Getting Past the Anger

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Litebulbflare:
I don't know if this will help you, but it does help me. I used to be very angry with my uBPDw over all the behaviors and their cumulative, unending impact. Now I have no anger at all. Frustration or irritation, yes... but contemplate the following:

Sometimes it is revealed that one has been operating within an unperceived system. Unperceived systems cannot be decomposed and delineated. Unperceived systems also cannot be systemically managed...

System recognition "My wife has BPD and my stepdaughter has HPD" enables decomposition "This is called splitting; this is aversion tension; this is object constancy; this is autobiographical scripting" which further enables system delineation "Mutually blurred ego boundaries between UBPDW and UHPDSD creates a binary orbit of mirrored affective lability within the master family dynamic; pertubation of one by input X typically results in affect Y from disorder Z upon person A if B is present subsequent to positive interaction between C and D".

Once system recognition, decomposition and delineation is accomplished efforts at systemic management of that system can be introduced.

Does that make sense?

I'm not going to get angry at my wife and/or her daughter for the incredible bucketloads of stress they cause. That stress I now view as a normal and expected output from a dysregulated system (the family); said dysregulation resulting from disorder of components (wife and her daughter).

I realize it's a bit dry and cold to view it that way. On the other hand, by coldly and clinically assessing the system, and designing, developing and deploying custom management for that system; you remove the angst from the issues and enable you to apply all the soft skills (love, care, tenderness, humor, empathy, validation, etc.) without distraction and in appropriate manners and measures.

That said, living with a BPD is messy and hard and lonely and sometimes I want to race over to the Undecided board and plant a "Moving to Leaving" sign. ;D

diega:
 contemplate the following:

Sometimes it is revealed that one has been operating within an unperceived system. Unperceived systems cannot be decomposed and delineated. Unperceived systems also cannot be systemically managed...

System recognition "My wife has BPD and my stepdaughter has HPD" enables decomposition "This is called splitting; this is aversion tension; this is object constancy; this is autobiographical scripting" which further enables system delineation "Mutually blurred ego boundaries between UBPDW and UHPDSD creates a binary orbit of mirrored affective lability within the master family dynamic; pertubation of one by input X typically results in affect Y from disorder Z upon person A if B is present subsequent to positive interaction between C and D".

Once system recognition, decomposition and delineation is accomplished efforts at systemic management of that system can be introduced.



huh?

diega:
Quote from: Ukeplayer on July 31, 2009, 10:07:09 AM

Friends, Now that I understand BPD and recognize my role in the dysfunctional dance, I find that I have so much anger: at myself, for allowing the outrageous behavior; and at my uBPDw, for being so abusive and unkind.  How do you get past it?  Even though I accept my uBPDw as someone who is emotionally crippled by BPD, I still get so angry thinking about the horrendous experiences I have been through with her.  Ukeplayer


after the first month or two of finding out about BPD and having it sink into my psyche, i was a total wreck. i didnt ;evene think i could go on. really i was in total shock. then i was persistently angry. it was so draining. finally  the intensity of the anger died down and then i had a day or two with not much anger, and then a bit more.
then sometimes it goes back to that rageful, i cant-bear-it - i -dont- know -waht -to- do- with -it anger.
i think its like the stages of grief, its not linear, but eventually the force of it dies down. at least i hope it will.
but if u r still living with your BPD, and if she is still hurting you then, i dont know.
and i gotta say, if you can get out and take some kind of class like ceramics or a physcial type class (at night or weekend or whatver) it really helps..a whole lot.

rickh3255:
Good question, one I've been struggling with for over a year.

Since I'm such a good procrastinator I try to put the anger off until I can really enjoy it .  Today's not a good day, I'd rather go to a ballgame.  How does Friday evening work for you?

The important thing is to set aside some time to retreat to your cave, feel those emotions, get angry, whatever.  The difference is you're in control, you're setting the agenda.

My therapist asked last year how I was dealing with my DBPDw's suicide after a turbulent year of violence and verbal abuse.  I explained that Wednesday's were my "Feel sorry for myself" day because that seemed to work best for me.  She laughed and said she'd never heard that one before.

Not needing so many cave days anymore,
RickH3255

peacebaby:
Just wanted to say, whoah, Lightbulbflare, what an interesting way of looking at it! Totally makes sense, to relate it to other things--I mean, it helps you see why things don't work right when you compare them to other "systems" that don't work right.

I like to think of myself as mostly past the anger, but I do still have it. I think part of what makes me different from a lot of others here is that I was never in Oz, I never lost my clear view of the world and her behavior and my behavior. She never tried to make me feel that everything was my fault, or that I was useless or worthless or bad. So I don't have the anger at us both for creating a situation like that. I saw from the start--Mental Illness in big bright lights, so I never lost sight of that for more than a few minutes at a time.

But even though I didn't have anger for that, I have lots of other anger, plus I came into the relationship an angry person in a variety of ways. Most of my anger towards my SO is about not delivering what she'd promised--a two-income household, a loving, happy sex life on a regular basis, and then for letting things get worse and worse after that. Anger at her for the verbal and physical abuse, for not being the loving, attentive partner I'd expected, and most importantly for making me a tad more messed-up than I was before. And just dealing with the sometimes crazy thinking can make me pissed. But there's also a lot of anger I have at myself that I've taken out on her--it's not her fault I felt like I'd never find love and when I did it was with someone mentally ill. She's the identified Bad Person, and so deserving of all sorts of anger--NOT.

I think radical acceptance and a rock bottom really changed my way of dealing with my anger. Rock bottom was when things got really bad in November and it was time to either leave or put my all into making it better. So putting my all into it meant I needed to not focus on or act on my angry feelings, because that doesn't help the situation or my emotional health. And committing to the relationship on a new level meant looking at the good parts and wanting to keep them as far at the front as possible. Radical acceptance of my woman being mentally ill--it's just what it is, nothing to be angry about.

There are two most important reasons to get past the anger: 1, because being angry makes you unhappy and gives you pain, and 2. because it's impossible for a BPD to get better when someone is angry at them all the time. They already think they're bad, and being told constantly that they messed everything up reinforces that feeling and doesn't give them room to try to feel good and improve their behavior.

So I think that thinking positive thoughts about your life and your partner helps you get past the anger. Remembering that being angry hurts you, makes you feel bad about yourself and your life. Looking at the positive side is the way to happiness, letting go of anger and bad feelings frees you. Remembering that you are not a victim to your partner, this relationship is a choice you continue to make, so celebrating that is the best remedy.

Peacebaby

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