BPDFamily.com

It's a bit like a saying that goes around;

'When everyone around you is a d*ckhead. Isn't it time to consider who the d*ckhead rerally is?'

The development of BPD often is in response to environmental factors from the family dynamic. Nemo, it sounds like you are having an experience with a Borderline Queen. Sometimes Borderlines boss around others when they feel vulnerable. Family systems may not consider the behavior abnormal. What is important is your response to the behavior and how you define normal.

BPD evolution: Authors: Young, Klosko and Weishaar

1)   The family environment was/is unsafe and unstable.

The lack of safety almost always arises from abandonment or verbal abuse (or observing another family member being abused.) There was usually the threat of explosive anger between periods of being left entirely alone, making the attachment unreliable or inconsistent. Instead of feeling secure, the attachment is unstable or terrifying.

2)   The family environment was/is depriving.

Early object relations are impoverished. Parental nurturing-physical warmth, empathy, emotional closeness and support, guidance, protection-is typically absent or deficient. One or both parents may be emotionally unavailable and provide minimal empathy. Emotionally the child feels alone.

3)   The family environment is harshly punitive and rejecting.

The family is critical, unaccepting, unforgiving, unloving, and harshly punitive when the child makes mistakes. The child is made to feel worthless, evil, bad, or dirty rather than a normal child misbehaving.

4)   The family environment is subjugating.

The family environment suppresses the needs and feelings of the child. Usually there are implicit rules about what the child can and cannot say and feel. _

On the flip side of this unstable environment, there are also parents that love too much- that cling, that don't allow separation or individuation of the child. Some cultures even have this as a positive group identity. The offset of this is that the child clings to and then subsequently hates the person they cling to while resisting their own independence for fear of annihilation.  The fear of annihilation and the fear of abandonment are consistent themes that create a need to control others (manipulate actions) and force conflict. There is very little free will to separate and detach from others in Borderline Personality disorder, so there is allot of anxiety about attachments.

In order to deal with the intense emotions of annihilation fears, Borderlines often act out in defiance while secretly fearing the abandonment of those they defy. A detached protector personality takes form to prevent and block out the emotions that can be visibly seen by others. The mute, zombie-like detached protector "protects" the two child states of anger and abandonment- but cannot prevent the internal voice of the "punitive parent" from lecturing overhead.  BPD is a disorder that is known as partial insanity, similar to hearing voices while appearing completely normal. It is not consistent like Schizophrenia, so there are moments of complete normality- until something triggers their two fears-abandonment and annihilation. The resultant child states are abandonment and anger.

When either fear occurs, the "punitive parent" holds kangaroo court internally to cajole and criticize the two child states (that swing back and forth on a pendulum) for their failures to separate and individuate apart from parasitically attaching themselves to others. (To become wholly alone -they would need to go through an abandonment depression.) Much of what you see in Borderline acting out is the result of secret internal dialogue of criticism from the "punitive parent" that chastises the adult for not going through abandonment depression.

The resultant feelings of failure create a response (acting out) that is reactive. Most of the time the results are not productive enough to solve the problem. Instead, the impulsive behavior often ATTRACTS others to their rescue- that's when shame and blame are conveniently cast off and projected upon those that try to help.  Borderlines have a very deficient, fragile ego and often attract vulnerable narcissists who cannot catch a break with their *altruism. (Victims need rescuers and *rescuers need victims.) This is the clarion call of the Borderline.

Because Borderlines are part time people- they *need* others to be whole. Borderlines hate to be needy. When they find and mirror the good in others, they feel good. When they are being triggered because of the failure to be whole, they feel bad. They resort to a split-off of the bad parts by projecting it onto the former attachment whom they feel is now the living embodiment of the persecutorial punitive parent.

By making the part time object bad, they avoid feeling bad. The detached protector then comes in and takes the responsibility of the two children- and the former partner (attachment) is now considered a deeply dark presence. Paranoia and schizoid behavior may occur. A new attachment is sought out to refresh the "good" part time self. Most of the time this is done through triangulation (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0), with a rescuer coming in to replace a former rescuer who is now a stand-in for the internal "punitive parent."  Altogether devastating for the vulnerable narcissist personality who sees himself/herself as deeply giving and good.

It is at this point that a person with BPD will show avoidant attachment while the former partner shows ambivalent attachment. People with ambivalent attachment suffer greatly at the end of interpersonal relationships (especially when they are shamed) while people with avoidant attachment quickly move on to a new partner, sometimes within days or even overlapping relationships.  :light: