BOARD: Learning from the Wounds

Examine and embrace what has been of value in this experience. It may be the foundation of a more fulfilling future.

PROCESSING [Stage 3]: In the third stage of detachment, you begin to become aware of what has been useful in the journey you've just taken, in the task or relationship or life stage you're working with, regardless of how it all turned out.

The mother who came back after her son's birthday and thought, "At least I saw him," was experiencing one version of that recognition. Many of us reach the third stage of detachment when we realize that we have actually gained something, even if it's just a lesson in what not to do.

A young scientist spent two years on a career-defining study and was nearing a breakthrough when he picked up a journal one day and found that someone else had gotten there before him. He was devastated and lost his enthusiasm for his work. "My mind kept coming up with hopeless thoughts," he told me. "I'd find myself thinking, 'You're just unlucky; the gods of science won't ever let you succeed.' I didn't even want to go to the lab."

He learned to move through his hopelessness using a combination of tactics: mindfulness ("It's just a thought"), talking back to it ("Things will get better!"), and prayer. He explained that he knew he'd begun to detach (the word he used, actually, was heal) when he realized how much he'd learned from the research he'd done, and how it would come in handy later.

What you learn in this journey about relationships, people, communications and most importantly yourself (e.g., strengths to build upon, weakness to resolve) can shape positive change for the rest of your life.