What is empathy?

[fell4it]

Totally...and then she tosses the off the board 

[livingw/ochaos]

I've always understood that empathy normally develops around the age of 4 years old.  A simple test of empathy with children is to show them a board that is white on one side and black on another, and holding it up between the child and someone else.  If the child is seeing the white side, are they able to figure out what color the other person is seeing?  If so, they are demonstrating empathy.

Which means that empathy is about putting yourself in someone else's shoes; being able to see from their prespective.

Sympathy to me, means taking one's own feelings and applying it to another's situation.

For example, if someone miscarriages, another woman who has also miscarriaged in the past, can empathize with the greiving mother.  They understand because they've experienced a similar loss.

But if you haven't experienced this sort of loss before, the best even the most caring person can do is to sympathize with the grieving woman.  They can imagine what it might be like by accessing a somewhat similar sad situation in their own life (ie: the loss of a parent).  They can say, "I can only imagine the pain you must be in and it's breaking my heart".  But they can't say, "I know just how you feel".  And not being able to fully empathize with someone, can leave even caring people to say things that may be hurtful; ie: "The good news is your are healthy and can always try again", etc . . .

I do think that people with PDs are often either too hyped up on their own emotions (the "fight or flight" response) or too disconnected from their own feelings to be be either calm enough or reflective enough to concern themselves with what another person must be feeling.

[innerspirit]

I've always understood that empathy normally develops around the age of 4 years old.  A simple test of empathy with children is to show them a board that is white on one side and black on another, and holding it up between the child and someone else.  If the child is seeing the white side, are they able to figure out what color the other person is seeing?  If so, they are demonstrating empathy...

Fascinating.  In such a case, how can they tell the difference between empathy as an emotion and just logical, deductive reasoning?  (If not X then Y)

Sympathy to me, means taking one's own feelings and applying it to another's situation.

For example, if someone miscarriages, another woman who has also miscarriaged in the past, can empathize with the greiving mother.  They understand because they've experienced a similar loss...

That's my understanding as well -- though I think the terms are often misused or understood as interchangeable.

I do think that people with PDs are often either too hyped up on their own emotions (the "fight or flight" response) or too disconnected from their own feelings to be be either calm enough or reflective enough to concern themselves with what another person must be feeling.

Very good point.  And that makes the intimacy question more understandable.  If someone less close to X were to have some similar issue to mine, he/she would be treated with more kindness, patience, concern.  Case in point -- my car sustained some damage one night and X wouldn't stay on the phone with me to make sure I got safely home.  (Because I was chewing gum when I called him from the road!)  A few nights later, a friend's car broke down and he was out the door Johnny-on-the-spot to help his friend.

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[truefriend]

For example, if someone miscarriages, another woman who has also miscarriaged in the past, can empathize with the greiving mother.  They understand because they've experienced a similar loss.

But if you haven't experienced this sort of loss before, the best even the most caring person can do is to sympathize with the grieving woman.  They can imagine what it might be like by accessing a somewhat similar sad situation in their own life (ie: the loss of a parent).  They can say, "I can only imagine the pain you must be in and it's breaking my heart".  But they can't say, "I know just how you feel".  And not being able to fully empathize with someone, can leave even caring people to say things that may be hurtful; ie: "The good news is your are healthy and can always try again", etc . . .

Oh boy...did I relate to this...I miscarried twins before my two healthy births. I kept getting this...but you are healthy and can always try again...I hated it. Because that didn't mean anything but more hurt, I lost 2 beautiful babies and they meant something, and were totally individual children than my other 2 later. All important and individual in their own right. After that I sure was careful when I was faced with miscarriages or death. It even made me think about what we all say at funerals. "Well they had a good life" Now I just say as little as possible and try to relate to their sorrow.