If your partner is suffering from BPD or BPD traits, they are living in an emotional world that is very foreign to most of us and they are suffering with very deep wounds.

Step 4 - Embrace the realities of BPD



The order of Step 4 and Step 3 can be interchanged or pursued concurrently. We all process these things differently.

Step 4 is about understanding the basics of this mental illness, Borderline Personality Disorder.

For a long time we've been living with this sense of uneasiness and uncertainty, never knowing when a good day or moment would go suddenly and horribly wrong. That feeling of dread was a constant part of our life, and yet the blame for the problems were always cast onto us.

Is our partner evil? Does our partner have bad character? Is our partner a sadist? Are they insane?

Actually, if your partner is suffering from BPD or BPD traits, they are living in an emotional world that is very foreign to most of us and they are suffering with very deep wounds. Much of what they do can be understood by learning more about the illness. Sometimes they misperceive or misunderstand a situation which causes them intense emotional pain. Some of their coping is so dysfunctional that it is simply harmful to them. Sometimes they are so uncomfortable with themselves they take it out on others to relieve their own pain or make themselves feel valued.

This is a complex disorder. There are many manifestations of it. There are many degrees of illness.

The goal for us is to gain enough knowledge to understand the chaos we've been living with and what is likely going on. All of this is important in understanding what our reality is. It's likely different than we perceive it. We commonly have many misconceptions. For example, it is often thought that there are two people inside our partner and the goal is to eliminate the bad one. Another common misconception is that all BPD is terminal and untreatable. Yet another common misconception is that they don't get treatment because they don't care enough to get better.

In many of the cases in this community, we are not dealing with full blown BPD, but rather a person with subclinical or not as severe traits. Some of the things you have read about BPD may not fully apply to your partner. There are many different presentations of the disorder and different levels of severity.

If we are making life changing decisions we need to have a realistic, practical understanding of what we are dealing with. You can learn much about BPD at BPDFamily and from the books and articles recommended on this site.