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Author Topic: Death threat?  (Read 763 times)
chaser

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« on: July 04, 2009, 04:21:23 PM »

My BPDGF of three years and I are having some troubles to say the least.  Earlier in the year, she was physical with me on at least four occasions.  During two of these, she threatened my life.  She told me once, she could kill me, and the other time she said she should kill me. I dismissed this at the time (what was I thinking?), but now am wondering. I have never told anyone I would kill them, let alone a loved one. How serious could she be, and should I take those threats seriously? We have set boundaries since then, and there have been no more physical altercations between us.
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Exonerated
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« Reply #1 on: July 04, 2009, 04:44:08 PM »

Hello chaser,

All death threats from a BPD should be taken seriously. Have you ever read about Betty Broderick?



Betty drove her Chevrolet Suburban through the front of Dan's house, early one morning, while he and his new wife slept, and shot them both dead.

My BPDw threatened to kill me in my sleep, and the psychologist said, "I'm not trying to scare you, but do you know the difference between a psychopath, and a psychopathic killer?"

I said no.

So the psychologist said, a psychopathic killer is only a psychopath who decided to kill.


Cheers,
On_Parole
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"When the pain of change is less than the pain of staying the same, then we will change.", Paul V Harris (Mr Harris was burned 85% of his body 3rd degree burns and survived)
GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board.
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
Mousse
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« Reply #2 on: July 04, 2009, 04:59:34 PM »

Hi chaser  x

That's pretty awful stuff to hear from a loved one.  I am really glad your boundary on physical violence is holding.  Is there anything in particular that is worrying you about her threats now?  Or is it that you are learning more about the disorder and how wrong that behavior is (emerging from the FOG?)

Anyway, I believe you should always take such threats seriously, especially when repeated and accompanied by violence.

What's going on with you two these days?  Have things gotten better without the violence?

 love  Mousse
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Freedom begins with an act of defiance. Pain is part of life, but suffering is a choice.
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) - National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA)

chaser

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« Reply #3 on: July 04, 2009, 05:14:39 PM »

Things have improved somewhat, although she did give me a good push during an argument recently. Her eyes became very large as it happened, and she knew what she had done. She apologized profusely, and I reminded her of our boundaries and she has not touched me since. As I learn more about BPD, and reflect on the last three years, some things concern me more than they previously had. I cannot dismiss anything now, as I know there is so much more happening than I had thought.  We are about to take a one month NC break, and then see how we feel about each other after that. I'm worried about her hurting herself, or hurting me by having a fling during the month. We agreed that we would not do anything to endanger our relationship, so she is promising me to be faithful.  Time will tell...
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Mousse
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« Reply #4 on: July 04, 2009, 05:28:53 PM »

chaser,
You sound like you are doing better, and definitely starting to emerge from the FOG.

It's good that she realized what she was doing was wrong DURING her act of DV against you, and apologized, but those death threats cannot be ignored.  And as OP pointed out, female abusers are highly likely to use weapons to kill men.  Does she have any?   Is she in treatment?

I hope the month of NC works for you.  It sounds like you want to know if you will want her back after a month of "detox".  What's her reason for doing it?  Did she readily agree?  How will NC work as far as your child goes?

 Sorry for all the questions.  I'm just glad you are finding your line in the sand, and I hope she can follow through and pursue healing.  Yes, the NC month may result in infidelity, or self-harm.  With regards to the first, all you can do is have a strong, "dealbreaker" boundary, and hope she honors it.  As for the latter, if she hurts herself, she is very likely to tell you first, so you can call 911 and let them help her.  But I would really be worried about your baby girl if she's with her.

 x  Keep up the good work of taking care of yourself, and good luck  x

 love  Mousse

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Freedom begins with an act of defiance. Pain is part of life, but suffering is a choice.
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) - National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA)

ForeverDad
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« Reply #5 on: July 04, 2009, 08:04:05 PM »

You indicated that your girlfriend said she was getting therapy?  Do you know that as a fact?  Is it still continuing?  Most importantly, does the therapist know of her threats.  No one, not even a disordered person likes to talk about the bad behaviors.  Yes, often the threats come out to make you feel the pain they feel, but that's not right, not right at all.  That is the wrong way of coping.  Also, the threats could be a way to control and dominate you, to keep you off balance.

Sadly though, as has been noted above, some DV threats are carried out.  Be aware.  Beware.

