  Ugggghhhhh...

I really don't know what to do.  She really seems to have convinced herself that this is all ok and that any push back from me is simply me trying to control her.  Pk said in an earlier post that the best way to let them off the hook is to pick a fight with them.  Anything I do to question her will set her off and start a fight.  I will continue to be the bad guy and it will continue to justify this relationship in her mind.  I am such a rational, even-keeled person that I find this all SO HARD to deal with.  It is so plain to me that this is all wrong but her warped sense of reality has everything twisted.

[Steph]

I really don't know what to do.  She really seems to have convinced herself that this is all ok and that any push back from me is simply me trying to control her.  Pk said in an earlier post that the best way to let them off the hook is to pick a fight with them.  Anything I do to question her will set her off and start a fight.  I will continue to be the bad guy and it will continue to justify this relationship in her mind.  I am such a rational, even-keeled person that I find this all SO HARD to deal with.  It is so plain to me that this is all wrong but her warped sense of reality has everything twisted.

  Shes convinced herself that its all ok..what have you done to let her know it is NOT ok with you? If that makes you the bad guy in her mind, thats ok..and thats also typical BPD behavior. If you say nothing, what will happen? Think about this..there are possibilities that this relationship could end yours and she would blame you because you didnt let her know you cared. It could also blow over, the BFF could end it, etc..whatever. My point is...that your boundaries are being violated and unless you point them out to her, not only is she walking all over you, YOU are allowing it.

 A person with BPD sees stuff in black and white. Right now, she thinks she has your blessing. She has no other info to go on. You are left in a martyr sort of codependant position.

 Why are you afraid of her thinking you are the bad person? Again, if she has BPD, ANY time you disagree you run that risk..She is mentally ill and right now, she is running your 20 yr relationship into the ground, and she feels she has your ok. In fact, you paid for it. It isnt such a far stretch that she could interpret this as you not caring about her..you know?

Yep, right now she is having her fun. Right now, she thinks you are ok with it and yet you are not at all ok with it. Something is seriously broken in your relationship.

Time for some communication, I think

Steph

[United]

Steph,
I have pushed back on the relationship (although I probably did it all wrong - ie erupting in anger out of complete frustration after the fifteenth time she gets up from the dinner table to go text).  But each time I have, she reacts with...

"I don't know why I have to justify this relationship."
"W.'s husband is ok w/ it...so why aren't you (although I don't know for sure if this is the case - he also may not know as much as I do about how they've been behaving)."
"There's something wrong w/ you, not me"
"You're just trying to control me and isolate me."
"You asked me not to have an innappropriate relationship w/ W. and I'm not" eg anything short of sleeping w/ her is ok.

So...I've started just letting it go and letting her do whatever the hell she wants in the hopes that it will blow up, peter out or something but not because I blew it up.

[truefriend]

No truefriend, you are exactly right.  We usually celebrate "maddy's day" today.  The girls call me "maddy" - my oldest made it up when she was first beginning to talk.  We celebrate k. on mother's day and me on maddy's day.  My oldes (11) made me breakfast this morning and then said that she was a little sad that we weren't all together.  I could see that she was thinking hard about it.  I sighed and said that I was a little sad, too.  Ugggghhhhh...

I really don't know what to do.  She really seems to have convinced herself that this is all ok and that any push back from me is simply me trying to control her.  Pk said in an earlier post that the best way to let them off the hook is to pick a fight with them.  Anything I do to question her will set her off and start a fight.  I will continue to be the bad guy and it will continue to justify this relationship in her mind.  I am such a rational, even-keeled person that I find this all SO HARD to deal with.  It is so plain to me that this is all wrong but her warped sense of reality has everything twisted.

Well leave it to kids to come up with something creative "maddy's day". Cute. I'm sorry today is so bad for you...you sure don't seem deserving of that. I hope you enjoy your day and again I would stress I would confront her on this and also set boundries that it doesn't happen again. I would state..."this is harmful to our relationship, and if you value it, you will begin today showing that you do. I hope you hear what I am saying because I'm not bluffing here. The ball is now in your court...too much time and energy is going in to this other relationship and is taking away from the children and me. You have choices and so do I. This is not my choice for a relationship and I have the option of walking away if it does not meet my expectations. This one right now isn't"

And I would mean it...I wouldn't put up with rages, fits, or even remotely engage in anything negative. I would simply tell her...don't bother unpacking, your leaving. Then I would gently take her by the arm and lead her to the door, bag and all. It's the only thing that will wake her up. Very strong firm boundries...    

