BPDFamily.com

My husband was recently diagnosed with BPD, though it’s something that I could have identified years ago had I known what to look for.

90% of the time, we have a great time together. But I’m not sure I can handle the other 10% indefinitely. When he gets in a mood, he fixates on political figures who he hates, saying things like “Everything would be so much better if ___ were dead.” It scares me how much he thinks about violence during these episodes. (I said NO when he started asking to buy a gun last year, but he did attend a gun safety training class).

I’m also really struggling with the exaggeration and criticism. I sometimes struggle with my own temper, but there have been many times when I am not angry, but he says things like “this is why I’m afraid to tell you things, because I knew you would fly off the handle”. When I point out that I am not angry, he just says something like “you just can’t hear the tone of your own voice.” I’m beginning to think I’m crazy.

When he is in a mood, he tells me regularly that he is afraid of me. I have told him many times that putting it that way makes me feel like I’m a raging monster, and I don’t think I am behaving that way. He’s afraid of me leaving him over this behavior, but is making me responsible for this fear. When I do get angry because he is treating me this way, he says things like “see, this is why I am afraid of you, because you’re not able to control your emotions.” I regularly point out that this is pretty sexist double standard, but that usually makes the problem worse.

We moved to a new city a year ago and have been pretty isolated from other people ever since (thanks COVID), and I am beginning to doubt myself and lose sight of what is normal and healthy in a relationship. How do you deal with this constant questioning of your personality and your motives? I think self-evaluation is healthy overall, but I’m beginning to think I’m really an ineffective raging asshole based on how he responds to my behavior.

By the way, I should also note that he is aware of his BPD, taking medication, and attending DBT a therapy group. He is trying to get help, but it seems like no amount of help is making these episodes less destructive. In my darker moments, I definitely wonder whether he is expecting the therapy and medication to be magical cures that will fix the issue without a lot of work on his end. Maybe I’m just being judgemental?

*welcome*

I'm so glad you found us.  Sorting through a new BPD diagnosis is a  a tough and confusing thing to do.

I want to assure you that you have found a group of people that "get it"...we can walk through this with you!

  What it takes! (https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship)

Can you share your first reaction to this article?

Best,

FF

Be aware that projection is a component of BPD behaviors.

Also, it’s incredibly challenging to be in a marriage with a partner who has BPD. Forgive yourself for getting frustrated and irritable; it happens to everyone.

And you’re probably correct that he is expecting therapy and medication to “fix him” without having to commit to doing the hard work on his part. That’s just BPD thinking.  :(

Your summary of your own experience sounds very similar to my own except that my husband isn’t admitting, and perhaps not aware that he has BPD.