BPDFamily.com

After waiting for the "kids to be old enough", I ended a 30 year marriage to my BPD ex-wife. I knew if I ended sooner she would do everything to destroy my relationship with them. However, I didn't think she could do it when they were smart mature adults in their early twenties... .but she did. She doesn't work and lives for revenge... .in fact she always had a saying "if you do something wrong to me you"... .well I'll leave the rest up to your imagination. She has been so successful  that they will not even respond to a call, text or anything... .Totally shutdown which even extends to their grandparents. I am devastated and my current therapist who knew her said to me, you may need to prepare if they never come back due to the lifetime of brainwashing and control she has over them. I am really hurting and need options of possibly ways to break the control she has over them so they can think objectively.

PayingThePrice

  Welcome to the family.

Not a parent myself so I can only sympathize with your plight.  But I am curious, how long has it been since the breakup?  And was the change of heart in the children sudden?  I can't imagine that 20+ years of father bonding could be erased by manipulations so quickly.  What happened?

3 years since breakup. First child changed after first year, the second after the second year. Ex pulled them into divorce and put them in the middle at every opportunity. Used them to to emotional blackmail me of their love to give her more money. She was beyond a hover mom and controlled ever minute of their lives. She has them believing they owe her everything and me nothing. I was a very involved dad and did everything for the kids.

This sounds like a very uncomfortable situation for you.

Character assassination is always unpleasant. Flying monkeys, lieutenants and enablers will join the ranks and buy into the most ridiculous statements made by her and it would be natural to feel hurt, mocked and discarded whilst someone is pouring a great deal of energy into destroying your reputation.

This may sound cold and uncaring but people who buy into, and promote, this kind of school playground drama ... aren't worth your time. You know who you are, what your values are and the lengths you have gone to to make things manageable. People who behave this way don't matter because people who matter don't behave this way.

Personally, in respect to your children, I would remain your same historical self. Extend to them your availability and that you'll always be there for them ... whatever the circumstances, whatever the time. I wouldn't waste my time trying to justify or defend myself against untruthful allegations. Your children, in time, will work all of this out for themselves and they will gravitate towards you if you don't contribute to the fuss and none-sense. Remain the balanced, unwavering and solid foundation, both for yourself and, for them.

Best wishes.