My now-ex made many threats to kill herself, some to kill me, and more than once to kill our child.  She even beat her belly when she felt she might be pregnant.  Self harming, self sabotaging, yes, for many years I thought it was "just" the rage from past child abuse, but it turned out to be more than that.  So here I am.  Know when she made the last death threat?  The day I called 911.  Yes, she hung up the phone, broke it and repeated it.  After the police left (I now look back and believe our child sobbing and clinging to me saved me from getting arrested) she was still so enraged, in front of our child she said I ought to be guillotined.  But we separated before the week was out and it moved into the courts.

Apparently I should have drawn the line at the first threat and some of the later pain might have been avoided.  Doesn't mean the outcome would have been better, but who knows, maybe...
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chaser

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« Reply #6 on: July 05, 2009, 01:16:21 AM »

She initially brought up a separation to give her time to work on herself without my "negativity" working against her. I initially declined, but then agreed. She then back peddled,  and is currently only somewhat okay with it. I have full custody of our daughter, and she will be with me during the separation.  She is not fully okay with that, but knows that is how will be.
Her DBT therapy has turned out to be DBT "light", six weeks of group therapy (usually only one or two people are there) that teaches how to cope with life. That's it. She is unhappy with that, but our state and county does not have a very good mental health system these day's.
There are no weapons here, excepting kitchen knives. Nobody knows about the threats, I have not even told my own therapist. I'm sure she has not told anyone about it as well. I would like to believe that she would not hurt me, but I also wanted to believe that she was a great mother to her four kids, and that she would not cheat on me... I still love her and want to believe in her, but I think I cannot do that anymore. I do have faith in her, but I do not think she has faith in herself or others.
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Jos
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« Reply #7 on: July 05, 2009, 03:18:21 AM »

My xBPD got this way. When she said she wanted to hurt me, this was a reflection of the level of panic and fear she was feeling, to which she only knew how to respond with rage and abuse. That is the case of Borderline many times-- the rage is a learned behavior, learned very early in development as the only way to have feelings validated or recognized at all.

 Boundaries do work. To set a boundary says to the BPD "there is another way to cope with this pain and panic". They are not incapable of recognizing alternative ways of coping with negative emotion. If they were incapable, DBT nor any other treatment would work at all. The fundamental of dialectics is to reconcile opposites in a persons mind, in order to synthesize a new solution, thereby suggesting a completely new "opposite".

 I suggest that should she become physically violent again, remove yourself from the situation immediately. She may then feel abandoned and come to her senses, which will present a new challenge; however, calming a person defeated is far better in my opinion than trying to get a raging person to calm  down. Good luck.
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #8 on: July 05, 2009, 08:20:19 AM »

Nobody knows about the threats, I have not even told my own therapist.

That is NOT good.  How can either of you be helped if everything isn't being told.  This is not some embarrassing detail of lovemaking we're talking about, this is a threat to kill you, yes, uttered in the heat of her rages, but it was said nonetheless.

I have full custody of our daughter, and she will be with me during the separation.  She is not fully okay with that, but knows that is how will be.

Good.  Don't waver on that.  That is a good boundary to uphold.
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Mousse
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« Reply #9 on: July 05, 2009, 09:14:50 AM »

I agree with ForeverDad, Chaser.  Someone has to know.  If you can't bring yourself to tell family members or friends (or, really - the police), then I hope you can tell your T, if only to talk about the doubts it has created in you. If you can't quite do that yet, then maybe you could call the DV hotline (1-800-799-SAFE (7233)).  While many men feel uncomfortable doing this (and some have not had good experiences), DV counselors are increasingly trained to deal with men who have been abused.  And they can advise you, or at least listen.  Telling someone, even if it was an anonymous voice on the other end of the line, helped me find the courage to start telling other people and to document.

Documenting rage/threat events and keeping the documentation in a safe place is a good idea as well.  It's not too late to start documenting if you haven't already.  Even if you can get it down to a month or month range & year (e.g. "Feb or March '09"), rather than an actual date & time, that's still something, should you need it.

I think it probably happens often that a man is actually killed by an abusive woman, and the assumption (and her claims) are that she was defending herself from HIS abuse.  Please note, I'm not saying that will happen to you.  But it illustrates why it's important that someone knows you were threatened.   And you shouldn't have to shoulder that alone.  We are always here for you, but you need people you can touch and talk to for support as well  x

Echoing ForeverDad again...You are doing a great job with these crucial boundaries. 
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Freedom begins with an act of defiance. Pain is part of life, but suffering is a choice.
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) - National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA)

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