BPDFamily.com

I haven't posted on here in a while.  My relationship recently went south again with my dBPDgf.  I have had so many recycles with her.  And I finally believe I have reached the stopping point.  I have read that on here a lot, that we are the only ones who know when it's finally time to stop.  Our relationship had gotten worse over the last few months.  It was the usual stuff.  I never got anything right while she demanded more and more.  She constantly started fights over nothing.  I would catch myself trying to explain or defend myself more.  That's when I would just walk out of the room until her mood shifted.  It was a fun way to live.  I kept telling myself that I loved her.  I think I did this so that I would stay and take the emotional abuse.  I just knew that one day she would love me the way she did before.  And she kept making promises that she would change and that she was trying to change.  She had started going to therapy.  And it seemed like it was working in the beginning and then she would get real nasty at times with me. 

I finally reached the end of my rope.  It wasn't a big thing.  She even said that it wasn't a big fight.    I was just tired of not being heard.  She would ask a question and I would give her the truth and then she would say it wasn't(you know the circles).  We had a trip planned and I told her that I wasn't going.  I told her that I couldn't do this anymore and I tried to be as compassionate as I could.  I cancelled the trip.  I just couldn't do it anymore.  Today, I feel sad.  I know that it will never get better than this.  I am not living in denial anymore or do I keep the dream alive through magical thinking.  I have gone no contact again or at least attempting it.  She keeps coming up with numbers. 

I think cancelling this trip was probably the hardest thing I have done.  It reminded me about cancelling our wedding because of her cheating.  I should have walked away then but I didn't know how to.  And 5 years later I am strong enough to walk away.  I know it's over and there is nothing else I can do to make it work.  I have a mixture of feelings today.  Relief, sadness, anger.  I know these are normal feelings. 

Phew!... .that made for some heavy reading.

Probably because I can personally identify so much of your post.

When he said me the last hurtful statement I felt inside me like a ... .you know. A black hole. I watched myself in the mirror and I knew that, at a certain point, I must start loving the face I see there too.

I am sad like ... .you cannot imagine. I love him and miss him. But I could not stay anymore.

It was too much.

A big hug your way