[MaybeSo]

If your were just a bit chagrined at her behavior but it wasn't 'awful' for you...everybody has different ideas/opionions about what is 'normal' in a relationship afterall...if it didn't bother you very much then putting up with it would make sense.  Maybe it would be bit irritating, but not a deal breaker.

But you strike me from your writings as someone who does not see this as just kind of irritating.  You seem to have a fairly traditional view of relationships, and like the majority of people...not all, but probably most, you find your wife's behavior to be unacceptable.  I would, too. I find everything about your current situation to be selfish and cruel toward you and your kids...This, for me at least, would be a total deal breaker if it did not stop in it's tracks like right now.  I mean like right now.  Her behavior is just bullsht  (sorry I get passionate).  Kids or no kids.  this is bothering you A LOT and it's obvious why it would.  You have every right to be bothered by it and to NOT tolerate it.

Boundaries I suppose are the only way to forge ahead with this.  Perhaps write down what you can and cannot live with and then share it with her, preferrably when the kids are not around so if there's yelling they are not exposed to it.  Also, for yourself, get clear on what you cannot tolerate and waht you need to do for yourself if she cannot respect your boundaries.

I really feel for you, going through much of the same kind of crap on my end.  Hang in there, and best to you.

If you tolerate this behavior long term out of fear of losing her or whatever...you will  make yourself sick.  That will not be good for either you or your kids.   

[Steph]

May I take a crack at this? I will use validation and boundaries and a tactic to keep things on topic..my replies start with **

"I don't know why I have to justify this relationship."
** Why do you feel I am asking you to justify the relationship?
This keeps you from defending yourself and keeps the topic on topic..which is this relationship.

"W.'s husband is ok w/ it...so why aren't you (although I don't know for sure if this is the case - he also may not know as much as I do about how they've been behaving)."
 ** as tempting as it is to say " If Johnnys mom thought it was ok to play in a cave with poisonous snakes doesnt mean I think its ok for you...DONT. You can see, tho, how she is using kid logic to get her own way. Instead.." You are right. I am not ok with this relationship. I would like to talk about this. Would you like to do this now, or after the kids are gone this weekend?" Keeps the spotlight on the topic, NOT on you or the husband or..whatever.
"There's something wrong w/ you, not me"
  ** I hear that you think that I am saying there is something wrong with you. I am confused. Can you tell me more about that? I care about how it is you feel this way
  Again...keeps the focus on her and the issue, not you defending and explaining yourself..which isnt what you want to do..tho SHE does because it takes the focus off of her and puts it on you..and takes the relationship out of the light.
"You're just trying to control me and isolate me."
  ** Can you talk more about this? I understand that this would feel upsetting..can you help me understand? Again, points that finger back to the topic..or at least away from you..No defending..just put it back on her to talk about
"You asked me not to have an innappropriate relationship w/ W. and I'm not" eg anything short of sleeping w/ her is ok.

  ** You are right. I did ask that of you. I have concerns that this relationship is not appropriate any longer. I have concerns about your level of emotional and/or physical involvement. I feel our relationship is in trouble and I am unhappy. I feel this is important for us to talk about, either with one another or with one another and a therapist.

 At any point, if she becomes verbally abusive or physically..walk away, leave, etc..make sure the kids are safe..and let her know you will talk about this later, after things calm down. Then, do so.

 You cannot stop her from seeing whoever she wants to see. You are responsible to let her know your concerns, however, and boundaries you need to set for yourself ( no more weekends per your money, etc)

  How well do you know this BFF? What are your thoughts? Is she someone unhappy in her life, is she coming out, is she bi? What do you think is the attraction? Is she also BPD?

