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I am feeling worried about myself today.  I'm afraid to talk to anyone face to face about this.

My pwBPD is an ex - I've written about him here before - we've known each other for 30 yrs.  He is single; I've been happily married for almost 10 yrs. 

In the past yr. the pwBPD and myself have gotten close again.  He lives too far away for me to see him, but we email and talk on the phone.  I've been feeling so good about how things are going between us.  I've told him how his BPD affects me and have set and maintained boundaries.  He's been very accepting of this - seemed almost relieved, in fact.  He's had some good insights into his illness recently and I've praised him for this.   We're getting on well.

Well, today he told me he's been talking a lot to another old female friend and that these talks are meaning a lot to him.  He didn't specify whether he's attracted to this woman or not.  I find myself feeling jealous and anxious!  Mostly anxious.  I have a fluttery feeling in my stomach.

This is COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE.  I'm not even attracted to my ex.  We got together a few months ago for a meal and I felt nothing, zilch.  I love my husband.  He, my husband, isn't too well at the moment and I am feeling worried about him and a little, shall we say, physically lonely.  I don't know if this is making me more tense and needy than usual.  I know I have codependent tendencies, but thought I had them well under control.  Why am I feeling this way?  I'm not even sure what I'm anxious about!  What's wrong with me?

You opened a "door", and you have to ask yourself three things.  Why are you talking to an old "flame" (whether they are BPD or not)when you are married?  What would your husband think about this?  What is your exBPD providing for you that your husband currently is not?

My husband knows all about it!  My relationship with my ex was over a long time ago; we're friends.  Up until today I didn't think there was anything to worry about... .

This might be something you wish to think about. I'm with Maroon on this one. Talking to an ex in any circumstance is always asking for trouble.

You need to ask yourself why you never cut it off.  There is a reason you are feeling jealous there is another person in exBPD's life... .  I'm not judging, but you need to be honest with yourself.  Vows of marriage (I know there will be people here who will debate this and that's fine) says "forsaking ALL others".  There is a reason for that.  Most affairs get started this way.  The one your husband knows about is even more scary because you have "permission" to keep it.  I think if you search yourself hard enough, you will find what your exBPD is providing that your husband isn't.  I think I know, but you have to figure it out for yourself.

I want to first address what I put in bold here. I'll be really direct. These are your feelings. Feelings are not rational, sensible, inappropriate, or appropriate. They are what they are.

Beating yourself up because your feelings are 'inappropriate' will only make it harder for you to cope with them well.

NOTE: Your ACTIONS can be inappropriate. You clearly state that your actions don't go there. For example, talking about these feelings with your husband might cause problems.

OK... .back to your feelings :)

I've got a guess as to what those feelings might be telling you, knowing a little about pwBPD from my time here... .

A pwBPD can very readily jump to a new infatuation with somebody else, and drop old relationships like they never existed. Especially if he did this to you before, you probably have reason to be afraid of something like this.

In addition, you have become (emotionally) intimate with him recently. That is hard for a pwBPD to cope with well, and they often react by running away.

So this new, good close friendship you have with him probably feels at risk.

But once again... .they are YOUR feelings. Spend some time with them, if you can, and try to figure out what they are telling you and what (if anything) you want to do in response to them.

I will echo Grey Kitty's comments.  You are feeling something for a reason.  Try not to invalidate your own feelings :)  My personal opinion is that even in the most healthy and committed relationships, people still develop outside attractions, jealousies, and fantasies.  I don't think it is biologically reasonable to expect that to stop the moment we say "I do", and when it does happen does not mean something is wrong with us or with our marriage.  It only means we need to spend extra time examining ourselves and our feelings, and making appropriate decisions regarding our relationships with others.

I'm also going to echo the others' comments.  It's probably a good time to examine whether having a friendship with a former intimate partner is appropriate for YOU - even if your husband it okay with it.   In these types of situations I ask myself if I would be okay if my partner had the same kind of relationship.  If I wouldn't be okay, then I think it's up to me to set an appropriate boundary. 

Hi - posting a follow-up in case it's a help to anyone else and also to thank everyone who responded - you really helped. 

I'm feeling calmer and, while I'm not sure ultimately what I'll do, I know better what the issues are and I've taken a step back to think about them.

When I read Grey Kitty's response, I started to cry.  I recognized what he was saying right away.  My ex wBPD HAS done this before, ended times of our emotional intimacy by becoming fascinated with a new person and forgetting about me.  Only when he did it before, I was about 22 and in love with him and had no idea about BPD.  So, it hurt.  The remembered hurt is still there.  The panic and stomach ache were to tell me that I'm in a bad situation, leaving too much of my emotional well being in the hands of a man with a mental illness who is not getting help and has hurt me before.  I don't mean that to sound unkind, he's not a bad man, but it's just a dangerous position to be in.  So I need to think about whether a change in attitude on my part is going to be enough; or whether I just need to walk away.

At least, I need to stop babying my ex so much.  When we first got back in touch it was a healing thing for me, as we talked over our shared past and both got to apologize for things we'd done and to understand all that happened. But for the past few months it has been all about his BPD, everything is organized around making him feel okay.  Very one-sided.

The sex thing was a red herring - my ex has even had a lover since we started talking again.  He talked about her to me and it didn't bother me at all!  We're just not into each other that way.  But of course with exes you always have to ask the question... .another way its complicated.  I have some thinking to do.

Thanks again.

  Yes, indeed, your feelings were telling you something important.

Since the last time he dropped emotional intimacy with you for a new infatuation, you've grown, and your life situation and needs have changed. Now you get to make decisions for today--How much you need to protect yourself from this, and what else you want from him in your life.

It is a pretty powerful place to be in.