BPDFamily.com

My daughter with BPD (sorry, new here and don't know the abbreviations) has called me so many foul names, accused me of so many foul things, and done so many foul things to me that I find myself fighting to escape from her reality.  Am I really? Did I really? and do I deserve everything bad thing she does to me as she obviously thinks I do.  I feel stuck, I know it's not true but if she so violently insists on how bad I am, surely it must be true?  Sounds crazy.  Who am I?

i dont think that anyone deserves bad things said or done to them.

what is she saying about you? whats going on when this happens, what leads up to it?

Hi jmi303,

*welcome*

I’d like to join once removed and welcome you to the family. I can relate to feeling like you’re going crazy because you start to doubt yourself. I found like when the script on a situation was changing so many times that I can’t recall at all what it was about. It feels like I have gaps in my memory during the time period that I was with my exuBPDw.

It helps to read about why your D acts the way that she does so that you can seperate yourself from her actions.

How old is your D? Is she diagnosed with BPD?

Hi:
This name calling, belittling, humiliating, etc. are so common with our uBPds, that we start to wonder whether what they say about us is all true afterall! Also if you are brought up like me and adored your parents for all that they have done for you within their limited resources, our uBPDs’ behavior baffles us. Initially, I could not tolerate it and therefore we had huge arguments culminating in self harm(banging/beating self, crying, screaming and shouting). Very recently I am slowly learning to stay calm and validate where applicable, set some boundaries (still have a long way to go), and learn to walk away from escalating situations so as to bring down the temperature. It’s somewhat working although my uBPDd is extremely angry with us for planning to visit my BIL who is not doing well (initially it was her idea and so we planned to leave at the end of this month which I cancelled yesterday because of the racket she created), and does not want to talk to us, grabs some food outside on her way home from work and told me she doesn’t want anything from me! I am not sure if she even read my message to say I cancelled the tickets. She doesn’t want us to talk or say even a word, so we are keeping mum just to avoid a fight.
What I am trying to say is, how unpredictable our uBPDd behavior can be, at any given moment, regardless of how they behaved earlier which leaves us completely confused! The only suggestion I can give is, try and validate as much as possible to show you are listening and acknowledge only what is right, and set boundaries consistently.
Good luck with your uBPDd!

Hi and thank you for your responses.

Mutt, my BPDd is 33 years old and was diagnosed about a year ago, at the instigation of her ex-partner who was worried about their two year old child.  I had read about BPD before this though and long suspected that this was her problem.

Once removed, the last text message I got from her addressed me as "a f***ing evil little troll", this because I had discovered she had been systematically stealing from me for a year and a half.  She attends meetings of Al-Anon claiming to anyone who will listen to her that she was raised by a "steaming alcoholic" which I'm not, though I don't say I haven't self-medicated with wine when life became intolerable.

We had not been speaking for two months before this when she called me a "c***t" and a "vile person" in front of the 16 people I had cooked Christmas dinner for (her included).  Ostensibly, she flew off the handle when I objected (calmly, Manifest32f, like you I do not fight or become angry any more) when she started criticising me and trying to humiliate me but I realise she was trying to pick a fight with me because her dishonesty was about to be discovered, and I had to be cast over to the bad side so she could deal with me.  Before this we had been jogging, meditating and doing yoga together and I had  been establishing a relationship with my new grandson.

I lost my mother when I was 10 years old and adored my father, so, no I cannot understand how I can be treated with the loathing and contempt that has been our relationship, except when I'm helping her in some way.  We had a long period of peace after I gave her the deposit on a flat.

were there ever good times when she was younger? when did the tension really come to a head?

One Removed, I have recently gained some perspective on our relationship, due I think to my meditation practice.  I have slowly accepted that we will never have the kind of relationship I thought that we would.  We were very close when she was younger but I feel as though she woke up around the aged of 15 or 16 and decided that she hated me

thats heartbreaking to read. obviously there is a lot of bitterness, and blame.

what happened regarding the stealing? what sorts of things was she stealing, and how did you go about catching her? does she deny it?