 Dont worry about being the bad guy. If she has BPD, you are the bad guy when there is a power outage, when she cant find her pen, when the kids need to be picked up from school and when she is late for work

Steph

[United]

Ok...here is what I think I'll do.  I will have the discussion about how I felt about this weekend but not tonight.  I have worked myself up all weekend and not sure dealing with it the night she comes home will be productive - per pk - will only justify her behavior and start  the "why did I even come home" rant.

I think I will take the kids out for dinner and a move and not be here when she gets home.  I will leave her a note informing her where we are b/c I would expect same (b/c of the kids).  Note will say "glad you made it home.  Bowling, dinner, movie the kids.  A-"

I will come home, put the kids to bed, and watch a movie.  I will be cordial but detached.  I will work up what I am going to say and run it by T. on Tuesday.  will also pressure test it here.  Will take it up w/ her later this week or next weekend.

[Steph]

 Good! You have a plan in place AND a nice evening with the kids planned :D

  I am backing up a little..other than this relationship issue, what symptoms of BPD has she shown in the past? Has she, herself, been diagnosed? Has there been abuse of any sort in the past?

Steph

[pk]

It isnt such a far stretch that she could interpret this as you not caring about her..you know?

Sometimes I could swear my BPDh wants me to stop him, give him boundaries and rules.  Like a child that wants discipline and structure and will keep behaving worse until someone stops him.  Remember they can be very child like at times.

There's something wrong w/ you, not me"
"You're just trying to control me and isolate me."
"You asked me not to have an innappropriate relationship w/ W. and I'm not" eg anything short of sleeping w/ her is ok.

I have heard these exact same words/denials/accusations all designed to keep you in the fog.
Sounds like you have a good plan for how to handle it.  Therapist is a good choice to bounce off of. Good idea.
Good luck and take care of you. 

[United]

Steph,
She is not diagnosed.

Here is how it has played out...
Has cut and burned herself in the past
Has a long-standing drinking problem
Lies/evades w/ some degree of frequency
Went into a deep, deep depression about 12 months ago.  Really extreme mood swings.
Started painting me as the enemy about a year ago.  Everything I do is suspect.  Everything I do has an ulterior motive.
Started this "intense friendship" about 6-8 months ago.  Has steadily escalated to the point of constant contact

[Steph]

Ahh...

  Long standing drinking problem is a huge thing..alcoholism progresses, as you likely know, and can change personality, behaviors, etc. Extreme mood swings could be related to that, related to menopausal stuff, or other mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder, and there seems a degree of paranoia as well.

 Seems like there are many questions around whats really going on with her, and it makes sense for you, then, is to be taking the best care of yourself as possible. Have you ever gone to Alanon to address your own care regarding her drinking?

  Alcoholism can cause her lack of awareness of your feelings, her disregard of the relationship and her attitide of being the "Queen Baby"...meaning shes a baby inside, yet wants to rule the world. Its possible she has other mental health stuff..likely, in fact, under alcoholism.

  Does any of this fit?

Steph

Has she ever recieved treatment?

[truefriend]

United...So what was her mood last night when she came home? Were you distant?

[United]

She texted me that she was leaving medfield at 10:30.  I ignored text.

She just came home at 11:15. I was in bed - trying to act like I could give a sh*t.  Heard her pull up.  She stood in the driveway texting her "bff" for a few minutes - as if the last 72 hours weren't enougth.

Came in and came upstairs and into the bedroom.  Said all sweetness and light "I'm home, hon."  She is never that sweet to me.  I grunted something.  She asked "Do you need anything?"  What - she nevers asks me that...  I say "no."

She says that she is going to go have a beer.   Would I like her to have it upstairs or downstairs.  I say "whichever you prefer."  She goes into the bathroom off our bedroom and I can hear her sigh.  She comes back in asking again "Do you need anything."  I say in a strained voice "no, I'm fine."  She backs off.

She says "sounds like you had a great day with the girls today."  I say nothing.  She asks where we went bowling, where we went to dinner, etc.  I answer in single words.  She says - "so your last text about taking the girls to the beach this week what are you thinking" (I had texted her that I was planning on taking the girls to the beach on Tuesday - assidiously not inviting her along).  I simply said "let's talk about it in the morning."  She said ok and backed off finally.

Funny...she is never this nice to me.  I could have just gone with it and actually had some warmth from her but this whole weekend just seems so wrong.  She could have been home hours ago to see me and the kids.  She chose not to. 

