BPDFamily Choosing a Path - Take inventory [Step 5]

Step 5 - Take inventory

Hopefully now, we have a clear head and good working knowledge, and we can start to break it all down.

Making a decision to stay or leave a relationship with a person suspected of suffering from BPD or with BPD traits is a often a difficult decision. If it wasn't, we wouldn't be "undecided."

Very often we are undecided because of conflicting priorities. We can become trapped in our own inability to make the tradeoff, make the "sacrifice", and get behind it.

Often we have conflicting emotions, conflicting priorities, or fear. These can interfer with decision making. Many of us suffer from depression and a classic symptom of depression is difficulty in making decisions.

Many of us hope, that with time, we will have more information to make the decision.

Many of us hope, that with time, our partner will solve this for us.

The truth is most likely they won't. If your partner is suffering from BPD or with BPD traits, it is you that must become the emotional leader and the caretaker - not them.

Hopefully at this point, the importance of Steps 1-4 are clear and if you need to backtrack, you will.

Step 5 is not about predicting the future as much as it is about understanding what is important to us, what we can realistically do, what changes we need to make to get there, and what the process will be like if we stay or if we leave.

This is a time to discuss with others the pros and cons of staying and leaving. This is very hard to do - it takes a lot of self honesty - are you up to it?

It is also a time to look at the impact of making a wrong decision. For example, it might be more prudent to work on the issues than to go for a divorce first and risk leaving a child behind with a BPD mother - besides, it would be terrible to break up a family that might be saved with a healthier approach to the problems.

Alternately, it might make more sense to cut your losses if you are young and single with no kids and have not been in the relationship very long.

It's a complex decision - one size does not fit all.

STAYING: If you plan to stay and work it out - or you can't leave the relationship for a time - it's vitally important to embrace the role of emotional leader, learn what an emotional leader does, master the tools for it, and get behind them in good days and bad. Staying in the relationship and having it continually break you down (by either fighting or being defeated) is not a wise choice.

It's also important to recognize that a decision to stay is not irreversible. Often it is a learning process to see if you can rise to be the emotional leader - and if you do - will your relationship partner rise to follow. Here it's very important to know if we are making progress or hopelessly mired. In a process like this, with setbacks to be expected, this takes a keen eye, and typically a qualified third party to help.

LEAVING: If we feel there is no hope, the real question is how do we get out with the least amount of damage to ourselves, our children, and our partner.

If you are married, one of the biggest questions is how to avoid sending the divorce into "high conflict". You may not have a choice, but at the same time, many high conflict divorces can be avoided. You need a very specialized lawyer for this.

If you want to know more about the divorce process and how a difficult divorce progresses, visit our "Family law, divorce, and custody" board. If you want to know what it is like to become a supporting partner, visit our "Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner" board. If you want to know how your child may be affected by a BPD parent and may ultimately view your role as a parent (this can be sobering), visit our "Coping With Parents, Relatives, or Inlaws with BPD" board. If you want to know about custody, visit our "Building a New Life". Spend some time on these boards and ask questions.

You are not alone with your struggles. Many others have gone through this, some staying, others leaving. Their stories and sharing are here to support you in your journey.