The theft is complicated and very sensitive.   She has been embezzling money from my company through a benefit scam. She was receiving a service through my company which is eligible for support, which she was supposed to pay to my company.  When she told me she could claim this benefit, nearly two years ago, I told her that she would have to give it to my company if she did.  She said, purely out of spite that she would then not claim it.  We had a huge falling out for which I later apologised.  Unknown to me she had claimed the benefit and kept it.  The provider of the benefit wrote to my company asking for proof that she had received this service.  This is when I discovered her deception.  She could get into enormous trouble for doing this so I have had to cover up for her, giving evidence that our company did receive the money.  She blew up when I told her she had to stop claiming the money. She feels no remorse or guilt, just anger that I'm not going to allow her to continue keeping money to which she is not entitled. 

She fully believes that whatever is mine is hers.  She has stolen from me in the past by stealing my credit/debit cards.  She went travelling some years ago and pretended she had lost her debit card so I was sending her money all over the world through Western Union which she contrived never to repay

Once Removed: despite what you read here, I absolutely adore my daughter and enjoy her company enormously when she's not acting out.  But, as my partner points out, I turn a blind a eye to the fact that much of the time I'm walking on eggshells, waiting for her to hear the wrong comment or catch the wrong look.

I also thought the stealing from me was over, but I know she will do it whenever she can. 

Manifest32f: how old is your pwBPD?

Ok. Well that was helpful. Thanks

has there been any communication between you and your daughter since her cursing text?

Hi Jmi303,

Lack of boundaries and blaming/lack of responsibility are huge BPD traits.  My DD17 has very few boundaries with people in the family.  She takes our belongings all the time, despite frequent requests/demands that she stops doing this.  She has no empathy, so she really doesn't care how her behaviors impact others.  She is 100% focused on herself and her own needs.  She been like this since birth and I believe her brain just doesn't work correctly.  Those who study sociopathy report that these people don't feel or experience empathy the way most people do.  It's like color blindness.  They just can't. 

So, it's been helpful to me, although a very long journey, to come to a place of acceptance about the reality of who my daughter is as a human.  I'm making progress with this.  It takes time and thought and journaling and coming back to this forum to learn, vent, share, and heal.  There is a grieving process in letting go of who I'd like my daughter to be and trying to accept who she is, especially since she is not a particularly nice person. 

In the meantime, I think and reflect a lot on what I need to have peace and serenity in my life.  I've set some boundaries with my daughter, none of which she likes, but all of which are important for my mental health and happiness.  I hope you can do the same.  You deserve to be happy and self-confident and that might mean interacting with your DD in very small, limited, controlled doses (that's my trick).

Hugs

Thank you Mirsa.  I'm struggling enormously with the notion of blame and that it's something I did to make her the way she is,
which makes it so difficult to "leave her to it"

Hi JM


Me too!

My son is 28 dx at 24. Since my change in approach we have what is a healthier relationship. We are happier, despite the problems.

The guilt is a biggy. Also, for me, my innate need to fix everybody’s problems. I just wanted him to be something that he couldn’t be.

Every time I gave my son money I was hindering his development. He had no financial management skills, no job. I could always find an excuse for my “over giving”.

I had to change my approach. I gave him free bed and board so he wasn’t homeless.  I stopped giving him money. He learnt how to solve his own problems. His confidence in his own abilities grew.

They have to learn how to stand in their own two feet. They learn by “doing” and making mistakes. What they need from us is to FEEL understood and loved. What we need is better interaction skills, limits and boundaries, and to know where responsibilities lie. I am responsible for myself and how I feel. If there’s a problem I ask myself, is this mine? No? Then I place it gently in his lap.

Welcome

LP

Hi JMI,

Do you have any other children?  I have a younger daughter, who is a delight.  She doesn't blame others like her BPD sister does, and that, among many other differences, helps me to understand that it is not "my fault" that the BPD child is how she is.  I'm convinced it is genetic, as a 'tough personality' runs in the family.  Something in her brain just doesn't work right.  Sadly, my ex-husband is also quite ready to blame others for problems, so there is a little bit of negative modeling.  I don't think he is even aware of how much he does this. 

Have you ever heard of the speaker and author, Brene Brown?  She defines blame as the "discharging of pain and discomfort."  and that is all it is.  A strategy for someone to try to move away from their own pain.  Has nothing to do with you.   

When I am tied up mentally by something like this, I try to create a mantra to counter-balance it, such as "I am whole and complete just as I am."  or "I take care of me and allow other adults to care for themselves."   Hope you can find something like that to work for you.

Mirsa