This morning.  I am sitting on the couch reading and she comes in.  A little agitated.  I ask her if she had a good trip.  She says, yes and thank you.  Then she launches into saying how we have different parenting styles and that she has to let go and accept that.  And let me the parent I want to be.  I am wondering where all this is going...she is irritated about a decision I made this weekend about having to leave oldest at riding competition when it ran long to take younges to final soccer game of the season.  She says she would have made a different decision and kept the "family" together.  I wanted to say that "family" wasn't together but bit my tongue.  then she asked me about taking the girls to the beach on tuesday.  I told her that going to ogunquit to kick off the summer was important to me, that we had done it for years and I wanted to do before oldest went to camp on wed.  Weather didn't work this weekend so tuesday is the last day.  She retaliated with so if I want to keep kids out of camp some day this Summer for "mommy time" that it would be ok.  I told her that this wasn't about her.

then she said the reason she stayed at W. for an additional 2 hours when they got back into town instead of coming home was to talk to W.'s husband about the trip to make him feel a part of things.  Implying that I wasn't worthy of that.

Then she launched into some other things - her mother said that I dropped in on her brother and asking why I did that.  Basically put me on the defensive right away.  I tried my best to use all these techniques of validation and so we avoided a massive fight but she got the conflict she was looking for.


 

[pk]

This must just totally suck for you! 

She says she would have made a different decision and kept the "family" together.  I wanted to say that "family" wasn't together but bit my tongue.

What choice did you have since you were doing all the "parenting" solo this weekend. She put you and the kids in that position, not you.

She comes back in asking again "Do you need anything."

]
You did so good!  I would have to have sniped back -"yes the person I am committed to, here, with me to raise these precious girls and be my partner.  Yes, I need a partner to share my life with."  (actually I did have to say this one and I meant it.  Life is short and I want someone by my side for the trip.  If my BPDh couldn't do it then I would find someone who would. Luckily he stepped up to be that person)

then she said the reason she stayed at W. for an additional 2 hours when they got back into town instead of coming home was to talk to W.'s husband about the trip to make him feel a part of things.  Implying that I wasn't worthy of that.

Perhaps you should tell her  YOU don't feel a part of things.  You just feel used and overlooked and disrespected and frustrated and taken for granted and . . .  jump in here anywhere kiddo - How are you feeling right now?  Do you know what you want or need to take care of you?  I hate this pain we must feel. 

She did throw you a bone there- he must not be alright with all of this either or it wouldn't have taken 2 hours to "include"  him.  I am touched she was so concerned with HIS feelings but, oh, what about her 2 little girls feelings!  They sure don't feel "included".

Sorry, I just can identify with the feelings and I come across as a little bitter- OK, alot bitter.  Please read rationally what I am writing emotionally.  x  Find a little happiness today wherever you can.

[United]

Pk,
Trying to validate her so that she can't keep defining me as the opposing force.  Taking a page from your book, I just sent her an email with the following...


I’m glad you had a good time this weekend and I hope it was all you were hoping for and more. I hope you came back rejuvenated.   I am glad you’re home.

My plan is to take up the discussion of how I felt about this weekend tonight or tomorrow night when we have the initial stress of re-entry behind us.

I think I have done some things recently which to most people would seem innocous but served to put her on the defensive/make her suspicious...calling "bff's" husband on saturday to ask him if I could give daughter's riding instructor his name to call him if there was an emergency while I was at the soccer game (they live very close by to the stable my daughter rides at) and dropping in on her brother to check on him when their mother seemed worried.  He lives close to where I work in NY and is a very unstable binge drinker.  My partner has little to no relationship with him and clearly has some deep seated emotions about him.  I have a sense that there may have been some deeply traumatic experience w/ him in their childhood.  He was a violent drinker at an early age and I know about some of the instances but I am starting to suspect there's more. 

Anyway...these things have made her suspicious and I think - made her feel like she is losing control of me.  I am just starting to realize how much she has controlled me over the years by managing my outside interactions.  Since I have been so focused on building a life and a career, I have let her manage all of our family and friendships.  This has isolated me.

A-