Let go of the drama and who is right/wrong. Let go of the hurt feelings or the resentment enough to take yourself out of the day to day drama

Step 2 - Take a step backward

Things aren't as they once were. They probably haven't been for a long time. You have tried everything you can to resolve matters. Things got better for a while, but there were problems again. For some things, you have just given up.

It may not be obvious to you,but all of this has damaged you. You are likely now a part of the problem, too. Most likely you have lost your ability to see things clearly. You may have lost your ability to feel things properly. You may be deeply caught up in the drama, too close to everything to actually see.

You need space. Emotional space. Intellectual space.

This may not be easy to do. In the past this may have triggered your partner to be more consuming and needy. Or maybe they pushed you away and became angry or retaliatory. Or maybe you wanted them to notice and they didn't, leaving you feeling hurt.

When our partner suffers from borderline personality disorder, they often like to control our "space". It gives them comfort. Taking away that comfort is often triggering to them. After all, fear of abandonment and rejection sensitivity are classic symptoms of this disorder.

So, this is a bit of a delicate thing. The objective is not to move out and live on a mountain - it is simply to let go of the drama and the battle of who is right/wrong. Let go of the hurt feelings or the resentment just enough to take yourself out of the day to day drama - long enough for you to see things more clearly.

You should do this privately without notifying your partner - just quietly make time. Maybe take more time at the gym, more time in the yard working, maybe extend a business trip by a day or two. Quietly clear enough time/peace so you can re-balance yourself, think more clearly, and be a little more open minded.

For now, accept that things are not what you want them to be, that they may not be fair, and that bad things have happened. Accept that your partner has a complex disorder that is not just going to go away. This is not to say that we should agree with any of this or to say that it is OK. It's just important to surrender a bit here, let go of the drama.

How do you do this? You know your partner better than anyone. You know what it will take. Maybe admit that you are wrong, maybe postpone things, maybe give in to some simple things your partner wants. It's not a lifetime commitment, it's just a way to buy time.

Self care is important here - see your dentist, exercise, get enough sleep, eat well. This will all help to clear your mind.

They may feel they "won". You may feel they "won". Just take comfort in knowing that the wise general knows about sacrificing a battle to win the overall war. For now, we're probably not sure exactly what war this is and this is one of the reasons why you need this healthy space.